Sometimes words are irrelevant.

[DiscoMick]

Feeling frustrated after a tragedy in our family.
Life support was turned off yesterday on the 5 day old first child of our niece and partner, who had to be resuscitated at birth, was flown to Sydney, but did not recover.
Now there is to be a coronial inquiry into the circumstances, police are taking statements from those directly involved, including the mid-wife, and the body won't be released for some time for a funeral.
My brother and his family are devastated and blaming the mid-wife, but no blaming can undo what has happened.
There is literally nothing we can do but hug them from a distance. They don't want visitors. They just want to be left alone to grieve.
Words mean nothing. Very frustrating.

[spudfan]

That must have been a hard post to write. It does not matter what people say to the parents involved. You can sympatise and make all of the good wishes you can think off but right now the parents just cannot cope with that. After all of the good wishes and thoughts once they close that door they are on their own. They just cannot see a reason for this and at the moment that is all that is in their mind. What reason can there be for a beautiful child to be taken away? People will say that the "Little One" is now an angel in heaven. The parents want the "Little One" to be an angel here with them, not in heaven.
At this time all you can do is cry in unison with the parents. There will be a blackness and an emptiness in their lives. The on going investigation will just make this worse. Sometime in the future when you meet up you can just hug them and cry but there will be no answers. Words fail at this juncture.

[DiscoMick]

Thanks. Very true. It's just frustrating all round. Some things happen which have no meaning, but are just tragedies.

[RichardK]

My heart goes out to your niece and partner, we had to turn off life support of our daughter 12 years ago and it was the hardest decision we have had to make. I think that those that have gone through it are the only ones that can relate to the feelings of sadness and sorrow, the sadness will be carried throughout a parents' life.
The hurt never heals.
I wish your niece and partner every strength to carry them through.

RichardK

[BradC]

Last year we withdrew external support for our 5 year old.

Words can not convey the magnitude of grief to those that have been fortunate enough to not go through this experience and we give thanks regularly that others "don't get it".

If I may offer one thought though. Whilst they don't want visitors and want to be left alone, having someone drop off a hot meal at ~5pm every night on the door step, ring the bell and not be there when the door opens takes a considerable weight off their shoulders at a time when getting out of bed is difficult, let alone trying to function enough to keep fed. We had a friend organise a "meal train", and we didn't have to think about dinners for over a month.

It's one of those times when people ask "is there anything we can do to help" and you don't have the capacity to even begin to think about an answer. When people just step up and help, it's an amazing relief. Don't ask "what or how", just go and do anything you can that's not in their "space".

For what it's worth, our thoughts are with you all.

Edit : Oven Gloves - Advice for the newly bereaved and those who love them - Blankets and Biscuits (https://www.blanketsandbiscuits.com/oven-gloves-advice-for-the-newly-bereaved-and-those-who-love-them/)
I stumbled across this several months after it happened. She's quite the writer.

[DiscoMick]

Good suggestions there. Thanks.
Last year we withdrew external support for our 5 year old.

Words can not convey the magnitude of grief to those that have been fortunate enough to not go through this experience and we give thanks regularly that others "don't get it".

If I may offer one thought though. Whilst they don't want visitors and want to be left alone, having someone drop off a hot meal at ~5pm every night on the door step, ring the bell and not be there when the door opens takes a considerable weight off their shoulders at a time when getting out of bed is difficult, let alone trying to function enough to keep fed. We had a friend organise a "meal train", and we didn't have to think about dinners for over a month.

It's one of those times when people ask "is there anything we can do to help" and you don't have the capacity to even begin to think about an answer. When people just step up and help, it's an amazing relief. Don't ask "what or how", just go and do anything you can that's not in their "space".

For what it's worth, our thoughts are with you all.

Edit : Oven Gloves - Advice for the newly bereaved and those who love them - Blankets and Biscuits (https://www.blanketsandbiscuits.com/oven-gloves-advice-for-the-newly-bereaved-and-those-who-love-them/)
I stumbled across this several months after it happened. She's quite the writer.

[JDNSW]

I know the feeling exactly. I had a grandchild born on 13/5/08. Life support was switched off on 16/5/08.

[NavyDiver]

What can I- we say? A tear or more reading Mick! Brad you to mate.

Chatting about Mario today - Fishing was the topic- The people did not get it- Why go to the trouble I could feel the thoughts. If you breath and do not feel from what you and yours are going through your a lot tougher than I am. Cuddles to Heather !

I am glad we can feel it. I means we care Mick. The people who do not feel it can be as tough and possibly lonely as I suspect they are. Love life, Be kind and most of all never be afraid of sharing grief or pain.

[DiscoMick]

Thanks all.
BTW the oldest son got in first and had $200 of meals delivered to them. We have contributed.
We'll visit when appropriate.
It's still raw.