Hug your loved ones, and often

[wagoo]

My dear sweet and lovely wife and soul mate of 11 years finally lost her 5 year battle with mental illnes yesterday morning in a 4th and final attempt at taking her own life.
Whilst the medical and psychiatric fraturnity did everything they could to help her over those years, and she showed every sign of encouraging progress to all concerned, something snapped and this time I found her too late to revive her.
We had our usual marital domestic arguments over the years, but I loved her deeply,although she knew I loved her I rarely told her so,and probably often took her love for granted.
I don't know if showing affection and my feelings to her more often would have led to a happier outcome, but the thought is something that will haunt me forever. I've learned one very sad lesson, and that is the Anglo/Aussie macho bull**** about hiding your feeling and never showing emotion is exactly that,bull****.
Please, if there is someone in your life whom you care deeply about,give them a big hug and tell them how much you love and care about them, and do it often. I'd give my life to be able to turn the clock back just 48 hours to give her that reassurance whilst she was alive instead of whilst holding her lifeless and broken body in my arms.
Bill.

[Disco Muppet]

Terribly sorry to hear the news mate. Hope you're okay
You have my deepest and most sincere condolences
Muppet

[timbo]

My dear sweet and lovely wife and soul mate of 11 years finally lost her 5 year battle with mental illnes yesterday morning in a 4th and final attempt at taking her own life.
Whilst the medical and psychiatric fraturnity did everything they could to help her over those years, and she showed every sign of encouraging progress to all concerned, something snapped and this time I found her too late to revive her.
We had our usual marital domestic arguments over the years, but I loved her deeply,although she knew I loved her I rarely told her so,and probably often took her love for granted.
I don't know if showing affection and my feelings to her more often would have led to a happier outcome, but the thought is something that will haunt me forever. I've learned one very sad lesson, and that is the Anglo/Aussie macho bull$hit about hiding your feeling and never showing emotion is exactly that,bull****.
Please, if there is someone in your life whom you care deeply about,give them a big hug and tell them how much you love and care about them, and do it often. I'd give my life to be able to turn the clock back just 48 hours to give her that reassurance whilst she was alive instead of whilst holding her lifeless and broken body in my arms.
Bill.
Same thing happened to my mum mate, in 2007. She had Bi-Polar disorder, and she was in Canberra, away from most of her support networks like long standing friends, and family. I spent all of my leave looking after her, and then days after I came back up, and she'd been looking happier, she made her way back to her house and ended her life. I think they often feel happier when they have decided that they are going to do it, and when they have figured out a plan.

Deepest condolences and empathy from someone who has been there. Don't blame yourself mate.

[p38arover]

Bill, I am so sorry to hear that. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

Ron

[series3]

My condolences Bill, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Sam

[Tusker]

Truly sorry to hear. My condolences.

Max P

[wrinklearthur]

Bill

I want to pass our condolences on to you.

Regards Arthur and Denise Blackwell

[stevo68]

You have my thoughts and best wishes,

Regards

Stevo

[87County]

Terribly sad to read this - please accept our sincere condolences....

Thank you for making the effort to share with us.... it must have been very difficult

[juddo]

So sad. Our condolences to you and the family.

Matt and Nicky.

[Bundalene]

We also send our deepest condolences to you Bill.

Having someone so very close to you with a mental illness must be an absolute nightmare...not knowing if or when something could "snap" - as you say. The fact that your wife showed signs of encouraging progress would have been something you must have felt positive about.

Please, don't blame yourself - just reflect on the good times you spent together.

Stay strong mate, it's going to be a hard time for you and your family over the next few weeks. Surround yourself with your good friends - it helps.

And yes, you are so right - give your soul mate a big hug, and tell them you love them - often!

Erich & family

[d3syd]

My condolences to you and your family. Terrible news :(. We all hope that out of every tragedy some good emerges, and I feel the advice you have given us is both poignant and valuable. I shall take it to heart.

[rainman]

That's really harsh Bill. Good on you for having the strength to put this out there, and not only suffer in silence yourself, but to remind us to be thankful for what we have.

James.

[Killer]

So sad Bill, please accept our condolences, and thanks for the reminder to show our loved ones how we feel towards them.

Mick.

[Chops]

Our deepest condolences mate. It's never an easy time, no matter how the loss.
All the best for the future.
Marcus and Leeanne

[incisor]

please accept my sincere condolences

keep talking to people and hang in there....

[JDNSW]

My condolences, and thank you for letting us know.

John

[timbo]

If you need a perfect stranger to talk to, feel free to hit me up with a PM.

[CraigE]

So, so sorry to hear that. Words will not help, but we are all thinking of you in this time of sorrow.
Seems all too common these days.
Take care
Craig

[djam1]

I am so sorry Bill
If there is anything I can do please let me know

Duane

[999]

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Aaron

[MacMan]

Awfully sad Bill. :(

[The ho har's]

Our sincere condolences.

Thankyou for sharing in this time of sorrow.

[Redback]

My condolences Bill, chin up mate there's better days ahead.

Baz.

[Aussie]

Very sorry to hear of your loss, hang in there, time heals all wounds

[MEANZ06]

So sorry to hear this! My condolences :(

anything I could possibly do to help just let me know...

Vic

[Yorkie]

condolences to you and your family, remember the good times you shared.

[KarlB]

It is never easy to lose a loved one Bill, especially in the circumstances you describe. You wife is at peace now. Hang in there and dwell on the good times.

Cheers
KarlB
:(

[85 county]

So sad Bill, please accept my condolences.
My first wife went Bi-polar in her early 20s then manic, unfortunately she succeeded on her 3rd attempt.
There is only two things I can say. Life gets better with time and stay off the bottle, I didn’t and I payed

[Chucaro]

My deepest condolences Bill, be strong and thank you for sharing your grief with us, we appreciate your message.

[shollie]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. My wife's family has mental illness in it and I know how tough it can be at times. My hope is that you may receive some comfort from the following information.

There is a school of thought that there are five main 'love languages' and everyone feels most loved by one or a combination of these. These 'languages' are: words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts.

Now, while you regret not actually telling her (words of affirmation) as often as you would have liked that you loved her, I am sure that she effectively heard you say those words by either the things you did for her, what you gave her, the time you spent with her and how you touched her.

Hoping this eases at least somewhat your current anguish.

Sheldon

[ssk]

Bill,
Our most sincere and heartfelt condolences...
let the good memories prevail..
Regards to the family..

[frantic]

Extremely sorry to hear this. I had to help my wife through a similar situation when her father did the same thing , he was suffering from bi polar and depression. Try not to get stuck on "what ifs" and "if only's". Instead try and enjoy the happy memories and look forward to the things you enjoy for the future.

[SBD4]

Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine putting myself in your place at this time - what a terrible thing for you to have to go through.

As everyone has said don't blame yourself and hang on to the good times as they will put a smile on your face even when you are going through the darkest of times.

Of course make sure you have plenty of family and good friends around to give you those hugs you speak of.

Sincerest condolences,

[timbo]

There is a school of thought that there are five main 'love languages' and everyone feels most loved by one or a combination of these. These 'languages' are: words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts.

Now, while you regret not actually telling her (words of affirmation) as often as you would have liked that you loved her, I am sure that she effectively heard you say those words by either the things you did for her, what you gave her, the time you spent with her and how you touched her.

Hoping this eases at least somewhat your current anguish.

Sheldon

Well said.

[bob10]

Please accept my condolences, Bill, just remember you are not alone, reach out if you need to talk. Bob

[isuzurover]

Terrible news Bill. Very sorry to hear. My deepest condolances.

[Fluids]

My deepest condolences Bill.

That sucks :(

[dswatts]

My deepest condolences, Thoughts are with you and your family.

Dylan

[THE 109]

Sorry to hear the terrible news Bill, my best mate lost his girlfriend to drepression in a very similar way. Keep talking to friends and family for support and try to focus on the good times you both shared.

Regards Eric

[brenno]

I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult both of your lives must have been, and how difficult it was in your life together, although I'm sure there were moments of immense happiness throughout. Remember those happy times.

The demons that plagued your wife (and you) are gone, and she is in a much brighter place. Please draw on all your support at this time and celebrate her life.... Celebrate your life together.

Take care Bill.

[LandyAndy]

Sad news Bill.
Use the support of your friends here.They are a great bunch in times like this.
Andrew

[Tombie]

Damn mate :'(

You have my most humble and deepest condolences...

May she find peace.

Sincerely
Mike

[Ean Austral]

Such a sad story, but also a credit to yourself for putting out for others to learn from. Remember the great times you spent together and try not to dwell bad times

Please accept our sincerest condolences,

Ean & Louise

[RobboLFC]

sympathy and condolences Bill. I have never spoken to you before but my wife and I feel and know your pain.

know that you will never walk alone

regards

[fraser130]

Bill, I'm really sorry to hear about your wife. I don't really know what to say,
Try to focus on positive and funny times you shared, That's who she really was, and that's how you should remember her.

Fraser

[SimonM]

Condolences mate from my whole family - a tragedy on a grand scale. Like others have said if you need someone to talk to I am also available.

[drifter]

Bill,

I, too, lost a wife. Not in the same way but still unexpectedly. My most heartfelt thoughts and best wishes to you and your family.

John

[Bearman]

My sincerest condolences Bill. As said keep in touch and let us know if you need any help...Brian

[uninformed]

Bill, its with heavy heart that I read and now write this. No one should go through what you both have. Im sure at this time you are being hard on yourself....there are just somethings we cant fix or change. Im glad you can talk about it somewhat here. Not only for others but yourself. Ill be thinking of you and family and if I was there you would be the first Id hug.

May your lovely partner rest in peace.

your mate,
Serg

[justinc]

Bill. Very sad to hear, my thoughts and condolences are with you at this very hard time.

JC

[SuperMono]

Words that help in these circumstances are hard to find.

Last Sunday when the three of you were heading into town your wife's smile made my day. I hope you can draw on positive memories of your time together during this difficult time.

Otherwise all I can offer for the moment is that you are not alone, the thoughts of many are with you, reach out if you need to, we are here.

Stephen.

[RichardK]

Our deepest condolences Bill, and yes you are so right we do need to express our feelings

Richard and Dru

[slug_burner]

Bill,

My sincere condolences.

It gets to a stage were there is nothing you can say or do to change how a depressed person feels. It is indeed an illness that robs a person of the ability to see the way out of what they are experiencing.

Stay strong, remember the good, lean on your friends and remember it was not anyone's fault.

[Ralph1Malph]

My wifes and I thoughts are with you.

As many have said, the future is there to be conquered.

All the best
Roger and Lyn

[wagoo]

Thank you all for your kind words, I've tried to thank you with the thanks icon on your individual posts, but the pages are very slow to load this evening so I'll try to attend to that tomorrow .I am overwhelmed , appreciative and humbled by the responses here and regret that my wife didn't share my Landrover related interest, for she would have learned what a generally great bunch of people the LandRover fraturnity are. Family and friends have as some have suggested also been a great comfort today. Neighbors, some I didn't even know existed have also been great in taking the time to call in to express their condolences.
I will continue where possible to be involved with and support my wifes support group, the E.A.C.H organisation, who do a fantastic job of helping those with mental issues get their lives back on track. I don't consider my wifes passing as a failure on their part, for without their help and support I fear I would have lost her much earlier.
Bill.

[Davo]

My sincere condolences as well, Bill. Don't worry about what you should have or may have or might have done and remember that you were there when others would have given up. It's true - some people will run a mile from a huge problem like this, so it takes a solid guy to hang in there.

[digger]

There is no way around your anguish. Meet it head on. Decide that, although you had no choice in your wife’s tragedy, you do have a choice in how you respond.

Let your wife be a continuing presence in your life and her good positive points and memory continue to inspire you.

Reach out to anyone. As you have pointed out men tackle grief in a different way, often we totally avoiding facing it. Some men build a fort around their feelings. The pain of loss is just as intense for men as for women, but as a society we praise those who “hold up well," who maintain “a stiff upper lip," who adopt the strong, silent stance, as if the stoic mask provides some protection. On the contrary, instead of shielding against pain, the mask hurts. In hiding pain, it has to be carried silently and alone.

Everyone handles grief differently but I believe you need a focus. Accept help and share the suffering. In reaching out to others like you have I believe you help yourself.

I do not pretend to know the depths of your grief and pray to god I never have to, But myself and my family all are thinking of you and have you and your family and friends in our prayers.

I have only just lost you and the pain is so very hard to bear
Why do I have to go through life knowing you're not there?

please some one explain to me why she had to go
are there any single reasons, I really need to know

I sit here and remember all the lovely times we shared
the talks, the laughter of every one, and how you always cared

I loved you, I disliked you, we argued and we kissed;
Your face, your touch, your scent forever I shall miss;

To hold you in my arms again, my soul no longer lost;
I'd pay the price and gladly have no worry to the cost.

The thoughts so dark that ate at you, made you feel so alone
the tries you made to end it all, I understood but could not condone

Is it truly so selfish to want you back again?
although I tried I could not calm your mind, I could not ease your pain,

Sometimes I know I hurt you, I know that was so true;
But please forgive me for those wrong, for I always have and always will love you
I am told the pain will ease in time and I’ll think of her without tears
but I feel that will be impossible as I need to have her here

I’m glad the pain for her is gone, she finally found that elusive peace
But the regret I feel for things unsaid will never ever cease

She was my very world to me and my ever guiding star
Just kiss me softly on the cheek and tell me you are safe where you are




This is a combination and adaptation of “The Leaving” by Colin Jarratt and “My Lost Love” by Anne Spiller, apologies to both for borrowing their work but I feel combined and with a few changes it fits this situation..





Do not blame yourself, remember the good times, talk to someone, anyone...and just remember to breathe...

Digger & Clan

[Slunnie]

Bill, I'm so sorry to be hearing this. My sincerest condolences to yourself and your family. It is certainly a stark reminder to consider lifes big picture and to remember to value the every day aspects.

[goingbush]

Bill,
We are very sad to hear of your tragic loss.

The loss of a loved one is extremely hard to come to terms with, especially when that loss is through tragic circumstances.

It is a natural part of the grieving process to lay blame with yourself in some way, tho these words will not ease your pain, hopefully that will come with the support of family and friends.

our sincere thoughts are with you.

Don & Val Incoll

[33chinacars]

No words I can say will take the hurt away.

Focus on those that are left behind ( Yourself & family)

Keep safe. Reach out to friends if needed. Even friends or strangers ( as I am ) on this forum. Remember all the good times you had.

My Deepest Sympathy . You and your's are in my prayers

Gary & Family

[Vern]

Condolences to you and your loved ones, very sad news indeed. Couldn't imagine what you are going through right now.

[mick88]

Our deepest empathy and sincere condolences.


Mick and Jill

[fender95vnt]

Bill,

my deepest condolences.

I know that you did everything you could have possibly done. If there is anything I can do remember I am just near by.

fender95vnt (Phil)

[Chivalry]

Bill, you have my sincere condolences and empathy. I have watched my only brother battle severe mental illness for close to 10 years and my aunty succumb to the worst possible outcome.

As hard as it will be, stay strong in the memory of your beloved wife. I am very sorry for your loss.

[George130]

Wow

Nothing I say could ease the pain

So sorry to hear. Hope you take care of yourself as you need it right now and yes do ask for help / company if and when you need it.

[roverrescue]

Bill,
Tears for you.
Steve

[Capstan]

Bill,

Sorry to hear about your tragedy. The trials family are there for you, only too keen to give back to you in your time of distress.

I hope to catch up with you soon.

Adam

[rangieman]

Sorry to hear Bill:eek: i have called George and let him know , Im sure he will call you in a day or 2 , He is as shocked as i am .

Chin up mate we are all here for you should you need us , My thoughts are with you

[wagoo]

Laptop is acting up still but once again I would like to thank you all for your expressions of sympathy and messages of encouragement.
I've had quite a nice day mixed with sadness and joviality, with several good friends calling in to spend the day,feed me and offer moral support.My sister in law, step daughter and niece also came and conducted a traditional Vietnamese ceremony at the location where my wife spent her final moments.A couple of phone calls and messages of condolance from LROCV members. All in all, you have all contributed to lifting my spirits considerably and I do feel more positive for the future.Much appreciated.
Bill.

[sniegy]

Condolences sir,
It is a very sad story & it hurts to read things like this.
Please, if you need to talk feel free to talk to any of us.
Remember the good things & keep them in your heart & mind forever.

Sent from my iPad using Forum Runner

[modman]

I wish we could fix everything with spanners, it's just not possible.
It's a crappy hand you got dealt but kudos to you for staying at the table.
Our condolences and love to you and yours at this sad time
David and family

[wagoo]

If there are any Arborists on the forum I would appreciate some advice on how to preserve the tree where my wife chose to spend her final moments.She expressed wishes that her ashes be returned to Vietnam to reside beside her late parents, so for me and others the tree will be her grave site to pay our respects, and I want to mount a laminated, weather protected photo of her to the tree.
It is an approx 20 year old stringy bark gum around 15 mtrs tall,50cm dia with a forked trunk beginning about 3mtrs from ground level .It was partially scorched on one side in the 2009 bushfires. Although the tree is still alive, the unburnt core is exposed from ground level to the fork junction. the width of the exposed section of core is about 20cm and the bark has grown in such a way as to seal the vertical edges of the exposed area. There is evidence of some rot at ground level. one leg of the fork is almost dead.
If it is thought that the tree cannot be saved I would like to cut the trunk down to a stump approx 1.5 mtrs tall to prevent the wind from blowing it down and mount the photo to the bevelled top of the stump. Any advice on termite proofing what would then be the dead tree stump would also be appreciated. I would like this memorial to last at least 15 years if possible.
Bill.

[Tombie]

Bill

I consider myself a pretty hard man.. But your last post just brought a tear to my eye...

[Lotz-A-Landies]

Bill, I feel for you in your terrible loss.

Mental illness is such an awfull thing and so much worse when it's in your own family.

While we can do little to help your grief other than sending your best wishes, thoughts and prayers. Remember you are a part of this Land Rover family and we're always here to listen and talk whenever you feel the need.

R.U.O.K?

Diana

[Andwoo]

Bill, my thoughts are with you. Having had people close to me suffer from mental Illness, I understand what a terrible thing it can be. Sadly unlike an old Land Rover it is not easy to undertand and it can't be fixed in a weekend.

Andy

[DeeJay]

Bill,
Thank you for your post. I just gave my wife a big hug & kiss, it is easily something to forget to do.
My sincere condolences, our paths have crossed a few times & I know a lot of people think your skills are awesome when it comes to Land Rovers.
I'd like to think your wife married you in the knowledge that you loved her & just wasn't great at showing it. We can't be everything to everyone.

Regards,
David

[Landy110]

Bill, so very sorry to hear it mate.
Your sentiment about telling those you love how you feel is one I have passed on to many young parents since losing my daughter in an accident 7 years ago. Always give them a hug and tell them you love them.

It would seem to me that you have been a good supportive husband and this would have been apparent to your wife I am sure.

Also, you seem to be like me in that you have reached out to others, you are already taking the steps you need to take to deal with this tragedy. All I can say to you is that there is no right way to grief but there is a wrong way and that is to do what you think others will expect.

You do what you need to do, reach out to others when you need to as you have done here, take on board the huge amount of support that is the Land Rover community.
Our thoughts are with you and it is obviously a very genuine support that is being shown for you.

Steve

[DT-P38]

Sorry for your loss. Have some understanding of where you are at. Try to Remember the good times. The other stuff will fade... Keep talking to as many people as you can bear too.

Although we all wish we never had to do it, grieving has purpose. Talk and share your way through it as much as possible.

[DT-P38]

Forgot to say, I am in Melbourne too if you need anything PM me. Don't recall if we have met on drives, camping or not, but would like to help out if I can.

Sorry i don't know much about the tree question but will make a call or two tomorrow and post findings.

[goingbush]

Bill,

Good to see you are keeping your chin up .

I'm not sure that the majority of people in AULRO know how legendary you are,
I don't know if you'd be comfortable with the title of Mr Landrover, but I reckon it fits, you probably don't realise it but you have been an inspiration to me for going on 30 years & I bet many others feel that way too.

I gather there are no Arboriosts on AULRO,
There is Tree Ethics in Chum Creek,

I don't mind helping out by chipping in, perhaps we could pass the hat around.
I can get something going if you like.

[V8Ian]

My sincerest condolences. Mere words cannot ease your pain, but take full advantage of the support so freely offered here and I'm sure elsewhere. You are in my thoughts.

[DT-P38]

Hi again,

Have done some google research and spoken with 3 professional tree guys in the East of Melbourne. Conversation was about lopping the Stringy Bark down to a reasonable sized stump and leaving it like that for 15-20 years. Common points to note:

1. Be sure there are no permit (to fell/cut) requirements from your local authorities.
2. Given emotional bearing of the tree, employ someone else to cut as precisely instructed and poison (round up, or equivalent) fresh cut(s).
3. If stump is to be less than 5 metres and has no lean to it, stop here. Job is good for 15-20 life of memorial. 2 of three tree guys agreed even termites would not bring it down during that period, just lighten it from the inside.
3b. The third tree guy said you could guarantee 20-25 years life by treating the stump with similar preservatives/pesticides as a light/elec'y pole. Google/Wikipedia described these as:
- Historically... Creosote;
- Now... Pentachloraphenol, copper naphthenate and borates.
Note: These treatments are not nice stuff to play with and no idea of where you get them from. Also bear in mind to get the level of preservation of a light pole you would have to expose as much of the root system as possible and treat it as well.

Suggest steps 1-3 would be right for the job and just add in a mild dose of linseed oil (which from memory showed up under preserving chainsaw stump carving on google) every now and then to keep a "well looked after" appearance.

Hope this info helps with your decision.

Dave

[wagoo]

Hi again,

Have done some google research and spoken with 3 professional tree guys in the East of Melbourne. Conversation was about lopping the Stringy Bark down to a reasonable sized stump and leaving it like that for 15-20 years. Common points to note:

1. Be sure there are no permit (to fell/cut) requirements from your local authorities.
2. Given emotional bearing of the tree, employ someone else to cut as precisely instructed and poison (round up, or equivalent) fresh cut(s).
3. If stump is to be less than 5 metres and has no lean to it, stop here. Job is good for 15-20 life of memorial. 2 of three tree guys agreed even termites would not bring it down during that period, just lighten it from the inside.
3b. The third tree guy said you could guarantee 20-25 years life by treating the stump with similar preservatives/pesticides as a light/elec'y pole. Google/Wikipedia described these as:
- Historically... Creosote;
- Now... Pentachloraphenol, copper naphthenate and borates.
Note: These treatments are not nice stuff to play with and no idea of where you get them from. Also bear in mind to get the level of preservation of a light pole you would have to expose as much of the root system as possible and treat it as well.

Suggest steps 1-3 would be right for the job and just add in a mild dose of linseed oil (which from memory showed up under preserving chainsaw stump carving on google) every now and then to keep a "well looked after" appearance.

Hope this info helps with your decision.

Dave

Great stuff Dave, thanks so much for researching all that for me. Sounds fairly straight forward and within my capabilities.will get onto it very soon. Much appreciated.
Regards, Bill.

[101RRS]

Bill,

I have been away for a few days and only just read your very sad post. I had the pleasure to meet you and your lovely wife last year albeit for only a short period of time.

All I can say I am very saddened to hear of your loss, and please accept my condolences.

Garry

[Homestar]

Hi Bill, I too have been away from the forum for a few days, and I have only just read this thread. I lost my twin brother the same way, and while this is not the same as losing your Wife, I just wanted to pass on my and my family's most sincere condolences.

Remember the good times, and don't be afraid to get help if you need it yourself for any reason - I'm sure you are only too aware of all of this, but keep your family and friends close at a time like this, and - like others have offered - if you ever need someone to talk to - on the phone, on the forum or in person, I'm always here.

Hang in there mate - Gav

[isuzurover]

If there are any Arborists on the forum I would appreciate some advice on how to preserve the tree where my wife chose to spend her final moments.She expressed wishes that her ashes be returned to Vietnam to reside beside her late parents, so for me and others the tree will be her grave site to pay our respects, and I want to mount a laminated, weather protected photo of her to the tree.
It is an approx 20 year old stringy bark gum around 15 mtrs tall,50cm dia with a forked trunk beginning about 3mtrs from ground level .It was partially scorched on one side in the 2009 bushfires. Although the tree is still alive, the unburnt core is exposed from ground level to the fork junction. the width of the exposed section of core is about 20cm and the bark has grown in such a way as to seal the vertical edges of the exposed area. There is evidence of some rot at ground level. one leg of the fork is almost dead.
If it is thought that the tree cannot be saved I would like to cut the trunk down to a stump approx 1.5 mtrs tall to prevent the wind from blowing it down and mount the photo to the bevelled top of the stump. Any advice on termite proofing what would then be the dead tree stump would also be appreciated. I would like this memorial to last at least 15 years if possible.
Bill.

Bill, there are probably ways to save the tree if you prefer that option.

I know the guys who appear in this programme.
Catalyst: Tree Deaths - ABC TV Science (http://www.abc.net.au/catalyst/stories/3488105.htm)
If anyone can tell you how to save the tree, they can.

If you would prefer that option I can ask them.

[newhue]

Bill, I don't know you, but I read you first post and had nothing to say as the tears fill my eyes.
I took your advice, it can't be wrong.

I'm hear now again some days later with tears again, still have nothing to say.
But you have changed my life.

thanks

[wagoo]

I'm going through quite a busy period leading up to my wifes funeral, and won't be able to maintain this thread for a few days. I tried to reply a couple of times here yesterday, but my posts have obviously disappeared into Interspace.
I caught up with some confused and distressed souls from my wifes mutual support group yesterday (her second family with the EACH group) to reassure them of the deep love she held for them all. We dedicated the weekly hike through a national park to her memory, and they kindly invited me into their fold.
Other good news is that that my 14 year old step daughter, whom I feared would accept the options offered to her to live with her Vietnamese relatives has decided to continue her life at home here with me.
Thanks once again for all messages of support.
Bill.

[Ausfree]

Yeah mate, I know the feeling, it is one of being totally and utterly gutted. Brings back memories of that night in 1974 when my first wife at the age of 27 collapsed in my arms after suffering a massive asthma attack. She died one week later in hospital, without regaining consciousness, so I never had a chance to say goodbye.:( Life does move on, but you never forget!!!

Sincerest condolences, my thoughts are with you, Bill!!!!:(:(
Jim.........

[Beckford]

My condolences.

We had a sick broad leaf iron bark out the front of our house. We got a tree climber to prune off the dead sections and re-balance the tree. After 2 attempts the tree is very healthy and stable.

I know nothing about trees, but please PM me if you want chat about anything.

[Land Rover Widow]

Hi Bill...I'm not sure if you would have been active when I posted something very similar to you in August last year. My fiance Simon took his life on the 28th and my life turned upside down. I was also too late to revive him though the circumstances were slightly different. Reading this has brought back the rawness of the pain I felt then... no words will do justice to explaining right now but I do feel for you and if I could hug you I would. It's an awful experience and it takes time to heal. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be hurt. Don't question yourself and how you behaved or torture yourself with 'what if'. Know you loved her with all you had. I don't know if this will help at all but something I told myself many times and still do now when it hurts is that he wasn't the man I loved in the final minutes. The man I loved had already gone. The man I loved had been suffocated with the darkness that mental illness brings and he couldn't see out and he couldn't stop. He wasn't trying to hurt me or my son, he was trying to escape the pain...It can be easy to forget the good times. Try and focus on them, let yourself laugh and smile and always let yourself cry. If I can help in anyway, please contact me. The support from the men and women on this site was phenomenal when I was in your shoes and I know that you will have people around you helping to hold you up.

Stay strong and take it one day at a time

[wagoo]

Hi Bill...I'm not sure if you would have been active when I posted something very similar to you in August last year. My fiance Simon took his life on the 28th and my life turned upside down. I was also too late to revive him though the circumstances were slightly different. Reading this has brought back the rawness of the pain I felt then... no words will do justice to explaining right now but I do feel for you and if I could hug you I would. It's an awful experience and it takes time to heal. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be hurt. Don't question yourself and how you behaved or torture yourself with 'what if'. Know you loved her with all you had. I don't know if this will help at all but something I told myself many times and still do now when it hurts is that he wasn't the man I loved in the final minutes. The man I loved had already gone. The man I loved had been suffocated with the darkness that mental illness brings and he couldn't see out and he couldn't stop. He wasn't trying to hurt me or my son, he was trying to escape the pain...It can be easy to forget the good times. Try and focus on them, let yourself laugh and smile and always let yourself cry. If I can help in anyway, please contact me. The support from the men and women on this site was phenomenal when I was in your shoes and I know that you will have people around you helping to hold you up.

Stay strong and take it one day at a time

Thank you very much for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't find your name in your profile. Yes I was active on the forum when you experienced your personal tragedy, and your sad story broke my heart. I regret I couldn't offer any words of comfort as I was recovering from my wifes previous attempt and I always knew in the back of my mind that this time would come. all I could offer to you at that time was the 'thanks' key.Please accept my belated condolences to you and yours.
I have indeed gone through a whole range of different emotions in the past week. I'm currently going through the angry phase because the farewell letters that were found, after being translated from Vietnamese to English didn't provide the answers or reasons that I was hoping they would, and generally didn't make much sense anyway. I'm generally an Aethiest, Agnostic at best,and I don't drink or take drugs, but a couple of days ago when I visited the tree, I felt and saw what I thought was a difficult to explain energy force in that location. When I returned home late last night after a family meeting and after reading the farewell letter I gave my wifes photos such an angry paying out that if that energy force was real it would have got such a fright as to have shot through at 100mph.I hope it returns when I've settled down a little.:(
Bill.

[Sue]

Hi Bill, like newhue (Jason) in his post above I also visited this post a couple of days ago.. I spent some time (in tears) trying to compose a reply but was unable to find the words to explain how much your post affected me..

and again like newhue I find my self sitting here with tears in my eye's still searching for those words that I know I will never find.. because words just don't cut it..

The words you used to stress how important it is to not take for granted our loved ones and to show that love will not be forgotten by many people; and I for one will always treasure the time that I have with my precious family and friends.. life is too short and too unpredictable to do otherwise..

I don't know you Bill but I was saddened to read that you worried that is you had of shown more affection etc that things would have been different... I have lost a dear friend who suffered with severe depression and have another close friend (also with depression) that has attempted suicide several times; and after talking and supporting her over the years I truly believe that no it would not have made a difference.. Land Rover Widow said it far more eloquently that I ever could when she said "The man I loved had been suffocated with the darkness that mental illness brings and he couldn't see out and he couldn't stop".. (and once again I find myself bawling).. I guess what I am trying to say is that it's obvious that you loved your wife with all your heart and I think she knew that.. please don't blame yourself.. instead together with your step daughter try to focus on the good times and the love that you shared... *many hugs*..

[dullbird]

I'm sorry Bill I only got half way through your first post initially when I was reading it out to Ian and I could not continue on as I was starting to cry. it has taken me until now to come back to this thread.

I came back because I really wanted to give you my condolences. I could not even imagine the pain of losing a loved one naturally let alone losing one so tragically.

my heart goes out to you and all those people that have had or are having the dark battle with depression

[Land Rover Widow]

Thank you very much for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't find your name in your profile. Yes I was active on the forum when you experienced your personal tragedy, and your sad story broke my heart. I regret I couldn't offer any words of comfort as I was recovering from my wifes previous attempt and I always knew in the back of my mind that this time would come. all I could offer to you at that time was the 'thanks' key.Please accept my belated condolences to you and yours.
I have indeed gone through a whole range of different emotions in the past week. I'm currently going through the angry phase because the farewell letters that were found, after being translated from Vietnamese to English didn't provide the answers or reasons that I was hoping they would, and generally didn't make much sense anyway. I'm generally an Aethiest, Agnostic at best,and I don't drink or take drugs, but a couple of days ago when I visited the tree, I felt and saw what I thought was a difficult to explain energy force in that location. When I returned home late last night after a family meeting and after reading the farewell letter I gave my wifes photos such an angry paying out that if that energy force was real it would have got such a fright as to have shot through at 100mph.I hope it returns when I've settled down a little.:(
Bill.


I know what you mean about knowing the time would come. When I drove to find Simon I kept thinking I had to go to the police to report him missing. I already knew even though I didn't have any real reason to think it at that time. I remember saying to the ambulance officers (first on the scene) that I wasn't surprised. Very sad, but not surprised. Part of me always knew it could happen and part of me always expected it. Thanks for your condolences. The months that have passed have been kind to me. Life is a lot easier now than it was in those first few months. I won't lie, it's still hard and I still find myself in tears here and there. But the constant thoughts of him have faded a little and I have more space in my thoughts...if that makes sense. I am sure she is with you...I was raised catholic but will admit to being skeptical and openly questioning of religion in general. But after he passed I definitely felt him around. Oh and my name is Sarah, I always forget to end with that! If you want to talk, at any time please let me know. I also know of an online community for widows that I joined. I didn't post that often but it helped reading others journeys and seeing what others who lost through suicide went through over the months that followed the death.

[wagoo]

Thanks once again Sara and all othe contributors to this thread. I wish you, I and and all the others that shared their similar experiences of tragic loss with me here could suddenly wake up a find it was just a bad dream.
Alas they weren't dreams but the kind heartfelt words of encouragement from all has helped me enormously. Thankyou once again to all.

I hope to personally get back to regular programming on the forum asap.
That means my usual bagging of every model LandRover/RangeRover ever made, getting involved in sometimes heated arguments over the relative merits of traction control verses difflocks etc and occasionally giving technical advice to questions and problems whenever I feel sufficiently qualified to do so. I love the banter and don't bare any malice to any of those I occasionally sparred with.
I really am a LandRover enthusiast, Honest:angel:
Regards, Bill.

[Grimace]

Bill, you might not know this but ever since I got my first Rangie almost 10 years ago, I have looked up to you as a genuine good honest person, with a great knowledge of land rovers and the mechanical workings that happen within them every day. If I see an article with a vehicle you have had any form of input into, I have read it, saved pictures, and videos (the 6x6 vids are still in my collection).

Why have I told you this now... well I decided that instead of my condolences, I would take your advice from your initial post, and cut the macho bull****.

In my eyes your a legend and I am pained to learn of your loss, I lost a mate a couple of years ago and every now and then I get a painful reminder of the fact I wont be able to share a beer with him in person for a long time. But it's not my pain that saddens me, it's the thought that others have to bear this pain, and the fact that they have to bear it often.

I struggle to make this post, but I must, please be assured that help, or a freindly voice is just a call, SMS or PM away. Your still a land rover legend to me, even more so today!

[Didge]

Hi Bill, I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. My and my family's hearts go out to you, your family, you wife's family and all your collective friends. Sara's words ring so true. Way back in 1990 my 22 year old brother took his own life with my father's pistol that he only used for a sports gun club. My father beat himself up so much for so long for having that gun. As Sara said, blaming yourself and asking all the what ifs in the world will do absolutely no good to you and our family and in no way did anything you've done or not done contribute to the situation.

I remember when my brother died the sense of overwhelming shock that went right through not only my immediate family, and obviously all our relatives but all my brother's friends who were shaken to the core. Usually people don't think about the friends and how it affects their lives.

I remember my father crying himself to sleep for countless nights and my mother living in a stunned stupor bordering on depression (which she has suffered from on and off for life). My mother describes her life as being in two parts; one when my brother was alive and the other since he died.

People express their condolences in various ways, some well and others not so well and they usually struggle to explain their sincerity and true feelings but they all mean well.
Suicide is such an alien act to those of us who don't suffer any form of depression that when we're the ones left behind we're constantly asking "why, why, why" and saying things like " if only I'd done this or that" and we are consumed by feelings of guilt for not seeing the signs that so called experts tell us are obvious but are invisible to those who are closest to the victim. We feel guilty that our loved one was in more pain than we realised or we didn't even recognise, but it's not our fault. We feel guilty for laughing so soon after the event and then slip back into despair. We go up and down, high and low and every high brings a feeling of guilt.

We see others the same age as our loved one laughing and enjoying life and think how the world still rolls on and no one but us misses them; what's the point in it all? what's the meaning of life? Material possessions mean absolutely nothing.
We don't understand the logic that drives suicide and often don't want to listen to words of comfort some may want to offer, especially when those words come from neighbours or acquaintances who were not really that close to us which reminds me of a woman who came to speak to my mother just after my brother died. She was a distant neighbour, a "nod" or "tip of the hat as you pass" type of person. My mother didn't want to see her and thought she was just being nosy but she told my mother how she herself had tried suicide some years earlier. Her logic (and Bill, I apologise if this is offensive or causes upset) was that if she died every one would be better off, so in effect she saw her actions as being for the better good and that gave my mother some small comfort that my brother was thinking of others. I don't really know what else to say other than having been close to your situation, I really do empathize with your situation and offer my most sincere condolences.
regards Gerald

[newhue]

Bill every time I come to this thread I go inward. I never said that I feel for you very much and wish the feelings of loss and hurt would just go away.
I have to completely agree with Sarah, buy the time one takes their life the person you know is not there anymore. It's like sitting on a fence, and the slightest puff or air makes the decision, the decision is not theirs.

grieve and take your time, be angry, be happy, be depressed, be annoying, be frustrated, and in time you will live, laugh, and love again.

[Michele]

Hello,
just found your post.
I'm sorry
:(

[stock]

May she be granted eternal peace,
to you Bill the strength to soldier on.

[poleonpom]

Bill,

So sorry to hear of tragic situation of your loss of your beloved wife.

I suffer from bi-polar disorder and I count myself lucky that I only have it mildly. When I'm down there is no rational reasoning and reaching out is the last thing I really want to do - ultimately it is the disease talking and nothing about the love you have for others. I know I am loved by my wife/kids/friends as your wife knew that you love her, but it was the darkness of the disease that took her and not anything you did or didn't do.

With respect,

Jonathan

[wagoo]

I feel very humble, inadequate and guilty, because every single contribution expressing condolences, empathy, sympathy,words of encouragement, and the sharing of similar experiences truly deserve a personal individual response from me.Simply hitting the ''thanks'' key below every post and writing a general response occasionally seems so inadequate and disrespectful to all of you who have displayed such kindness, understanding and generosity towards me. For that I do apologise and can only stress once again that I am deeply moved, many times to tears by every contribution. and I sincerely express my condolences to everyone who has endured similar tragedies, and offer my very best wishes to those who personally have, or are caring for, or concerned about family members, friends etc that are burdened by mental or any life threatening or debilitating illness.
Regards, Bill.





Thanks 'Grimace 'and ''Going Bush' for the kind words re my past LandRover career.If the title hat you suggested Don, came anywhere near fitting me, that was a long time ago, and I freely admit that since my forced early 'retirement' this feeble memory of mine has deleted well over half of the 4wd related data that it once held.

[Land Rover Widow]

Simply hitting the ''thanks'' key below every post and writing a general response occasionally seems so inadequate and disrespectful to all of you who have displayed such kindness, understanding and generosity towards me.

Definitely not the case, not at all Bill. You're acknowledging everyone and that's no disrespect. Given everything on your plate I think everyone would understand if there was no response at all :)

[scarry]

Sorry to hear what has happened,can't think of anything more to say than what has already been said.
An all to common very sad situation,keep your head up,we are here for you





Definitely not the case, not at all Bill. You're acknowledging everyone and that's no disrespect. Given everything on your plate I think everyone would understand if there was no response at all :)

LRW,well said:)

[PAT303]

Bill,I'm on the other side of the country but if I can help in any way just ask,stay strong mate. Pat

[Sleepy]

Bill,

Having seen this thread earlier, I had avoided it. (Yeah, the typical bull**** reaction you speak of earlier)

I just knew it would be sad news.

Well , despite a little tear in my eye, I feel somewhat uplifted by the love, empathy and condolences from some truly sincere replies.

Best wishes and good luck Bill.

I am in SE suburbs of Melbourne - If you need a hand with anything drop me a PM.

.....now to go and hug the missus.

Paul

[wagoo]

I have only just lost you and the pain is so very hard to bear
Why do I have to go through life knowing you're not there?

please some one explain to me why she had to go
are there any single reasons, I really need to know

I sit here and remember all the lovely times we shared
the talks, the laughter of every one, and how you always cared

I loved you, I disliked you, we argued and we kissed;
Your face, your touch, your scent forever I shall miss;

To hold you in my arms again, my soul no longer lost;
I'd pay the price and gladly have no worry to the cost.

The thoughts so dark that ate at you, made you feel so alone
the tries you made to end it all, I understood but could not condone

Is it truly so selfish to want you back again?
although I tried I could not calm your mind, I could not ease your pain,

Sometimes I know I hurt you, I know that was so true;
But please forgive me for those wrong, for I always have and always will love you
I am told the pain will ease in time and I’ll think of her without tears
but I feel that will be impossible as I need to have her here

I’m glad the pain for her is gone, she finally found that elusive peace
But the regret I feel for things unsaid will never ever cease

She was my very world to me and my ever guiding star
Just kiss me softly on the cheek and tell me you are safe where you are




This is a combination and adaptation of “The Leaving” by Colin Jarratt and “My Lost Love” by Anne Spiller, apologies to both for borrowing their work but I feel combined and with a few changes it fits this situation..



Digger & Clan



Well the time is drawing near to close the page on this unfortunate saga, and possibly to this thread as well. Once again my sincere appreciation for all your support.

To Digger and Clan,Thankyou for posting and sharing this lovely and moving poem.
Athough I have been feeling surprisingly strong and positive this past week,I just know that I will not be in any emotional condition to say too much in front of my wife and everyone at the funeral tomorrow.
Along with a separate note with a few words of my own, I would like to print this poem out and place it on her coffin, because as you mentioned
''it fits this situation'' almost perfectly.
Regards, Bill.