Laughs/Funnies for 2005

[Knight]

Welcome back to me!!

And to begin this year - i shall start a new Funnies thread.....

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Thanks Knight. That was a cracker - a great way to start.

I laughed out loud on numbers 12, 17, 18, 19 so it was a nice run home. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[disco95]

G'day knight good to see you back and making us al laugh.

[Knight]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Ace]

I posted this in another thread aswell, but it will be view by more here.

A blonde walks into a sex shop and asks to be shown the vibrator section.

The guy behind the counter points and says the are over there.

The blonde wanders over and looks around for a while before coming back and points at one, asking how much it is.

The guy walks over and points to one, this one he asks.

No says the blond the long red one.

Are you mad woman, thats our fire extinguisher.

Matt

[Knight]

A TRUE STORY....

ON 20th JULY 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER,
HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK: "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON 5th JULY 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. & MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD
MRS.GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR.GORSKY,
"ORAL SEX! YOU WANT ORAL SEX?

YOU'LL GET ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


(and i copied it from an email - hence the 'YELLING" capitals!! - sorry, but i dont have the time to edit it either -sorry guys! - but enjoy the gag!)

Cheers
Knight

[p38arover]

Originally posted by disco95
G'day knight good to see you back and making us al laugh.

You replied at 8.30pm so shouldn't that have been "Good night, Knight...." ? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[Ace]

I like that one knight. Will you be able to make it to the BBQ weekend at the end of the month? Matt

And for the love of god Ron, get another hobby. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Knight
A TRUE STORY....

ON 20th JULY 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER,
HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK: "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."


An urban legend. See http://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a11/a11.step.html

BTW, I was off duty that weekend but still had to sign some envelopes - see http://61.9.197.173/otc/stories/apollo11_s...llo11_stamp.htm (http://61.9.197.173/otc/stories/apollo11_stamp/apollo11_stamp.htm).

Mine is the 4th signature. Note the date 17th July 1969. The lunar landing was on 21st July 1969 (Australian time) - 20th July 1969 (US time).

I'd come back to Sydney for the weekend to see my fiancée (now wife) so I saw it on TV like the rest of the nation.

Ron

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Ace
And for the love of god Ron, get another hobby. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

Aww, I thought it wasn't a bad one - the "night, knight" bit.

Ron

[Ace]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Ace
And for the love of god Ron, get another hobby. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

Aww, I thought it wasn't a bad one - the "night, knight" bit.

Ron[/b][/quote]

ok, cause i am feeling nice, i will let you have this one. Matt

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Ace+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Ace)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by p38arover@
<!--QuoteBegin-Ace
And for the love of god Ron, get another hobby. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

Aww, I thought it wasn't a bad one - the "night, knight" bit.

Ron

ok, cause i am feeling nice, i will let you have this one. Matt[/b][/quote]

Ta! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[Ace]

dont mention it. matt

[DiscoTDI]

Originally posted by Ace
dont mention it. matt

Im sure you will style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

Ok, just the once. Matt

[DiscoTDI]

see you did :wink:

[Ace]

You must have ESPN (I know it is ESP Ron, its a joke).

[DiscoTDI]

No, I got rid of pay TV style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

Originally posted by DiscoTDI
No, I got rid of pay TV style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Ok, you have 9's Wide World Of Sports. Matt style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[DiscoTDI]

Originally posted by Ace+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Ace)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-DiscoTDI
No, I got rid of pay TV style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Ok, you have 9's Wide World Of Sports. Matt style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/b][/quote]


Still, thats not ESPN :wink: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Maggot4x4]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.
"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.

" What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of
lollies,"the driver offered.
"No!" screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh.

The boy replied:
"Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!"

[Maggot4x4]

To
The Australian Cricket Board
Cricket Australia
60 Jolimont St
Jolimont 3002

To Whom It May Concern

RE – AUSTRALIAN TEST CAPTAIN VACANCY

Dear Sirs.

I wish to apply for the vacant position of Australian Test Cricket Captain pending the retirement of Shane Waugh.

I have been involved in cricket for all of my life and currently I captain the C Grade cricket team for the Wonthaggi Workman’s Club and have been hitting the ball quite well recently. I also open the bowling for the team and my teammates describe my bowling as “nippy”.

This season we have been enjoying unparalleled success in the local competition and sit atop the ladder. Our nearest rival in the competition (Wonthaggi Miners) is full of Pakistani’s, but that doesn’t matter.

On a personal note, I have been working hard to improve my leadership skills and sledging of the opposition. However there is no truth to the rumour that the sledging caused the all in brawl against Leongatha Town 2 weeks ago. It was infact the conduct of their wicket keeper who was drunk at the time.
My batting record speaks for itself and I also hold the record for the Smiths Beach Beach Cricket Comp, being undefeated on 724 with play being interrupted due to the tide washing away the pitch.

I realise that there may be some areas that I may need to improve on if I were to be appointed to this position and one of my concerns is that I have yet to face a ball being bowled at 150kmh, however I am willing to learn.
My leadership skills are exemplary and I run my team in much the same disciplined way as Shane Waugh’s team. In the first game of the season I sent our first slip from the field because he chose to field in bare feet. I didn’t think his conduct was in the spirit of the game and he sat out the rest of the day in the bar while we fielded with only 13 men.

I also have experience in dealing with the media as I regularly get interviewed by the local paper, The Sentinel Times. I would be more than willing to write a regular column for one or more of the major metropolitan papers and generate our own publicity. I’m sure you guys could tee that up for me?

I am very personable, likeable and am a genuine down to earth good bloke. I don’t drink alcohol on game days, I don’t gamble, except on the races, and I don’t have a mobile phone. I would also be willing to relocate to Kirribilli if I was selected for the position.

I look forward to discussing the position at an interview.

Kind regards
Darran Scott

RMB 5077
Smiths Beach 3922
Victoria Australia


[size=18]
<span style="color:green">Cricket Australia's Answer</span>

http://www.aulro.com/albums/Maggot-s-Rangies/cricket1.jpg

[Maggot4x4]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[p38arover]

Darran, Darran, Darran!

Why, oh why didn't you get me to spell (and apostrophe) check your cricket captaincy application?

Oh, dear!

Ron

Oh, talking of apostrophes, I walked past a Wendy's ice cream franchise today and noticed that Wendy's produce printed signs with "Wendy's Smoothy's". That's patently incorrect. The singular is "smoothy" and the plural is "smoothies".

[Maggot4x4]

Originally posted by p38arover
Darran, Darran, Darran!

Why, oh why didn't you get me to spell (and apostrophe) check your cricket captaincy application?

Oh, dear!

Ron

Oh, talking of apostrophes, I walked past a Wendy's ice cream franchise today and noticed that Wendy's produce printed signs with "Wendy's Smoothy's". That's patently incorrect. The singular is "smoothy" and the plural is "smoothies".

Or the real estate agent with the sign"WERE No1" instead of "WE'RE No1"

Poor guys. :roll:

[Maggot4x4]

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous YES.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.



"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.




Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out dancing.

Play another 18.

"There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It's just to show that no matter how full your life may seem,

There's[size=24]<span style="color:red"> "always"</span>room for a couple of beers!!

[VladTepes]

Mmm true wisdom.

[Maggot4x4]

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected....

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain....

I'm in shape. Round is a shape....

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?....

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?....

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific....

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking the locks, they're always locking 3 of them....

TV ads show you how to get bloodstains out of a t-shirt. I think if you have a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it, laundry isn't your biggest problem....

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my leather jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I have to kill you too."....

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse....

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windscreen....

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines....

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds
the universe together....

There are two theories about arguing with women, and neither of them
works....

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live in them?....

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. We all have work stations....

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?....

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?....

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film....

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't....

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe....

[Maggot4x4]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in th! eir bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another! and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over! a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can aparently get through 260 Bensons in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[Ace]

Just a few question.

Why does a shop open 24hrs a day 7 days a week 365 days a year have locks on the door?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why are heameroids not called asteroids?

Matt

[Knight]

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Fill a pot with tap water and boil the hell out of it :roll:


thats all i got...sad isn't it?!


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

and to think you were doing so well, and now you've spoiled it all..... :roll:

[Knight]

(ahhhh, redemption is here................ :wink: ) I know Vlads, i did let the team donw with that last one....Here's an oldie, but a goodie

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">BEER DRINKERS TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE</span>

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer


Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!


Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!


Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!


Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer


Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.


Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.


Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above


Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!


Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Maggot4x4
Or the real estate agent with the sign"WERE No1" instead of "WE'RE No1"

Poor guys. :roll:

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

My local real estate agent, Jim Aitkin, has an advert in the latest Blue Mountains and Central West real estate book. Their adverts says prominently across the top of the page "High Stantards"

Ron

[Bushie]

Originally posted by Maggot4x4
Or the real estate agent with the sign"WERE No1" instead of "WE'RE No1"

Poor guys. :roll:

Maybe they're number 2 now style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif


Bushie

[rmp]

The beautiful young wife was especially pleased with her husband, as he'd spent some spare money on her and not on the Landie. So she decided to give him a treat, and put on her sexiest underwear. When he came home she purred, "tie me up, then do ANYTHING you want!"

So he tied her up and went 4WDing.

[Ace]

Originally posted by Knight
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Fill a pot with tap water and boil the hell out of it :roll:


thats all i got...sad isn't it?!


Cheers
Knight :wink:

How do you recycle toilet paper?















hang it on the clothes line and beat the **** out of it. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[rmp]

Originally posted by Maggot4x4+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Maggot4x4)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-p38arover
Darran, Darran, Darran!

Why, oh why didn't you get me to spell (and apostrophe) check your cricket captaincy application?

Oh, dear!

Ron

Oh, talking of apostrophes, I walked past a Wendy's ice cream franchise today and noticed that Wendy's produce printed signs with "Wendy's Smoothy's". That's patently incorrect. The singular is "smoothy" and the plural is "smoothies".

Or the real estate agent with the sign"WERE No1" instead of "WE'RE No1"

Poor guys. :roll:[/b][/quote]

They're more wrong that right these days. How about:

Managers specials CD's from the 1960's and 1970's.

arghhhh

bus's

etc.

[Ace]

See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

[Ace]

Why are the Telly Tubbies colour coded?


















So the Wiggles can tell which one their bitch is. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[Knight]

(I know it's a bit early for this - but, here it is anyways..............)

<span style="color:red"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">GOD I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE.............</span></span>

WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
******. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come
from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the
world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we
bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their
cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide(also named after a queen). They
had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the
Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was
the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap
in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydneyis
better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a
redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one
seat in Federal Parliament.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting,
two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest
pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in
Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards,
or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
****ed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005.


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[hiline]

> >The Definitive Guide to Being an Aussie
>
> >
>
> >1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.
>
> >
>
> >2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
>
> >
>
> >3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
>
> >gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage
>
> >sizzle.
>
> >
>
> >4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media
>
> >billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
>
> >
>
> >5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato
>
> >sauce.
>
> >
>
> >6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
them
>
> >inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
>
> >
>
> >7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk
>
> >crate.
>
> >
>
> >8. All our best heroes are losers.
>
> >
>
> >9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the
>
> >hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
>
> >
>
> >10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
>
> >
>
> >11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
>
> >contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
>
> >
>
> >12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
>
> >fixing.
>
> >
>
> >13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that
>
> >has the swimming pool.
>
> >
>
> >14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
>
> >
>
> >15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family

>
> >drinks too much.
>
> >
>
> >16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all
>
> >night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

>
> >
>
> >17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything

>
> >you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
not
>
> >trying.
>
> >
>
> >18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog

>
> >battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
>
> >
>
> >19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
front
>
> >yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on
the
>
> >fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
>
> >
>
> >20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool

>
> >will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
>
> >
>
> >21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that
the
>
> >Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
>
> >
>
> >22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia.
>
> >
>
> >Potential new Aussies must pass the following test:
>
> >
>
> >a) Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs
>
> >holding a VB (Beer) while watching the cricket.
>
> >
>
> >style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass
>
> >yourself off as an Aussie.

[hiline]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Maggot4x4]

A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.
A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET.
"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,
"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET.

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN,
HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER
HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK THEN SAY'S,
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES,"
THAT WAS VERY NICE, BUT...............ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK??!


Sorry for the shouting.

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Ace
See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

Excellent! (rub's hand's together) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Ron

(and I didn't even correct your lines above! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Knight]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of
every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
>
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
>
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
>
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
>
> Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
> all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and
your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering
firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices.
>
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a
Rezoning Application with Brisbane City Council & it is now with the Land &
Environment Court.
>
> I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced
the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to
save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.
>
> The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone
would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.
>
> When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I
got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
>
> Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs &
Gregory's.
>
> Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
>
The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes.
I am also have to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST.
>
> I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational
water craft."
>
> I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about how
to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Green
Peace, RSPCA, Work Cover, Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments.
>
> Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts
to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
>
> The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
>
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to.
The Government bureaucracy already has .." 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

HOW VERY TRUE :twisted: :!:

[Ace]

Its funny cause its true. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[adm333]

Johnny's homework assignment was to find out the meaning of the words "potentially" and "actually".

He went home and after dinner he asked his father to explain the difference.

His father said "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for $100,000"

Johnny returned and said that his mother's reply was that she would indeed sleep with Robert Redford for $100,000.

His father then said "Go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for $100,000

Again Johnny returned and said that his sister's reply was that she definitely would sleep with Brad Pitt for $100,000

But Dad how does that explain the meaning of the words ?

Well son it means that <span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">potentially</span> we're sitting on $200,000 but <span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">actually</span> we're living with a couple of whores

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

Gotta love those Little Johnny jokes. Matt

[p38arover]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Ace
See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

Excellent! (rub's hand's together) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Ron

(and I didn't even correct your lines above! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/b][/quote]

Bugger! No one even commented on my deliberate mis-use of those two apostrophes! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[Ace]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by p38arover@
<!--QuoteBegin-Ace
See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

Excellent! (rub's hand's together) style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Ron

(and I didn't even correct your lines above! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Bugger! No one even commented on my deliberate mis-use of those two apostrophes! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron[/b][/quote]

Oh, we saw it, we just dont care enough to say anything. Matt

[Pedro_The_Swift]

>>A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
>
>>coffee
>
>>> > each morning.
>>> >
>>> > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
>
>>we
>
>>> > don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
>>> >
>>> > The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here. You
>
>>should
>>do
>
>>> > it, because that is your job; and I can just wait for my coffee".
>>> >
>>> > Wife replies, "No, you should do it. Besides, it is in the Bible

that

>>the
>
>>> > man should make the coffee".
>>> >
>>> > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".
>>> >
>>> > So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at
>
>>the
>>top
>
>>> > of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."

[Ace]

They always win, when really they dont if ya get my drift. They always have to bring up something from the past to use against us. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[Knight]

You know you're in Auatralia in January when:-



a.. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

b.. Hot water comes out of both taps.

c.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

d.. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

e.. You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

f.. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

g.. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

h.. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

i.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and

end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

j.. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

k.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them

from laying hard-boiled eggs.

l.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

m.. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

n.. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.

o.. You catch a cold from having the air conditioner full blast while you
sleep during the night.

p.. You learn that the local Mall isn't a shopping centre it's a temple to
worship air-conditioning.


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Redback]

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for
the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the
persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves
from the gene pool.

The 2004 nine nominees are:

Nominee #1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee #2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft! "

Nominee #3: [Hickory Daily Record]:Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound
of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but
grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he
drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states
always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee #4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Darwin nominees. To! ronto Sun newspaper
that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200 man
association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the
awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee #5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no
mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in
his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans, beer and cabbage
(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or
had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man
was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article,
"He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas."
Three of the r! escuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

[Ace]

I like the one from a few years back when a drunk guy said he could bungee jump of the local bridge. When they arrived they realised they didnt have a bungee rope. Luckily, lieing on the ground near by was a telecommunications cable. He said this will do tied it off and around his legs and jumped off. When the cable went tight it ripped both his feet off and he plunged into the river below.

There was also another one where a main was smothered to death in elephant ****. He was in working in the pen when and elephant lowered its arse onto his head andhe became stuck in the elephants arse. Matt

[VladTepes]

Did anyone see the show on TV (I think it was called urban mythbusters or something like that) lately which explored the validity of the Darwin Aqrd claim for the car with JATO pack attached sailing off a dliff 300 metres into the side of another cliff. :?:

How did they test it ?

Well, they attached some rockets to a car, obviously.


Talk about having fun..... some interesting engineering issues too.


And was it an urban myth?

Yes, yes it was.

[hiline]

Subject: Worth reflecting





With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth
reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble
started

[OldDog]

Originally posted by VladTepes
Did anyone see the show on TV (I think it was called urban mythbusters or something like that) lately which explored the validity of the Darwin Aqrd claim for the car with JATO pack attached sailing off a dliff 300 metres into the side of another cliff. :?:

How did they test it ?

Well, they attached some rockets to a car, obviously.


Talk about having fun..... some interesting engineering issues too.


And was it an urban myth?

Yes, yes it was.

Yup saw that one Vlad, very entertaining show, did you see the one with the airplane toilet? Now that was damn funny style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Pity they used a '66 Chev Impala 2 door for the Jato experimant, those are cool cruising cars!

[OldDog]

By the way

Whats a ****zu??
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A zoo with no animals

[hiline]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

Originally posted by OldDog
By the way

Whats a Sh*t??>
>
>
A zoo with no animals


I have always wondered what the call a dog that is half ****zu half Bulldog.

I cant for the life of me think up a name. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[hiline]

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[Ace]

I have a speeding one.


I guy had just picked up his new merc and was on his way home when he decided to try the old girl out and see how fast it would go.

He plants his right foot and it shoots off, 130-140-160-180-200, he looks in his mirror to see flashing lights and a police car approaching at high speed. He thinks to himself, he can catch me im driving a merc. He plants his foot and quickly builds up to 250. Then he thinks to himself what am i doing, i could go to jail. He slows the car down and pulls over. When the policeman arrives at his door he says to the driver, if you can come up with an excuse for speeding i havent heard before I will let you go. The Man thinks for a second and then says- Last week my wife left me for a highway patrol officer, i thought you were trying to bring her back.















Have a nice day replies the officer. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[hiline]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[DiscoTDI]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[hiline]

there are some good one's going around here style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

If you are offended by the C word dont read on, if you dont care you are going to love this.



















What is the difference between being caught speeding and going down on a woman?







When you go down on a woman at least you can see the c@#t behind the bushes. Matt

[LandyAndy]

They had to come along
Tsunami Jokes

Father Christmas was running real late after finishing his aussie deliveries,as he approached Indonesia he decided he didnt have enough time so he just gave them a wave on the way past.

Aid agencies were rushing 1000's of litres of Dishwashing liquid to the beaches of Indonesia, On account of all the bodies washing up there.

There was a surfing comp in Margret River last wekend,in very unusual circumstances the comp was one by an Indonesian riding a coconut tree.

Andrew

[Knight]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!



While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),

a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the

other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,

and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"



To which she replied, "I'm late for work."



"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"



"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.



The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a

rectum stretcher do?"



"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to



two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."



"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.



"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Not even rude....

http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/

[Ace]

Originally posted by Knight
THE RECTUM STRETCHER!



While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),

a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the

other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,

and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"



To which she replied, "I'm late for work."



"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"



"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.



The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a

rectum stretcher do?"



"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to



two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."



"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as***le?" he asked.



"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS


Cheers
Knight :wink:

I love it Knight, my friends and colleagues always ask me how do i know all these jokes, they dont know ayone else who can remember them all. I will intorduce them to you, then they will know two. Matt style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[hiline]

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I..... became.... a...a....a..... prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless hussy ! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh ! Bejaysus ! - You scared me half to death, girl ! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug !"

[hiline]

> > >AN IRISH CONFESSION
> > >
> > > "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
>woman."
> > >
> > > The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
> > >
> > > "Yes, Father, it is."
> > >
> > > "And, who was the woman you were with?"
> > >
> > > Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
>her
> > >reputation."
> > >
> > > "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may
>as
>well
> > >tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
> > >
> > > "I cannot say."
> > >
> > > "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
> > >
> > > "I'll never tell."
> > >
> > > "Was it Liz Shannon?"
> > >
> > > "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
> > >
> > > "Was it Cathy Morgan?"
> > >
> > > "My lips are sealed."
> > >
> > > "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
> > >
> > > "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
> > >
> > > The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy
> > >Shaughnessy, and I
> > > admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
>attend
> > >church mass for three
> > > months. Be off with you now."
> > >
> > > Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean,
> > > slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
> > >
> > > "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[OldDog]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Good stuff, think i'll borrow that one for work Hiline!

Heres another one

Yesterday, University of NSW scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men were fed 10 schooners of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8)Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary

[Ace]

Its funny cause its true. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Matt

[Knight]

<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I
found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident
report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off
the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to
let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me.


This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[noddy]

8O I think he must have been having a 'bad brain' day!

I thought these kinds of accidents only happened in the cartoons.

[OldDog]

Bloody Hell!!! That can't be real surely? What a Bozo.

Heres another joke

Two Muslims are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they
start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"You must be so proud," says the other.

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man," replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim says wistfully,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Ace]

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says...

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six.

The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"


Matt

[Ace]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and
replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence responce, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman... and your brother!


Matt

[Tyrepower]

A bit long, but oh so true................

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (or John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following ru les are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"Like" and “you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no su ch place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, colle ctor cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
Tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adul t enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[bigbugga]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had
twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her
class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done
by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that
these are first graders..... 6-year-olds, because the last one is
classic!
1. Strike while the .................... bug is close.
2. It's always darkest before .......... Daylight Saving Time.
3. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
4. You can lead a horse to water but .. how?
5. Don't bite the hand that ............ looks dirty.
6. No news ............................ impossible.
7. A miss is as good as a .............. Mr.
8. You can't teach an old dog new ...... math.
9. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning.
10. Love all, trust .................... me.
11. The pen is mightier than the ....... pigs.
12. An idle mind is .................... the best way to relax.
13. Where there's smoke there's ........ pollution.
14. Happy the bride who ................ gets all the presents.
15. A cent saved is .................... not much.
16. Two's company, three's ............. the Musketeers.
17. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.
18. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to
blow your nose.
19. There are none so blind as ......... Stevie Wonder.
20. Children should be seen and not .... spanked or grounded.
21. If at first you don't succeed ...... get new batteries.
22.You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the
TV.
23. When the blind lead the blind ...... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one -
24. Better late than ....................... pregnant.

[Knight]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping
service in Mexico.

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy
everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give
a*demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she
comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This
time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken
bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches herthis time and says,
What happened? Was the cord too long?
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps...

No, the Bungee cord was fine...
It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?! 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"


"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.


"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'd start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate anyone anymore."


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."


"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the **** out of him." 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Yabbie]

An old man was sitting on a bench in a large shopping centre.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, purple, red,orange,blue and yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked,the oldman was staring.Finally the young man said sarcastically:
"What's the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

[Yabbie]

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.He did this that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and IceCream.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one too.... with sprinkles."
And Lo, 10 pounds was gained unto them.
And so God created healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 8 to size 18.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on
the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks - and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of
salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running-shoes that his children might lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created - The Public Health System!

[bigbugga]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[Pedro_The_Swift]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone
didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a
steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and
then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the
phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing

and

moaning.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

4 Knight----


Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his
neck
and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world
to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the
bulb and
two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for
breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one
egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates
after
mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the
toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need
to
wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women .. ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A
man
wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals".

[Knight]

LOL!! They were good Pedro - and some are so true too! 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Here's a quick one............

On a recent campaign trip through Wisconsin
President Bush visited the City of Green Bay.
He met with the elders of the Oneida Nation.
He said he had a plan to improve the income of every
Native American by $40,000.00 a year. Details of the
plan were not presented despite frequent requests to
do so. President Bush was adopted as a member of the
Oneida Nation and given the name Walking Eagle.

After the President left, one of the elders was asked
the significance of the name Walking Eagle.

His response---" Bird so full of **** it can't fly "

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Ace]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone
didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a
steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and
then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the
phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing

and

moaning.

I will tell stacey this, next time she tells me i am ****ing an moaning, she will know it is worth while. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif matt

[HSVRangie]

I,___________________, the undersigned, agree that:

In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for two minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, (as is entirely normal and in accordance
with the natural order of things) I shall politely fake one. It'll be a
really good act too, with me saying stuff like oooh, do me slow; your so
good, you're the best and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed
with a compass.

I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your
favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for
a few pints at my cost. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie
chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled
Himalayan yak and that you have discovered, contrary to popular belief,
that size does matter. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start
a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname. Any references to this
hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as mighty, huge
thrapping or the thunderstick.

In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you
fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.

I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you
if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite
them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I
understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of
the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will
acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined
me for other men.

I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues
and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension
of women, and that I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to
operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the
Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed____________________________________

Date _____________________________________

[Tyrepower]

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........

by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Landy is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[Tyrepower]

And another just for laughs...



Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw,and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt
the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be
either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."

[RichardK]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am", he left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed, the
paper said, "It is 5:00am, wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created
man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.

[p38arover]

[quote=Knight]<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>

I think this was recreated on Mythbusters a few weeks back. (SBS Monday arvo and Monday evening)

Ron

[Knight]

Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked
as aeroplane mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in
the hangar with nothing to do.

Bruce said,"Man I wish we had something to drink".
Tom said, "Me too. You know I have heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and got completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and
is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangovers! No
bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings...it's Tom.
Tom says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Tom says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hang over?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff. No hangovers - nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yea, well there's just one thing......

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well don't, 'cos I'm in Adelaide."
8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

wooooooooSHKA :!:

[hiline]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a Tasmanian zoo and a NSW zoo?
A Tasmanian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[hiline]

OK the sad truth as to why I am now single
Daryl's Badnight..
Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week fishing
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golf team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Daryl, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[p38arover]

[quote=Knight]<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>

I think this was recreated on Mythbusters a few weeks back. (SBS Monday arvo and Monday evening)

Ron

Last Monday. Will be repeated next Monday arvo at 5pm

Ron

[bigbugga]

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00



OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN


1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.


2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.


4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.


6) Place drain pan under engine.

7) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

8) Give up and use crescent wrench.

9) Unscrew drain plug.

10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

11) Clean up mess.

12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

13) Look for oil filter wrench.

14) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

15) Beer.

16) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

17) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

19) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

20) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

22) Remember drain plug from step 11.

23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

24) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

25) Drink beer.

26) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

27) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

28) Drink beer.

29) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

30) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

31) Begin cussing fit.

32) Throw wrench.

33) Beer.

34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

35) Beer.

36) Beer.

37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

38) Beer.

39) Lower car from jack stands.

40) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

41) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

42) Beer.

43) Test drive car.

44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

45) Car gets impounded.

46) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail

[bigbugga]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks? He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving

[bigbugga]

After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer. The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señora, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please." The bartender gives him one. Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Guinness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">Daryl's Bad Night</span>

Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week fishing and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golf team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Daryl, you picked up a real bi*ch this time." 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

<span style="color:darkred">The Bunny and the Snake.</span>

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".

[Pedro_The_Swift]

sounds familiar,, :roll:


not like you BB?

[Ace]

Whats red black and white and cant go through a revolving door?

















A nun with a spear through her head. Matt

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
sounds familiar,, :roll:


not like you BB?

Not like me what 8O


Hmmmmm maybe a hidden insult there me thinks :evil:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

sounds familiar --- try SEARCH,,


you are always at the 4front of jokes,, 8)

[bigbugga]

If I have repeated it I am sorry,

but was worth the repeat me thinks

[Pedro_The_Swift]

so,, is today slow and rough :?:

or is today fast and powerfull :?:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
so,, is today slow and rough :?:

or is today fast and powerfull :?:


#2
And thanks for your concern :wink:

[bigbugga]

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on. " God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious."

[Pedro_The_Swift]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif ROLMAO style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

[bigbugga]

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."

"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."

The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."

"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."

The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."

[bigbugga]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[rmp]

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a lovely young naked
lady comes up and washes your windscreen.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals
anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They robbed me 17 times on Friday and 28 times on Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[VladTepes]

I found 'em Robert - thanks for the suitcase full of dosh.

Very accomodating those girls....


Didn't pinch anything from me - I'm not old. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Ace]

Originally posted by VladTepes
I found 'em Robert - thanks for the suitcase full of dosh.

Very accomodating those girls....


Didn't pinch anything from me - I'm not old. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Vlad is the one pinching the stuff, its just a coincidence there are naked chicks washing windscreens. Matt :wink:

[bigbugga]

A man walks into a building for an interview and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization.

The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says O.K. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away.

The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

[bigbugga]

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A man walks into a building for an interview and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization.

The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says O.K. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away.

The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next

Just how I like it.


If you take out just one line-------- 8O

[bigbugga]

ooooo is this pay back for the fuzzy dwarf comment style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Pedro_The_Swift]

yup,,
and just a smidgeon of jealousy style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

Hmm, something going on between BB and Pedro_The_Duplicator there, but I'm not sure I know what it is.....


Real (allegedly) air traffic controllers conversations


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcon...funnyquotes.htm (http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm)

[bigbugga]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day that a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his, and what was he going to do about it? Finally, he capitulated. He promised to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been ticking the years off on his calendar and one day, the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came in to the shop and said: “I’ll be sixteen tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile. “I’ve been counting too, and tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home that it is the last free meat she will get, and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the past 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”





Oh and Vlad, nothing going on that I know of.
But unsure what Pedro is jealous about for now. :?

[bigbugga]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. I love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 am, drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that? Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady leave me alone! I'm married!'"

[Tyrepower]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif lucky for him he answered that way....

[Knight]

These are old-ish - and i reckon they'd have been up there with the 'Darwon Awards' Winners!

Those who need a sign saying 'I am an idiot'.

Only in America.

Idiot Number One of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat
in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Two of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Three of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Four of 2003

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, because "I don't believe you are over 21. "The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the
bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Five of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2003

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a
gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Sign please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and
breed).

Scary, isn't it? 8O


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[BMac]

the first for me 8)



There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[Tyrepower]

Very very funny style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She
then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was
something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car and
$3,000 a month living expenses

[bigbugga]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[hiline]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2003


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to ! repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to
make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may
be able to tell them what was wrong. A rough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under
the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Tyrepower]

hard being a man




This is Spot on....

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a
> pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male
> chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too
> hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're
> a good-for-nothing b um.
>
> If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
> If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
> your a ss and find something better.
>
> If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
> job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
>
> If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
> quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't,
> you're an insensitive bas tard.
>
> If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If
> she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
> woman.
>
> If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
> she asks you, it's a favor.
>
> If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
> If you don't, you're gay.
>
> If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
> If you don't, you're unromantic.
>
> If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're
> a slob.
>
> If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're
> not thoughtful.
>
> If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you
> don't, you're not ambitious.
>
> If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
> love her anymore.
>
> If you want it Too often, you're overs exed. if you don't, there must
> be someone else.
>
> NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
>
>
> THEY WANT TO!!

[Tyrepower]

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's on a
cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started
taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one
order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his
wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took
a sip and then set ! the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they
were thinking.

"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for
the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood
and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered
to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man
replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten
a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young
man came over and begged them to let him buy them something
to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin, the young man ! could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy
some food. After being politely refused again, he finally
asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

[bigbugga]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

[bigbugga]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Knight]

A New Year warning!!!!!!!!



Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a date rape drug called "BEER" 8O to target unsuspecting men.

This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "BEERS" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "BEERS," men will have sex with even unattractive women.

Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
headache and a vague feeling that something bad happened. :roll:
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship" 8O

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage". :twisted:

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "BEER" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know.

And if you, or some man you know have fallen victim to this insidious "BEER" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.



For the support group nearest you,
look in the Yellow Pages under: "Golf Courses" :wink:

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

(WOOHOO - i know what I'm doing tonight!! :wink: )

[bigbugga]

For all the ladies - this is fiction



No sex tonight? I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.



FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreadsto hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by
saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the
day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.



Smiling with excited anticipation she
finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."


Her face just went completely blank as
her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy Your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight
either.


:twisted:

[bigbugga]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

 Change riders.

 Buy a stronger whip.

 Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

 Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

 Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

 Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful as a saddle when it comes to protecting your xxxx!!)

 Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

 Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

 Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

 Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

 Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

 Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

 Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

 Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

 Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position, (but the competition for positions is fierce).

[bigbugga]

The Snake and the Bunny.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cotton tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

[bigbugga]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy

laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the

Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The

Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about

the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole

line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The

Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men march

down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that

there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really

beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee

surrounded by mountain of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red

fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she

cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to

carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager

bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself

together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able

to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I

gave you yeterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest
person in the world."



Wait for it..................



Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[Knight]

BASEBALL

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe,"You know how we have both played and loved baseballall our lives.
Sam,you have to do me one favor.
When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says,
"Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."
And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him,
"Moe... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some
good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!!!"
8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

Modern Day Cowboy.........

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.



"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."



***POOF***



He turned into a tampon.



The moral of the story:



If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Tyrepower]

Not a bad idea.......... but think of all the fat ugly chicks out there. My luck would be to end up with one of them... 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O

[LRHybrid100]

Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber
cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's
memory stick.

When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up
with a virus."

[Pedro_The_Swift]

WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was

able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives
came
to visit. "May we see the new baby, one asked?"

Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile

first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we
see
the new baby now?"

No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the

baby now?"

"Not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he
CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."

[hiline]

> > >>DIVORCED BARBIE

> > >>

> > >>A man was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it

> > >>was his daughter's birthday and he had not bought her a present. He

> > >>drove to the shopping centre and ran to the toy shop and he asked the

> > > manager:

> > >>

> > >>"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

> > >>

> > >>The Manager replied, "Which one? We have "Barbie goes to the gym"

> > >>for$19.95, "Barbie goes to the Ball" for $19.95, "Barbie goes shopping"

> > >>for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the

> > >>Nightclub" for $19.95 and "Divorced Barbie"

> > >>for $375.00"

> > >>

> > >>"Why is Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?", the

> > >>dad asked.

> > >>

> > >>"Divorced Barbie" comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's

> > >>dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.

[Bushie]

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him he says, "That tooth has to come out. My nurse will give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist asks his nurse go get him a glass of water.
"Here," the dentist says. "Take this pill."

"What is it?" asks the cowboy.

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[timberwolf_302]

A blonde brings her car to a mechanic, complaining that it is running rough and not making alot of power.

The mechanic tells her he'll take a look at it, and to come back in half an hour.

Half an hour later she returns. The mechanic tells her what the problem was

"Its fine now, just crap in the Carby." he says as he hands the keys to her

The blonde looks a bit surprised, but then says "Oh, ok...how often should I do that?"

[bigbugga]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[bigbugga]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by bigbugga
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.


Hmm, and he's the one who posted it...


<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>23. This explains your car. [/b][/quote]
checks driveway - 2 large heavy big chunky landies.... :oops:

[Tyrepower]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me ****."

[Pedro_The_Swift]

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"







--------------------------------------------------------------------

[bigbugga]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question, if they are not prepared for the answer:
------------------------------------------------

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me??
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot, when you have not the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than an insignificant paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he also cheated on his wife with three different women. One of themwas your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry rear ends in jail for contempt."

[Knight]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man,
"same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man,
"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

[Knight]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif nice one Tyrepower!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

A very young girl tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two
months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that
did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Mercedes Benz stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished looking man, dressed in expensive clothes, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
situation.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
All doctor and hospital bills will be paid for, as well as a
full wardrobe of maternity clothes for your daughter.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her a townhouse in Westmoorings, a house Down the Islands and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,



"You try again." style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[incisor]

quality, as always knight!

[VladTepes]

Worth the wait dialuppers (and it does take a while....)

DO NOT READ the text before you download and watch the clip.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbo...tv_episode.html (http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html)

[Tyrepower]

There is no way they didn't know what they were doing. How they all managed to keep straight faces is amazing. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Pedro's Daily Exercises.


EVERYONE JOIN IN :!:


Just thinking of every ones health so here is a.................


New exercise Routine

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you
become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...



































NOW SCROLL UP.. ...

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit,,, Its the only way to be sure."

arrhh, Sigorney, when will they listen.

"Sigourney" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[Pedro_The_Swift]

damn,, and I have all the DVDs--- :oops:


style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[damo]

In the news tonight, they reported that michael jackson has plead guilty to all charges on a plea bargain. He is reported to have pleaded guilty on the condition that his custodial sentence be served in a juvenial facility.

[bigbugga]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Pedro_The_Swift]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[incisor]

ROFLING

[Knight]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">Life in a Mental Hospital</span>

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car,
with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks,
"Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed m@sturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies,
"Shhh, I'm sh@gging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne". style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[p38arover]

Originally posted by damo
In the news tonight, they reported that michael jackson has plead guilty to all charges on a plea bargain. He is reported to have pleaded guilty on the condition that his custodial sentence be served in a juvenial facility.

"juvenial" :?:

Ron

[adm333]

Originally posted by VladTepes
Worth the wait dialuppers (and it does take a while....)

DO NOT READ the text before you download and watch the clip.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbo...tv_episode.html (http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html)


Very ceative over dubbing

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hand first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Oscar raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face
"Now Oscar, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Oscar said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,"Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


The Nun fainted! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

Nutritional Facts

Speaking of drinking and nutrition, the latest facts:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

I wont agrue with an expert :wink:

[Knight]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">THE RING</span>

An old man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm.
"I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady," he said.

The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique, and much more expensive" the old man said.

At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"Fine," the jeweller said. "And how will you be paying today?"
"I'll pay by cheque, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order,
so I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning a very ****ed-off jeweller phones the man. "You lied to me," he said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know that," the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?" :wink: 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"


Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[Tyrepower]

Good ol' boy

A good ol' boy had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to remove two bouquets of flowers from the back of his truck. He put one in front of his pickup truck and one behind it.

The good ol' boy then started taking out his spare and jack to replace the tire.

A passerby from Illinois studied the scene as he drove by and was
so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was.

The good ol' boy replied, "Flat tire."

In response the passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"

The ol' boy responded, "When ya' break down they tell ya' to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I ain't never understood it neither."

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

Not speshly. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[p38arover]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

I wont agrue with an expert :wink:[/b][/quote]

I'm not sure if that's "agree" or "argue" - it could be either. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Oh, "wont" means:
1: ACCUSTOMED, USED <got up early as he is wont to do>
2 : INCLINED, APT " (from Merriam-Webster)

So that sentence could possibly be read in several ways. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Ron

[Knight]

(if i have posted this one before - sorry, otherwise: Enjoy!)

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."


They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.



Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by Knight
<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">THE RING</span>

An old man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm.
"I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady," he said.

The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique, and much more expensive" the old man said.

At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"Fine," the jeweller said. "And how will you be paying today?"
"I'll pay by cheque, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order,
so I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning a very ****ed-off jeweller phones the man. "You lied to me," he said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know that," the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?" :wink: 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Now that is a fantastic idea :!:

[Tyrepower]

Been doing it for years Vlad 8) 8) I'm a bit miffed that some one has published my MO........Damm their on to me now.

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by bigbugga@
<!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

I wont agrue with an expert :wink:

I'm not sure if that's "agree" or "argue" - it could be either. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Oh, "wont" means:
1: ACCUSTOMED, USED <got up early as he is wont to do>
2 : INCLINED, APT " (from Merriam-Webster)

So that sentence could possibly be read in several ways. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Ron[/b][/quote]

OMG, Mom I have told you not to come in here and correct me all the time dammit.








style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[p38arover]

Originally posted by bigbugga
OMG, Mom I have told you not to come in here and correct me all the time dammit.style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

OK. But first:

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
OMG, Mom I have told you not to come in here and correct me all the time dammit.style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

OK. But first:

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron[/b][/quote]


Wellll I was going to put HARD but is sounded rude :oops:

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">The Octopus</span></span>

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix.

The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet.

This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table.

The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says,

"Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off." style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :twisted: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Ace]

A Range Rover one for you all.

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range
Rovers.

Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give
us the money", they shout at the Queen.

"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."

"Oh, ****", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us
yer jewels."

"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."

The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing
sirens approaching.

"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that
the robbers drive off.

As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to
the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always
loaded."

"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they
got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place
that only women have."

Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.

"And what did you do with your jewels?

You always wear lots of jewellry, my dear."

The Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the
robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and
like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have."

Reaching down, she plucks out her jewellry.

They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You
know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."


Matt

[bigbugga]

Church Announcements

Once again, Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

- Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

- Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer medication to follow.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

- For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

- Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

- Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in the private study.

- This being Easter Sunday, we ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

- The ladies of the chuch have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement.

- A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

- The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

- Pastor is away. Massages can be given to church secretary.

- Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

- The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

- The Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

- The minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I've Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by p38arover

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" :)

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>it is. 8)

[Ace]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

[bigbugga]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

[Ace]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

When were there before? Matt

[p38arover]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

Well, you haven't fixed your signature line, yet. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[bigbugga]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

Well, you haven't fixed your signature line, yet. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

Whats wrong with it?
:wink:

[bigbugga]

"The Bottle"

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

[VladTepes]

A poor farmer has three sheep and one old ram. As the three sheep are not conceiving the farmer calls in the vet. Well, you have three options says the vet, a new ram or artificial insemination. "Sounds too costly," said the farmer, "but you said three options!"

"Yes," said the vet, "do it yourself."

The farmer was aghast. "How will I know if it works?"

"Well," said the vet, "if they roll around in the mud the morning after you have made love to them then they are not pregnant, however if they roll around in the hay, they are pregnant."

So, the next day the farmer takes the three sheep in his land rover and does the business. Next morning he calls to his wife, "What are the sheep doing love?"

"They are rolling in the mud, Jack."

So with a heavy heart he takes the three sheep in his land rover and once again does the business. Next morning, "What are the sheep doing love?"

Suspiciously she says, "They are rolling in the mud jack."

By now he's exhausted and puts the sheep in to the land rover and does the business. Next morning, "What are the sheep doing love?"

"Well this is very strange," she answers. "Two of them are in the back of the land rover and the other one is pipping the horn!"

[VladTepes]

Here are the real meanings behind the names of these 4wd manufacturers and their vehicles.

Most of these were created by me; at least give me credit when you plagiarise them. (Ok - but who the hell is he :?: )


Acura - Apparently Cheap U-joints Replaced Again

MDX - My Driveshaft Xploded

AM General - Apparently My Girth Enables Neophytes to End Rollovers At Last

Hummer - Huge Unwieldy Monster Mashes Every Rock

Asuna - Annoyingly Slow Under Normal Acceleration

BMW - Break My Windows / Bought My Wife

Buick - Butt-Ugly Imitation Cadillac Kitsch

Cadillac - Crashed After Driver Intercepted Low-Level Air Craft

Escalade - Embarrassed Stockbrokers Can Always Lie About Dead Electronics

Chevrolet - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Avalanche - After Victims Acquire Lease, Annoying Noises Constantly Heard Everywhere

Blazer - Bought Lemon; A Zillion Electrical Recalls

Silverado - Seized Injectors Lack Velocity; Exciting Roll Abruptly Detains Owner

Suburban - Stretched Useless Blazer Uses Rusty Bolts And Nails

Tahoe - Total Amateur Hates Onerous Electronics / Take A Hike, Or Else

Daihatsu - Damages Axles In Highly Advanced Technical Situations, Unfortunately

Rocky - Rolled Over Cliff; Keep Yanking

Dodge - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dakota - Damned Amateurs, Keep Out of Tough Areas

Durango - Drives Unusually Rough And Never Goes Offroad

Ram - Replace All Motors / Really Awful Mechanicals

Ramcharger - Radiator And Motor Can't Handle A Relatively Gentle Easy Road

Ford - Forget Off Road Driving / Found On Rocks Disabled / Flip Over, Read Directions / or upside down: Driver Returns On Foot / Damaging Rust Overwhelms Frame

Bronco - Body Rust Overwhelms New Car Owner

Escape - Easy Sidehills Can Alter People's Expectations

Excursion - Expansive Xenophiliac's Cursed Urban Ride Slowly Impairs Owner's Neurons

Expedition - Exorbitant Xeroxed Product Embarrasses Driver Incessantly; Tow It Out Now

Explorer - Expansive Xeric Pastures Leave Our Ride Easily Rolled

Ranger - Retarded Accelleration Needlessly Gets Engine Roaring / Reverse And Neutral Gears Explode Rapidly

Geo - Gross Exhaust Odour

Tracker - Tough Road Action Creates Knocking Engine Rods

GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming? / Get My Come-along / Garbage Master Cylinder / or upside down: Couldn't Make the Grade / Corroding in My Garage

Denali - Docile Engine Needs A Little Injection

Envoy - Expensive New Vehicle Of Yuppies

Jimmy - Jump Into My Mother's Yacht

Sonoma - Suddenly Overturned Near Old Mainline Access

Yukon - Yelling Usually Keeps Owners Nonviolent

Holden - High Output Lights Drain Energy Notoriously

Frontera - Frightening Roll-Over Necessitates Training; Engine Rattles Annoyingly

Jackaroo - Junky Air Conditioning Keeps All Registered Owners Oblivous

Honda - Had One, Never Did Again

CRV - Crappy Recalled Vehicle / Crying Reveals Victim

Pilot - Painfully Inadequate Loser Overturns Truck

Hyundai - Help! Yells Unimpressed Newbie, Disappointed After Introduction

Santa Fe - Sluggish Automobile Notoriously Tepid And Fools Everyone / Sad Attempt Not Too Advanced, Fails Early

Isuzu - It Slowly Undermines Ziebart's Undercoating

Amigo - Aliens Might Investigate Grabbing One

Rodeo - Rides On Dry Earth Only

Trooper - Towing Recommended Out Of Pitifully Easy Rocks

Jeep - Just Enough Extra Parts / Jinxed Engine Eats Pistons / Jerks Exploring Every Pasture / Joke Electronics Exceptionally Poor / Just Empty Every Pocket

CJ - Cheap Junk / Children's Jeep / Childish Joke / Claim Jumper

Grand Cherokee - Grandmother's Ride Allows No Droop; Can't Hear Expensive Radio Over Knocking Engine and Exhaust (pic1) (pic2) (pic3)

Liberty - Laughable Inferior Box Easily Rolls, Terrifying You

MJ - My Junk / Motor's Junk / Mom's Jeep / Moronic Jerk

Scrambler - Sad Crawl Ratio Always Makes Boring Life Excitingly Real

Renegade - Rolls Easily, Negating Emergency Gear And Destroying Everything

TJ - Tomorrow's Junk / Tow Job / Try Jacking / Transmission Jammed / Total Joke

Wagoneer - Willfully Atrocious Garbage; Obviously No Engineering Expertise Required

XJ - Xeno Junk

YJ - Yesterday's Junk / You Jerk / Yuppy's Jeep

ZJ - Zero Juice / Zoological Joke

Kia - Keep It Away / Killed in Action / Know It All (Ayeee!)

Sportage - Stupid Psychotic Owner Roasts Transmission And Gets Embarrassed

Lada - Lost And Dumfounded Again

Niva - No Inherent Value at All

Land Rover - Laughing At New Driver, Rolled On Very Easy Road

County - Crazily-Overpriced Unit Normally Taxi's Yokels

Defender - Driver Easily Forgets Everything; Normally Disabled on Every Rock

Discovery - Driver Ignorant; Saves Cash to Own a Very Expensive Ride for Yuppies

Range Rover - Replace All New Gears Eventually; Risk Of Violently Exploding Rear

Lincoln - Lousy Incompetant Numbskull Crashes; Obviously Legally Negligent

Navigator - Not A Very Interested Glance At This Overpriced Ride

Mazda - Mindless Automaton Zipping Dangerously Along

MPV - Mind Painfully Vacant

Navajo - Not A Vehicle A Judge Owns

Tribute - Terrifying Roll Into Bushes Ultimately Totalled Exterior

Mercedes - Many Easily Roll & Careen Effortlessly Down Endless Slopes

ML - More Lift / Money Lost / Moronic Loser

Unimog - Uncomfortable Noisy Imposing Monstrosity Often Grinds

Mercury - My Easily-Rolled Car Usually Requires Yanking

Mountaineer - Man Overjoyed Until New Transmission And Injectors Negate Electronics, Exploding Rapidly

Mitsubishi - Mournfully I've Tried Spending Unlimited Bucks; I Still Hate It

Montero - My Overrated New Truck Easily Rolls Over

Pajero - Poorly-Assembled Junk; Engine Replaced Often

Nissan - Now I'm Stuck, Send Another Nissan

Pathfinder - People Assume These High-Flying Idiots Normally Drive Easy Roads

Patrol - Phone A Taxi; Ripped Off Leafs

Hardbody - Happy And Retarded Driver Basically Only Delivers Yuppies

Frontier - Foolish Registered Owner Needs To Investigate Engine Replacement

Murano - Many Unnecessary Repairs Aggravate New Owners

Xterra - Xtreme Terrain Easily Rolls Risky Auto

Oldsmobile - Overpriced Leisurely-Driven Sport-ute, Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment / Oh Look Dear, Some Massive Oil-Burning Idiot's Leaking Everywhere

Bravada - Beats Riding A Very Ancient Dodge Aspen

Pontiac - Parting Out Now, Totalled It After Collision

Sunrunner - Some Unsuspecting Newbie Rolls Uncontrollably on Nice Normal Easy Roads

Saturn - Slow Americans Take Unmarked Roads Nowhere

Vue - Very Ugly Exterior / Very Useless Engine

Subaru - Something Usually Breaks And Renders it Useless

Brat - Beats Riding A Tricycle

Outback - Obviously Useless Transmission Breaks; Air Conditioning Kills

Suzuki - Slid Under Zooming Unimog; Killed Instantly

Grand Vitara - Grossly Restricted Articulation Normally Denotes Very Interesting Time At Rocky Areas

Samurai - Small Automobile Makes Urinals Really Appear Immense

Sidekick - Slow Ineffectual Deathtrap Endangers Kin In Collision Knockout

Tatra - Terrifyingly-Abominable Trash Receptable Approaches

Volvo - Very Old Lady's Vehicle Only

Laplander - Last And Probably Lowest-Achieving National Defense Emergency Ride

Willys - We Invariably Like Long Yank Straps / What Incompetent Losers Like, Yes Siree

To be fair: (and don't let me catch you posting this on your non-Toyota website! Yeah right :roll: )

Toyota - Tipped Over, Yanked Out To Asphalt

Highlander - Hopelessly Incompetent Grandpa Hates Lifts And Needs Daily Energy Ration

Land Cruiser - Lost And Needs Directions, Can't Return Until Idiot Searches Every Road

RAV4 - Really Awful Valueless 4wheeler

Tundra - Totally Uncoordinated New Driver Rolls Always

[VladTepes]

Some Land-Rover jokes

A body engineer from Land Rover goes on an exchange visit to Toyota in Japan and watches the engineers developing the latest Land Cruiser bodyshell. He notices that on the workbench they have a cat in a small cage and he asks what it's for. The Japanese engineer tells him when they have finished a Land Cruiser they lock a cat in it and go home. If the cat is dead when they return in the morning they know the shutlines on the doors are up to their high standards. The LR guy likes this idea and when he gets back to Solihull he takes a cat to work and locks it in a Defender and goes home for the night. When he returns in the morning the cat is gone.

***
Land Rovers are like women:
They leak when you don't want them to, moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and peers, and consume more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.
***
Did you hear about the man whose Land Rover didn't leak oil?
The factory took it back and worked on it until it did.
***
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same.
He replied, "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
***
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
***
Lucas - "Inventor" of the first intermittent wiper.
***
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
***
Land Rover three position headlight switch - Dim, Flicker and Off.
***
The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
***
"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..."
***
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start...
***
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators...


===

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

===

How to know when you're a Land Rover owner:

-If you go to get the Sunday paper and come back on Monday without it.

-If you use a hose to clean the inside and the outside.

-When the best route from point A to point B is through the mud.

-When a scratch or a dent is a beauty mark.

-You roll your Rover over and look for it's thingy.

-Your mom and sister can't get in without help.

-You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb.

-You search for trails in an USAF helicopter.

-You puke when you see a Geo Tracker.

-You get custom pin-striping from trail brush.

-If it takes more than 6 hours to get donuts.

-When you pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy days.

-When you take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail -I don't see a trail!"

-Your friends won't ride with you 'cause they don't want to wind up in the desert in the middle of the night.

-When your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Rover

-When you finally wash the mud off, everyone thinks you bought a new Rover.

-You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know where you will end up.

-When your Nerf bars battle rocks and win.

-When it rains and you don't care that your tops and doors are off.

-When you drive around to look at Christmas lights topless.

-When you change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break.

-If your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.

-When you take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Rover back onto its wheels again.

-You use an ice-scraper on the INSIDE of the windshield.

-You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents.

-Every page of your repair manual has fingerprints.

-Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheeling.

-You spend more time under your Rover than under your significant other.

-Winter comes and you can't remember where you left the roof.

-You spend more on car washes than on insurance.

-Even worse the car wash won't let you in.

-You complain about everything but smile when you fix everything yourself.

-When you think Mud Brown should be a factory paint color.

-When you feel sorry for someone in a $60,000 Toyota Land Cruiser.

-When you have all your credit card numbers memorized.

-When you slam the door and part of your Rover crumbles to the ground.

-If you get asked to pick up your co-workers in a snow storm and get paid for it.

-Your wife/girlfriend refuses to get in it.

-You are the only one on the street who doesn't plow their driveway.

-You try to run the plow trucks off the road when it snows.

-You have a high-water mark INSIDE the Rover.

-The first word out of your 2 year old's mouth isn't Mommy or Daddy, it's Rover!!!

[Tyrepower]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar
in
Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why,
in
Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there
goes out of his way for the locals' so much that when you buy
four
drinks,
he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the
barman
there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhh, that's nothin' " said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've
had
enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the
house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the
Irishman's
claims - but he swore every word was true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it
did
happen
to me sister." style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[p38arover]

[quote=p38arover]
"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

Well, you haven't fixed your signature line, yet. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

Whats wrong with it?
:wink:

You've written "powerfull" when it should be "powerful".

Ron

[VladTepes]

LOL Good one Tyrepower :!:

[hiline]

>Melbourne, Tuesday
>
>
>The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
>announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
>Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from
>Frankston.
>
>The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on
how
>unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of
>wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
>Ferrari's
existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of >euros worth
>of high-tech equipment.
>
>John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari
>management, which demonstrated the international recognition of
>Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most
>races are won >and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage
over
every team.
>
>However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the
>crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully
>changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they
>had
>re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a
>slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's
>girlfriend
in the shower.

[bigbugga]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

[VladTepes]

What is the difference between women at ages 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

[Bushie]

AUSSIE GUYS ARE SOOOOOOO TOUGH!

As the anthem goes aussie, aussie, aussie,....

Three Hang-glider pilots, one from New Zealand, one from South Africa, and the other from Australia, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of Tall Tales begins.....

Gary the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile loose from a nearby swamp and it ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground... and killed it with my bare hands".

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered.

"Well you guys, I lended efter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail end a fifteen foot Namibian desert sneike slid out from under a rock and mede a move for me. I grebbed thet bugger with my bare hends, beet it's head off end sucked the poison down in one gulp. End I'm still here today".

Mick the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.





Bushie

[bigbugga]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

[bigbugga]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"

[bigbugga]

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

what happened to the bike? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
what happened to the bike? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Typical style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift
what happened to the bike? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Typical style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/b][/quote]

I was wondering the same thing myself.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

NON-typical :!:


untypical?

antitypical?

Ron???

[bigbugga]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
I love you Kevin
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

[bigbugga]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

[incisor]

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

[bigbugga]

SOOOOO now isnt a good time to drop around for a coffee hey Inc?

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[bigbugga]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Pedro_The_Swift]

THE LITTLE OLD LADY
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having
the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be r.a.p.e.d and
s.o.d.o.m.i.z.e.d."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
drilled
for that."

[VladTepes]

That's a classic, Inc :!:

[Knight]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

WHICH CONDOMS WOULD YOU USE ?


Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family Double

Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

[VladTepes]

Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
NON-typical :!:


untypical?

antitypical?

Ron???

Atypical style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[Pedro_The_Swift]

8) :wink:

[Yabbie]

A Fishing Story


A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Well, I was a salesman back home in Missouri." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down to see how he did.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for? "The kid says,"$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down in the Keys, so I told him he would definitely need a boat. So, we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.
The boss said, "So, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said "Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing!""

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by VladTepes
Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

Better traction too :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-VladTepes
Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

Better traction too :wink:[/b][/quote]
dont you mean friction :?:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pedro_The_Swift)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by bigbugga@
<!--QuoteBegin-VladTepes
Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

Better traction too :wink:
dont you mean friction :?:[/b][/quote]

Traction is what you need in slippery conditions

:wink:

[VladTepes]

A bloke cruising in his HQ panel van has the luck to pick up good looking girl. He drives her up Mt Coot-tha for a nice view of the city lights to set the mood for some tawdry sex.

Later they are going at it like teenagers when she reaches out of the window, breaks off the radio aerial and starts whipping him with it. Well, he quite likes it and they keep going til they drop in exhaustion.

He drops her off somewhere (all class!) and proceeds to the pub to get ****ed and tell all his mates.

The nest morning he wakes up with no recollection of the previous night, but with some nasty welts all over his back. Some weeping pus.

Worried, he quickly gets himself to the doctor, who, after a brief examination says:

"You've got a particularly nasty case of van aerial disease :!: "

[VladTepes]

Ivan Milat and a backpacker are walking thorugh Balangalow State Forest.

"Jeez Mr Milat," says the backpacker, "It's dark and creepy in this spooky forest!"

"It's alright for you," says Milat, "I have to walk back alone."

[hiline]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Podge jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush,
my Dad says it will take the c*nt ages"

[p38arover]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pedro_The_Swift)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga@
<!--QuoteBegin-VladTepes
Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

Better traction too :wink:
dont you mean friction :?:[/b][/quote]

Traction is what you need in slippery conditions

:wink:[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they probably leak.

Ron

[bigbugga]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"> True Definitions </span>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

[bigbugga]

You Know You're In Trouble When...

...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you the ASIO is on line 1, the Police are on line 2, and Channel 7 is on line 3.

...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

[bigbugga]

30 fun things to do when driving...

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, **** out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

[bigbugga]

[size=24]<span style="color:red">Ace
Just for you</span>


There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
<!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga@
<!--QuoteBegin-VladTepes
Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

Better traction too :wink:
dont you mean friction :?:

Traction is what you need in slippery conditions

:wink:[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they probably leak.

Ron[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they are probably the same batch made in 1942, just new packaging on the outside.

[RichardK]

http://www.aulro.com/albums/album148/Texas_A_M_News_Update.sized.jpg

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Love that bra one RichardK style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

BB: I agree with the "throw burining stuff into the car window of people who throw out cigarette butts". How Just.

[VladTepes]

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the pharmacist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,

And opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence." Says the Pharmacist

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one".