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DiscoMick
11th September 2013, 03:20 PM
... are clever, rather than merely relying on swearing, I reckon. Here's a few new ones to me I've read recently:

Do you beep when you back up?

Are you a model? I'm sure I've seen you on a trophy.

Maybe you can add some more...

Ausfree
11th September 2013, 03:25 PM
One made famous by the late Grahame Kennedy.........

"Do beg my pardon":D

Disco Muppet
11th September 2013, 03:28 PM
Would you like a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Eevo
11th September 2013, 03:31 PM
is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?

sheerluck
11th September 2013, 03:38 PM
Get off the road, I haven't got enough petrol to go around you!

Debacle
11th September 2013, 03:39 PM
Your nickname wouldn't be lightning would it.

Chucaro
11th September 2013, 03:42 PM
Please do not use Paul Keating's insults, they maybe are copyrighted :D

sheerluck
11th September 2013, 03:46 PM
You look like someone set fire to your face and put it out with a shovel.

Or were you born at the top of the ugly tree and hit your face on every branch as you fell?

R Miller
11th September 2013, 03:51 PM
Your not deaf and I didn't stutter


Are you parents proud?

Eevo
11th September 2013, 04:00 PM
your so ugly that when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother.

Stuck
11th September 2013, 04:00 PM
3 million sperm and you were the fastest ?.

Ausfree
11th September 2013, 04:02 PM
The best insults are where the receiver does not even realise they have been insulted........Grahame Kennedy was good at it, Norman Gunstan was brilliant at it,,,,,particularly with Yanks!!!:D:D

loanrangie
11th September 2013, 04:05 PM
A face like a half sucked mango .

Eevo
11th September 2013, 04:10 PM
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory

You are so ugly that when your mum dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering

If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents

Do you still love nature....despite what it did to you?

Disco Muppet
11th September 2013, 04:10 PM
I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

BST4X4XFA
11th September 2013, 04:21 PM
3 million sperm and you were the fastest ?.

Good one.

A proper insult is like telling someone to go to hell in such a way they look forward to the journey.

Disco Muppet
11th September 2013, 04:23 PM
Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers.

pretty much any of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman's lines from Full Metal Jacket.

Eevo
11th September 2013, 04:28 PM
tal Jacket.

i didnt know they stacked **** that high

Debacle
11th September 2013, 04:28 PM
No wonder your parents hate you.

Ausfree
11th September 2013, 04:30 PM
I know I'm talking like an idiot, I have to, or you won't understand me!!!

sheerluck
11th September 2013, 04:33 PM
You're so full of crap, even your eyes are brown.

Disco Muppet
11th September 2013, 04:39 PM
You are literally too stupid to insult.

Disco Muppet
11th September 2013, 04:51 PM
Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak ridge

"You're gonna pay full price, I don't give any ****ing servicemans discount"
"Too bad your old lady does"

Su-Nap!

Ranga
11th September 2013, 04:59 PM
I always liked "passion fingers"

Blknight.aus
11th September 2013, 05:00 PM
are you naturally stupid or did you take lessons

mate your IQ is lower than a porn stars knickers

Id call you a dipstick, however they serve a useful purpose.

Blknight.aus
11th September 2013, 05:21 PM
Of course Im talking down to you. I'm too lazy to think down at your level

belgim snorking jaffle sporker.

Sure, Id explain it to you but Im sadly lacking in single sylable vocabulary.

and which village idiot home schooled you?

Hard to believe that of the millions of sperm that could have made it you did.

Im not even going to suggest that a 5 year old couldve done that better, It would be a statement of fact.

Ive met bogans with more class than you

Darling, Im not saying I dont like you but if we were ever captured and the only way we could escape was for me to rape you or feed you feet first into a wood chipper, Id feed you feet first into the wood chipper.

do you see flashes of light behind your eyes when your two brain cells meet.

sorry I bumped into you, you dont happen to know your orbital escape velocity do you?

Slower than a stalled series in low range...

no way you evolved, you're walking proof there is a god and he has a sense of humour

which dunces hat did you crawl out from under

303gunner
11th September 2013, 05:32 PM
I'm not going to start a battle of wits with an obviously unarmed man.

Ancient Mariner
11th September 2013, 05:54 PM
Why dont you keep your mouth shut and let everybody think your an idiot rather than open it and prove it

NavyDiver
11th September 2013, 06:04 PM
He is a self-made man and worships his creator

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure some time in a few generations

and my favorite

Some cause happiness wherever they go; you do to, whenever you go

Re prior employees

You will be lucky to get this person to work for you

He was fired with enthusiasm

I can't recommend this person too highly

frantic
11th September 2013, 06:06 PM
We have 5 kids, 13-1 and often get the comment" don't you have a TV?" To which I reply, we have 3 tv's 2 computers and an iPad but I know what we'd rather be doing;) . Then the alternative if their trying to be nasty is yes we have tv's and computers ,but I can see why you'd ( or your partner) would rather be watching TV .
There's also the comment "why so many" which we respond a) trying till we got one we liked / didn't like . B) trying to prove the theory that only stupid people are breeding wrong, c) didn't know what caused it till our oldest came home from year 6 sex ed class and told us:D
Here's a link to a few more we've used.
Don't Blink...: Large Families FAQ with Come backs (http://blogginbridget.blogspot.com.au/2007/12/large-families-faq-with-come-backs.html)

DiscoMick
11th September 2013, 06:06 PM
Was it Tammy Fraser who once described someone as lower than a snake's duodenum?

Also like these:

You're so old you still dress up to fly.

Using deodorant is not the same as taking a shower.

And one that probably applies to me:

You could be charged with excessive use of denim. :angel:

Mick_Marsh
11th September 2013, 07:35 PM
They said you weren't worth ****ing on but I stood up for you. I told them you were.

RVR110
11th September 2013, 08:17 PM
I'd love to insult you, but you wouldn't understand.

If ignorance were bliss, you'd be the happiest person alive.

I’d love to chat with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I don’t know what makes you dumb, but it really works.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

Rick1970
11th September 2013, 08:55 PM
so let me guess....you drive a Landcruiser.....

your father should have pulled out and shot you up the curtain.....

A head like yours should ache......





I worked with a guy who repeatedly told anyone who would listen how cold the water was on his 'head' whenever he used the loo....

I said, I prefer the spring water out the front, but if you like the taste...

Will Wallace
11th September 2013, 09:02 PM
I think it was Sir Winston Churchill who, during ww2 staggered out of a pub, when a lady said, "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!" To which he replied, "yes my dear, and you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober".

Hall
11th September 2013, 09:09 PM
If you where twice as smart as you are now you would still be half as smart as any one else.
Mum told me never argue with a idiot. You will just drag me down to your level and beat me with experience.
So Darwin was right about evolution.
Cheers Hall

superquag
11th September 2013, 10:09 PM
Yes, he's the original 'self-made man', - a classic result of unskilled labour.

jerryd
11th September 2013, 10:51 PM
I think it was Sir Winston Churchill who, during ww2 staggered out of a pub, when a lady said, "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!" To which he replied, "yes my dear, and you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober".

I'd always heard it as ..... "Madam, in the morning I'll be sober but you will remain ugly" :D

33chinacars
12th September 2013, 12:50 AM
When I want you to speak I'll pull your chain.

Sprint
12th September 2013, 06:07 AM
You're so fake even China denies any responsibility for your creation.

DiscoMick
12th September 2013, 07:36 AM
I'm busy now. Is it alright if I ignore you later?

Disco Muppet
12th September 2013, 10:04 AM
If I wanted a joke I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

mikehzz
12th September 2013, 10:35 AM
One of my father's favourites....as ugly as a hat full of arseholes

Ranga
12th September 2013, 11:32 AM
One of my father's favourites....as ugly as a hat full of arseholes

Anorher good one, albeit crude "As useful as a **** full of cold water"

DiscoMick
12th September 2013, 12:56 PM
Those clothes are not doing you any favours.

Disco Muppet
12th September 2013, 02:47 PM
My favourite one from FMJ, very flexible so can be made to fit plenty of situations.
"You climb obstacles like old people ****"

mikehzz
12th September 2013, 03:05 PM
As useful as tits on a bull; doesn't know **** from clay; wouldn't know if his bum was on fire.

ezyrama
13th September 2013, 10:36 AM
Your village called, They're missing their idiot

And one I said to my Mother In Law when she accused me of putting on weight.
I'm fat, your ugly, I can diet!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.

Disco Muppet
13th September 2013, 10:43 AM
Couple of Teenager ones....

I had a dream about you.
Awww?
Yeah. You died.


Or....

I had a wet dream about you
Oh really?
Yeah, you got hit by a bus and I ****ed myself laughing

:angel::D

VladTepes
13th September 2013, 12:51 PM
Eeewww. She's got a face like a smashed crab.

Eevo
13th September 2013, 12:56 PM
stolen from a film


XXXX: [over the phone] Dragan?
Dragan: Yes.
XXXX: I've got an idea... Why don't you come 'round for breakfast? I'll squeeze some orange juice and grind some coffee and we can talk about this like adults. How's that sound?
Dragan: Sounds very hospitable.
XXXX: Do you know where I live?
Dragan: No.
XXXX: Well, **** off then.
[hangs up]

Disco Muppet
13th September 2013, 11:46 PM
I love that movie.
The ending though?

:mad::mad: :angrylock::angrylock: :censored::censored: :2up::2up::bat::bat::rocket::rocket::soapbox: :soapbox: :thumbsdown::thumbsdown:

jonesfam
14th September 2013, 08:02 AM
Lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut.

Blknight.aus
14th September 2013, 08:29 AM
Still tries to eat soup with a fork

screws up more often than I make tpyos

so useless he couldnt find porn on the internet.

The only thing right about him is his own feelings of self worthlesness

Nothing like a job well done, what youve done is nothing like a job well done

his only use is as a distraction to keep the heat off of us

at least we can depend on your consistent incompetence

Of course I agree that you're twice as smart as you were, double nothing is still nothing.

tact
14th September 2013, 12:11 PM
...someone pee'd in your gene pool

Eevo
14th September 2013, 10:13 PM
I love that movie.
The ending though?

great movie.
had to watch it twice though

Roverlord off road spares
14th September 2013, 10:38 PM
3 million sperm and you were the fastest ?.

actually the first sperm to reach the egg will almost never be the one to break through. The one that does will have mooched off the hard work of others, reaping the rewards at the last minute and taking all glory.

Kinda like people.

Disco Muppet
14th September 2013, 11:07 PM
great movie.
had to watch it twice though

Agreed, top five for me.

Sidewinder76
15th September 2013, 12:09 AM
You must have got into the queue for trains instead of brains and asked for a slow one.

If you had brains you'd be dangerous.

They kept you and threw away the baby.

About as much use as mudflaps on a tortoise

And the English think that the Irish are stupid. (This was one of my Irish fathers favorite put downs when someone messed up)

If I wanted raw food I'd buy it from the shops and cook it myself.

And the point of you is?

Have you still got your lunch? Well you can eat it on the way home, your sacked!

Millions of years of evolution and here you are.

Here's 50c. Go and phone someone who cares.

There's a sale on at specsavers.

Paulie
15th September 2013, 02:38 AM
You're the reason we're an equal opportunity employer

DiscoMick
16th September 2013, 11:51 AM
Did you pay money for that facelift?

rick130
16th September 2013, 05:52 PM
I think I have to include these infamous sledges!

Top ten sledging incidents from world of cricket:


1) Rodney Marsh (Australia) and Ian Botham (England)



Rodney Marsh to Ian Botham in an Ashes match: “So how’s your wife and my kids?” Ian Botham’s reply - “The wife’s fine. The kids are retarded !”


2) Javed Miandad (Pakistan) and Merv Hughes (Australia)



Javed Miandad called Hughes a fat bus conductor during a match. A few balls later, Hughes dismissed Miandad. “Tickets please,” said Huges, as he ran past the departing batsman.


3) Glenn McGrath (Ausrtralia) and Ramnaresh Sarwan (West Indies)



McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s di*k taste like?”Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.


McGrath (lost his cool): “If you ever F**king mention my wife again, I’ll F**king rip your F**ing throat out.”


4) Douglas Jardine (England) and Bill Woodfull (Australia)



England player Jardine complained that one of the Australian players called him a bastard. Australian captain Bill Woodfull turns to his team, points to Jardine and asked “Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”


5) Mark Waugh (Australia) and Adam Parore (New Zealand)



Mark Waugh standing at second slip, Adam Parore played & missed the first ball. Mark - “Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were **** then, you’re ••••••• useless now”. Parore- (Turning around) “Yeah, that’s me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly **** & now I hear you’ve married her. You dumb ••••”.


6) Steve Waugh (Australia) and Parthiv Patel (India)



When Steve came (Steve’s last test match) to bat, Parthiv said, “Come on, just one more of the famous slog-sweeps before you finish” Steve-”Respect Me…for when i made my test debut You were still in your nappies”.


7) Glen McGrath (Australia) and Eddo Brandes (Zimbabwe)



Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes - who was just missing each ball. McGrath, frustrated, went to him and inquired: “Why are you so fat?”Quick as a flash, Brandes replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2013/09/871.jpg Ravi Shastri (India) and Mike Whitney (Australia)



Shastri hits the ball towards Mike Whitney (the 12th man in the game) and looked for a single. Whitney said, “If you leave the crease i’ll break your f***ing head”. Without battling an eyelid, Shastri retorted, “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the f***ing 12th man”.


9) Sunil Gavaskar (India) and Viv Richards (West Indies)



To ease the pressure on himself, Sunil Gavaskar had decided to come lower down the order and bat at No 4 for that particular match. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. Viv Richards said “Man, it don’t matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero.”


10) Viv Richards (West Indies) and Merv Hughes (Australia)


Viv Richards hit Merv Hughes for four consecutive boundaries in one over. Merv stops halfway down the pitch, farted loudly, and said to Viv: “let’s see you hit that to the boundary!” Viv was dumb-founded.

DiscoMick
17th September 2013, 05:15 PM
Some insult quotes:

"Prince looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of public hair" - Boy George.

"His ears make him look like a taxi with both doors open"- Howard Hughes on Clark Gable.

"Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a ****ing toad" - Truman Capote.

"She's so hairy, when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit" - Joan Rivers on Madonna.

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception" - Groucho Marx, target unknown.

"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." - Donald Trump to Larry King.

:D

Disco Muppet
17th September 2013, 05:51 PM
"She's so hairy, when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit" - Joan Rivers on Madonna.

"Adele is one of the very few women in pop music that I want my daughter to look up to, and you're making jokes about the way she looks when you're so insecure about your own face, you've spent more money on it than the producers of Life of Pi spent on that tiger!"
He continued: "I've met Adele and she was lovely, and hot.
"You Joan Rivers have become a jaded, bitter old mole.
"Get a plastic surgeon to manufacture yourself a new soul. Stop being an enormous, hypocritical, insensitive dick!"

Adam Hills to Joan Rivers after she mocked Adele on her weight.
I'm inclined to agree.






"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." - Donald Trump to Larry King.


Oh No They Didn't! - Donald Trump got TRUMPED on Twitter by Danny Zuker (http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/78726309.html)

Eevo
18th September 2013, 07:03 PM
you would struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

bee utey
18th September 2013, 10:00 PM
Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Paulie
18th September 2013, 10:10 PM
its like working with an idiot savant.


only you lake the savant bit.

VM_Motori
18th September 2013, 10:11 PM
Merv stops halfway down the pitch, farted loudly, and said to Viv: “let’s see you hit that to the boundary!” Viv was dumb-founded.

Gotta love a true Aussie! Cheer's

DiscoMick
19th September 2013, 09:33 AM
Does anyone know the origin of the 'must've crawled out from under a hollow log' insults? Just curious...

mrapocalypse
19th September 2013, 12:40 PM
Back in your box chocolate.