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bigbugga
24th July 2003, 05:33 PM
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on
my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come look at the hamster!" Oh, my gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute.

"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient.

After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We
were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle..And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... ts...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

bigbugga
25th July 2003, 08:32 PM
What to Do For A Cough


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

LRHybrid100
29th July 2003, 12:58 PM
Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were sh*te."

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could
have happened any time over the last 12 months.

tracker
29th July 2003, 01:08 PM
Chinese Proverbs
> ->->->
> It take many nails to build crib but one screw to
> fill it.
> ->->->
> Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
> ->->->
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> ->->->
> Man who lives in glass house should change clothes
> in basement.
> ->->->
> Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
> ->->->
> Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
> ->->->

bigbugga
30th July 2003, 05:17 PM
<span style="color:darkblue">"The Mans Dictionary"</span>



How often have us guys been told to "Say what you mean" by our beloved lady friends?

The question is "Why should we if it saves some hassles?"

Do the following "shortcuts" sound familiar? If not, take notes as they might come in useful sometime, LOL!



"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'FTroop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

bigbugga
30th July 2003, 05:18 PM
<span style="color:darkblue">"The Mans Dictionary"</span>



How often have us guys been told to "Say what you mean" by our beloved lady friends?

The question is "Why should we if it saves some hassles?"

Do the following "shortcuts" sound familiar? If not, take notes as they might come in useful sometime, LOL!



"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'FTroop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

bigbugga
1st August 2003, 10:27 AM
What to Do For A Cough


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

bigbugga
2nd August 2003, 07:51 AM
Your Face Might Stay That Way (Rated G)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reproach the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was
told not to make ugly faces, because if the wind suddenly
changed direction my face would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."

incisor
2nd August 2003, 08:52 AM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you bloody NUTS?!?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you have for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, Mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and golf."

incisor
2nd August 2003, 08:54 AM
Cheap Parking

A woman walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and goes straight up to the teller.


"I'm going on a holiday this afternoon I would like to borrow $15000 right now" she says
The teller is quite flustered and fetches the manager to assist
"What do you have as collateral for the loan Madam?" asks the manager.

"Can you see the Rolls Royce out the front? Its mine I can leave it here for the duration of my loan" she replied calmly.
The car obviously being worth far more than the loan was enough for the manager and he approved the loan, filled out the appropriate paper work, took the car into the banks underground car park, gave the woman her money and she jumped in a cab to the airport.

During the next fortnight the manager starts to worry about the identity of this woman and whether or not the Rolls was hers and has her checked out, to his surprise she is a multi-millionaire.

Two weeks later the same woman with a bit of a Tan walks up to the teller and hands over $15000 dollars in cash plus a whole $15 for the interest. The manager plucks up the courage and asks about her financial status.

"Madam, I hope you will forgive me for prying but I investigated you and found that you are indeed quite wealthy"

"This, is true" replies the woman,

"Why would someone as wealthy as yourself need to borrow a mere $15000 to go on a holiday?" he asked.

"Honey..." the woman began

"Where else in downtown Manhattan could have I parked my Rolls for two weeks for $15?"

incisor
2nd August 2003, 08:56 AM
Haiku Error Messages

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan:

--------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

incisor
2nd August 2003, 08:58 AM
Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Sorbent Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

bigbugga
6th August 2003, 08:21 PM
OK this is for the married guys out there.

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

bigbugga
6th August 2003, 08:23 PM
101 Things to not say During Sex

1 But everybody looks funny naked!
2 You woke me up for that?
3 Did I mention the video camera?
4 Do you smell something burning?
5 (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6 Try breathing through your nose.
7 A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8 Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9 Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10 But whipped cream makes me break out.
11 Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12 Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13 Can you please pass me the remote control?
14 Do you accept Visa?
15 ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16 On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17 And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18 So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19 (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20 Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21 (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22 Do you get any premium movie channels?
23 Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24 (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25 Got any penicillin?
26 But I just brushed my teeth...
27 Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28 I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29 I want a baby!
30 So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31 (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32 Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33 Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34 I think you have it on backwards.
35 When is this supposed to feel good?
36 Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37 You're good enough to do this for a living!
38 Is that blood on the headboard?
39 Did I remember to take my pill?
40 Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41 I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42 That leak better be from the waterbed!
43 I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44 But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45 Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46 If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47 No, really... I do this part better myself!
48 It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49 This would be more fun with a few more people.
50 You're almost as good as my ex!
51 Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52 Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53 You look younger than you feel.
54 Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55 You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56 They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57 Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58 Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59 You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60 What tampon?
61 Have you ever considered liposuction?
62 And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63 What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64 I have a confession...
65 I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66 Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67 Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68 Is that a hanging sculpture?
69 You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70 Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71 I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72 Did you come yet, dear?
73 I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74 A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75 Does this count as a date?
76 Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77 Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78 I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79 You can cook, too right?
80 When would you like to meet my parents?
81 Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82 Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
83 Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84 Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85 (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86 I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87 Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88 Sorry but I don't do toes!
89 You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90 Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91 Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92 I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93 So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94 My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95 Is this a sin too?
96 I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97 Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98 Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99 Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100 How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101 You mean you're NOT my blind date?

bigbugga
6th August 2003, 08:24 PM
Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''
Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''

Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

bigbugga
9th August 2003, 04:50 PM
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images/potd/tailpipe.jpg


HOLY CRAP BAT MAN, THEY HAVE DOWN TRADED THE BAT MOBILE

bigbugga
9th August 2003, 04:50 PM
you have to try this


It will twist you mind about.

http://www.sendfunny.com/funpages/mindbender.html

bigbugga
9th August 2003, 05:02 PM
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images/potd/satan.jpg

NOW I know where my ex came from https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ :evil:

bigbugga
9th August 2003, 05:04 PM
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images/potd/opener.jpg

Next they will have one with a mini fridge inside..

incisor
9th August 2003, 07:55 PM
they already do...

bigbugga
9th August 2003, 09:40 PM
I hope you dont mean that.

How sad :?

bigbugga
10th August 2003, 11:51 AM
The drag strip will never be the same again.

Now that is wheel lift
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2003/08/1.jpg

bigbugga
26th August 2003, 10:08 AM
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone
line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to
wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I
hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car... :twisted:

bigbugga
26th August 2003, 10:12 AM
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them
during the examination. He may only see their reflection in
a mirror.
Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at
all times.
A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under
Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired. Ah!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only
in tropical fish stores. But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume
this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country
or what?) (Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....!) https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the
govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people
like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they
have bad breath?)

bigbugga
26th August 2003, 10:41 AM
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

bigbugga
28th August 2003, 12:16 PM
http://www.weaselcircus.com/funnypics/z_femalebrain.gif

http://www.weaselcircus.com/funnypics/z_malebrain.gif

bigbugga
1st September 2003, 04:17 PM
A very clever group

Click the link and it will load up a html page for you.
All safe and good
http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html

bigbugga
1st September 2003, 04:17 PM
A very clever group

Click the link and it will load up a html page for you.
All safe and good
http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html

bigbugga
4th September 2003, 06:52 PM
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the
deer meat for supper. He
knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is,
so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are
eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls
me."
His daughter screams...
"Don't eat it, Jimmy!...... It's a fu**ing arsehole ...!!!"

bigbugga
10th September 2003, 08:11 AM
<span style="color:blue">The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town." </span>

bigbugga
12th September 2003, 07:40 PM
http://www.jokefrog.com/pictures/1029.jpg

fernockulated
12th September 2003, 08:50 PM
:roll: Mick and Paddy walking down the street, Mick picks up a pay packet full of hundred dollar notes ,looks at it , then throws it in the bin.
Paddy says" why did you throw that away,it was full of money?"
Mick replied"yeah I know ,but did you see how much TAX i was gunna pay?" :cry: :wink:

bigbugga
13th September 2003, 09:52 AM
lol


Good to see someone else putting some funnie's in here.

Thought I was being boring.

bigbugga
13th September 2003, 09:16 PM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night she told her husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still pure."

"What", said the puzzled groom. " How can that be, if you've been married
ten times."

"Well, husband # 1, was a sales representative; he kept telling me, how
great it was going to be.

Husband # 2, was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he would look into it and get back to me.

Husband # 3, was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband # 4, was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband # 5, was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband # 6, was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how
but he wasn't sure if it was his job or not.

Husband # 7, was in marketing; although he had a product he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband # 8, was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband # 9, was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10, was a stamp collector; all he ever did was lick it!
..................... God, I miss him.

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."

"Good", said the husband, "But, why?".

"You work for Telstra, this time I know I'm gonna get SCR%$#D!"

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 06:24 PM
Q) whats white and sticky and hangs from power poles?


A) TELECUM!!!!! :roll: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 06:26 PM
8O BB boring? never style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
14th September 2003, 08:13 PM
Originally posted by fernockulated
Q) whats white and sticky and hangs from power poles?


A) TELECUM!!!!! :roll: :lol:


OMG Now that's funny.

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 09:19 PM
I'm glad someone else has the same sense of sick humuor!!

bigbugga
14th September 2003, 09:22 PM
hehehe, bring it on.

:twisted: :twisted:

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 09:24 PM
need to dig deep into the memory for some good ones style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
14th September 2003, 09:27 PM
mmm old dusty brain cell's right at the back might have a few

Phoenix
14th September 2003, 09:29 PM
NSW Police Station's new Answering Machine Service Being installed in near future at all NSW Police Stations.

"Hello, you have reached the NSW Police Service Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arise. Please select one of the following options:"

# To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.

# To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.

# To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighbourhood safe, press 3.

# If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

# If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcohol or chemical dependency, press 5.

# If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years for you to deteriorate, press 6.

# To sue us, tell us you pay our salary and will have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

# To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather that keeping your dumb ass from killing someone, press 9.

Please note, your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support, and remember, we're here to save your ass, not kiss it.

Thanks for calling your local NSW Police Station and have a nice day.

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 09:30 PM
:? do you know what a wok is?

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 09:32 PM
A) something you throw at a wabbit when you havent got a wifle :roll:

Phoenix
14th September 2003, 09:34 PM
Ohh, Gwad style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
14th September 2003, 09:35 PM
omg that is so old

fernockulated
14th September 2003, 09:36 PM
well i did say they were a bit dusty
:roll:

bigbugga
14th September 2003, 09:40 PM
two men walking down the street,

First man walk's into a bar,
.
.
.
.
.
. second one duck's

Phoenix
14th September 2003, 10:14 PM
Remind me whose are dusty :?:

Phoenix
14th September 2003, 10:16 PM
another cop one (Provided by a NSW Police friend)

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be and police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

fernockulated
18th September 2003, 07:59 PM
a cane toad and a politician lay dead on the road Q) what is the difference between them? :?

















A) skid marks before the cane toad :roll: :wink:

bigbugga
19th September 2003, 07:54 PM
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Phoenix
22nd September 2003, 09:16 AM
The following are actual lines out of Officer Efficiency Reports or OER's (performance appraisals) for the military:

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

8. Bright as Alaska in December.

9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

11. Fell out of the family tree.

12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

14. He's so dense, light bends around him.

15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

20. One neuron short of a synapse.

21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

22. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

bigbugga
22nd September 2003, 10:18 AM
HEHEHE style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif good one

Phoenix
22nd September 2003, 11:00 AM
And i even know a few military types that fit into some of those descriptions :twisted:

bigbugga
22nd September 2003, 07:15 PM
so do I
makes it even funnier

landrovermick
22nd September 2003, 09:28 PM
hey i resemble those police jokes!!!

anyway this isnt a joke as much as it is a prank.

I went to work the other day, and got onto my inspectors computer. I opened word and changed his auto correct.........

when he typed a fullstop (.) it auto corrected to "I love the big boy"
when he typed a comma (,) it auto corrected to "I am the big boy"

I snuck into my office and started work, after a couple of hours the inspector came in and went to his office, bout 10 minutes later i started to notice phones in the office ringing and people going ito his office, at last one came out and said "Mick will know how to fix it". So there i sat waiting for my phone to ring, i picked up and on the other end was the inspector, "Mick , could you come in here for a sec please", i walk in and here he is with a document for a press release on screen, look mick , look whats happened to my computer.

I look at his screen, and holding back the laughter i say "**** dave, that looks like the big boy virus, just type a comma for me." to which he did .

by this stage i had about 10 people in the office looking and laughing.

dave types a comma and the message comes up, the whole offce burst into laughter, still composed ive said" **** mate, thats the big boy virus, you havent got any emails with attachments have you?" "Well yes he says, i got an email from TAS POL yesterday with an attachment."

Oh know ive said, thers no stopping it, you have to send an email to #VIRUS and let the IT people know. "What do i type he says?"

you can guess the rest i dictated an email for him to send to the IT help desk about how he caught the big boy virus from TAS POL.

all very funny, stopped him sending it but not until i had him cc it to TAS POL,

Give it a go !


ANyone seen my doughnut
mick

landrovermick
22nd September 2003, 09:29 PM
hey i resemble those police jokes!!!

anyway this isnt a joke as much as it is a prank.

I went to work the other day, and got onto my inspectors computer. I opened word and changed his auto correct.........

when he typed a fullstop (.) it auto corrected to "I love the big boy"
when he typed a comma (,) it auto corrected to "I am the big boy"

I snuck into my office and started work, after a couple of hours the inspector came in and went to his office, bout 10 minutes later i started to notice phones in the office ringing and people going ito his office, at last one came out and said "Mick will know how to fix it". So there i sat waiting for my phone to ring, i picked up and on the other end was the inspector, "Mick , could you come in here for a sec please", i walk in and here he is with a document for a press release on screen, look mick , look whats happened to my computer.

I look at his screen, and holding back the laughter i say "**** dave, that looks like the big boy virus, just type a comma for me." to which he did .

by this stage i had about 10 people in the office looking and laughing.

dave types a comma and the message comes up, the whole offce burst into laughter, still composed ive said" **** mate, thats the big boy virus, you havent got any emails with attachments have you?" "Well yes he says, i got an email from TAS POL yesterday with an attachment."

Oh know ive said, thers no stopping it, you have to send an email to #VIRUS and let the IT people know. "What do i type he says?"

you can guess the rest i dictated an email for him to send to the IT help desk about how he caught the big boy virus from TAS POL.

all very funny, stopped him sending it but not until i had him cc it to TAS POL,

Give it a go !


ANyone seen my doughnut
mick

bigbugga
22nd September 2003, 09:40 PM
lmao

I luv it








now about this parking ticket :evil:

bigbugga
22nd September 2003, 09:54 PM
http://www.jokefrog.com/pictures/0919.jpg

bigbugga
22nd September 2003, 10:02 PM
http://www.jokefrog.com/pictures/0922.jpg

Phoenix
25th September 2003, 11:31 AM
A letter home from camp :twisted:

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.
It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet
wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster

Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break
down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10
people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man
stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging
trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.

Don't worry about anything we are fine.
Love, Timothy

8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O

incisor
25th September 2003, 12:47 PM
A blind man enters a women's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
One, the bartender is a blonde girl.
Two, the bouncer is a blonde female.
Three, I am a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
And five, the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional weight lifter. Now think about it very carefully, mister.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :!:

bigbugga
25th September 2003, 01:03 PM
Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

bigbugga
25th September 2003, 02:03 PM
If you wake up one day and this is the first thing you see.
go back to bed

It wont get any better

http://www.humour.com/images/images/nuage_doigt.jpg

Phoenix
25th September 2003, 02:55 PM
The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

bigbugga
25th September 2003, 09:48 PM
Proudly showing off his newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night the drunk yuppie led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock?
"Seriouiouously?" (burping)
"Yup." Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the yuppie said.
He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed...."For f'ck's
sake you w'nker, it's ten past three in the f'cking morning." style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

incisor
26th September 2003, 09:33 AM
Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked as aeroplane mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bruce said,"Man I wish we had something to drink".
Tom said, "Me too. You know I have heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangovers! No bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...it's Tom.
Tom says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Tom says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hang over?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff. No hangovers - nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yea, well there's just one thing......
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well don't, 'cos I'm in Adelaide."

bigbugga
28th September 2003, 08:49 AM
When Men Lie



One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen.into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is amisunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."



The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.



* * * * *



That's our story, and we're sticking to it!


:wink: :wink: :twisted:

bigbugga
28th September 2003, 08:50 AM
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As
he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money
and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy
out of the bed and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up
to the bed, he goes on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up, and
goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes,
He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck, If he wants sex, don't
resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him
satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll
kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought that you were
cute, and asked if we kept Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey
I love you too."
8O 8O

bigbugga
4th October 2003, 08:54 AM
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a new scooter. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000
and
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I
heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*cking scooter!"

bigbugga
4th October 2003, 08:56 AM
One stone!!
This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle. After years and
years of this torment Onestone cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he
shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next
day, until she died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a
woman returned to the village after many
years away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and
said, "Good to see you onestone." Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her
deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night,
shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she
wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?



(You'll love this!!!!) .




You can't kill two birds with one stone.

bigbugga
4th October 2003, 08:57 AM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In
fact,"
he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men
in
contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the

gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he
replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're

just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch."

bigbugga
4th October 2003, 08:59 AM
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams
across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the
courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a
date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry,"
she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please
Come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I
finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf
mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents
and promptly disappears. As you can imagine,
this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely
silent.

Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket on TV, and Mom is busy
knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls
up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her
backside. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her
over the
couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked
into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by
the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night,the girl
asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened
while I was waiting for you and I am still a
bit shocked.
Well,first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,pulls down
her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.
Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her
over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a
match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.

"Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?'
and Dad was replying, 'No, f__ck him - I'm watching the match.'

bigbugga
14th October 2003, 10:17 AM
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too
good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As
it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any
happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children
will remember..The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and
despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good
morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone
had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's
the
greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch. We
didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a
private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said,"Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't
mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a few minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, children,
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ...


.....on the couch.......


......naked.
:twisted:

bigbugga
21st October 2003, 05:30 PM
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

While they are there the mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who
explains that they can ship the body home for ?5000 or they can bury her in
the Holy Land for only ?150.

The guy thinks for a while and then says, "We'll ship her home." "Are you
sure?" the undertaker asks. "That's an awfully big expense and we can do a
very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
:roll:

bigbugga
22nd October 2003, 09:26 PM
If you wake up after a big night out and you see THIS,
You know you had one too many.

http://www.dropdeadugly.com/dp/uglypics/1-84.jpg

bigbugga
22nd October 2003, 09:28 PM
12 reasons why I love my job

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening
doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and
lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to
them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to
pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good
manager.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase,
I'm not here for the money anyway.

bigbugga
22nd October 2003, 09:32 PM
Top 8 Idiots of the Year



1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself
up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked man in
the line-up to repeat the words " Give me all your money or I'll shoot"
The man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
a finger to simulate a gun but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every
manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine
ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct guys
jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water. He
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Phoenix
23rd October 2003, 06:57 AM
Well there is stupid, and then there is American stupid 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
23rd October 2003, 09:29 AM
Originally posted by Phoenix
Well there is stupid, and then there is American stupid 8O :lol:


hehehe :twisted:

bigbugga
23rd October 2003, 06:23 PM
Letter received from Alfred in early January;

Dear Friends & Family,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they
did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
get upset or yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement"
in August, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both
for extra income and for health benefits that we need.

It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I
try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they
aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem
to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Ourwasher and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just
can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to
overlook it.Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the
Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends,
things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have
had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a
more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour.In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to
offer encouragement.I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I
mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.
I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk
with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on
a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.
No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they
get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
worthwhile.

Regards,
Alfred...

Alfred's funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.

Nancy was acquitted on Monday, January 27th

harry
23rd October 2003, 06:51 PM
8) alfred's a bit like someone i know, better just go and wash the cars, 8)

fernockulated
26th October 2003, 09:40 PM
An old farmer in Outback Australia had owned a large cattle station for many years. He had a large natural rock pool out the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, shade areas, parking etc.

The pool was set in natural rock and was always inviting for travelers and backpackers who happened to pass by. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pool, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pool, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pool. He made the women aware of his presence and they all rushed to the deep end of the pool.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pool naked. I'm just here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time...

:roll:

incisor
27th October 2003, 02:35 PM
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

Phoenix
27th October 2003, 03:52 PM
8O

Who said that the court has no sense of humor :twisted:

bigbugga
27th October 2003, 04:07 PM
nice one old boy :twisted:

incisor
30th October 2003, 11:06 AM
BIG GAME HUNTER

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the
bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the
drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded them carefully and took
him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car
trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a
7mm Mag rifle.

He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his
mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of
a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe"

bigbugga
30th October 2003, 05:43 PM
:oops: ooo pass the barf bag

bigbugga
7th November 2003, 06:07 PM
The Chicken and the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented; best buddies, best pals. A few weeks latter the chicken fell into a mud pit soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over & straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip & the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

Moral of the story ??????? (Yes, there is a moral)

"When you're hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks"

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
7th November 2003, 06:10 PM
The Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
7th November 2003, 06:12 PM
Old Woman

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

bigbugga
7th November 2003, 06:14 PM
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
8O

bigbugga
10th November 2003, 12:14 PM
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

incisor
10th November 2003, 12:31 PM
You know you're in an Australian Summer when:

1. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

2. Hot water comes out of both taps.

3. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

4. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

5. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your
car.

6. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

7. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11 While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

12. You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep
during the night.

13. You pray that your train will have airconditioning, and if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

landrovermick
23rd November 2003, 04:04 PM
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. There is absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled phut-phut" of their trademark silenced rifles. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta" One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams, are awakened by the police holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the
now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

Alright, Alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

incisor
24th November 2003, 07:28 PM
Only in Australia...

Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens:

1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2) Only in Australia... is "are you awake?" the standard
concept of foreplay.

3) Only in Australia... do supermarkets make the sick people
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol, etc.,
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4) Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries... and a Diet Coke.

5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open, have no
armed guards and chain the pens to the counter.

6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen
calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to
describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many"; an
"tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures".

9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying, "you're never
too ****ed if you can still find the floor".

Stand proud Australia.....

8O

landrovermick
6th December 2003, 06:55 AM
A tourist visiting Sydney walked into a pet shop and was looking
at the animals on display. While he was there, a police Sergeant
walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Control
Monkey please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the
store and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and
leash, handed it to the Sergeant saying, "That'll be $5000" The
Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That
was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred
dollars, why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath
analyst operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and certified
in pursuit driving - well worth the money.

The tourist looked at another monkey in the cage, "That ones even
more expensive!! $10,000! what does it do?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Oh, that ones a very special monkey, it
can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearm Skills, Counter
Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and
Investigative Techniques and it can even type. All the really
useful stuff."

The tourist turned and looked at another monkey in the cage with a
price tag of $15,000. "That ones must be even better? Whats it
do?" the tourist said.

"That ones a General Duties Monkey, he is required to know
everything about anything, be everywhere yesterday, then duplicate
the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same
information to 20 different departments before he knocks off,
write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant see
anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by
everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the
other monkeys do wrong"

The tourist looked around the shop for a while longer and saw a
fourth monkey in a cage of it's own. The price tag around it's
neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one cost
more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen that one do
anything yet, but it says it's a detective!"

landrovermick
6th December 2003, 06:57 AM
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ..... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts
..... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy ... " and here I am.
See, Blonde Men do exist.

landrovermick
6th December 2003, 06:59 AM
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot
accept money from you, I am doing community service." The florist is
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A butcher goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and
the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am
doing community service." The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a
thank you card and three kilos of fillet steak waiting at his door.

A detective goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber
replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing
community service". The next morning when the barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds at the door?





Can you guess?







Come on.......................









Think like a cop ......................................









..............................








Six other Detectives looking for free haircut..

landrovermick
6th December 2003, 07:01 AM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories
of people who did and do....

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned round and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts" My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

4) Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled omething funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord,
that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have anaccident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

5) This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but
don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

landrovermick
6th December 2003, 07:02 AM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks,interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun
is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are BAD. Don't mess with them.

fernockulated
6th December 2003, 10:27 PM
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

landrovermick
7th December 2003, 07:07 PM
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left
thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman
is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your
thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the
time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"




The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug
companies have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women
may take immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called: "Predickamint."



Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a flight to Europe.
The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear me
some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane." Why you gonna
wear dat?", the other two asked. The first replied, "Cause if dat
plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field,
dey can find me first."
The second lady says, "Well I'm a gonna wear some me some
florescent orange panties." Why you gonna wear dat?", the
others asked. The second lady replied, "Cause if dis here plane
goes down in the ocean, and I'm floating butt-up, dey can see me first."
The third lady says, "Well I ain't gonna wear any panties at all!"
"What, no panties?!" The others asked in disbelief.
Dat's right, you heard me, no panties," the third lady said.
Cause if dis here plane goes down, dey always be lookin for da
black box first."

Knight
17th December 2003, 08:00 AM
There were two brothers.

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His
brother
on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do
in
life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.
Everything
was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and
went to
Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his
brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there
was
his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm
and
a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me
into
Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't
understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have
the
keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him,
"Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has
a hole in it; the blonde does not." :wink:

Knight

Pedro_The_Swift
17th December 2003, 08:49 PM
It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella awards. The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in theUnited States. Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds, the teens who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list without question.

5th place (Tied).

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms
Robertson's Son.

5th place (Tied).

19 year old Carl Truman ofLos Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th place (Tied).

Terrence Dickson ofBristolPennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage door. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The
Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th place.

Jerry Williams ofLittle RockArkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.


3rd place.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson ofLancaster Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone) The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd place.

Kara Walton of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to crawl through the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place.

This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On
his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go
into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. razinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The
company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

lewy110
17th December 2003, 09:16 PM
A wealthy Australian man (yes, we still have a few left) decided to go
on a
safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.
One day, the Dingo started chasing butterflies and before long, he
discovers
that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo
thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poo now!"

He noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles
down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the
leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead,
that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
there?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection
from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading
after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being
made a
fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving Aussie canine."

Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them
yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says,
"Where the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago
to
bring me another leopard."

MORAL: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH
BULL****!

bigbugga
25th January 2004, 11:36 PM
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because...

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pots and pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no-one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broken bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face.

The majority of students in universities today were born between 1983 and 1985........ They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a God of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films out last year.

They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have Bat n Ball games.

They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life.

7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily.

8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together.

9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting older too!!!!
8O

Phoenix
27th January 2004, 08:39 AM
Originally posted by bigbugga
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

Stull do that, still tastes better than bottled water style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

fernockulated
27th January 2004, 10:11 PM
to quote a sign on the side of the road;

"three out of four people make up 75% of the worlds population!"

http://www.stupid-boy.com/smilies/contrib/dvv/sconf.gif

bigbugga
27th January 2004, 10:39 PM
Originally posted by fernockulated
to quote a sign on the side of the road;

"three out of four people make up 75% of the worlds population!"

http://www.stupid-boy.com/smilies/contrib/dvv/sconf.gif

8O ummmmmmm ok then

bigbugga
12th February 2004, 11:48 PM
Right click and save.

One for the Darwin award's

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/greentjdude/...tsosmarttow.WMV (http://mywebpages.comcast.net/greentjdude/Notsosmarttow.WMV)

Knight
13th February 2004, 07:15 AM
Nice One BigBubba!!!!

Heres a quick one for all.....

A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...

Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We
have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know
which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's either bad news or
terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle
of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
Knight

bigbugga
13th February 2004, 10:31 PM
FERNO, itold you those mushrooms had a weird side effect

http://www.dropdeadugly.com/dp/uglypics/2-75.jpg

Knight
16th February 2004, 06:05 PM
BigBubba,

You've obviously seen Deliverance!!
( - er.... not that i have 8O NUF SAID!!)


Golfing Language
Terms you'd hear at golf.......Mind what you say!


Nuts...my shaft is bent
After 18 holes I can barely walk
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
Look at the size of his putter
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it
My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


Hope that gives you a laugh.... :wink:

Knight[/img][/url]
[/list]

fernockulated
16th February 2004, 08:45 PM
Originally posted by bigbugga
FERNO, itold you those mushrooms had a weird side effect

http://www.dropdeadugly.com/dp/uglypics/2-75.jpg


nah , thats cousin gollem after a big night out!!!!!!


and i have a little more hair than that!!!! :roll:

bigbugga
16th February 2004, 10:18 PM
Hair or no Hair
in a line up you will still stand out.

fernockulated
16th February 2004, 10:50 PM
8O i refuse to comment on the subject .......
oh blast by replying i have commented .....
oh phooey!!!!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
17th February 2004, 07:54 AM
Confusious Says.........

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one ***** all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.


KNIGHT 8)

Phoenix
17th February 2004, 09:26 AM
LOL, I like those golf ones.

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has >>had their >>arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and >>stepping on an >>upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal his or her nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not >>putting it >>in a fruit salad.

Timmo
17th February 2004, 10:25 AM
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif Lol.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif Well done Phoenix and Knight......

Phoenix
17th February 2004, 10:41 AM
LOL, I was just e-mailed this one, and I just have to post it style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

The Polish Man
Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Pole: Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Pole: "No." "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Pole: "All my relations are in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Pole: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is, Yes."
Lawyer: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
Pole: No, I'm always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Pole: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Pole: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Pole: I got proof... She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

Expat
17th February 2004, 10:44 AM
This is a classic.............

http://www.punchbaby.com/media/gitfakt/cli...y/ArbitoGay.wmv (http://www.punchbaby.com/media/gitfakt/clips/funny/ArbitoGay.wmv)


I guess crowd violence would be at a min with this chap in charge , no fighting or I scratch yer eyes out! 8O

Phoenix
17th February 2004, 10:53 AM
I've got that one. That would have to be some of the funniest umpiring I have ever seen, what a character style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
17th February 2004, 12:11 PM
Expat.... :wink:
SO PROUD TO KNOW ANOTHER 'PUNCHBABY-ian" amoungst us!!

Has to be the best resource for funny video clips i have come across! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Aonther one for all.........enjoy!

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Knight

Expat
17th February 2004, 12:24 PM
hehehe...

another class site for all things amusing is http://www.kontraband.com/

ho hum ...back to work...

landrovermick
21st February 2004, 04:42 PM
Did you hear that the Irish government just purchased 100 Septic
Tanks. As soon as they can work out how to drive them they are
going to invade England

Bushie
21st February 2004, 09:12 PM
Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit"

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way, he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees the "suit". Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder...

Fred: "'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden and that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!"
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!"
Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there - did you ask him what he does?"
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope?"
Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a ******!"


Bushie

Bushie
21st February 2004, 09:14 PM
Great mysteries of the world
1. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?
2. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
3. When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?
4. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
5. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
6. What do you do when an endangered animal eats endangered plants?
7. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threaten to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. When signwriters go on strike and picket, is anything written on their placards?
11. Where do park rangers go to "get away from it all"
12. Why isn’t there mouse flavoured cat food?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. If a turtle does not have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
15. Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
16. Why do kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
18. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
19. What is the speed of dark?
20. How come we never hear about gruntled employee's?
21. Should engaged couples be frank and earnest, or should one be a girl?
22. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?
23. Is gargling a part of our oral history?
24. If a lady barrister loses her briefs, does that make her a solicitor?
25. If women want equality, why don't they like being treated like a middle aged, foul mouthed, beer gutted yobo?


Bushie

Bushie
21st February 2004, 09:19 PM
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
· The bandage was wound around the wound.
· The farm was used to produce produce.
· The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
· We must polish the Polish furniture.
· He could lead if he would get the lead out.
· The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
· Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
· A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
· When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
· I did not object to the object.
· The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
· There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
· They were too close to the door to close it.
· The buck does funny things when the does are present.
· A seamstress and a sewer fell down into sewer line.
· To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
· The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
· After a number of injections my jaw got number.
· Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
· I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
· How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't ****, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. One moose, 2 moose. One index, 2 indices.

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

People recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship, park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway, have noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

How many of us who were not born in an English-speaking country would able to learn this language?


Bushie

Timmo
21st February 2004, 09:19 PM
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Lol! Very good bushie!

Bushie
21st February 2004, 09:23 PM
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. Pierre replies, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. Again Pierre replies, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie screams incredulously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"


Bushie

Bushie
21st February 2004, 09:26 PM
And the last one







The male brain






































http://www.arbay.com/male-brain.gif




Bushie

bigbugga
22nd February 2004, 10:34 PM
Nice one Bushie.


Keep em coming,

Knight
23rd February 2004, 07:43 AM
HOPE THIS DOES NOT OFFENDANYONE!!! :roll:

Hopefully everyone enjoys this!
(made me LOL) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE RAISE

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Yours truly,

Penis


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management :wink:

Phoenix
23rd February 2004, 08:44 AM
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif you two crack me up, keep em coming style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Knight
23rd February 2004, 09:32 AM
THE FLY

The fresh smell of manure wafted from the inside of a barn. It caught the nose of a very hungry fly and in a second the fly went through the barn’s open door and sat himself on top of a big, steamy horse dropping.

It was so tasty, the fly kept eating until he was ready to burst. He decided to leave, but because he was so full, when he flapped his little wings, he went nowhere.

The fly looked around the barn, trying to figure out how he’d be able to get out of there. He finally spied a pitchfork standing up against a wall and he thought if he could walk to the top of the pitchfork, he could use it as a launch pad and surely be able to fly away.

It was an arduous walk, but the fly removed himself from the dungpile, walked across the floor to the pitchfork, then slowly made his way to the top. He flapped his wings, then pushed off his body.

But alas, he was still too heavy and fell to the floor and splattered when he landed.

The Moral of the Story: Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of ****!!

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Expat
27th February 2004, 02:18 PM
Following on from my "Kings X Ref" posting a while back...heres something completely different from the football (soccer) world.

Enjoy.....


http://www.soccerpunting.com/Palmeiras_Corinthians.asf




P.S this was taken from a "friendly game" 8O

Knight
27th February 2004, 03:40 PM
Nice One Expat!!

Boys and their balls...NO PUN INTENDED!!! :roll:

Quite a funny clip!!


'oh, the stupidity, and the anger, and the fighting......'

When will they learn? :wink:


Keep em' coming!

Knight

Knight
27th February 2004, 03:47 PM
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one
night .
He is on the lookout for trouble.He sees two little old ladies in
the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting."
"Waiting for what?" O'Leary inquires.

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed."


God i love this thread...........
Oh, the laughter!!

Knight

bigbugga
27th February 2004, 11:58 PM
I thought this thread had died.

I got sick of posting most of the funnies


Well done guys keep it up.

bigbugga
28th February 2004, 07:02 PM
a guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store
looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One." The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average
20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$201,237.64." The manager exclaims, "$201,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and
I said, "Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing."

Timmo
29th February 2004, 12:41 PM
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif lol BB......don't know where you keep getting them...

bigbugga
29th February 2004, 05:15 PM
Originally posted by Timmo
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif lol BB......don't know where you keep getting them...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick is hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without
missing a beat, blurts out. ........

"Oh my God!! ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Bushie
29th February 2004, 09:20 PM
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200
men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue.


Bushie

Bushie
29th February 2004, 09:40 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far"

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management".
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault"



Bushie

bigbugga
29th February 2004, 10:31 PM
A Week at the Gym

<span style="color:blue">For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's. </span>

bigbugga
1st March 2004, 11:30 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife Mary about winning the prize.

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come. "

Bushie
1st March 2004, 06:58 PM
There were two gentleman playing golf one sunny day, when a funeral service came passing by. The first gentleman stopped playing, took off his hat and placed it next to his chest.
Well, the second gentlemen replied; "That has got to be the most respecting thing that I have ever seen you do".
The first gentleman looked over to his friend and said, "We've been together for 30 years, I owed her that much".



Bushie

Bushie
1st March 2004, 07:02 PM
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first *******."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, tothing will."




Bushie

Timmo
1st March 2004, 10:27 PM
Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Timmo
1st March 2004, 10:39 PM
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son Vinny, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vinny: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa.

A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig in that garden, that'swhere I buried the money & stocks. Love, Vinny.

At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without
finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant your garden now. I'm sure the soil is loosened real good. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Your son, Vinny

Knight
2nd March 2004, 07:54 AM
NEVER LIE TO KIDS!!
>
>There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
>little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself
>with the newspaper he was reading.
>
>The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have
>under the newspaper?"
>
>Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl
>walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke
>up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
>
>The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I
>don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little
>girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and
>the next thing I know is I'm
>here."
>
>The police went to the beach, found the girl, and
>asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
>
>After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I
>was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I
>broke its neck, cracked it's eggs, and set its nest
>on fire!"
>
>Never lie to kids!!!!!
>
>*Especially a Girl!!!!!

Knight 8)

Phoenix
2nd March 2004, 08:30 AM
8O Remind me not to lie to you Knight style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
2nd March 2004, 01:29 PM
LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

You kill me!

(or, do i kill you after the bird ?) :wink:

still love this thread!

Gotto go and dig another good joke out from the vault.....


KEEP ON LAUGHING!!

Knight

Bushie
2nd March 2004, 09:07 PM
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers,
"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.



Bushie

bigbugga
2nd March 2004, 11:07 PM
The following might not be real rules but it seams that way.
Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building. Don't worry about your gearing. The look of your car will more than compensate for the lack of acceleration and it will give those behind you time enough to admire your giant car.

When you are well aware that your car might break down, try to limb on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic. The middle lane of a 3-lane intersection also works well for the final breakdown.

If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder, you will have to crawl under it and the shoulder is usually muddy. When stopping, leave your car door wide open. When going under the car make sure to stretch your legs as far out onto the road as possible.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it. Any Land Rover tire with wheel can stop any oncoming car up to 2000 pounds GVW thus making an excellent safety device.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine. Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.

If your car leaks oil, visit friends or relatives and park in their driveway. (not enforceable if they also own a Landrover)

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet and slippery roads. On offroad outings insist on taking the most difficult routes and block anyone behind you for hours during which they try to retrieve you- with THEIR winches. Then complain about their lack of skill and tell them the way YOU would have handled that.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes but are uncertain of where it comes from allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you. At the next red light ask him if it smelled like 90Weight, ATF, engine oil or coolant.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you. Alternatively install a bonnet-mounted tire and fill your trunk up to the roof with useless junk.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station. Bonus points are allocated if your cars body is so muddy the attendant makes all kind of artistic moves to avoid touching it. Bonus points are again allocated if you have a bonnet-mounted spare tire. Look how he struggles to open that heavy hood. Drop a copious amount of mud on the ground when leaving.

When washing your car at self-serve units make sure to get all the mud out of the wheelwells. Leave it there so the next one to use this box must first spent a small fortune trying to hose enough down so he can at least get IN the box with his car.

Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights. If ypi replace a burned out headlamp, use at least an 100/130 Watt bulb. Generally use only the brightest bulbs available, carry no spares.

Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit. You will be able to see a lot further.

Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay at a highway toll. On Series vehicles don't replace the seal when it blocks the sliding glass.

If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you. If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.

If the plastic tail light lenses break, fix them with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with clear tape.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to tie it back up. Remember that the system needs some movement, so tie it only loosely. If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.

Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read them. Alternatively install them as low as possible, maybe behind the tow ball so it's always completely covered in mud.

When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one. But he will never ask as he will surely remember you.

Knight
3rd March 2004, 10:51 AM
Politically Correct
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANIONS .

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. H e is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


and the laughs keep on coming...... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight

Phoenix
3rd March 2004, 10:58 AM
OOhhh, I like those, they might even make it into the newsletter. Maybe I should bake you the Joke Editors deputy.

What do you think BigBugga (Joke editor for the AULRO newsletter) ?

Knight
3rd March 2004, 11:27 AM
Well, Thankyou very much Phoenix!!

I am lucky that I'm not the only one with a warped sense of humor - i have to give credit to my friends who send SOME of these to me....
and why be greedy i say, pass them all on!

You gotta laugh in this life! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Until the next couple......


Your friendly "Breasted Citizen"
Knight :wink:

Timmo
3rd March 2004, 01:59 PM
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.

Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.


The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only
to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand.......what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"I think she got fired too."

Knight
3rd March 2004, 02:24 PM
Priceless Timmo!

Ok, ok, this link is for people that can handle something a bit rude
(not graphic, just a bit rude)

http://flash.trojangames.co.uk/tgames/movi...vie2_frame.html (http://flash.trojangames.co.uk/tgames/movies/movie2_frame.html)

(it takes a little while to load, but i find it's worth it!)

Enjoy the laugh! :wink:

Knight

bigbugga
3rd March 2004, 10:35 PM
In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In another office:
AFTER TEA, BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK

bigbugga
3rd March 2004, 10:38 PM
Originally posted by Phoenix
OOhhh, I like those, they might even make it into the newsletter. Maybe I should bake you the Joke Editors deputy.

What do you think BigBugga (Joke editor for the AULRO newsletter) ?

Personally I dont think you should BAKE anyone.



NAAAAAA go for it, I will just send stuff to you anyways.

I have enough to do here just watching over you lot. :twisted:

bigbugga
3rd March 2004, 10:47 PM
Originally posted by Knight


Ok, ok, this link is for people that can handle something a bit rude
(not graphic, just a bit rude)


Enjoy the laugh! :wink:

Knight


OI where did you get that video of me 8O

Knight
4th March 2004, 07:21 AM
oh, the humanity!!

"Would somebody please think of the children" (Simpsons)

Geez BigBugga....You ARE a talented individual aren't you then!!! :wink:

Big fan of your work!

Knight

Phoenix
4th March 2004, 08:16 AM
Damnit, you'll get me in trouble for laughing out loud at work style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
4th March 2004, 08:54 AM
Originally posted by Phoenix
Damnit, you'll get me in trouble for laughing out loud at work style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

I just got some strange looks from across the office....
(me thinks i laughed way too loud just then also!) opps! :roll:

Knight

bigbugga
4th March 2004, 10:12 PM
Originally posted by Knight


Geez BigBugga....You ARE a talented individual aren't you then!!! :wink:

Big fan of your work!

Knight


Naturally :wink:

Knight
5th March 2004, 02:15 PM
The results are out for the Ozwords comp where
entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by adding or
subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition

billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

matesh*t: all your flatmate ' s belongings lying strewn around the floor.

shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

crackie daks: ' hipster ' tracksuit pants.


Knight

Mick-Kelly
5th March 2004, 06:30 PM
Crackie daks,


love it

bigbugga
6th March 2004, 08:06 PM
How to handle a difficult customer ...

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant
in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long
line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone:

"May I have your attention please,
may I have yourAttention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout
the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate
14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You Lady"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that too."

bigbugga
6th March 2004, 08:08 PM
Top Dumb Incidents of Last Year

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate! a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE .. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

bigbugga
6th March 2004, 08:09 PM
I luv the last one about the boat. 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
8th March 2004, 01:23 PM
Couldn't find anything good - so, here is this oldie......


This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a* centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.* This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!!

Scroll down!!!!!



























* * * A little voice came out of the box -

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f**king shoes."

Knight :wink:

bigbugga
8th March 2004, 10:29 PM
VERY OLD.

But still good :wink:

Bushie
9th March 2004, 04:30 PM
A farmer was herding his flock of sheep in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new Porsche Cayenne advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes and Dior sunglasses
leans out the window and asks the farmer: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The farmer looks at the man and answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Optus mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens
the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the
farmer and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right." says the farmer and watches the young man select one of
the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the back
seat of his Porsche. Then the farmer says to the young man: "Hey, if I
can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my
sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why
not?".

"You're a consultant," says the farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the farmer. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew to a question I never asked, and you know f#*k all about my
business. "Now give me back my dog."

Knight
12th March 2004, 09:13 AM
Hmmm, at the risk of offending the females on this forum..here is a good joke for the men!!

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman Feel Like a Woman

On a recent transcontinental flight, a plane passed through a severe
thunder storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to
worse when one of the wings was struck by lightning. One woman on the
plane lost it. She stood up in front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too
young to die! If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone had forgotten their own peril
as they stared at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man toward the rear of the plane stood up. He was
gorgeous ..... tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
began to walk slowly toward the woman at the front of the plane,
unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

No one moved........

He removed his shirt..............
muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped.....

He whispered.........

"Iron this....... and get me something to eat."


Knight :wink:
(who is a female before you yell at me!) :roll:

Phoenix
12th March 2004, 10:16 AM
This is what a good friend does!


Telephone conversation goes;

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside
his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, ma'am."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they findno
cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

Phoenix
12th March 2004, 10:18 AM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Phoenix
12th March 2004, 10:18 AM
An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.


Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins, and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I must either lay you or Jack off."


Debra groaned, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.

Knight
12th March 2004, 03:02 PM
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.**She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

Her note reads:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her.

His note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage.**I have over twenty five million dollars**in the bank.**But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.**JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."


Knight

Phoenix
12th March 2004, 03:06 PM
LOL, that was a good one knight style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif



OFFICE DARE OLYMPICS

ONE POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINTS DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double- barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life
counterparts.


And if that wasn't enough for you...

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

bigbugga
12th March 2004, 11:13 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know."

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know."

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

bigbugga
13th March 2004, 10:39 PM
Bit of a funny game kind of.

Click the link and then try not to hurt the rabbits.

http://www2.b3ta.com/bunnygame/


Oh and turn the sounds up, the music is very relaxing.

bigbugga
13th March 2004, 10:44 PM
Another weird and wakky Game, see if your hand can stay steady.

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/m...ction/game.html (http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/D/distraction/game.html)

bigbugga
15th March 2004, 11:01 PM
THE PRIEST AND THE PASTOR

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground, which reads "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped past. From the curve ahead, they heard the screeching of tires and a huge splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

bigbugga
15th March 2004, 11:04 PM
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill
a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on
the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a
very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who
was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB !

Knight
17th March 2004, 09:37 AM
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their
favorite love making positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the
other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you
mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of
her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel
just like your sister's. "

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds....."


Knight

Phoenix
17th March 2004, 10:14 AM
8O Don't think that i'll be trying that one, too painful :oops:

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
17th March 2004, 02:54 PM
Here's another one:

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
> station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump
> attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
> typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
> "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a
> quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,
> two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
> "What are those?, asks the attendant.
> "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
> "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
> "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
> "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."


Knight
(i could keep posting for days - but i am trying to space them out for you all)

bigbugga
17th March 2004, 10:10 PM
Originally posted by Knight



"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds....."





Wonder if my leather chaps and spurs would help. :wink:

Knight
18th March 2004, 08:33 AM
Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Knight



"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds....."





Wonder if my leather chaps and spurs would help. :wink:[/b][/quote]

I KNEW IT!!! 8O

i knew i saw you in Sydney 2 weekends ago.......

YOU WERE AT THE GAY MARDI GRAS PARADE!!!!
- I Swear that was you on the front of the 'Leather men' float!!! LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

It's all so clear to me now!! :?

(relax people......BB looked great!! :wink: )

Knight
(going to hide - i can feel a beating coming on frm BB...
me scared now 8O )

VladTepes
18th March 2004, 06:45 PM
I hope this one's not here already...




Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; .Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them shag him."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Brucie, "My father plays football for the Canterbury Bulldogs, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

VladTepes
18th March 2004, 07:19 PM
and another one.....


New research..
For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British, Americans or Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British, Americans or Australians.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British, Americans or Australians.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English, apparently, is what kills you.

bigbugga
18th March 2004, 10:21 PM
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried
everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one
day she's having lunch with a friend who refers her to a hypnotist who,
according to her friend "works wonders on anything".

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband,
"remember those headaches I have been having all of these years?
Well, they are gone." "No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What
happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I
do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a
headache.'
Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches all gone".

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband is not
sure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his
appointment with the hypnotist the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips
off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right
back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move!
I will be right back".

He goes back into the bathroom comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife -- even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
"This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that the goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the
door standing at the mirror and saying,
"She is not my wife. She is not my wife. She is NOT my wife!"

bigbugga
18th March 2004, 10:22 PM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come
home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Knight
19th March 2004, 01:07 PM
<span style="color:red"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">The Beer Prayer</span></span>

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.

Forever and ever,

Barmen

(I say this prayer every Friday!)
bring on the drinking....God I love Fridays!!

Knight :wink:

landrovermick
19th March 2004, 01:24 PM
Not a funny but a great pic anyhow ...

http://www.aulro.com/albums/album11/Sunsetfr.sized.jpg

This photo was taken via satellite, on a cloudless day. Note how
the lights are already on in Holland, Paris, and Barcelona, and how it'ss
till daylight in London, Lisbon, and Madrid.
The sun is still shining on the Straight of Gibraltar, and the
Mediterranean Sea is already in darkness.
In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see the Azores
Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands; a bit below are the
Canary Islands; and further south, close to the farthest western
point of Africa, the Cape Verde Islands.
Note how the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during
daytime and nighttime. To the left, on top, is Greenland, totally frozen.
Fantastic and impressive.

VladTepes
19th March 2004, 03:14 PM
Why is Iceland green (ish) but Greenland is frozen solid ???

bigbugga
21st March 2004, 10:47 PM
http://www.bizarremag.com/picture/Dogs.jpg

bigbugga
21st March 2004, 10:50 PM
One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and
get his wife a bird For Christmas. He knew she
loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this
would be the perfect gift for her.

He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he
has anything special In the way of birds. The manager
tells him that in fact he does, it's a Bird named
"Chet" who sings.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet.
The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and
tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband
asks what is so special about him and the manager tells
him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.

The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of
his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath
Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing "Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way". The
husband says that it was great, "Does Chet sing
anything else?" So the manager then lights his
lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to
sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the
ones I used to know ..." The husband is very
impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this
bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as
a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the
bird is beautiful. The husband tells her That the
bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it
beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing,
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way".
The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything
else. The husband then lights the lighter under
Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm
dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I
used to know..."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if
you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same
time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but
they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter
under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to
sing,

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

bigbugga
21st March 2004, 10:51 PM
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other
went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but
only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped
his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran
pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with
every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and
fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went
rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and
yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get
another one!"

Knight
23rd March 2004, 02:55 PM
Ethel

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor dear is several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her eccentric behaviour, and some of them even join in the fun.

One day Ethel is speeding along one of the corridors when a man steps out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he says firmly, "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she hands to him with a big smile. "OK," he says, and off she goes again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she finds another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc for that vehicle, madam?"

Ethel digs into her handbag again and comes up with a well-used beermat, which she presents for inspection, whereupon she is sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man steps out in front of her. He is stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in one hand. "Oh no," cries Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Knight

bigbugga
23rd March 2004, 06:17 PM
OMG how rude. 8O



HEHEHE I like it :twisted:

VladTepes
24th March 2004, 03:31 PM
Knight: That was rude and uncalled for :!: :!:



Keep 'em coming :!:

(so to speak)

Minds out of the gutter, people :!: :!:

VladTepes
25th March 2004, 02:26 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen - for your consideration I give you:



Doris and John had started their retirement and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.

After a few days, an attractive young woman moved into the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city centre studio.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job I have to take a bath every night and I notice you don't have a bath".

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath in the yard and we bring it into the living room and fill it with hot water".

"But what about your husband?" asked the model

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays so he'll be out in the evenings" replied Doris.

That evening, John went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes and explained that it was part of her job to shave herself.

Later, when Doris related to John what she had seen he did not believe her. "Look if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open. You can peek in and see for yourself" she said.

The next night, John left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. She looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and pointed to her own unshaven pubic area.

Later John returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked John.

"Yes," he replied "I've never seen anything like it in my life but why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris "But I guess you've seem me millions of times before."

"Yes," said John, "I have - but the rest of the darts team hadn't".

bigbugga
25th March 2004, 11:20 PM
nasty but funny style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
27th March 2004, 10:45 PM
True Stories from Tech Support

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
8O

VladTepes
29th March 2004, 08:32 AM
True OLD stories from tech support it seems...

Disks that can be rolled through typewriters...

Drive doors that can be closed...

Hit the 'any' key scenarious that predate THAT Simpsons episode...

The use of the word "Xeroxed"...

"Bads command", "invalid" that's DOS ! ...




Haven't we come a long way since all that :?: :!:

Thankfully there aren't any idiots around any more style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
3rd April 2004, 11:32 PM
Trip to the Dentist
------------------------

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you
something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.
:twisted:

bigbugga
3rd April 2004, 11:37 PM
Bill Gates gets to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy, and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here, never mind the rest of it. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colliseum where thousands of people are being chased and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful
young woman with an alluring look on her face sat across a four-poster bed, a bottle of the finest wine chilling in an ice-bucket on a table next to it, and, to Bill's delight, a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmatred the devil, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.

As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best room in the house?"

"That's what everyone thinks," sniggered Satan. "The vintage bottle of wine you see - it has holes in it. And that beautiful young lady - she doesn't."

"What about the PC?"

"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed," replied
Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt, and Delete."

bigbugga
3rd April 2004, 11:45 PM
13 Points of Life

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred Quid and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty Pence?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
video and those people are all over you. I think we should put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

bigbugga
4th April 2004, 08:54 AM
Snappy Anwers!!!





Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, &n bsp;
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets o ut of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher remi nds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. He friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde."They're watch
dogs!"

Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by ten whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

lewy110
4th April 2004, 06:33 PM
Not sure if this has been done before but I wasn't looking through 27 pages to find out


Go to Google, type in 'weapons of mass destruction'

Then hit 'I am feeling lucky'

Read the result, have a look at what is says before you hit the back button to try again.

bigbugga
4th April 2004, 09:06 PM
hehehe seen that one.

Someone has too much time on their hands :twisted:

bigbugga
14th April 2004, 09:11 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that?
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That b**ch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

bigbugga
17th April 2004, 09:24 PM
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

bigbugga
17th April 2004, 09:28 PM
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

bigbugga
18th April 2004, 10:21 PM
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY



Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

bigbugga
19th April 2004, 06:59 PM
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" 8O

one_iota
19th April 2004, 07:34 PM
Originally posted by bigbugga
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY



Virus: a nasty cold

Firewall: The thing in the ute that you cut the rust out of

Crash: After the BBQ

Upload: Put the firewood in the ute

Code: the missus shopping list

Boot: get rid of or elastic-sided footware

bigbugga
19th April 2004, 07:38 PM
I thought someone would come up with a few others style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

one_iota
19th April 2004, 07:42 PM
Originally posted by bigbugga
I thought someone would come up with a few others style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

I suspect there could be much more out there style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

SPAM: Tinned corned beef

Wallpaper: what the missus wants done next weekend

Menu: Counter lunch choices

Reboot: the first thing you do in the morning

Password: G'day

Avatar: Got a smoke?




Could rival the Macquarie Dictionary :wink:

bigbugga
19th April 2004, 07:45 PM
Could be interesting.

So who can think of a few others then?? 8)

VladTepes
20th April 2004, 03:58 PM
Profile: a metal working tool not for amateurs

FAQ: surprise or to enjoy congujal rights.

AULRO: What you do when the outboard dies.

VladTepes
20th April 2004, 04:22 PM
DUBYA TALK

"As you notice, when there's a hole in the ground and a person is able to crawl into it in a country the size of California, it means we're on a scavenger hunt for terror, and find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data. And we're on it".

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur".

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances".

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it".

"I think war is a dangerous place".

"We're fighting an enemy ... that will wear civilian uniforms...."

"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order...."

"I had a cordial meeting at that meeting last night. We greeted each other, cordially".

"My foreign policy is -- Fidel Castro is a dictator".

"My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times".
-- from the transcript of Bush's remarks to the Diet of Japan. Reported by U.S. Newswire, February 19, 2002. The White House transcript amended the statement to "half a century."

"There's one terrible pilot".
-- Sarasota, FL, September 11, 2001. Bush described his first reaction to the report that a plane hit the World Trade Center tower.

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead".

"You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on".

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame...."

More here: http://www.thedubyareport.com/quotes.html

Defender200Tdi
20th April 2004, 04:28 PM
Taken from a UK site, but funny nonetheless.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, and often found alongside the
sickle in the club banners of countries with firm ideas on government, the
hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate and dent expensive parts right
beside the object you are trying to hit. Alternately the hammer (and it's larger
cousin, the SledgeHammer or BFH) can be used to devise a way to get to visit
that cute little nurse down at the local A&E.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of the cardboard box delivered, at great expense, to your workshop; works particularly well on boxes containing fairing panels, expensive seats and/or a lone bottle of
battery acid.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until the Stupidity Police come to take you away;
it also works great for drilling mounting holes in custom fenders and through the new £300 rear tire.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and crush irreplaceable wiring loom
connectors.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course the more erratic your destiny.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used in place of a clamp to
hold things in the wrong spot while you drill bolt holes. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to assist in arc-welding your metal watch band
to the rear subframe.

OXY TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in your
garage. Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms left in
that holed fuel tank you've been soaking in water for six months. Alternately
can be used to set your hair on fire while lighting cigarettes.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching
for over the last two hours. The socket you actually wanted will appear the
moment you've rounded off the bolt.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching that flat
metal bar out of the bloody mess that was your hand so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE BENCH WHEEL/BUFFER: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
around the workshop at the speed of light miraculously smashing them straight into
what ever breakable item is either the most expensive or the hardest to
replace. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about
the time it takes you to say, "Fuuu...!"

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between the
(now) dented custom bumper and the (now) cracked alloy wheel.

2X4 TIMBER: Used for trying to lever a vehicle off an hydraulic jack. It
is quite useful for pinching holes in oil lines during this process and
concealing the fact until you have driven 50 miles from home.

TWEEZERS: A tool for pushing 2X4 wood splinters deeper into your hand.

PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your
neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast; and
for getting dog •••• off your boot. Does not require washing.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the label says.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating bulrred screws and
the futility of ever getting the timing anywhere near factory specs. Useful for
sticking in your mouth late at night and permanently traumatizing any small
child that mistakenly wanders into the workshop.

ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery
cables and oil lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

VERNIER CALIPER: A delicate and expensive levering tool that inexplicably
always perfectly fits the minuscule gap between the engine cases and the barrels
you're trying to remove.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a bike battery to the inside of your toolbox, and down the inner thigh of your
new jeans, after determining that your battery is dead just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes (and accurately)
called a drop light, it! is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin",
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same rate that
incendiary bombs might be used during, say, the first few hours of territorial
negotiations in Yugoslavia. Also useful for hooking up your chassis directly to
the national power grid.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab through the foil seal of brake
fluid containers and splash the contents liberally across your freshly-painted
fuel tank; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw
heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, by
an apprentice in Milwaukee, and either rounds them off or removes the bolt head
entirely depending on your perseverance.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the £100 chrome surround for that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p washer.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.

RAZOR KNIFE: A tool used for scratching chrome and paint after drawing blood.

TOOL BOX: A magic contraption for storing tools that only lets you find the
tool you were looking for yesterday, NEVER the one you are looking for today,
unless of course you just bought another one to get the job done. If so, when
you go to store the NEW one in your tool box you will find the OLD one sitting
right on top like a cherry on a chocolate sundae.

CIRCUIT TESTER/OHM METER: A tool used to short-circuit electrical parts.
Sometimes sending sparks into all the old oil cans sitting in the corner starting a
fire that burns down your garage, your bike, your truck, your collector's
edition Harley Davidson poker cards and even your Harley clock that goes "vroom
vroom" every hour on the hour. On the off chance that the fire trucks get there
early enough to save the bike, you still have a shorted out electrical device
that NOW has a voided warranty. I guess you'll have to go buy a new
one...with your beer money.

OPEN ENDED SPANNER: A tool designed to slip off of a nut once maximum force is
applied so that your knuckles travel at top speed when they impact sharp metal
edges. This has the added benefit of greatly increasing your ability to curse
fluently.

RING SPANNER: A tool that holds a bolt head tight enough that the open end
wrench (above) can do it's job on the nut.

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool that lets you know exactly how much force it took to twist the
head off of a bolt.

PUNCH/CHISEL: A tool designed to gently guide your fingers directly into the
path of a ball-peen hammer.

Paul style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Bushie
20th April 2004, 10:36 PM
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted Three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under
his feet, he looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their hoods;
it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one: "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me....."




Bushie

Phoenix
21st April 2004, 08:12 AM
Ooohh, thats a good one style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Knight
21st April 2004, 08:26 AM
**At the risk of offending the female population of this site :roll: , here is one for the boys**

NEW TAFE COURSES AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN IN 2004

Australian women think they already know everything, but wait; training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears ? The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting what you want without nagging.

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Introduction to Parking.

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

14. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

15. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.

16. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

17. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

18. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

19. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

20. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

21. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

22. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

23. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

24. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Cheers
Knight

bigbugga
21st April 2004, 06:21 PM
Originally posted by Knight
**At the risk of offending the female population of this site :roll: , here is one for the boys**




Being the ACTIVE female here knight You might only offend yourself.

Good to see you back in action with the funnies too :wink:

bigbugga
21st April 2004, 09:02 PM
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to LEARN that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

VladTepes
22nd April 2004, 08:18 AM
Don't confuse the two

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear. . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle


IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.


IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.


IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.


IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.


IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.


IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.


IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

Knight
22nd April 2004, 08:35 AM
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But
what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example:

1. Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see
right through them.

2. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but
it can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald, and often it's over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it -- and, of course, there's the hot air
> part.
>
5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

8. Hourglass -- Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
> and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.

Cheers
Knight

bigbugga
25th April 2004, 12:45 AM
A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"
:wink:

bigbugga
26th April 2004, 05:06 PM
http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/picnic.gif

fernockulated
26th April 2004, 05:17 PM
8O that was a waste of space!



















or was it some sort of cryptic comment???

bigbugga
26th April 2004, 08:26 PM
Damm where id it go???? 8O


Not even the comand lines left.


Hold on I will try find it.

bigbugga
26th April 2004, 08:31 PM
http://www.bizarremag.com/picture/archive/-assfragrance.jpg

VladTepes
27th April 2004, 09:15 AM
A man and woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenyl the woman reached over and cut off the mans penis. Angrily she then tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6 year old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when the penis abruptly smacked their car windshield, stuck for a momnt, then flew off.

Surprised, the young girl asked her father "What was heck was that, daddy?". Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at her tender age, the father replied "It.. it was a bug honey".

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face and after a moment said "Sure had a big penis, didn't it?!"

VladTepes
27th April 2004, 09:51 AM
Two drunk guys were driving home from the pub in their ute, when a blonde waved them down and asked for a lift. With no room in the cab, they said she'd have to sit in the back, so in she jumped and off they went.

After a while it got dark and the drunk driver missed a turn at a creek crossing, plunging the ute and its occupants into the 5 metre deep water. The ute sank to the bottom but the guys managed to get the doors open and swim to the surface and ashore.

They sat and waited in vain for the blonde to appear, and after another minute, were about to dive back down to look for her when all of a sudden she surfaced.

One of the guys asked what had happened. "I would have got here sooner" she replied "but it took me ages to get the bloody tailgate open."

VladTepes
27th April 2004, 09:56 AM
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red MX-5 when she was pulled over by a female cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see her driver's licence.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting more and more agitated. "What does it look like?" the blonde driver asked.

"It's square and it has your picture on it" the cop replied.

The driver finally found a square purse mirror, looked in it and handed it over to the cop. "Here it is" she said.

The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop".

VladTepes
28th April 2004, 01:56 PM
What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and if we don't do the laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear".


What a man hears:

"Blah blah blah blah blah C'mon, you and I blah blah blah blah blah on the floor blah blah blah right now, blah blah blah no clothes blah blah".

Knight
28th April 2004, 02:23 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee."Whats the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
why are you down here at this time of the night?"

Her husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" He asked solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily." Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car making love?"

"Yes I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued......... "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said," I would have gotten out
today "


Cheers :wink:
Knight

Knight
29th April 2004, 09:34 AM
ONE OF THE FUNNYEST JOKES ( THE END IS THE FUNNY PART BUT READ THE WHOLE THING OR YOU WONT GET IT)

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

cheers
Knight

VladTepes
29th April 2004, 04:29 PM
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
One of the funniest yet :!:

Knight
30th April 2004, 08:00 AM
> When Becks and Posh first got married Becks said, "I am putting a box

> under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
>
> In all their years of marriage, Posh had never looked. However, on
> the afternoon of their 4th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
> and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
>
> In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed
> the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
> the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box
> with such contents.
>
> That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After
> dinner, Posh could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
> saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and
> never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
> temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do

> you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
>
> Becks thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you

> deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
> empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
> again."
>
> Posh was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by
> your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it
> does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
problem."
>
> Becks thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
> their peace. A little while later Posh asked Becks, "So why do you
> have all that money in the box?"
>
> Becks answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
> took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

one_iota
30th April 2004, 11:27 AM
Originally posted by VladTepes
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
One of the funniest yet :!:

That one is too style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

bigbugga
30th April 2004, 10:19 PM
Two Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.