Serious help needed

[drivesafe]

This may or may not be an appropriate subject for this forum but I am raising here because of the open minded and honest help that has been repeatedly demonstrate on this forum over the years.

I am seeking for any advice that may help myself and a number of my friends to help a very good friend of ours.

Some background first.

This friend is a 35 year old divorcee with a 10 years old son.

She has been in and out of hospitals for years with mental problems and our fear is that she is being deliberately driven to suicide.

Her problems started when she was 11 years old and her father took to having sex with when ever he felt like it and with the knowledge of her mother.

While this was bad enough, her mother now takes to verbally abusing her when ever they are in public.

For example, just yesterday our friend was at a shopping centre when she came across her parents.

After a few minutes of civil conversation, her mother started yelling abuse at her and and as our friend walked away, her mother continued screaming abusive remarks at the top of her voice.

I was not there and in one way, while I wish I had have been, had I have been, I would most likely be behind bars this morning.

Her ex is not a bad sort of block but was totally frustrated with the whole situation because our friend still loves her parents and won’t take legal action against them.

Anybody else been in this situation and any suggestions would be VERY welcome.

[CraigE]

Its a really hard situation and we are seeing similar with family atm.
The only answer is she has to get to a point where she can make a break. First step is an AVO and then consider moving out of the area away from the influence. The problem with this is the victim is the one who has to move and that is not fair, but often the only answer. If they move they often wont have a support network of friends.
Personally I would put the fear of god up them making it quite clear that if they came near or even spoke to her again it would be the last time, of course this would have to be done with no witnesses.
There is one ultimate answer but that may get you 10-20. Look there is a circumstance that we recently found out happened 25 years ago. If I had known what occurred back then there would have been no doubt what I would have done and I would have done time.
The first thing is she really has to realize they are not her family.

[PAT303]

I'm with Craig,move her away from her family and start over.To do what they did and the worse thing her mother knowing about it and letting it happen?,the further she is away from them the better. Pat

[d3syd]

Agree the above. Probably will be harder to do than say, but it's the only way.

Geez there are some sickos (the parents) out there.:mad:

[olbod]

Not good.
It seems to me that the mother is blaming the daughter for what the father did to her. She's the one needs councilling.
if action is taken against the parents that might lead to the daughter
thinking she has to defend them if she is that confused. This would cause her more mental strife.
Would be good if the husband could take control again and move her far away.
Failing all that, run a truck over the parents, dad certainly needs his nuts cut.

Robert.

[p38arover]

Is there any chance she could talk to the police about her sexual abuse? I know that's a long shot.

It's difficult when one knows that happened. Should it be reported or not when it's well after the event and difficult to prove — let alone the effects on all concerned? Note that I do not condone this, I'm just not sure if it does any good (for the victim) to rake it all up many years later.

[drivesafe]

the worse thing her mother knowing about it and letting it happen?

Exactly.



then consider moving out of the area away from the influence. The problem with this is the victim is the one who has to move and that is not fair, but often the only answer. If they move they often wont have a support network of friends.
This is not an option and for the reasons you posted, the best support she has are her friends.



Is there any chance she could talk to the police about her sexual abuse? I know that's a long shot.
She actually filed a complaint with the police and they were going to act on the complaint but she withdrew it.

I can not imagine what must be going through her mind and would hate to be in her position.

[vbrab]

I have worked in the field of sexual abuse and its consequences, and research seems to confirm that when mothers are told by a daughter that they are being sexually abused or have been sexually assaulted, that nearly 70% of them will do nothing or will blame the girl.
I have had this account related to me repeatedly by survivors over my years of counselling and working in mental health.
In Australia the research indicates that 1 in 4 girls (and a slightly lesser ratio of males) will have an unwanted sexual experience before they reach puberty, and that 4 in 10 Australian women will have that experience in their lifetimes.
Read the historical accounts of the landing of the First Fleet, or "Damned Whores and God's police", to perhaps look for the origins of this culture in Australia
In the field of drug addiction, research shows that 70% of addicts cite sexual abuse as their starting point, and from working in mental health, I know that is a similar % to the experiences of women with acquired mental health issues.

The most important response one can make to those who report abuse is not to deny their experience. Support them and seek professional help for them.
Regards vbrab

[It'sNotWorthComplaining!]

Tim you said a report was made to police,but withdrawn , probably from family pressure. She needs to be removed from the enviroment she is in.
If she can go and get help and get herself into a shelter where she is removed from all this sickness. Maybe she can with the help of a councilor take legal action against the scumbag parents.

[stevo68]

Hey mate.....tough situation. The one thing that hasn't copped much of a mention here....is the 10 yr old boy. The mother needs to keep it together and continue to get help as she has a responsibility to her son. Without going into much "personal" detail.....bad things happen to many people, though as an adult no one is holding a gun to your head. You get to make the choices, changes and action's as an adult.

Nothing can be done about the past...if she isn't willing to press charges then that is not an option to be pushed. By seeking help in the past.....means she sees the purpose of it...but is she doing it now? Ultimately....like any situation in life...she has got to want to help herself not only for herself but her son.

If that does mean moving away and starting again so that she and her son can have some semblence of a life...then she needs to do it. Really depends on what type of head sits on her shoulders. Ultimately she needs professional help to deal with this....Womens shelter/ church out reach/ counselling. Kudo's to you and your friends standing by your friend and keep supporting her. But she needs to fight the battle for herself and her son, as well all do when it comes to these sort of things.

Regards

Stevo

[lardy]

The issue is her confidence,she has been instilled with a lack of self worth by her parents, they should be the people in ones life you can depend upon when you are in strife, also the abused feel inadequate to stand up to there abusers, which in effect compounds the effect of the abuse mentally.

If she has the mental fortitude to escape by leaving with her partner she may well be able to get the strength to reflect over time and seek assistance from the law.

Sadly I have seen many cases where peoples inability to stand up to their abuser ends in an extreme circumstance, sometimes with the abused person doing time for an extreme action when they snap and knock off the abuser.

She surely needs to have any psych assistance she can get
Regards Andy

[lambrover]

As you have indicated moving is out of the question, is it possible for her to change her habits or routine, by this I mean if the town is big enough she could change shopping centers, service stations and other outlets so as to avoid bumping into the parents.

Keep up the good work though mate.

[33chinacars]

I agree with all that has been said so far. But unfortunatly your friend has to be ready to make the break from her parents. AVO yes, Charges yes, Move possibly. She has to make the descision. And until she is ready all you can do is be there for her. Know what you would like to do but you would end up up going time.

I have a friend where 2 out of 3 sisters were molested by stepfather. She rearly speaks with her mother or sisters. The **** head was also a friend , now have nothing to do with him. If others had known at the time he wouldn't be around now thats for sure.

In the long run your friend has to decide which is more important, Her sanity or her parents. Only she can make that decision & only when she is ready.

Gary

[drivesafe]

Thanks for all the replies and a bit more detail.

My wife and a number of this woman’s friends were talking about ( I’ll call her Sheila ) Sheila about 3 or 4 years ago, when Sheila had to go back to hospital again.

None of her friends could understand why she was having so many problems when she didn’t seem to have a care in the world and because she was always helping her friends, they were always there for her.

Then, during the chat her friends were having, one of the girls let it slip that her father had molested her when her was 11.

At that time, that was all that was known.

Then last night was a girls only night and after what her mother had done yesterday after, last night Sheila broke down and told all her friends the full store.

Now as I posted earlier, Sheila did go to the police, not long after the incidents took place, but back then, things were done differently and she was asked what she wanted to do while her mother was present.

You get the picture.

On top of everything else, she lives only a few doors from her parents and her mother is doing everything in her power to poison her 10 year old son against her.

A lot of phone calls have been made today and moving may now be a real option as she has a number of friends in another city, way down south, so her friends up here are trying to see what can be arranged without Sheila being aware, at this stage.

With just a bit of luck, her mothers latest rage may very well bring her mother and father down once and for all.

[newhue]

Moving is a must, even if its only to the other side of town. Sheila wont be able to build a better life while she lives down the road. She will have enough with what's going on in her head without constantly running into them.
She also has to be strong and cut the boy from her parents and fill his life with love and support, otherwise he will be be confused and problematic later on. The divorce will have enough impact on its own without her parents chipping in. It sounds like she has enough good mates to love and support her. It can be a long and tireing road and sometimes the load needs sharing. So good on you Tim.
Can she mend things with her ex? I know that is two battles and with a move perhaps 3. However would be a good outcome but a big risk and big ask. Or at best keep there relationship positive as she will need to get his consent to take the boy away interstate.

good on you Tim for being there, I can only wish for you and Sheila good luck and a happy and long lasting outcome.

[rovercare]

People who are molested rarely wish to go through with the prosecution of the person who did it, it's a bit of a minefield, time does not heal it and don't think the victim will think rational about it or the offender

I've been through the aftermath of an unsettled victim, with the wonderful mental health issues that go with it, hard work albeit, moved away from the offender some years ago, but as it was a family member and kept hush, her choice, was still seen at Xmas etc

Anyhow, my theory of through an aulro fund raiser we get someone like that, both of them wacked is actually not a good idea

She probably does not want to be alone, which makes moving difficult, it's the times she's alone it will be the worst, stuck in her own thoughts

All I could really to was offer support and try convince that isolating this person from ones life is a good idea, it's amazing how these things can be around many years after the fact, so don't expect it all to be logical, otherwise we'd be cutting these dudes cocks off;)

[Big Dog]

Lots of positive answers here but she needs to talk to a councilor who can specialise in this sort of thing asap
she needs to know in herself that she has not done anything wrong and to distance herself from the offenders, hard but must be done.
you cannot bump into these people at random, it will leave no room for healing
give me a PM Tim i might know of someone

[drivesafe]

Hi again folks and thanks again for the great replies.

Big Dog, thanks for you offer but, luckily for her, she has an excellent practitioner and he in turn put her on to a top specialist ( I hate using the word psyiatrist because of the connotations it musters ) who has, for the last few years been her biggest support.

Now that her friends know more, they can work in better ways of helping her.

One of Sheila’s biggest supporters has been the company she works for. They have been very understanding, but then again, I suppose it comes back to them trying to keep a good worker.

I don’t know where this is going to lead but it was just such a hit to hear what had really been going on and I am obviously quite naive, because of all the similar situations that have been posted here and in PMs to me, these have shown me how little I knew of this kind of thing.

One thing though, had I been present at the rage attack on Saturday, ( if there had have been friend present I bet her mother wouldn’t have done a thing ), as someone posted above, I’d be looking at a 10-20 stretch.