Page 271 of 886 FirstFirst ... 171221261269270271272273281321371771 ... LastLast
Results 2,701 to 2,710 of 8859

Thread: Jokes

  1. #2701
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Adelaide Hills
    Posts
    13,298
    Total Downloaded
    0
    the inventor of predictive text died on the weekend
    his funfair will be hello on sundial



    Ten years in pursuit and the Rosetta probe lands safely on a speeding comet.
    Meanwhile, Malaysian airways are still struggling to land safely on Earth

    i think my ex was piloting the rosetta probe
    she has the ability to find nothing and stay on it for month

  2. #2702
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Godwin Beach 4511
    Posts
    20,454
    Total Downloaded
    0
    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"


    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............




    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    1998 Discovery 300TDi Manual SE7
    1996 Discovery 300TDi Auto
    2012 SZ Territory TX 2.7TDCi

    "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it." -- a warning from Adolf Hitler
    "If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all!" -- a wise observation by someone else
    'If everyone colludes in believing that war is the norm, nobody will recognize the imperative of peace." -- Anne Deveson
    “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” - Pericles
    "The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts." Marcus Aurelius

  3. #2703
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Nr Freo
    Posts
    51
    Total Downloaded
    0

    Ha could not resist it

    A chap rings the ambulance from his golf clubs 5th hole, explains he has hit his wife in the head with a golf ball , and she is not doing too well, very quickly they arrive and cart everyone off to the hospital.......while in the hospital the police arrive, get the details from the doctors that his wife has passed on...
    so Mr Smith they ask......this Titleist 2 was the ball that hit her in the back of the head ...correct he says. but the doctor has found a Srixon 4 200mm inside her rectum....Oh Oh that ball was my provisional was his answer .
    2013 D4 .Llamms. Traxide. ARB C/C Bullbar.Outback Acc RWC & Longrange tank.

  4. #2704
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Montrose, Vic.
    Posts
    5,418
    Total Downloaded
    0
    This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. "What on earth are you?" asks the host.

    "I'm a snail," says the guy.

    "But...you have a girl on your back," replies the host.








    "Yeah, he says.... "That’s Michelle!"
    Mark

    Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

    2015 TDV6 D4.... the latest project... Llams, Traxide, Icom 455, Tuffant Kimberleys and Mofos.... so far.
    2012 SDV6 SE D4 with some stuff... gone...
    2003 D2a TD5...gone...
    2000 D2 V8...gone...
    https://bymark.photography


  5. #2705
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    mandurah
    Posts
    1,477
    Total Downloaded
    0

    Holy water vs turpentine

    A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
    He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
    A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
    The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;
    it's called Turpentine.'
    The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world
    is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly,
    she'll pass a healthy baby.'
    The little boy replied,
    'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a
    Harley Davidson !'
    D4 2.7litre

  6. #2706
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    PRIMBEE, Wollongong NSW
    Posts
    336
    Total Downloaded
    0

    The Marital Alphabet

    After being married for 49 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

    He said,” Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

    She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely - but what about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" . . . . .
    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

  7. #2707
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Gosnells
    Posts
    6,056
    Total Downloaded
    0

    Insurance with a difference

    Irish Fire Insurance

    A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

    When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see

    how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '¤39.00..'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland

    to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

    The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:

    *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is ¤39.00.*'


    I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

  8. #2708
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    antipodean
    Posts
    4,915
    Total Downloaded
    0
    Just spent the last 30 mins removing all the German names from my mobile phone, its now Hans free.

  9. #2709
    kenleyfred Guest
    Not a joke but a T-shirt I saw yesterday and thought funny.

    Had the Red Bull logo with two bulls upside down, legs up,
    with the slogan "Dead Bulls give you mince."

    Kenley

  10. #2710
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Оде́са
    Posts
    2,818
    Total Downloaded
    0
    A man walks into a zoo and finds that it only has one animal, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

Page 271 of 886 FirstFirst ... 171221261269270271272273281321371771 ... LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Search AULRO.com ONLY!
Search All the Web!