Joke thread 2

[Goblin]

Hope y'all don't mind a new thread. The last one had some crackers but was getting a bit long.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vetinary surgery. As she lay
her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The
distressed owner wailed,"Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is
dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet
turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
the bill. "$250!" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $35, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan...."

[bigbugga]

Dont mind a new one at all.
so here is my entry into the new funnies.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry
and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of ...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it,"

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.

Photographer - "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my god!!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult ?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement)

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your
um..equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod??

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?... ..Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Knight]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?,calls one of the nuns.
The Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the
door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

Nice tits, says the man, where do you want these blinds?


Cheers
Knight
(TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK :twisted: !!)

[bigbugga]

London,
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans..You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Phoenix]

I haven't seen that one for ages, my all time favorite style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

And we knew you would be back knight :wink: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Goblin]

Two Irish ladies in a train on the way to Belfast. Both were knitting a jump suit for the yet to be born babies.

First lady says "I hope my baby is a boy as all I have is this blue wool".

Second lady says "Well I hop mine is spastic, because I screwed up the arm-holes"....

[Knight]

Several men are in a locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN : "Hello"
WOMAN : "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN : "Yes"
MAN : "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $4 500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN : "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN : "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw their new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : "How much?"
WOMAN : "$ 460,000"
MAN : "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN : "Great! Oh, and one more thing the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.45m"
MAN : "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1,300,000."
WOMAN : "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN : "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs
to?"

(oldie but still a goodie!)

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.

Love that one!
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

>A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
>After the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest
>Porterhouse steak."
>The waiter replies: "Monsieur...what about ze mad cow ?"
>The man replies:"She'll have a salad."


Knight

[bigbugga]

A tough old cowboy was teaching his son how to live a long and prosperous
life.
he said, just add a teaspoon of gun powder to your breakfast cereal each
day, and you'll live to be 100!

So the son did.

He died at age 100, and left behind
15 children,
65 grandchildren,
118 great grandchildren, and
a 33 metre hole where the Crematorium used to be!


Thanks to Incisor for this one :wink:

[VladTepes]

Happiness


To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :


1. a friend


2. a companion


3. a lover


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master


7. a chef


8. an electrician


9. a carpenter


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic


12. a decorator


13. a stylist


14. a sexologist


15. a gynaecologist


16. a psychologist


17. a pest exterminator


18. a psychiatrist


19. a healer


20. a good listener


21. an organizer


22. a good father


23. very clean


24. sympathetic


25. athletic


26. warm


27. attentive


28. gallant


29. intelligent


30. funny


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong


34. understanding


35. tolerant


36. prudent


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous


40. determined


41. true


42. dependable


43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


44. give her compliments regularly


45. love shopping


46. be honest


47. be very rich


48. not stress her out


49. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


53. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :


1. Shag him


2. Leave him in peace

[VladTepes]

What's Male & Female

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For example...

1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while
he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Of course a female is the author of this nonsense.

[Knight]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his
talk he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand
and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"



"I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"


(Yep, an oldie, but still a goodie!!)

Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

A woman bought an area of bush in NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest peices of the property, so she decided to climb to the top of the tree to get a better view of her land.

As she neared the top, a wedge-tailed eagle attacked her. In her panic to get down the tree again, she ended up with a lot of splinters in her privates.

In considerable pain, she rushed to the nearest doctor, who listened to her story and then asked her to wait in the examining room while he prepared to deal with her.

After three hours of waiting she was pretty angry, and when the doctor eventually returned she demanded to know where he'd been.

Unperturbed, the doctor replied "I had to get permits from National Parks and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area".

[VladTepes]

A guy goes to visit a friend who is paralysed from the waist down. After talking for a while his friend says "My feet are cold, would you please pop upstairs and get my slippers?"

Of course he says "yes" and nips upstairs... where he bumps into his friends to gorgeous daughters.

He says "Hi girls. Your father just sent me up to screw you both!"

The first daughter says "That can't be true!"

"Yes it is," he replies, "I'll prove it to you"

So he yells back down the stairs "Both of them?"

To which the reply comes back "Of course both of them!"

[Knight]

A guy goes to the local council Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favour. "Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the council, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that"


Pure gold that one!

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Phoenix]

Originally posted by VladTepes
A guy goes to visit a friend who is paralysed from the waist down. After talking for a while his friend says "My feet are cold, would you please pop upstairs and get my slippers?"

Of course he says "yes" and nips upstairs... where he bumps into his friends to gorgeous daughters.

He says "Hi girls. Your father just sent me up to screw you both!"

The first daughter says "That can't be true!"

"Yes it is," he replies, "I'll prove it to you"

So he yells back down the stairs "Both of them?"

To which the reply comes back "Of course both of them!"

ROTFLMAO, I can't breathe, I can't breathe style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

absoloutely a classic style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Phoenix]

Stolen from another forum, but a real life situation, more than a joke, but hillarious none the same.

DaveW is one of the memebrs of the forum who visited TMum (who is married to Ron).


Originally posted by TMum
OOPS :!: Me and my big mouth :oops:

After meeting up with DaveW in Brissie yesterday we walked up to Ron's office to drop off Dave's luggage, a huge suitcase on wheels.

On the way back to the CBD I happened to run into Ron's boss of 10 years who asked

"What are you doing up here"

I pointed to DaveW and said "Oh, I am just spending the day in town with my boyfriend"

He looked at DaveW and looked at me, confusion written all over his face

"What has Ron said about this?" the boss asked.

I replied "Ron just said to Dave to have me back by 4.30pm"

The boss looked at DaveW for comfirmation, and DaveW, with a brilliant poker face said "Yep, that is what Ron said".




Later that afternoon Ron was leaving his office with DaveW's suitcase when he ran into his boss.

"Ron, what is with the suitcase?"

Ron, not knowing about the conversation I'd had with his boss replied,

"I am leaving home" :!: and without another word left the office.


:? :? not doubt the boss spent a confused evening wondering just what the heck is going on.

:twisted: :twisted: Ron and I had a huge laugh about it last night

:shock: And never ever try to play poker with DaveW. :!:

[One Ten]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

* Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

* Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

* Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

* Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

* Keyboard - Where you hang the bike keys

* Window - What you shut when it's cold

* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

* Byte - What mosquitoes do

* Bit - What mosquitoes did

* Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

* Chip - A bar snack

* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

* Modem - What you did to the lawns

* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's

* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

* Mainframe - What holds the shed up

* Web - What spiders make

* Web Site - The shed or under the veranda

* Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

* Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

* Upgrade - A steep hill

* Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

* Online - When you get the laundry hung out

* Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

[One Ten]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!



Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Tyrepower]

Mario the Greek is sitting on a hill over looking his village talking to his young nephew.

Saying "how come I make the best wine in the whole of Greece, yet when the people see me in the street no one says Look there is Mario the best wine maker in the whole of Greece........no"

"Also how come I build the best houses in the whole of Greece, and yet when the people see me on the street.........no one says look there is Mario the best builder in the whole of Greece.......no"

"And how come I make the best Olive's in the whole of Greece and yet when people see me on the street...........no one says look there is Mario the best Olive maker in the whole of Greece......no"

Yet they catch you making love with just one Donkey.....................

[bigbugga]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

[bigbugga]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he

doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop

takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver

[bigbugga]

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples"

[Knight]

CAKE OR BED



A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,

COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!


SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS...................................



HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.


HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME

WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,

SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO...

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!


Love it!!
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Yeah it's a good joke but there's no need to shout about it... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

sorry about that VladTepes - was the way it copied and pasted!! :roll:

(i shall edit before posting next time) :oops:

Back soon (got to edit first) :wink:

Knight
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Knight]

"Life is all about ass:
you're either
covering it, :oops:
laughing it off, style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
kicking it, :evil:
kissing it, :roll:
busting it, :x
or trying to get a piece of it." :twisted:

(and don't forget, at some point during every single day, we all have to deal with one or two)


not really that funny - but still had to share it

Cheers
Knight

[Redbak]

Two blondes walking along the beach.

One says to the other " Look !, a dead Seagull "

Blonde looks skyward and say's "Where ?"

Davo style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[VladTepes]

Redbak - style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Short and to the point. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Tyrepower]

An old retired wood cutter lives in the South West of W.A. in the timber town of Manjimup.
He is so good at his trade that even blindfolded just by sniffing an off cut of timber he can tell what type it is and where it's come from.

One night he's sitting at the bar having a few, when some out of towners decide to have some fun with him.

With the Woodsniffer blindfolded one of the gents rushes outside pulls a picket off the back fence takes it back into the pub places it under the Woodsniffers nose and waits.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, Pauses for dramatic effect and announces, " Pinus Radiartus 10- 12 years old 3 coats of Dulux Weather Shield."
Right on the money the crowd yell 100% right.

Stunned, the gent rushes out to his Jaguar Car and unscrews the Gear knob takes this inside and again places it under the nose of the blindfolded Wood Sniffer.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, Pauses for dramatic effect and announces, "Imported Oak, English by the smell with a polished Lacquer finish".
The crowd of locals roar with delight.

Getting worried, and trying to win back some pride the Townie aproaches the Barmaid and offers her $500.00 to drop her pants and lay on the bar beneath the Wood Sniffer.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, pauses.... and to the crowds amazement, sniff, sniff,sniff up and down again he goes. Finally he shakes his head and says this has him a little troubled and could they please turn the piece over. The Barmaid gently rolls over and..... Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down again goes the Woodsniffer. Finally pausing for dramatic effect he announces that this has really got him stummped. However having a stab in dark the he says..................................... "I can't tell what type of wood it is, but It's gotta be the dunny door of a prawn Trawler". 8O

[Knight]

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the " war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

:wink: Knight

[rmp]

http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/4W...Dtechnology.php (http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/4WDtechnology.php)

http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/th...onversation.php (http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/theconversation.php)

--------------------------------------------

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them
started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

--------------------------------------------

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.

--------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

--------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


>Warnings for Consultants
>
>You know it is time to get out of consulting when...
>
>1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
>2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
>3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
>4. You can spell "paradigm."
>5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
>6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
>7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
>8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with
>six other people you don't know.
>9. You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization,
>with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is
>facing ever increasing competition..."
>10. You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an
>"ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
>11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and
>"improvement opportunities."
>11. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
>12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
>13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself
>as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
>14. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and
>then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
>15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering,"
>"down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing peoples' arses."
>16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
>17. You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
>18. You enjoy using an HP-12C.
>19. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
>20. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime
>consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
>21. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
>22. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his
>desk and stared out his window..."
>23. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
>24. You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
>25. You believe CAPM.
>26. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
>27. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
>28. You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
>29. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall
>Street Journal.
>30. None of your favorite publications have cartoons
>31. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an
>expense.
>32. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your
>spouse produce another child.
>33. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting
>about their brand equity.
>34. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it
>will blow up given the day's weather conditions...
>35. ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
>36. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow
>alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down
>payment.
>37. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills
>38. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
>39. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
>Internet connection.
>40. You give constructive feedback to your dog

[/url]

[bigbugga]

A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day
when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure
enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around
the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at
it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes
back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The
penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream
will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the
summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice
cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done
he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you
find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream!"

[bigbugga]

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early
morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew
chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and
wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand
...Chunks is my dog."

[Knight]

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant. A lovely, stunning young woman glides over to their table, smiles lovingly at the husband, delivers him a seductive open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.

The wife glares at her husband, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife through clenched teeth. "I've had enough! I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband between sips of wine, "but if we divorce, that's the end of your shopping sprees to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summer get-aways in Tuscany, no more Jags in the garage and you can say goodbye to our yacht club friends . . . but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous blond
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"Oh ... that's Sasha, his mistress."

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Knight :wink:

[Knight]

> A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
> guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
> perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
> snails to serve escargot for her guests, so she asked her husband to run
> down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly
> he agreed.
>
> He took the bucket, walked out the door down the steps, and out to the
> beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
> strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He
> kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
> come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of
> a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over
> him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
> ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning
> he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
>
> He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket
> of snails and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
> apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
> that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
> snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
> then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
> he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
> then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys,
> we're almost there!"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

one of my 'all time' favorites!!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken
> is leaning against
>
> the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
> smile on its face.
>
> The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet,
> rolls over, and says
>
> "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question"


Love it!!
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

I DONT GET IT!






No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?

[rmp]

The question being; which came first, the chicken or the egg.

[incisor]

Originally posted by bigbugga
I DONT GET IT!
No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?

if i hadnt seen it with my own eyes i wouldnt have believed it!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

yea,, I know there not jokes,, but there worth a read!!!!


FBI'S BEST 12 DEATHS

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills - Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he
had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.


5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house,then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.


10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N**g**s! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by incisor+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(incisor)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
I DONT GET IT!
No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?

if i hadnt seen it with my own eyes i wouldnt have believed it![/b][/quote]

You get to see a lot around here DAD.


And RMP, :wink: thanks mate

[Knight]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when
it started to rain.

Lady 2: pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette,and continued to smoke.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way the cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day Lady 1 hobbles herself down to the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of
age,
but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

> Snappy Answer #1
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub."
>
>
>
> Snappy Answer #2
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're
dead."
>
> Snappy Answer #3
>
> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well. I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>
>
>
> Snappy Answer #4
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
>
> And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
> Snappy Answer #5
>
> THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now,
class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have
to
write the exam with your other hand."


Knight :wink:

[medic455]

BEWARE Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two good-looking blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the
house. He notices crunching under his feet and looking down, he realizes
the entire floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Suddenly there is a knock at
the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in
Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a
rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their
hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other
one, "I don't get it... I can understand the first wish, having all those
beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire. But... WHY he'd want to be hung like a black
man is beyond me!"

[medic455]

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail
Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her skirt riding up.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes." style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Originally posted by medic455
Real landrovers have leaf springs and a canvas top

Leaf springs ? D'Oh !

Canvas Top ? D'Oh !

You forgot "is shaped like a house brick on a beer slab". Mine is like that. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[medic455]

and they just keep going and going and going and going ................. :twisted: :twisted:

"You drive a Landrover with coil spring's, that is your problem" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :wink:

[bigbugga]

http://brawl-hall.com/gallery/data/media/5/happythread.jpg

[medic455]

The trials and tribulations of the human male...



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion started to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
Big deptartment store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take
so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.



Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
Because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.



I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.



Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT???!!!"



I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by medic455


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


BWWAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Classic top of the class medic :wink:

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by bigbugga
Classic top of the class medic

Yep. 1st class.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

again not a joke,, but a good laugh,,,,


This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- >you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding, a reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends............... $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion............................. $3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui........................... $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

[landrovermick]

Wife goes missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.
Husband spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,what's the bad news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathom in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her wet suit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[landrovermick]

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

[medic455]

Originally posted by landrovermick
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:















:roll: :roll: I know, sad but the first 100 aint far away style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[one_iota]

Originally posted by landrovermick
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

At first I went into Gaelic mode.

Then I realsed that I was reading the mother tongue.

I wno't bthoer wtih slepl cehck in ftuer :wink:

[bigbugga]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

[bigbugga]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,
as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

[Knight]

(one for the boys....i guess?!!)

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!!
USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you?
Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when
I am driving and you sit next to me."

:wink: Knight

[Phoenix]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif classic style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by medic455
Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Don't think I missed that now, will you :?: :!: :wink: :twisted:

[medic455]

Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-medic455
Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Don't think I missed that now, will you :?: :!: :wink: :twisted:[/b][/quote]



Wouldn't dare style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif :twisted:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well.......

>

>

>Once upon a time Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and

>finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, whom they called

>"Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

>

>When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her

>about going out and getting half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally

>mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with

>a bunch of Tater Tots.

>

>Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a

>rotten potato out of her! However, on the other hand she wasn't going to

>stay home and become a Couch potato either.

>

>Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (Potato University) so

>that when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

>

>But in spite of all they did for her, Yam came home one day and

>announced she was going to marry Eddie McGuire.

>

>Eddie McGuire!

>

>Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

>

>They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is

>just a.....

>

>

>Common Tater

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[bigbugga]

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the decease blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay? :twisted:

[medic455]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.
The answers came from a fellow Aussie.
Between brackets shows the country where the question came from.

===============================================

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
---
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
---
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water with you.
---
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
---
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
---
6. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
---
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
---
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
---
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
---
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
---
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink !
---
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
---
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
---
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
---
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
---
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them !
---
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
---
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
---
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
---
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
---
21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.




8O 8O 8O 8O :? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

Hey All,
Hopefully this one doesnt offend anyone 8O .....Sorry if it does :roll: (well, sort of... :twisted: )


Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(__)(__) A "wide load" ass

(!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass

{_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_Lame_) Lame ass

(_jack_) Jackass

(_-$_) Cheap ass

(_0_) A Prison ass

(_) Half ass

(®^®) Registered ass

(__|___) Lop sided ass

(_:_) 2 holed ass

(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

()() Ass print on a window

( * * ) Ass with dimples

(_X X_) A kicked ass

(_%_) An average ass

(_$_) A rich ass

[_!_] A hard ass


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Homer Simpson's greatest quotes

1 - You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.


2 - With $10,000, we can be millionaires!


3 - Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot
bees at you?


4 - I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please
Superman, help me!


5 - Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.


6 - Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's
even remotely true.


7 - Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos.


8 - Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.


9 - I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!


10 - Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a
blender.


11- Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals. Except the weasel.


12 - There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!


13 - Note to self. Stop doing anything.


14 - Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

[VladTepes]

You wouldn't call it a joke, per se, but it's funny and a hell of a lot of fun....


Move your mouse from left to right to keep the drunk guy upright.


http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

[Knight]

(sorry if i've posted this one already :roll: )

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Yep.

On the previous page. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were
pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."


Knight

[incisor]

sigh...

poor poor patrick...

[incisor]

http://www.intellitron.com.au/images/Ikea_1.jpg

who said men cant multitask!

[VladTepes]

Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate about everybody"


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.



3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?



4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?



5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.



6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.



8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?



9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?



10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?



11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.



12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.



13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.



14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[VladTepes]

A cowboy rose into town one fine day, tied his horse up out the front of the saloon and went inside for a whiskey.

Several hours later he left the bar and returned to his horse, only to find its balls painted orange.

Filled with rage he ran back inside and yelled; “Who’s the f***in’ dirty, low-life **** who painted my horse’s balls?”

The bar was completely silent then suddenly a cowboy built like a brick **** house stood up and said: “I did, why?”

“Oh, I just came to tell ya that the first coats dry”, the first cowboy said.

[VladTepes]

Dave walked into his parent’s bedroom and found his mother and father on the bed naked and rooting.
“What are you doing?” Dave asked.
“I’m trumping Mum’s Ace!” Dad replied.
“Oh”, said Dave and walked out scratching his head.
He went down the hallway and into his sister’s room, where she and her boyfriend were rooting naked on the bed.
“What are you doing, sis?” Dave said.
“We’re following suit!” she answered.
“Oh”, Dave said and once again left scratching his head again.
Half an hour later, Dad finds Dave in the barn, laying back on the hay and having a go at his old fella.
“What the falmin’ hell do you think you’re doing!?”
“Well”, said Dave. “You were trumping Mum’s Ace, sis was following suit, so I got a full hand and I’m going alone!”

[VladTepes]

Little Johhny was busily making rude sandcastles in the sand pit when his mother came out.
“Come on Johnny”, she said. “Off to the toilet you go, hurry up!”
“Oh, mum”, Johnny pleaded. “I want Grandma! I want Grandma!”
“What’s so special about your grandmother?” his mum asked.
“Her hand shakes”, Johnny grinned.

[VladTepes]

Little Girl: “Mummy, mummy! Dad just shot my kitten!”

Mother: “Never mind, sweetie, Perhaps he had to do it.”

Little Girl: “No, he didn’t. He said I could do it.”

[Knight]

The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to he bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few moments later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in
amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a
few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped
up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its
beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped
down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry
Ma'am, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
Knight :!:
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
Classic

I love it.

[Saintmud]

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
=========
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said," Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
==========
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Interesting," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's upstairs?"

Third floor
=========
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" exclaimed the women,
"Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And up they went.

Fourth floor
==========
This door had a sign saying
"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me!!! But just think - what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor
=========
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

[Saintmud]

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on
her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quite voice,

"I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck"

[VladTepes]

http://www.aulro.com/albums/Vlads-other-photos/c5.jpg

[VladTepes]

http://www.aulro.com/albums/Vlads-other-photos/TheBuffaloTheory.jpg

[Knight]

I'll drink to that one Vlads........Nice One!! 8)

That would explain why i am SO good at playing pool when i'm sloshed!

Cheers...(and yep, drink up)
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Go here:

http://www.aulro.com/modules.php'set_album...=view_album.php (http://www.aulro.com/modules.php'set_albumName=Vlads-other-photos&op=modload&name=gallery&file=index&include=view_album.php)

and click on the video titled "stupid dog"

[Phoenix]

I just love that video 8)

[Redbak]

Kids ....

A farther was packing for his business trip, his 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before he rushed out of the room again.

When he returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. he said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" :?:

Davo

[Redbak]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of
a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided
he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16
and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half
wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new
hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache!"

8O

Davo

[Redbak]

Wive uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off).

That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but its hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Davo :wink:

[Knight]

It was opening night at the Palace Theater and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

****!" said the hypnotist. ..........

It is reported that it took three weeks to clean up the entire theater.


(think about it....)

Cheers
Knight

[VladTepes]

I didn't need to think about it.
It's obviously on my level. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

PARENTAL WARNING: A Bit Rude... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif


Clean your computer monitor from the inside:

http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/cia...iagnijcycka.swf (http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf)

[Knight]

Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
is
permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the
following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be
legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your
family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24
hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you
actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge
is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a
birthday present for another man. In fact,
even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit
stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a
sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you
have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under
the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's
officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and
it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril
are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.
Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch
sports" must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game (can
explain offside or LBW) and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last
beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both
that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his
six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in
discussing a mate of yours, except if she's
withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to
another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless
you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation
with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was
formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken
monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her
car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours
of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question
"What do you want for Christmas?" with
"If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice
Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever


(it was a long list - but worth it!)

Cheers
Knight

[incisor]

True Story...
by Unknown

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the IDIOT that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!"

[Knight]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you" he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"





(Scroll down......)












"These are the six pallbearers for your dead pussy!!!!" 8O 8O

i know it's a bit rude :oops: .....but how funny is it! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Knight



i know it's a bit rude :oops: .....but how funny is it! :lol:

:wink:


I am shocked.

Smiling but shocked.

Do it to me again Knight lady :wink:

[Knight]

not a joke - but quite funny!!

It is called <span style="color:red">Anger Management</span> :evil:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ass hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ass hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"whens a good time to catch you Don?"

"Im home every day after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an ass hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Ass hole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an ass hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Ass hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole."
Then I called Ass hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, ass hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are.."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"> NOW, I feel better </span>

Anger management at it's very best!!

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

How D-Day might be reported today

(Not intended to offend anybody. Unless they are French, of course :wink: )


June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY-

Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded
today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.

Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise
said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high.

"We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction.

A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought, " said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."

Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French
government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's
beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb."

Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years.

Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans.

Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called "concentration camps" has
been rumored but so far, remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said.

"It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up."

[VladTepes]

read the narrative for the item

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?viewI...286139&category (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?viewItem&item=2389286139&category)

[VladTepes]

Don't like sharks ? You are not alone:

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/shark...grimreaper.html (http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/sharkweek/email/grimreaper.html)

[VladTepes]

This is also how Incisor runs his IT business.

The Union will be around any time Incy, watch out. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

http://www.best-marketing-tools.com/lego/lego.html

[incisor]

some people have WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to much time on their hands style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Knight]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.. he knew better.
>
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
>
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Cheers
Knight
(Obviously with too much time on my hands today! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :wink: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif )

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/ezpds1027081.jpg
makes you think twice about going sailing! 8O

[fernockulated]

and on a similar topic,
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/Sharks8.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/day-at-the-beach125.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/Goldfish6.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/Birds3.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/Chickens4.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/Package7.jpg

[one_iota]

A lazy day in the Whitsundays and a glass or two of shar-don-ay with lobster, a siesta and [url=http://www.jawsmovie.com/jsounds/jaws2.aiff] <span style="color:red">wam</span>

8O

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image002.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image003.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image004.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image005.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image006.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image007.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image008.jpg

[fernockulated]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/fernockulated/image009.jpg

[fernockulated]

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[fernockulated]

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[[size=18]color=blue]and dont forget to smile,[/color]
[size=24]<span style="color:green">have a good day!</span>

[Knight]

Bubba and Billy Bob were sitting on the tailgates of their pick-ups shooting the breeze.
Bubba asks Billy Bob, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Billy Bob scratched his head for a bit then said, "No, just even."


I'm ba..a..a..a..a..a..a..a..a..ck!
- Complete sympathy to anyone getting this nasty virus going around!!

Cheers
Knight

[Tyrepower]

Little Monkey sitting in a tree, when a big Rino walks up and asks " What you doing Monkey"
Monkey says "Sitting up here picking my arse, scratching for fleas and waiting for the Lion to come by!........... "
Rino says "What you going to do then monkey......... "
Monkey says " I'm going to jump out of this tree, Twist his tail, pull his wiskers and kick him in the nuts so hard he spews blood for a week........
Rino says 'phew good luck Monkey, thats a big call"
Little while later Girrafe comes past, spots the Monkey in the tree and asks "what you doing Monkey".....
Monkey says, "Sitting in the tree, picking my arse,scratching for fleas and waiting for the Lion to come by.
Girrafe says "what you going to do then Monkey"
Monkey says "I'm going to jump out of this tree, twist his tail, pull his wiskers and kick him in the nuts so hard he spews blood for a week".....
Girrafe says "Phew good luck Monkey,thats a pretty big call!"
Little while later the big Lion comes by , spots the Monkey in the tree and asks "What you doing Monkey"
Monkey says " Sittting in the tree, picking my arse, scratching for fleas, telling lies...................."

[Knight]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and
her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

:wink:
Knight

[Tyrepower]

An old drunk wanders into an Auditorium hosting a Convention on the Supernatual and Ghosts. He takes a seat at the back and sits down.
The speaker is all excited, and asks the audience to put up their hands if anyone present has had an encounter with a Ghost.
Most of the people present raise their hands.
The speaker next asks the crowd to be a little more specific and raise their hands if they have actually had some form of interaction with a Ghost. Not so many raise their hands this time
The speaker next asks the crowd if any one present has actualy had a sexual experience with a Ghost.......... The old drunk sittting at the back has had his hand up the whole time, and looking around sees he is the only one with his hand still up.
Spotting this, the speaker becomes very excited and implores the man to come up to the front of the stage.
Slowly the drunk gets to his feet and makes his way to the front.
Once he takes his place beside the speaker. The speaker in a loud voice tells the drunk, to tell the people of his sexual experience he had with a Ghost.
The drunk looks shocked and says "Ghost........ sorry I thought you said Goat."

[Knight]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">Redneck 911 Call</span>

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!


:roll: :roll:


The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

:wink: Knight

[Tyrepower]

Teacher at school giving the kids a Biology lesson, with a big ginger Tom as the subject.
Todays lesson is can anyone tell me how the cats tail is connected to its body.
Little Mary puts her hand up and suggests that it's glued on......
Teacher says wrong anyone else?
Little Sue puts her hand up and says perhaps it's sewn on.
Teacher says wrong again. Anyone else?
Little Johnny puts his hand up, marches to the front of the class, lifts the cat up by the tail, and announces to the class.......... judging by the size of these nuts I would say it's bolted on.

[VladTepes]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful his flatmate, Julie, was.
Watching them interact, she became sure there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but we're just flatmates".
A week later, Julie said to John "Ever since your mother came over, I haven't been able to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
John said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write a letter to mum".
So he writes "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you took the gravy ladle from my house but the fact is its been missing since you were here for dinner."
His mother replied " Dear John, I'm not saying you sleep with Julie, but if she were sleeping in her own bed she'd have found the gravy ladle by now."

[VladTepes]

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies "Things are going great. We've got air conditioning, and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God says "What?! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have got down there. Send him up to me."
Satan replies "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."
God says "Send him back up here, or I'll sue you."
Satan laughs and answers "Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

[VladTepes]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

Guaranteed. 'Yeah right!' he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me!'

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, 'I like the way this company does business!' The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'

He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

[VladTepes]

A cracker :!: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Click on the link and it will open in media player...

http://www.lachnu.nl/grog/content/filmpjes...s/cowboymey.asf (http://www.lachnu.nl/grog/content/filmpjes/cowboymey.asf)

[bigbugga]

Gee vlad, anyone would think you are trying to build up your count. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she
bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has
noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as
she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we
help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** yourself
when you hear the price."

[bigbugga]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Knight]

KERMIT THE FROG!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?) :roll: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Sky-West Airlines from Perth to Broome in the North of Western Australia.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"


The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.


So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"


The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"


The little boy admitted that she did.


"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Sky-West Airlines always pulls out on time.


Now, let your mother explain that to you."

[VladTepes]

Why Men Are Just Happier People (written by a woman)

> · Your last name stays put.
> · The garage is all yours.
> · Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> · Chocolate is just another snack.
> · You can be president.
> · You can never be pregnant.
> · You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
> · You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
> · Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> · The world is your urinal.
> · You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
> · You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
> · Same work, more pay.
> · Wrinkles add character.
> · Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
> · People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
> · The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> · New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> · One mood -- all the time.
> · Phone conversations are over in 30 second s flat.
> · You know stuff about tanks.
> · A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> · You can open all your own jars.
> · You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> · If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
> · Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
> · Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> · You almost never have strap problems in public.
> · You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> · Everything on your face stays its original color.
> · The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
> · You only have to shave your face and neck.
> · You can play with toys all your life.
> · Your belly usually hides your big hips.
> · One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
> · You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
> · You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
> · You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
> - You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


> No wonder men are happier!

[Tyrepower]

A policeman is in a morgue finishing off some paperwork when he
sees *a naked body lying face down on a table. Upon further inspection he notices a cork stuck in the body's anus. Curiosity gets the better of him and he removes the cork. All of a sudden the policeman hears "good old Collingwood for ever", so he quickly replaces the cork and rushes to find the morgue attendant. When he finds him he takes him to the body and instructs the attendant to remove the cork. The attendant, looking a little puzzled, removes the cork and suddenly "Good old Collingwood for ever" can be heard once more. The policeman asks the attendant if he has ever experienced anything like this before. The attendant looks at the policeman in surprise and says to him "Of course I have! Thousands of ars*holes sing that song!"

[VladTepes]

Tyrepower: I saw that coming, and I still laughed.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Tyrepower]

Hey Vlad if you liked that one how's this. It's always been a favorite of mine having grown up in Kalgoorlie.
Cheers Tyrepower

Little boy walks to school every morning past the “red light area” of his suburb.
And every morning one of the girls is sitting out side after a hard night.
Upon seeing the little boy every morning she gives him a wave sticks her little finger in the air wriggles it around and says “good morning little boy”
This goes on day in day out every week, each time she spots him same thing. Gives a wave then sticks her little finger up wriggles it about and says ‘good morning little boy”
Finally curiosity gets the better of him. One morning he asks…………”Hey lady how come every time you see me you wave hello then stick your little finger in the air wriggle it about and say “good morning little boy”
The lady laughs, looks down at his crotch and says “Well little boy isn’t that about the size of it”
The little boy gives her a look of disgust and walks of.
Next morning on his way past the lady. Same thing, she spots him, waves, sticks her little finger in the air and calls out “good morning little boy”
The little boy quick as a flash puts his fingers into the corners of his mouth and pulls his lips as far as he can and calls back “ Good morning lady”

[VladTepes]

What :?: Are you implying those miners can be a crass lot :?: 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Yeah, not bad.

[Tyrepower]

Not crass just horny.................. :wink: :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

>A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
>>
>> He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
>> Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of


>> nature through such innocent eyes.
>>
>> Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
>>
>> He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
>> attention.
>>
>> He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
>>
>> "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
>>
>> "They're mating," her father replied.
>>
>> "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
>>
>> "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
>>
>> "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
>>
>> As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
>> he
>> replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
>>
>> The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
>> took her foot and stomped them flat.
>>
>> "Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden" she said

[fernockulated]

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_72.gif

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by fernockulated
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_72.gif

http://brawl-hall.com/gallery/data/media/5/impressed.jpg

[bigbugga]

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Brain Cramps

If you are feeling dumb today, READ THIS...

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with all
those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your
life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the
Federal Anti-smoking Campaign

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96; &#96;&#96;

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in
the country."
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the
President."
-- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96; &#96;&#96;

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm
just the one to do it."
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in
our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like
Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Former U.S. President Bill Clinton

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we
received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is
a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman

&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;&#96;

..Feeling smarter yet? I THOUGHT SO!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Laurie in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a Nigel below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

Nigel, below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said Laurie. "I am," replied Nigel, "How did you know?" "Well," answered Laurie, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

Nigel responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied Laurie, "but how did you know?" "Well," said Nigel, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[VladTepes]

http://www.aulro.com/albums/Vlads-other-photos/smock1.jpg

[VladTepes]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded as the result of a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning islands, the following
things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because
the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[Knight]

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing black & white All Black jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark&#96;s side. The other two reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semiconscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."
When the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said "he may have access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know diddly squat about shark fishing......is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

I don't think I've posted this one before.
Please don't take offence (or any other sort of boundary marker).


NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2003

GOING FOR A Mc****
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mc**** with
Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pi$$ in the pub, usual ly after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you
wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour
out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an o verweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR AR$ETRONAUT
A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g.
"I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

[medic455]

Originally posted by Knight
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing black & white All Black jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark&#96;s side. The other two reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semiconscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."
When the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said "he may have access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know diddly squat about shark fishing......is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:


style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif ............... :roll: 8)

[one_iota]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Pearls Vlad,

Just hope I can remember half of those after a few Nelsons

[bigbugga]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

[bigbugga]

Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by bigbugga
A woman... goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.

Yeah right :roll:

You wish :!:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
A woman... goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.

Yeah right :roll:

You wish :!:[/b][/quote]

Was wondering who would spot that style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Pedro_The_Swift]

New PBS Drugs For Women
> >
> >
> >D A M N I T O L
> >
> >Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
> >for up to 8 full hours.
> >
> >
> >ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> >
> >Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
> >rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
> >
> >
> >E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> >
> >Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
> >loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were
> >as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.
> >
> >
> >P E P T O B I M B O
> >
> >Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
> >cups swallowed before an evening out increases
> >breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

> >
> >
> >D U M B E R O L
> >
> >When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
> >low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup
trucks.
> >
> >
> >F L I P I T O R
> >
> >Increases life expectancy of commuters by
> >controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

> >
> >
> >M E N I C I L L I N
> >
> >Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
> >resistance to such lethal lines as: "You make me
> >want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
> >
> >
> >B U Y A G R A
> >
> >Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
> >Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of
> >spending spree.
> >
> >
> >J A C K A S S P I R I N
> >
> >Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
> >remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
> >
> >
> >A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> >
> >A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
> >anyone too eager to share their life stories with
> >total strangers in elevators.
> >
> >
> >N A G A M E T
> >
> >When administered to a husband, provides the same
> >irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving
> >the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
> >
> >Call your pharmacist now!

[bigbugga]

Rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

[Knight]

Oh, BB - that last one - Brilliant!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Here's one from me......

Apparently, these are actual complaints from UK tenants to their
landlords!!!


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers!

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and
not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif BB and Knight.

[Knight]

**Please dont take offence**

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead! 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

No offence taken. (Too busy ROFLMAO) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Knight]

(Sorry for this being in capitals! - i am not yelling, i'm just too lazy to change this whole joke to lower case.......)

"THE RAISE"

I, THE PENIS, HEREBY REQUEST A RAISE IN SALARY FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

I DO PHYSICAL LABOR.
I WORK AT GREAT DEPTHS.
I PLUNGE HEAD FIRST INTO EVERYTHING I DO.
I DO NOT GET WEEKENDS OFF OR PUBLIC HOLIDAYS.
I WORK IN A DAMP ENVIRONMENT.
I DON'T GET PAID OVERTIME.
I WORK IN A DARK PLACE THAT HAS POOR VENTILATION.
I WORK IN HIGH TEMPERATURES.
MY WORK EXPOSES ME TO CONTAGIOUS DISEASES.



DEAR PENIS,

AFTER ASSESSING YOUR REQUEST, AND CONSIDERING THE ARGUMENTS YOU HAVE RAISED, THE ADMINISTRATION REJECTS YOUR REQUEST FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

YOU DO NOT WORK 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.
YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE JOB AFTER BRIEF WORK PERIODS.
YOU DO NOT ALWAYS FOLLOW THE ORDERS OF THE MANAGEMENT TEAM.
YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION, AND OFTEN VISIT OTHER AREAS.
YOU DO NOT TAKE INITIATIVE-YOU NEED TO BE PRESSURED AND STIMULATED IN ORDER
TO START WORKING.
YOU LEAVE THE WORKPLACE RATHER MESSY AT THE END OF YOUR SHIFT.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS OBSERVE NECESSARY SAFETY REGULATIONS, SUCH AS WEARING THE CORRECT PROTECTIVE CLOTHING.
YOU'LL RETIRE WELL BEFORE REACHING 65.
YOU'RE UNABLE TO WORK DOUBLE SHIFTS.
YOU SOMETIMES LEAVE YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE DAY'S WORK.

AND IF THAT WERE NOT ALL, YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN CONSTANTLY ENTERING AND LEAVING THE WORKPLACE CARRYING 2 SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BAGS.

SINCERELY;
THE MANAGEMENT

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Knight




YOU DO NOT WORK 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.

:

I think there would be a work place safty issue with this one.

Friction burns
Possiable fire risk (rubbing=heat)
RSI

:twisted:

[VladTepes]

Windows RG (Really Good Edition)

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/winrg.php

Heaps of fun going through all the options and things. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Pedro_The_Swift]

RG could be XP's brother,,,,

[Knight]

The Lawyer

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer
comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before
speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five
minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any
questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my
beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's with the
panel beater it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams.

"Where's my Rolex?" 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[VladTepes]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. (or so the story goes :wink: )

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

sounds like a Roadrunner Coyote cartoon!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Expat]

http://ircimages.com/popup/ircimages/0/3/03867c468575a3646cf6d6ce5a8b640b.jpg


This scares me......



If you cant view the pic....heres the link...... http://ircimages.com/popup/ircimages/0/3/0...6ce5a8b640b.jpg (http://ircimages.com/popup/ircimages/0/3/03867c468575a3646cf6d6ce5a8b640b.jpg)

[bigbugga]

Ok now thats scary 8O



A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[Knight]

Second, Third AND Forth that one!! - That pic scares me too!! 8O

Anyways, Here's another one to make you laugh style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

The Camel


A new Marine Captain was assigned to a company in
a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel
hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
First Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well,
sir," he nervously reply, "as you know, there
are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes
the men have ....... urges. That's why we have
the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone
this, but I understand about urges, so the camel
can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a
real problem with his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain
stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild
sex with the camel.When he is done, he asks the
First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh . . . no sir," the First Sergeant
replies. "They usually just ride the camel into
town where the girls are..."
8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
> She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
> She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
> She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly,
and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe,
well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
> "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
> Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him.
He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly,
the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
> him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
> Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
> The biker answers, "I'm Cess." 8O 8O

Loved that one (oldie, but still a goodie)
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.

I told her to **** off.

God bless you.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson

[VladTepes]

Two men are driving through Ipswich Qld when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".

The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that **** with me!"

[one_iota]

The meaning of life explained:

Now it all makes sense

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give
you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks or
twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take
my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and he
ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;

and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at
everybody.

Life has now been explained

NOW IT MAKES SENSE!!!!!

[bigbugga]

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, 'Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.' So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. 'How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?' the man asks himself. 'I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,' the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. 'The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,' the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, 'Hmm, it looks fine.'

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, 'What's that noise?'

[Knight]

FINALLY -- A DUMB BLONDE JOKE FOR BLONDES .....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A
Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I
hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the
dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers
and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed......

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!


and one more good one!


A Fairy told a married couple:
"For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will
give you each a wish" "I want to travel around the world with my
dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra, two tickets
appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said,
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The
Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......'abracadabra!'...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be b*stards. But Fairies are....................Female

LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

[bigbugga]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2004, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $5000,000.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2004 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $5000,000.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 400 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 400 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy."
"How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes.
Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[Tyrepower]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of cos lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

An oldie but a goodie. Tyrepower :-)

[Knight]

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.


CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

BB that's a great joke.
Award yourself a gold star.....
Oh, hang on.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[one_iota]

Originally posted by VladTepes
BB that's a great joke.
Award yourself a gold star.....
Oh, hang on.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Yeah talk about being kept in suspenders.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

mental image of BB in suspenders trying force its way into my conscience

must resist,,,

must resist,,

must ,,


resist,,


eeerrgghhhh,,,,, 8O

[Pedro_The_Swift]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[incisor]

Three Wishes.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks it into the woods on the side of the
fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets
up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks
how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.
the leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
is your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[bigbugga]

GENIE GRANTS WISHES TO GOLFER'S WIFE
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO ****. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[VladTepes]

Tragedy

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he ends up in one of the classrooms where the class is in the middle of a discussion relating to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a shool bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush's eyes search the room and he asks, "Isn't there somebody here who can give mean example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If "Air Force One" carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims George W., "that's right, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Knight]

VladTepes!!

RLOL!! - Way too funny! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Top joke!

Knight :wink:

[Knight]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!"
8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Love that one!
Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

Two blondes are in thinking of taking a holiday.

One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other.... "Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other blonde replies:
"HELLOOOOO!!!!!!
Can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

[Tyrepower]

Male vs Female


1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.


If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.


4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



6 . FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


7 . SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


8 . MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


9 . DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.


A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


1 0. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.


Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


1 1 . OFFSPRING

Ah, children.


A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


12 . THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.


#12 Thats my life........ style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Tyrepower

[Tyrepower]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack
asses,
and
pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws


Mmmmmmmm, please don't tell my lady......Tyrepower style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[medic455]

Originally posted by Knight
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!"
8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Love that one!
Cheers
Knight :wink:

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: "OI" whats your game then, you have got the character's in that joke back to front (Its been round for age's and everyone knows it was an Aussie sheep station owner sitting patting his dog style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Tyrepower]

Homer is the MAN!!!!!


Subject: Homer..
If you love Homer Simpson...
Quotes from the most wise of all television Characters Homer's quotes
we can all use for everyday occurrences.......

1. You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.

2. With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

3. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees
at you?

4. I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there,
please Superman, help me!

5. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

6. Facts are meaningless. You couldn't use facts to prove anything
that's even remotely true.

7. Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and
eskimos.

8. Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another
begins.

9. I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

10. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a
blender.

11. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals. Except the weasel.

12. There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

13. Note to self. Stop doing anything.

14. I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

15. Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

16. If a women says "Nothing is wrong".... Something is wrong. If a women says "Something is wrong".... You better believe something is wrong. If a women says "That's not funny" you better not laugh your ass off!!!!

:twisted: 4 and 16 are my favorites style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif . I have fallen victim to 16 a few times. Women have a different view of what constitutes funny to what beer fuelled men find funny :twisted: :twisted: Tyrepower.

[Knight]

One for the boys.....

True Story

Bloody scientists

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference
announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist
outside and kicked the sh*t out of him. :twisted:

but wait, there's more......

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account!"

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

[bigbugga]

http://www.****edupjokes.com/files/picture/53344285.jpg

[VladTepes]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it.....

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.

[Knight]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the
other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked,
"You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However,
one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads No. After the boss had left, the
leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
Directors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and
eat someone important"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

Some of you Queenslanders may have trouble understanding some of these....... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: An Elevator is sort of like a cupboard that moves up and down in big buildings, so you don't have to use the stairs... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1 When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2 Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.

3 Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4 Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know
what floor you're on.

5 Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After
a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6 Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "that's mine!"

7 Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator

8 Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9 Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10 Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
they hear something ticking.

11 Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures
and exits with the passengers.

12 Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13 Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14 When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't
panic, they open up again."

15 Swat at flies that don't exist.

16 Tell people that you can see their aura

17 Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18 Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19 Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"

20 Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

21 Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22 Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23 Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25 Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have clean underpants on."

26 Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27 Fart loudly then exclaim "Not I said the wolf. There's no way I
could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."

28 Jump up and down then look at the floor and shout " let go you
bastard "

29 Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say
"beat you again Mr Elevator."

30 Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the
walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's
direction

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Tyrepower]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN



1. If you think your fat you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.



2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. What’s the big issue?



3. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.



4. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair all short, and by then you’re stuck with her.



5. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!



6. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.



7. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, motor bikes, or football.



8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or changing of the tides. Let it be.



9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way. No, we don’t want to go to the shop with you.



10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Throwing things is worse



15. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!



16. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.



17. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.



18. Most guys own three pair of shoes!! What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?



19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



21. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.



23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.



24. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.



25. If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



26. Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic. And we’re just checking her out, not comparing you to her or trying to get her phone number.



27. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.



28. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.



29. All men see in 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.



30.If it itches, it will be scratched.



31. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.



32. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing, “we will act like nothing’s wrong. WE know you’re lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.



This should be laminated and stuck on every fridge in every home were men try to live with women. We could then refer them to the relevant numbr at times of duress. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[one_iota]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Tyrepower wrote:

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>This should be laminated and stuck on every fridge in every home were men try to live with women. We could then refer them to the relevant numbr at times of duress. [/b][/quote]

And for those men who live without them as a reminder of why they've chosen a peaceful existence. :wink:

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replied" Can't talk right now I 'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Frank sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised, she shouts "Frank what are you doing!? "
To which Frank replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago". 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

During a trial in a Southern small town ,prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was -a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Bumper Stickers

Mafia staff car.

My other TARDIS is a police box.

This car is insured by the maffia. You hit me, they hit you.

My wife's other car is a broom.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.

Yeah - it stinks and is giving you a headache: it's a diesel

This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!

My karma ran over your dogma.

I don't brake for pedestrians.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Don't Drink and Drive, You might spill some.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Caution! Driver's applying make-up.

CAUTION : Driver Singing.

The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere.

Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!

It was only a lane change!

I drive this way just to **** you off.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.

Caution. I swerve and hit people at random.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Lost your cat? Look under my tires

<----Passing Side / Suicide---->

Hang up and drive. I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your arse?

Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?

Unless you are a Haemmoroid, get off my ass!

If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!

I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!

I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada

If you can read this, you're to close. (Written in braille)

If you can read this, you're in phaser range

Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif One for the REMLR boys.

Do Not Tailgate, Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!

I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!

If you come any closer, I'll eat you.

You're not my bitch so get off my ass.

Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.

I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

I like cats, they taste just like chicken.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Cat... the other white meat.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Honk if parts fall off!

Hit me, I need money

Archeologists will date any old thing

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

No radio. Already stolen.

Nonconformists are all alike.

The more people I know, the more I love my dog.

A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.

[VladTepes]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">How Dogs and Men Are the Same </span>
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.



<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">How Dogs Are Better Than Men</span>
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

[VladTepes]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU OWN A LANDROVER ?

* When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk.
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
* When you dream of burned Lucas electrics when your wife smokes a cigarette in bed
* If 10 lbs of of prime top soil fall on the tarmac when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Sydney.
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's union shop
* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the 'Roadworthy' mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When you find a gas evaporator between salt and pepper in the kitchen
* When a Russian women observes 'these are not women's hands' and someone adds 'just don't ask her what she has been repairing this time...'
* When your friends steal imperial sockets for you as a wedding present
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it!
* You can't decide whether to park on a hill in case your starter fails or on the flat in case your handbrake fails.
* You put your coat on as you get INTO your car.
* You keep degreaser in the shower.
* When you borrow your Mums Hyundai it feels like a sports car.
* You get lent to elderly relatives and their friends to get the compost from the garden centre. Two tonnes at a time.
* Your friends all want to ride in your car if you're going less than three miles. If you're travelling more than three miles, they volunteer to walk.
* Your mates laugh at your car until theirs needs pulling out of a ditch.
* While driving, you frequently turn down the volume of the stereo .... to check for new noises
* You stop at a petrol station to top up oil and to check the petrol level
* Your washing machine never gets unemployed
* Your favourite books are the parts catalogue and the repair manual
* The wife says its me or that thing, she takes one look at you, and packs.
* You can trust your husband: If he stays out all night long it's because he's stuck in the forest and not because of another woman
* When you don't worry when your hubby says he takes out the Landy for half an hour and he doesn't come back all night long
* When you are buying dark nail varnish only to hide away black marks under the finger nails
* When you ask for "Epsom Green" when buying nail varnish
* When your living room looks like a scrap-yard
* When your dishwasher dies because of engine oil sediments
* Sales reps in nice shiny sedans laugh derisively, until it snows
* police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket
* people in VW camper vans follow you so they can watch someone else break down
* everyone in the landy dealer knows you by name
* you have bulk discounts at the landy dealer parts counter
* When the men at the Landy repair place know you better than your wife.
* Other motorists laugh at your attempt at a 3 point turn in your Series 3 Land Rover.

[VladTepes]

A poor farmer has three sheep and one old Ram. As the three sheep are not conceiving the farmer calls in the vet.

Well, you have three options says the vet,a new ram or artificial insemination. "Sounds too costly" said the farmer, "but you said three options?"

"Yes," said the vet, "do it yourself."

The farmer was aghast

"How will I know if it works?"

"Well," said the vet "if they roll around in the mud the morning after you have made love to them then they are not pregnant, however if they roll around in the hay, they are pregnant."

So, the next day the farmer takes the three sheep in his land rover and does the business.

Next morning he calls to his wife "What are the sheep doing love?"

"They are rolling in the mud Jack."

So with a heavy heart he takes the three sheep in his land rover and once again does the business.

Next moring "What are the sheep doing love"

Suspiciuosly she says "They are rolling in the mud jack."

By now exhausted he puts the sheep in to the land rover and does the business.
Next morning "What are the sheep doing love?"

"Well this is very strange," she answers. "Two of them are in the back of the Land Rover and the other one is pipping the horn!!"

[bigbugga]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ! tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Knight]

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of cock fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said "That's not what I ! mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Thought For The Day :!:


Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat,

Marlboro if you get cancer,

but you can't sue Smirnoff or XXXX

for all the ugly people you slept with?

[incisor]

just walk away dave!

i must be nicer to vlad,

i must be nicer to vl................

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by incisor
i must be nicer to vlad,
i must be nicer to vl................

Another joke, surely :?: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[incisor]

Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-incisor
i must be nicer to vlad,
i must be nicer to vl................

Another joke, surely :?: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/b][/quote]

not really

i was very well behaved...

first gate i havent walked thru in weeks....

[Knight]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean
up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" 8O

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.



Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."



"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.



The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"



The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"

[Tyrepower]

The following was writen by some Bra Burning Feminist for her SNAG limp d@#k man "companion"..... I know it dosn't apply to any of you testosterone charged 4x4 driving real men. Bring back the SAM I say


New Evening classes for men! All are welcome!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept

a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on
registration.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Toilet Paper: Do they grow on the roller?
Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor, Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: do they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves? Debate among panel of experts.

5. Loss of virility: losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health Watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Living with adults: basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. Remembering Birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. Getting over it. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counsellors available.

[Tyrepower]

Moving to Sydney


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are your doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year".

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their
minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[medic455]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


:evil: :evil: :evil: .......OH reeeeaaaaallllly...... :? :? :? :? :?


























......just remember...............



















.....I know where you live...... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by medic455+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(medic455)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


.....I know where you live...... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:[/b][/quote]


Hmm I think we hit a sensitive spot.






your not really a sheep are you Medic??

[Bushie]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any" The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear.

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers-- why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot,mon,woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford
any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit."


Bushie

[one_iota]

Olympic Commentry Gaffs:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[medic455]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by medic455@
<!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


.....I know where you live...... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Hmm I think we hit a sensitive spot.


your not really a sheep are you Medic??[/b][/quote]



The only good sheep is one with chrispy brown skin, served with rich gravy, mint sauce, roast spuds, fresh beans, fresh baby peas and a six pack of cold XXXX stubbies...............****.........Im making myself hungary... 8) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif........just think, in 3 months Xmas will be over again......... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">THE GEOGRAPHY OF BOTH S*XES</span></span>

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa:
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America:
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India:
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France:
Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia:
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is
now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia:
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people
away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia,
with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq.........ruled by a d*ck.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build
improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air
conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down
there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him
back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping
him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">The Confession</span></span>

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However,
two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more
question.."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[bigbugga]

A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

[bigbugga]

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am.

What am I?

























Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert? :twisted:

[Tyrepower]

Three tortoises, Richard, Adrian and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Rich packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble
is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there.
When they get there, Richard unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Rich gets worried, He turns to Adrian, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?"
Naturally Adrian didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home without a bottle opener. Rich and Adrian beg Wayne to go back
for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Wayne
sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
isn't back and Rich and Adrian are starving,but a promise is a
promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is
a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out
a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops
up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not f#@%$*g
going

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif ROFL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif



I love it :!:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

WHY I LOVE MY MUM



Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot
for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into
the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on
the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. Stopped by the
desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the
field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the
envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near
her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her Teeth and
filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then
made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps
and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper,
and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,

straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She
said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.

[Knight]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was! just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

Cheers
knight :wink:

[incisor]

one of my all time favourite jokes...

---
Dave

[Tyrepower]

Little Johnny watched his father's car pass by the school playground
and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw his father and Aunt
Diana in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain
himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mum," little Johnny
exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Diana a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Dad
take his pants off, then Aunt Diana........."

At this point his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner time. I want
to see the look on your father's face when you tell him tonight."

At the dinner table, Mum asked little Johnny to tell his story. She
listened closely as little Johnny started telling his story about how he
"... saw the car go into the woods, then watched Aunt Diana get undressed,
and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat.... and then Aunt Diana and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill do
when Daddy works away!!!"

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt someone!

[Tyrepower]

Just another of those little gems of information that some poor soul has agonised over for weeks/months in an effort to understand the female mind. I bet his wife said FINE, followed by a LOUD SIGH and then said GO AHEAD it means NOTHING !!!
Tyrepower




Subject: WORDS WOMEN USE


FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You
will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that
she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the
truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have
offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing"


Mmmmmm happened to me a few times style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

Real Air Traffic Control Conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351 "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
(FYI-B-52 has eight engines)

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane in a beautiful British accent: "Because
you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate

female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? ! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"