Jokes

[Eevo]

Two sisters, one a blond and one a brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."


The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."


Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”


The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"


The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

[Eevo]

A woman walks into the lounge room to find her husband stalking flies with a fly swatter.


"What are you doing"? she asks


"hunting flies", he replies


"Oh killing any?" she asks


"Yep 3 males & 2 females" he replies


"How can you tell the difference between the males & females?" she asks


"easy 3 were on the beer can, 2 were on the phone"

[Eevo]

I bet the YMCA dance is harder to do in chinese

[Eevo]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt


Her friend asks:


"Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"


"Oh crap!"


the blonde says.


"I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.


I thought it meant


‘Tits Go In Front!’"

[Shoogs]

A man is sitting in a diner when he asks the waitress for a ‘quickie’ she slaps him and walks off.

Shocked he turns to the old lady sitting next to him who says ‘it’s pronounced Quiche’

[RANDLOVER]

I was in a bar fight the other day, the odds were 30 to 5,
and boy did we beat the snot out of those 5.

[kenleyfred]

Did you hear about the paper boy who got caught masturbating at work?
Its all over the news

Ever been caught masturbating in the kitchen?

No?

Safe place, isn't it?

[Xtreme]

I went to the Air & Space Museum yesterday but there was nothing there

[Xtreme]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[67hardtop]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Well you will never actually die coz half of half is a quarter and half of quarter is an eighth and so on to infinity....just letting my aspergers out for a minute....

Cheers Rod

[jx2mad]

A farmer walking through the country town runs into the local vet. How are things going asked the vet. Farmer said that his cat is constipated. Vet said to give it a litre of caster oil. A couple of weeks later they met again and the vet asked how the farmers cow was going with its constipation. The farmer said it was the cat. The vet was aghast and asked if he did it. The farmer said it was a struggle but he got the litre into the cat. The vet stood there in shock and then asked what was the result. The farmer said he hasn't seen the cat for a few days, but last time he did the cat had all its mates over. six digging holes, six filling in and the rest looking for new ground.

[Fifth Columnist]

Sorry, but I need to vent !!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service last night at a shop near me, I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not in the habit of publicly trashing people or business' (Even if they DO deserve it).

Thursday afternoon I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So last night less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead then.

Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying a lottery ticket from them again.

[DiscoMick]

Student joke
Did you hear about the bloke who told a joke to a gardener, who nearly wet his plants?
Ka boom!

[Toxic_Avenger]

I met a Swahili girl on a dating site. We met up and talked for hours.
We just clicked.

[Eevo]

are dad jokes allowed?

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

[Toxic_Avenger]

I was trying to work out the ratio of promiscuous to non-promiscous women at a party. It stumped me, so I asked my friend Horatio.

[kenleyfred]

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[VladTepes]

Sorry, but I need to vent !!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service last night at a shop near me, I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not in the habit of publicly trashing people or business' (Even if they DO deserve it).

Thursday afternoon I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So last night less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead then.

Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/01/873.jpg

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying a lottery ticket from them again.

Solid gold :)

[Eevo]

What does a ********, an Anniversary & a toilet have in common


Men usually miss all 3

[Eevo]

******** that's real hard to say, some would say a bit of a tongue twister.

[Eevo]

******** that's real hard to say, some would say a bit of a tongue twister.
Yeah, I tried, but it was a bit hard. I couldn't quite get my finger on it. Perhaps my aim is off...

[Eevo]

No Nativity scene in Canberra this year ......


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.


This isn't for any religious reason.


They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . . .


The search for a Virgin continues . . . .


However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable!

[Eevo]

The other day I held a door open for a clown, it was a nice jester.

[Eevo]

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...


.. So they unplugged my Computer and threw out all my wine.

[Eevo]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.


On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,


“How much money do you make a week?”


A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”


The CEO said,”Wait right here.”


He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”


Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,


“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”


From across the room a voice said,


“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

[VladTepes]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world.

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada and Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent !

[Eevo]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'


The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'


The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'


The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'


The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[Eevo]

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"


"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"


"Thanks Dad"


"No problem Alan"

[Eevo]

An English girl is sitting on a hillside in the Highlands together with a Heelan' laddie who is wearing a kilt. Curiosity eventually gets the better of her and she asks,
"What do you Scotsmen have under your kilts?"
He replies,
"Put yer haind up under it an' find oot".
She does so, then suddenly pulls it out with a shriek,
"Ooh! It's gruesome!"


"Aye, do that agin an' it'll groo some more!"

[Eevo]

The police arrived at a murder scene to see the wife dead and the husband sitting near her with a golf club in his hand. The policeman inspected the body, and said to the husband,


"From what I can see, you killed your wife by hitting her six times with your golf club. Is that correct?"


"Yes," replied the husband, " but would you mind putting it down as a four?"

[Eevo]

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."


Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"


The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"


"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Eevo]

A mafia boss finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”


Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”


The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”


The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”


Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”


The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”


The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

[Homestar]

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"


"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"


"Thanks Dad"


"No problem Alan"

That took me longer than it should have... 😁

[Eevo]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.


Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.


In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.


The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''


''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

[Toxic_Avenger]

That took me longer than it should have... 😁

That's not how Alan's are made... [bigwhistle]

There's a joke about that... but it'd probably mean strike 3 (or maybe 4) for your's truly... :rulez:

[Eevo]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.


One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.


The Reverend wasn't happy!


He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.


"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"


"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.


When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.


The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."


The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."


The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Homestar]

That's not how Alan's are made... [bigwhistle]

There's a joke about that... but it'd probably mean strike 3 (or maybe 4) for your's truly... :rulez:

PM it to me... 😉

[Eevo]

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

[Eevo]

i dont think this one counts as religious


Two prawns were swimming in the sea one called Craig & the other Christian.


They were constantly being threatened by sharks until one day Craig said 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark & then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' Just then a large Cod appeared & said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo & behold, Craig turned into a shark. Horrified Christian swam away afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed & Craig found life as a shark lonely, all his mates swam away whenever he went close to them.


While swimming one day he saw the mysterious Cod again & he approached the Cod & begged him to change him back & lo & behold, He was turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy Craig swam to his friends, but looking around he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still upset that his best friend changed into a shark'.
Eager to put things right he set off to see Christian. He banged on the door & shouted, 'It's me Craig your old friend, come out & see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me You're a shark.'


Craig cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me, I've changed - I've found Cod & now I'm a prawn again Christian'

[Eevo]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.


Then he asks "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue!


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it".

[Shoogs]

A young bloke out on the Darling Downs was taking his fiancé for a drive out on the Warrego HWY in the direction of Roma.

When he picked her up he noticed she was wearing a really short skirt and just past Miles, he plucked up the courage to rest his hand on her knee...

Looking at him with a knowing smile, she cooed "you can go further if you want"...
.
.
.
.
.
So he drove to Longreach...

[Eevo]

Husband clutches his chest and yells “Call an ambulance! I think I’m having a heart attack!”


Wife grabs his phone, and yells “What’s your password!?”


Husband. “Never mind.....I’m feeling better now.”

[Eevo]

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed". I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

[Eevo]

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. Her name is Mandy and she’s 25.

[Eevo]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship" the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening".

[Eevo]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to Turn red.




One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.




The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"




The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from Blushing so much."




Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work.




So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.




One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"




"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Eevo]

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said,


"Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."


I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries."

[Eevo]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh" the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me..."

[Eevo]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[Eevo]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.


He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.


He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say "We can't tell you. You're not a monk". Distraught, the man is forced to leave.


Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.


The monks reply "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".


The man says "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk".


The monks reply "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk".


The man sets about his task.


After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.


"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception".


The monks reply "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound".


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says "The sound is beyond that door".


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.


Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say "This is the last key to the last door".


The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!


With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...


But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Eevo]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".


"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded.


But, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees….


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Eevo]

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says "Use the FORKS, Luke".

[Eevo]

When I was a young lad, my parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.


It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life. Like the day that I went to the council offices to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then, I said, “You don’t understand, she’s a dog.”


He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”


“No, no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5”


He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”


When I decided to get married, I told the vicar I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.


After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too”


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”


One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.


I told him, “I’m looking for Sex”. My case comes up next Tuesday.


Now that I’ve been thrown in prison, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined.


I’m in counselling, my psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.


I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.” He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog.”

[Eevo]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"


She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".


After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"


She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.


After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"


She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Eevo]

and thats the end of the joke book

[jonesfam]

Thanks Eevo.
I have been telling SWMBO most of your jokes.
I am now banned from telling her any AULRO "Joke Thread" jokes!
This under threat of her putting the D2's keys in a "Safe Place", in other words never to be found again![bigsad]

Jonesfam

[Eevo]

might have a volume 2 of the joke book...
and special edition: Dad jokes...

[Toxic_Avenger]

Eevo searched Google for "how to start a huge fire".
He got 65,000 matches.

[Eevo]

ha!

[DiscoMick]

I'm so old I can remember when rainbows were only black and white.

[Classic88]

might have a volume 2 of the joke book...
and special edition: Dad jokes...

Book or parchment/wax tablets [bigrolf]

[hodgo]

Why are camels called ships of the desert ?

[Fifth Columnist]

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there.

He said he can't complain.

[kenleyfred]

Why are camels called ships of the desert ?




Rats. Now I really want to know why camels are called ships of the desert.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Google it for the answer. I laughed harder than I'd laughed for a while reading that one [biggrin]

[Toxic_Avenger]

A Blonde is in a queue at the bus stop, wearing a tight leather skirt. When it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the impatient driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
By this time, a large Texan man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus so she could pay her fare.
The blonde was furious "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and replied, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[rick130]

Google it for the answer. I laughed harder than I'd laughed for a while reading that one [biggrin]Oldie but a goodie, I'm surprised the joke Meister that is Mitch hadn't heard it!

I still can't believe hodgo posted it!!
I think I laughed more because he actually did post it!

[Toxic_Avenger]

There is one about the arabs inventing the condom from the intestine of a goat...

[DiscoMick]

Why are camels called ships of the desert ?



I know the Aussie version of that joke, since we have lots of camels here.

[V8Ian]

Mod hat on. :spudnikhattip:
Of late some of the posts in this thread have become somewhat coarse. Please remember that this is a "G" Rated forum, and post accordingly; if it's not suitable for your daughter, wife, sister or gran, it's not suitable here.
Please remember, nothing's changed.

[Homestar]

I’d tell my Wife, Daughter, Mother and Sister in Law these jokes, but both Grans are long gone. One if them would have laughed, the other would have hit me with her cane...

[Toxic_Avenger]

Could a 'mail-order' group PM for non G-rated jokes be circulated without repercussions, if all involved were consensual?

[loanrangie]

A man walked into a bar................, he should have gone to spec savers.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar.
It's a miracle!

[pop058]

Could a 'mail-order' group PM for non G-rated jokes be circulated without repercussions, if all involved were consensual?

There is, it's called faceplant.

[Toxic_Avenger]

You didn't answer my question. And it's not clear how a faceplant relates to the sharing of jokes. Unless you meant something else entirely?
A yes or no answer will suffice, because hey, we're all vulnerable little children who need to ask permission for protection from ourselves.

[V8Ian]

No.

[pop058]

You didn't answer my question. And it's not clear how a faceplant relates to the sharing of jokes. Unless you meant something else entirely?
A yes or no answer will suffice, because hey, we're all vulnerable little children who need to ask permission for protection from ourselves.

No

[Toxic_Avenger]

Ha!
That's the biggest joke this thread has seen yet!

[Homestar]

Pretty clear answer Toxic.... 😆

[cuppabillytea]

A Dwarf waked into a bar,



Broke his bloody nose.

[Fifth Columnist]

A Dwarf waked into a bar,



Broke his bloody nose.Surely his nose wouldn't have been bloody 'til after he'd broken it?......[bighmmm]

[Toxic_Avenger]

He's not happy

[pop058]

He's not happy

that narrows it down to 6 then [biggrin]

[jx2mad]

Would he be Grumpy then?

[Fifth Columnist]

He'd be dopey if he wasn't.
Probably needed a doc.

[hodgo]

Kicked out of the petting zoo




edit
Link deleted

Did you read your link, it has the C-bomb (at least) in the opening page.

135906

[Fifth Columnist]

might have a volume 2 of the joke book...
and special edition: Dad jokes...
Is that 'cos you've used up all of the grandad jokes?...[bigwhistle]

[Fatso]

What did South Australia have before Candles .





Electricity !! [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[Classic88]

He'd be dopey if he wasn't.
Probably needed a doc.

The Seven Dwarves were in the shower feeling happy.

Happy got out so they started feeling Grumpy instead.

[Fifth Columnist]

The bank will not return calls about a 0% credit card.

They have lost all interest.

[DiscoMick]

The bank will not return calls about a 0% credit card.

They have lost all interest.
My wife just complained to the bank because they wrongly charged us one cent. This is not a joke, she really did complain.

[Eevo]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:


"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants to make love, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Toxic_Avenger]

Ahhh... the old switcheroo!

[Xtreme]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasn't perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the lawyer's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have a carport and not need one

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations are in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player

Does your wife beat you up?

No I always up before her

Is your wife a nagger?

No she white

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me.

She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it says:

POLISH REMOVER!!!!!

[Chenz]

A fellow escapes from a mental institution and is on the run from the authorities. To try and get away he jumps some back fences and bumps into a couple of women hanging their washing with very little on. He has his way with them and then runs off as the sound of sirens is getting closer.

The news reporters arrive and the next day the headline reads





Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

[Toxic_Avenger]

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?



They vote.

[gofish]

I recently put a strobe light in the bedroom. Now when I have sex with my wife it looks like she's moving.

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/02/272.jpg

[Bytemrk]

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password.




It's not stoganoff [bighmmm]

[pop058]

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password.




It's not stoganoff [bighmmm]

IT joke, right [biggrin]

[LRT]

IT joke, right [biggrin]

I don’t get it...[emoji848]

[cripesamighty]

It’s a play on words. Original meaning would be IT password is not ‘strong enough’ so need to make it less easily hackable.....rather than edible!

[gofish]

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee. "Sitting Bull," He asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs ****ing?".....oldie but a goodie sorry :blush:

[gofish]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"

[pop058]

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee. "Sitting Bull," He asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs ****ing?".....oldie but a goodie sorry :blush:


Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"


Been sent a warning or even an infraction for Dodging the Swear Filter lately?

The Mods understand you are trying to do the right thing and that most of you realise the sites continued existance relies on its G rating.
So,


Just Type The Word

we dont care what it is, (though its meaning may need to be considered--)

Just Type The Word


and let the Swear Filter do its job.
One less thing for us all to worry about.

[gofish]

Been sent a warning or even an infraction for Dodging the Swear Filter lately?

The Mods understand you are trying to do the right thing and that most of you realise the sites continued existance relies on its G rating.
So,


Just Type The Word

we dont care what it is, (though its meaning may need to be considered--)

Just Type The Word


and let the Swear Filter do its job.
One less thing for us all to worry about.

Sorry about that. Noted & understood. Thanks.

[RANDLOVER]

I hate it when my wife uses my razor to shave her back hair!

[Fifth Columnist]

¡uᴉɐƃɐ ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ƃuᴉʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,I

[jx2mad]

I cant get my computer into the bathroom. The lead is not long enough!

[Toxic_Avenger]

A man named Joe sees the doctor for his chronic headaches
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/02/398.jpg

[Eevo]

Two caterpillars are chewing away happily on a leaf, when they see a butterfly fly close by.
"Isn't progress wonderful?" says one. The other replies "I suppose so... but you'll never get me up in one of those"

[Eevo]

Paddy and Mick were looking for work, walking past a timber yard there was a sign out the front "tree fellers wanted", Ah tis a pity Mick that there's only two of us"



Mike and Mick are walking past the newsagents where there is a poster advertising the latest headlines which reads
"two men wanted for $4 million bank job"......Mike says to Mick.....would you look at that, some blokes get all the good jobs.

[Eevo]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.


She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and an 80-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[Eevo]

A highly successful Manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.


He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.


"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".


"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"


"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.


One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

[Eevo]

Survey results on Friendship are out now:


1- 88% wives hate their
husband's friends..


2- 98% husbands love their
wife's friends...


Men are so much kinder & open minded.

[Eevo]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the
newscaster says "Six Brazilian men die in a sky diving accident."


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "Thats horrible."
Confused, he replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."


After a few minutes, the blonde still sobbing says,
"How many is a Brazilian?"

[Eevo]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately
explain the difference between these two words.


In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.


The final question was:How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.


*Here is his astute answer:-*


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!


He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year
old Scotch!

[Eevo]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, Ären’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…and I know he won’t ask for directions.

[Eevo]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.




Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.




The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."




Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.




Below are 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?




1. Who the hell is this?






2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?






3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?






4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?






5. I don't understand what you mean?






6. What the hell did you do now?






7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?






8. Am I dreaming?






9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.






10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.






11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?






Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?

[Fifth Columnist]

Gawd, this joke book's worse than the last one! [wink11]

[Eevo]

Gawd, this joke book's worse than the last one! [wink11]


and not G rated according to Ian.

[pop058]

and not G rated according to Ian.

The G rating is a forum thing, don't blame the messenger.

[Eevo]

The G rating is a forum thing, don't blame the messenger.


so who's to blame for the lack of consistency in the standards?

[pop058]

so who's to blame for the lack of consistency in the standards?

In reality, you are partially responsible for posting material that you know does not conform to the guidelines. The volunteers that Mod this place are only human and have enough to do without you deliberately creating more work.

[Eevo]

In reality, you are partially responsible for posting material that you know does not conform to the guidelines. The volunteers that Mod this place are only human and have enough to do without you deliberately creating more work.

i'm not intentionally posting jokes that are against the rules. when it comes to jokes, there is a large interpretation factor.

[Gordie]

i'm not intentionally posting jokes that are against the rules. when it comes to jokes, there is a large interpretation factor.To be fair mate...there was a couple that you posted, eg the womans organs and the vase for flowers...and I am no prude...but you wouldn't tell that one if there were kids in earshot...

[V8Ian]

i'm not intentionally posting jokes that are against the rules. when it comes to jokes, there is a large interpretation factor.
IF IN DOUBT, LEAVE IT OUT.

[BMKal]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday, I was at the local Woolworths Store buying a large bag of "My Dog" dog food for my loyal pet, and was in the queue at the checkout when the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - a bloody elephant ???

So, since I get annoyed easily these days by stupid people asking stupid questions, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog - I was starting on the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time - but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is that you load your pockets with My Dog nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try the diet again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the bloke behind her in the queue was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

[Eevo]

IF IN DOUBT, LEAVE IT OUT.

I cant hear you, please shout louder.

[Fifth Columnist]

136494

[landy]

Star Trek legend William Shatner is disappointed that his new line of women's underwear has failed to launch.
It is reported that he is rethinking 'Shatner Panties' as a clothing brand.

[Eevo]

What do you call a drunk ghost?
A methylated spirit

[350RRC]

136494

Old stock.

DL

[Eevo]

A sky diver jumped out of an airplane into the fog and mist

[Eevo]

I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years. So he has nothing to chauffeur it






My wife said I'm too controlling.
And it wasn't even her turn to speak...







I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair.

[Eevo]

How does a blind skydiver know they’re about to land?


The lead goes slack.

[Eevo]

Emergency services were called to an incident yesterday. Two men were involved, one had drunk battery acid and the other had swallowed a firework. The police charged one and let the other one off.

[Eevo]

All the dogs have escaped from the pound.....


Police media say they have no leads

[Eevo]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.


A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".

[DiscoMick]

How can it be that each year about 400,000 Americans are injured by their bedding or beds. Seriously - what do Americans do in or near their beds?
Another 40,000 Americans are injured by their clothing. Underpants haematoma? Compound pyjama fracture? Or do they just strangle each other with their clothing?
You will no doubt relieved to know that only one American was injured by a moose coming through his windscreen. No doubt the mooses (meese?) of America were also pleased.

[Fifth Columnist]

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

[cuppabillytea]

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
Well you got that write....................He said sheepishly.

[tact]

Well you got that write....................He said sheepishly.


EWE! [tonguewink]

[Ancient Mariner]

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
Weather your rite or wrong doesn't matter

[gusthedog]

It's a write of passage...

[Bytemrk]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".....

[jonesfam]

SWMBO idea of a joke.

I drove back from Mt Isa & got 2 bloody great stone chips in the windscreen from some clown with a boat trailer thinking a rough dirt road was a race track.

I came out to go to work the next morning & SWMBO had put 2 potato chips on my windscreen wipers.

We (Disco & I) were NOT amused.

Jonesfam
PS About time she got me back for some of the crap I give her.

[123rover50]

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "my point exactly."

[DiscoMick]

It's a write of passage...Did you rite that write?

[gusthedog]

Did you rite that write?At least it wasn't wright. That would just be weird [emoji23]

[DiscoMick]

Righto then.
Isn't English spelling wonderful.

[tc_s1]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a d****d thing.'

[Fifth Columnist]

Easter Day and April Fools Day are on the same day.
So, send the kids on an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

[V8Ian]

Easter Day and April Fools Day are on the same day.
So, send the kids on an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.
Tell the rabbit.

[AllTerr]

Easter Day and April Fools Day are on the same day.
So, send the kids on an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.I've done that before...

[cuppabillytea]

I was at work instead of Cooma. I guess that's pretty foolish.[bigsad]

[RANDLOVER]

My wife has a uni-brow/mono-brow, actually she has two, but shaves the one under her nose.

[jonesfam]

Women have no sense of humour!

Last night at diner 1 of the kids didn't eat his bread crust.
I said "Finish your diner & eat your crust."
He said "I don't want to get more curly hair."
I said "That's an old wives tail, hang on I'll check with an expert, Darling will eating crust give you OWWWWW!"

I'm sure the bruises will heal & staunching the blood wasn't as difficult as it first looked.

Jonesfam

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/04/284.jpg

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/04/283.jpg

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/04/282.jpg

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2018/04/285.jpg

[Fifth Columnist]

Police are looking for a man who is refusing to update his PDF reader.

He's described as 37, single, with no fixed adobe.

[Tins]

Not a joke, but a recommendation. Find a way to get the Aussie film "That's not my dog". Some of the best jokes ever, told by masters. It's hilarious. Just don't watch it with the kids, or anyone not broadminded.

[Tins]

Been sent a warning or even an infraction for Dodging the Swear Filter lately?

The Mods understand you are trying to do the right thing and that most of you realise the sites continued existance relies on its G rating.
So,


Just Type The Word

we dont care what it is, (though its meaning may need to be considered--)

Just Type The Word


and let the Swear Filter do its job.
One less thing for us all to worry about.

Please, I'm not looking for trouble, this is a serious question: What is the difference between me typing **** and the swear filter typing ****?

I will obey the rules, but I would really like to know.

[Bytemrk]

John,

No difference between you typing **** and the swear filter typing ****

But typing F$#!@ is against the long standing rule the forum has about dodging the swear filter.... so we simply ask people if they need to swear to type the actual word. If the system considers it bad enough it will convert it to ****.

That is simply how the rules have been ever since I joined ( which was quite a long time ago [wink11] )

[Bytemrk]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this Flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few Bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length!!.. [biggrin]

[vnx205]

Please, I'm not looking for trouble, this is a serious question: What is the difference between me typing **** and the swear filter typing ****?

I will obey the rules, but I would really like to know.

I think there may also be an issue with people replacing some of the letters with symbols, numerals or punctuation that look so much like the original that the word isn't really disguised.

So rather than risk having something that still looks remarkably like the original swear word, it is safer to let the filter do the job.

[Tins]

John,

No difference between you typing **** and the swear filter typing ****

But typing F$#!@ is against the long standing rule the forum has about dodging the swear filter.... so we simply ask people if they need to swear to type the actual word. If the system considers it bad enough it will convert it to ****.

That is simply how the rules have been ever since I joined ( which was quite a long time ago [wink11] )

Ahh, I'd forgotten about the whole top row of the keyboard. It still doesn't make sense to me, as it is obvious a swear word was intended, but thanks for the clarity.

BTW, don't exaggerate. It's only 14 1/2 years. I was 50 then, doesn't seem that long ago.....[bigsad]

[Bytemrk]

BTW, don't exaggerate. It's only 14 1/2 years.


It is too!...... I wonder if the boss will give me long service leave at 15 years...........



DAVE.......[biggrin]

[V8Ian]

John, the offense is dodging the swear filter, not swearing.

[Tins]

John, the offense is dodging the swear filter, not swearing.

Yes mate, I get that. I was merely looking for clarity.

[Homestar]

Yes mate, I get that. I was merely looking for clarity.

Here you go... Oh, wait - I'm not wearing my glasses...

[Tins]

Here you go... Oh, wait - I'm not wearing my glasses...

Ooh, you tease.... Don't send that to GreyGhost.

[Eevo]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once...going twice

[cuppabillytea]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once...going twice
You'll be better when you're gone.[thumbsupbig]

[Fifth Columnist]

A woman is at a relative's funeral when a stranger whispers in her ear:

”Would you mind if I said a word?”

”Not at all, please go ahead”

”Plethora” he said.

”Thank you” she replied, “that means a lot”

[Fifth Columnist]

I went to a Kleptomaniac's Anonymous meeting earlier. All the seats were taken.

[Fifth Columnist]

Mr Cyclops: "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife: (biting lip).. "I think you need two 'i's."

Mr Cyclops: (puts pen down angrily)...
"My life is just a joke to you isn't it!"

[cuppabillytea]

Not wishing to be too pedantic; I doubt that Mr Cyclops would have access to a pen and would not have known of Hawaii.
Did Mrs Cyclops only have one lip?

[RANDLOVER]

I always give 100% at work, 5% on Mon, 12% on Tues, 38% on Wed, 35% on Thu, and 10% on Friday.

[bob10]

From Westprint Friday 5.


A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how I can make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all! If anything, you've only delayed my trip further." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

[kelvo]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

[bob10]

From Westprint Friday 5.


Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

[Fifth Columnist]

I’ve accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.

I’m dreading my next vowel movement.

[hodgo]

139862

[Eevo]

My neighbor knocked at my door at 3am this morning. Can you believe it??? 3am!!! 😧🤬


Luckily I was still up playing my drums

[carjunkieanon]

My neighbor knocked at my door at 3am this morning. Can you believe it??? 3am!!! 😧🤬


Luckily I was still up playing my drums

I was up playing my bagpipes.

[rick130]

I was up playing my bagpipes.

That's grounds for justifiable homicide! [bigwhistle]

[67hardtop]

That's grounds for justifiable homicide! [bigwhistle]Definatly!!

[Fifth Columnist]

“I want to win 10 million on the lottery, just like my dad did!”

“OMG, your dad won 10 million on the lottery?”

“No, but he always wanted to.”

[VladTepes]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[67hardtop]

What kind of tea do babies drink.....tit tea

[Fifth Columnist]

My mum walked into my room and said “You’ll go blind if you do that!”

I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.

[DiscoMick]

Scotland's oldest woman, Jessie Gallen, died recently aged 109. Asked the secret of her long life, she replied: "Stay away from men - they're more trouble than they're worth!"

[Fatso]

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from then it dawned on me !! .

[Bytemrk]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted. [biggrin]

[DiscoMick]

Student joke.
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom.
Ka boom!

[Fatso]

The early bird might get the worm , but the second mouse gets the cheese . [wink11]

[bob10]

If you can start the day without caffeine,If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,If you can face the world without lies and deceit,If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without liquor,If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,Then you are probably a dog

[Homestar]

I bought a cheap Thesuarus today. It was terrible. It was also - terrible.

[Homestar]

I joined a Tourettes group today - took them 4 hours to swear me in.

[Homestar]

I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew how much their invention wouod take off?

[Tins]

Is French oral as good as it sounds?

[Fatso]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep , like my Grandfather . Not screaming and yelling like the passangers in his car .

[hodgo]

140173

[DiscoMick]

Something I read today:
The USA Marines - the most effective method ever invented for killing Americans.

[Tins]

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password.




It's not stoganoff [bighmmm]

Shame about the errant 'r', Mark. Coulda been funny else....

[Eevo]

while we're on dad jokes..

Why did the Wombat cross the road?
He wanted to see his flatmate


How do you trap a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice. Put peas around it. When the polar comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

[Eevo]

There was an english language competition.


200 people were participating.


Challenge was to show PEACEFULNESS, HAPPINESS AND
CALMNESS in one sentence.


Only one person got award.


He wrote ......,


*"MY WIFE IS SLEEPING"*


Judges hugged him with excitement while presenting the award

[Eevo]

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[Eevo]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"


Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".


Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"


Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?"

[superquag]

The early bird might get the worm , but the second mouse gets the cheese . [wink11]

- The Early worm gets eaten...

[Eevo]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Eevo]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

[Eevo]

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore". "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since" replied Jack. "That must be expensive". Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month". Jack told him. "$5,000!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem".

[Eevo]

Wife - I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything...?


Husband - No, That's enough

[Eevo]

A drunk little Irishman walks into a cafe and orders breakfast. He says to the waitress, I want my toast burnt and cold with cold butter smashed into it. I want the bacon charcoaled beyond recognition and the eggs barely cooked and all runny and gooey. And the coffee needs to be cold and stale. The waitress looks shocked and kindly says to him "Sorry sir, we don't serve food like that" He looks puzzled and in a drunken slur says, "Why not?, you did yesterday"

[DiscoMick]

Student joke:
Q: Why did the cops wake a sleeping child?
A: They thought there had been a kidnapping.

[Fatso]

If 4 out 5 suffer from Diarrhea..... Does that mean one enjoys it ? [bigsad]

[austastar]

Yep, but it runs in their genes.
Cheers

[DiscoMick]

Student joke.

Q: Why did the wombat bring toilet paper to the party?
A: He was a party-pooper!

[Fatso]

I got into a fight once with a real big bloke , and he said , "i am going to mop the flore with your face " , i siad , "you,ll be sorry"' , he said , "oh yeah why" ? , i said , "well you wont be able to get into the corners very well " .

[Disco-tastic]

Joke from my 4yr old:

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the mooooooovies.

:) :) :)

[carjunkieanon]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting...
"MOO"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting co-efficient of friction.
Interrupting co-efficient of...
"muuuu"

[Fatso]

To err is Human , to blame it somebody shows managment potential .

[Disco-tastic]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting...
"MOO"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting co-efficient of friction.
Interrupting co-efficient of...
"muuuu"I'd seen this version of it:
YouTube (https://youtu.be/bn1-M5Ze0p8)

[DiscoMick]

Q: A male apprentice butcher is 21. He has been an apprentice butcher for 4 years. What does he weigh?



Wait for it...




A: He weighs... meat!

[Fatso]

A computer once beat me at Chess , but it was no match for me at kick boxing .

[Ancient Mariner]

YouTube (https://youtu.be/JMJhOSdxQVg)

[BMKal]

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

[Eevo]

Man: Hey Google, tell my wife that I cant make for the dinner with her parents.


Google Assistant: Okay, will do.


After sometime...


Google Assistant: Next time, you talk to your wife yourself..

[hodgo]

140634

[Fifth Columnist]

I have a speed bump phobia.


But I’m slowly getting over it.

[Fifth Columnist]

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters.

Ten long miserable years.

[Eevo]

If you've not done it before, I'd highly recommend you try blindfold archery.


You don't know what you're missing.

[hodgo]

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

[bob10]

From the Friday five.


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

[superquag]

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters.

Ten long miserable years.

Actually, they don't... and THAT's the joke ...

[RANDLOVER]

It just feels like ten extra years!

[Fifth Columnist]

Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?

[donh54]

Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?Yeah, they really suck!

[cuppabillytea]

And they refuse to work day shifts.

[Bytemrk]

People are always amazed at the skilled Tattoo Artists in Spain.


No one expects the Spanish ink precision...[bighmmm]

[jx2mad]

I am inquisitive about that!

[Xtreme]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.He follows the
dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots
across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on
the bench.When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus
travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he
stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path,takes a big
run,and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and
again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks
repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog .
The butcher runs up screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!

”The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.

It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Fatso]

Laugh at your problems , everybody else does . [bigrolf]

[Fatso]

My psychiatrist told me i was crazy and i said i want a second opinion . He said okay, your ugly too . [bigsad]