Jokes

[Eevo]

What's on page 57 on a Yugo car manual:
-the bus table

[Eevo]

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.


Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".


The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"


Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

[Eevo]

A Russian man told me he said
"as a young boy growing up in Russia, we only had two channels on TV. First channel was about Russian propaganda. How great leader Joseph Stalin was. The Second channel was a KGB officer threatening you to change it back to the first channel.

[Eevo]

for those of you not understanding, half of these are russian jokes and the other half, are russian jokes. [bigwhistle]

[Eevo]

USA
Barbershop


The barber cuts the client's hair:
— What are your vacation plans, fella?, he asks
"I want to visit Moscow —" client replies.
- Moscow!.... This dirty, smelly city, where garbage is not cleaned and bandits and bears walk along the street! Are you mad?! Don't you dare!
— I'm going anyway. After all, my grandparents once lived there!
— What airlines do you fly on? - the barber asks.
- Aeroflot! - he answers.
- Oh my god, these are the most disgusting airlines. Planes stink of kerosene, it's terribly crowded and the food is disgusting. Also, you are guaranteed to be a couple of hours late.
— And yet I'm going!
— Well, okay, and in which hotel will you stay in Moscow?
- In "Russia"!
- What a nightmare! There are a lot of prostitutes, high prices, cockroaches and disgusting staff all around.
— I'm going, anyway!
— And what will you do in Moscow???
— I want to go to the Lenin Mausoleum!
— ??? There is a huuuge queue, lots of cops and metal detectors everywhere. It's disgusting!
- Nothing will stop me! - the client replies.


A couple of months after the trip, he comes back to the barber shop.


- Hi, buddy, - says the barber, - how was the trip? Did I tell you the truth about Moscow?
— You know, I really liked Moscow. They have a new mayor and he has put things in order there. Everything is clean, there is no crime and no bears!
— How was Aeroflot? Bad as I said?
- Not really. The plane was almost empty, so we were transferred to first class. The food was excellent and the flight attendant was a very nice and pretty girl.
—At least the hotel is trash, isn't it?!
- They recently made renovation and there was a week of discounts, so I lived in a luxury suite! And I haven't seen any cockroaches.
— But have you seen Lenin?
- Oh yeah, and it was unbelievable. I was standing in line, suddenly a man came up, took me aside and said that their scientists had just made a miracle and were able to revive Lenin and that he wanted to talk to someone from the crowd. And they chose me!
- God, I can't believe my ears! And what did Lenin tell you?..


- ...Well, just a few words: "comrrrade, who gave you this ****ed up hairrrcut???

[Eevo]

Obama, Putin and Iohannis (president of Romania) go to God to ask him when their people will be happy.


Obama is the first to go and ask God:
"God, when my people will be be happy?"
God answers:
- In 10-15 years.
Obama starts crying:
"I'll be old in the meantime, and I won't be able to enjoy it with him."


Now it was Putin's turn.


He asks God when his people will be happy and God tells him that in half a century.


Putin also began to cry. God asks him why he is crying, to which he answers:
"In 50 years I will be dead and I will not be able to rejoice with my people."


Finally, Iohannis also asks:


"God, when will my people be happy?"


God starts crying and Iohannis asks him why he is crying.


God answers:
"Because then I won't be able to rejoice with your people either!"

[4bee]

Obama, Putin and Iohannis (president of Romania) go to God to ask him when their people will be happy.


Obama is the first to go and ask God:
"God, when my people will be be happy?"
God answers:
- In 10-15 years.
Obama starts crying:
"I'll be old in the meantime, and I won't be able to enjoy it with him."


Now it was Putin's turn.


He asks God when his people will be happy and God tells him that in half a century.


Putin also began to cry. God asks him why he is crying, to which he answers:
"In 50 years I will be dead and I will not be able to rejoice with my people."


Finally, Iohannis also asks:


"God, when will my people be happy?"


God starts crying and Iohannis asks him why he is crying.


God answers:
"Because then I won't be able to rejoice with your people either!"




Sounds like Eevo has found an old Eastern Bloc Joke book amongst the cockroaches & Prossies.


I bet Sash has the accompanying volume of bad photos that goes with it..:Rolling::Rolling:

[Fifth Columnist]

Wow! Some of those jokes are even older than I am.

[V8Ian]

Wow! Some of those jokes are even older than I am.
Handed down on tablets of stone, Laurie? [wink11]

[sashadidi]

Sounds like Eevo has found an old Eastern Bloc Joke book amongst the cockroaches & Prossies.


I bet Sash has the accompanying volume of bad photos that goes with it..:Rolling::Rolling: Heading off to the Soviet joke archives as we speak......[smilebigeye]

[4bee]

Heading off to the Soviet joke archives as we speak......[smilebigeye]


[bigrolf] That probably won't take you long then Sash.

[sashadidi]

173455

[sashadidi]

173456

[sashadidi]

Not sure if this should be here or in the Covid thread

173457

[sashadidi]

173458

[sashadidi]

173459

[sashadidi]

Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.

[sashadidi]

The soviet sparrow flew to the west.
What,is the food bad in the soviet union?asked the western sparrow
No ,as much as you like. Nowhere is there as much grain scattered on the ground as there.
So why are you here?
I wanted to chirp!

[Fifth Columnist]

Handed down on tablets of stone, Laurie? [wink11]
That's about it Ian [smilebigeye]

[V8Ian]

That's about it Ian [smilebigeye]
I'm fast catching you up mate, when first our paths crossed, I was half your age, now I'm three quarters. [tonguewink]

[RANDLOVER]

I heard this on QI the other night, apparently in the 1920's Lord Iveagh the head of the Guinness brewing family, was rushed to hospital after an accident. In order to determine if he was eligible for free medical treatment, they asked him "Do you earn more than eleven thousand pounds?" he replied "Some days I do, some days I don't".

[spudfan]

Before the wife got her driving licence she used to cycle everywhere. She had a sign on the back of the bike which read "ATTENTION. WIDE LOAD".

[Hogarthde]

Is there a discount for Accident and Emergency admissions this week Spud?

[V8Ian]

I think he got a season pass, Dave. [biggrin]

[jx2mad]

Lifetime membership.

[4bee]

I heard this on QI the other night, apparently in the 1920's Lord Iveagh the head of the Guinness brewing family, was rushed to hospital after an accident. In order to determine if he was eligible for free medical treatment, they asked him "Do you earn more than eleven thousand pounds?" he replied "Some days I do, some days I don't".




Was he Jewish? No, not Spud, the bloke from Guinness.

[spudfan]

I don't like Guinness as it has a bad effect on me...it makes me drunk.
I don't need to be drunk in order to say or do silly things.

[Gav 110]

I don't like Guinness as it has a bad effect on me...it makes me drunk.
I don't need to be drunk in order to say or do silly things.

I find the drunker I get the less sillier I become 🤪[emoji39]🥴
I tend to fall over and pass out[emoji43]*[emoji94][emoji42]

[Gav 110]

Life a funny thing, your trying to avoid people that have seen you naked, meanwhile trying to find new people to see you naked

[4bee]

I find the drunker I get the less sillier I become 🤪[emoji39]🥴
I tend to fall over and pass out[emoji43]*[emoji94][emoji42]



I reckon Shakespeare used that in one of his plays but don't ask which one.

[Gav 110]

I reckon Shakespeare used that in one of his plays but don't ask which one.

Shakespeare???
Who the hell is Shakespeare????

[gavinwibrow]

Shakespeare???
Who the hell is Shakespeare????


The angry native!

[4bee]

Shakespeare???
Who the hell is Shakespeare????



This geezer, no matter how one spells his name, he was The Bard.






William Shakespeare, Shakespeare also spelled Shakspere, byname Bard of Avon or Swan of Avon, (baptized April 26, 1564, Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire, England—died April 23, 1616, Stratford-upon-Avon), English poet, dramatist, and actor often called the English national poet and considered by many to be the ...



Do you know of another?

[bigrolf]

[cripesamighty]

He obviously gets around. I think he makes fishing rods and reels too...

[Gav 110]

Double post

[Gav 110]

The angry native!

I thought that was a fella named Clive

[4bee]

He obviously gets around. I think he makes fishing rods and reels too...



Well he was no slouch when it came to furrinees seeing the amount of stuff he produced.


He was working from home well before it became popular in the 2020s

[V8Ian]

He also made aerials on the side, or was that his brother?

[4bee]

He also made aerials on the side, or was that his brother?



I guess it would have been a short jump from Rods to Whip aerials. But not in the 1700s something.
[bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

I guess it would have been a short jump from Rods to Whip aerials. But not in the 1700s something.
[bigrolf]
Younger brother? [bighmmm]

[PhilipA]

Not really a joke but follows the soviet line and is true.
When I was in KL in the 80s we used to have Trade Commissioner get togethers from most countries and the Russian bloke who was agent for Baltic Shipping( I think) anyway the Soviet Union shipping line.

He used to greet us with Welcome Comrades on behalf of the Glorious Soviet Union etc etc .

Anyway then a book came out which named a lot of CIA agents and KGB agents and lo and behold there he was.

Next time we met we rubbished him quite a bit and he took it in good stride.

BUT the weird thing was his way of speaking had completely changed.
Instead of all the comrades crap he spoke quite normally and shared the joke that he would have to get a new job .

It taught me something in that people will carry on a charade for a large part of their life in order to survive and in his case prosper.
Regards PhilipA

[4bee]

Not really a joke but follows the soviet line and is true.
When I was in KL in the 80s we used to have Trade Commissioner get togethers from most countries and the Russian bloke who was agent for Baltic Shipping( I think) anyway the Soviet Union shipping line.

He used to greet us with Welcome Comrades on behalf of the Glorious Soviet Union etc etc .

Anyway then a book came out which named a lot of CIA agents and KGB agents and lo and behold there he was.

Next time we met we rubbished him quite a bit and he took it in good stride.

BUT the weird thing was his way of speaking had completely changed.
Instead of all the comrades crap he spoke quite normally and shared the joke that he would have to get a new job .

It taught me something in that people will carry on a charade for a large part of their life in order to survive and in his case prosper.
Regards PhilipA



"BUGGER" says Sash "Rumbled/Sussed"[bigrolf]

[Fifth Columnist]

He also made aerials on the side, or was that his brother?

Nah! His brother made them on the roof.

[4bee]

Nah! His brother made them on the roof.



.....or for mounting on the roof as in "Roof Mounted Antenna" but it would apparently work better on the roof because of it's improved Ground Plane Characteristics.[biggrin]



Bloody Shakespeare, causing all sorts of strife instead of sticking to the written Word. [bigrolf]

[BradC]

Shakespeare???
Who the hell is Shakespeare????

Wasn't he the hunter with Parkinsons?

[Gav 110]

Nah! His brother made them on the roof.

Who made them for the bull bar??

[sashadidi]

173521

[sashadidi]

173522

[sashadidi]

173523

[windsock]

173521

The hard taste of irony.

[Gav 110]

The garbologist was doing his usual round and noticed that one of the houses that hadn’t had it’s bin out for a few months, was occupied again
As he came up to the house, the front door opened and a bloke walks out
He stopped the truck and yells out
“Hey buddy, where’s your bin”
The house occupant replies
“I bin on holiday”
The driver, a bit dumbfounded from the response says
“Nah, your BIN. Where’s your bin”
The occupant replies
“Like I says, I bin on holiday”
The truck driver, getting a bit frustrated says
“Where’s your wheely bin”
The occupant thinks he’s been sprung and says
“I wheely bin in jail, but I just tell people I bin on holiday”



*Joke modified to make it indiscriminative

[4bee]

The garbologist was doing his usual round and noticed that one of the houses that hadn’t had it’s bin out for a few months, was occupied again
As he came up to the house, the front door opened and a bloke walks out
He stopped the truck and yells out
“Hey buddy, where’s your bin”
The house occupant replies
“I bin on holiday”
The driver, a bit dumbfounded from the response says
“Nah, your BIN. Where’s your bin”
The occupant replies
“Like I says, I bin on holiday”
The truck driver, getting a bit frustrated says
“Where’s your wheely bin”
The occupant thinks he’s been sprung and says
“I wheely bin in jail, but I just tell people I bin on holiday”



*Joke modified to make it indiscriminative

A variation to that was the garbo knocking on the door & asking the lady of the house, Where's your bin"

LotH. I'se bin on the bed with my lover,wheres you bin?"

[sashadidi]

173673

[sashadidi]

173674

[sashadidi]

173684

[Gav 110]

When I was younger, panic buying was when the barman called last drinks[emoji481]

[4bee]

When I was younger, panic buying was when the barman called last drinks[emoji481]



That was about 5:50pm here. Just in time for the "six o'clock swill" as it was known here. Maybe other places as well.

[windsock]

That was about 5:50pm here. Just in time for the "six o'clock swill" as it was known here. Maybe other places as well.

Yep, was an NZ thing also. Happy! Happy! Happy!

https://www.parliament.nz/media/4451/happiness-depends-on-the-home.jpg

[V8Ian]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers 'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.'
'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.'
'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.'
The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will
Donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it.'
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'
'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.

'We're losing the Bakers Delight account.'

[d2dave]

I bumped into a bloke the other day and he told me he was pumping helium into animals.

I said "whatever floats your goat".

[d2dave]

Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light globe.

A. You can unscrew a light globe.

[d2dave]

My uncle went from being a 20 stone body builder to a 9 stone weakling in 6 weeks. He was later presented with atrophy.

Reminds me of this one.

Q. What turns a 9 stone weakling into a man of steel.

A. Polio.

[sashadidi]

173779

[Xtreme]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Woolies when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess Iwasn't paying attention to where I was going."



The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom......wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours."

[Xtreme]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.




"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[sashadidi]

173855

[sashadidi]

173856

[V8Ian]

173855
Well, James? [biggrin]

[sashadidi]

Well, James? [biggrin] he can come to Russia one day and we can run with the bears as a new challange...[bigsmile1]

[Saitch]

173855

Well, you wouldn't be bloody walking, would you!

[4bee]

173779

Better late than never.

[V8Ian]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What you doing?" she asked,
"Hunting flies," he replied,
"Oh, have you killed any?"
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he answers proudly
Intrigued, the Wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
Husband says "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[spudfan]

A man and woman had been married for more than 63 years. They'd shared everything. They'd talked about everything. They'd kept no secrets from each other except that herself had a shoe box in the top of the wardrobe and she'd warned her husband never to open or ask her about it.
For all of their 63 years, he'd never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and the doctor said she would take time to heal.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling €95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The husband was so moved, he had to fight back the tears.
Only two little dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
"Oh darlin" he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she answered, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls".

[sashadidi]

173912

[sashadidi]

173913

[4bee]

173912 Has get up & go turned into a get up & do bugger all?
Some folk have no ambition.[biggrin]

[OldGuy]

Has get up & go turned into a get up & do bugger all?
Some folk have no ambition.[biggrin]

I suppose you could say, at least that person (being politically correct here) is honest!!

[4bee]

I suppose you could say, at least that person (being politically correct here) is honest!!



[bigrolf]We'd all better check our windows

[67hardtop]

Pinched of another site. Couldn't stop laughing...https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210926/8f399cfd49e382684f2956b633a71bde.jpg

[350RRC]

True story..............

A woman I know has a daughter (6yo at the time) who found a toy in one of mum's drawers.

She asked 'what's this big pencil for'?

Mother's response: 'for drawing big pictures'. [bigrolf]


Same daughter had long fingernails.

I said 'you should cut them before you pick your nose again'.

She said 'how do you know that I pick my nose............... awwwwww'! [bigrolf]

DL

[spudfan]

The wife and how she looked on our wedding day and the wife how she looks getting ready for bed today...

[4bee]

The wife and how she looked on our wedding day and the wife how she looks getting ready for bed today...



Jeeessuuuuz Spud! You really do flirt with death some days, or maybe you really do have a death wish. Got an address for us to send flowers?[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

173991

[sashadidi]

173992

[spudfan]

Jeeessuuuuz Spud! You really do flirt with death some days, or maybe you really do have a death wish. Got an address for us to send flowers?[bigrolf]

I was thinking of auditioning to be the next James Bond..
The irony of the situation is that there are times when I need the wife's help to upload stuff to Aulro. The above post being an example. I got the Mrs to upload the photos but I added the text when she left the room[biggrin], Yep I think I am definately Bond material.

[RANDLOVER]

A multi-millionaire realises that at the price of tradies today it would be cheaper to hire a prostitute than a painter to paint his verandah, so he jumps in is new flash sportscar and drives down to the local red light district and hires a young lady.
When he gets back he asks, "So your fee covers any unusual requests?" she answers "Yes" so he says, "Well here's some paint I want you to paint my porch out the front" about an hour later she comes back inside and he asks "All done?" she replies "Yes and by the way it is Ferrari not a Porsche".

[sashadidi]

174027

[4bee]

I was thinking of auditioning to be the next James Bond..
The irony of the situation is that there are times when I need the wife's help to upload stuff to Aulro. The above post being an example. I got the Mrs to upload the photos but I added the text when she left the room[biggrin], Yep I think I am definately Bond material.


As I recall James wasn't that devious so you have a head start.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

174052

[spudfan]

Things are looking bad in the UK.....

[sashadidi]

174073

[sashadidi]

Things are looking bad in the UK.....
174074

[spudfan]

Latest developments.

[Saitch]

...
174102

[Gravy]

Fact

A very self-important Yuppie was attending a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the flea said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and....," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the flea's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young .... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****head, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was deafening.
I just love senior citizens!

[sashadidi]

174111

[Saitch]

...
https://www.facebook.com/100049003583876/videos/1057174455043072

[sashadidi]

174262

[sashadidi]

174263

[sashadidi]

174269

[350RRC]

174269

I gently convinced the relevant department that they weren't adhering to their stated goals, strategies and objectives which were essentially identical to those of the lobster industry I was exec for.

Led to a golden era of co-operation and various changes beneficial to both parties and the wider community.

DL

[sashadidi]

174283

[DeeJay]

174292

174293

[DeeJay]

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Don't be so superstitious.”
“He's probably just hibernating.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I'll get a world record for this.”
“I'll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“I'm making a citizen's arrest.”
“It's fireproof.”
“It's probably just a rash.”
“It's strong enough for both of us.”
“I've done this before.”
“I've seen this done on TV.”
“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Nice doggie.”
“Now watch this...”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“So, you're a cannibal...”
“That's odd.”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“This doesn't taste right.”
“Well, we've made it this far.”
“What does this button do?”
“What, duck??”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
“You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”

[sashadidi]

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his pay.
After six children, this rule had become very costly, so the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's ever increasing salary.
A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and stated. "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and eventually said in a frail voice. "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
The entire congregation said in unison..... "Amen.....

[sashadidi]

174387

[RANDLOVER]

How many hill-billies does it take to eat a possum?

Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.

[Fifth Columnist]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out today."

[Hogarthde]

Are you sure this is a Joke ?

To me it reads like a Spudfan true story.

though in his case, a peat spade ,not a shotgun.

[4bee]

Are you sure this is a Joke ?

To me it reads like a Spudfan true story.

though in his case, a peat spade ,not a shotgun.



It does a bit & I'm sure Spud will thank you for bringing it to the world's attention, Dave.:Rolling::Rolling:

[sashadidi]

On the side of the van:

good luck on the roads

174589

[sashadidi]

Not sure which is more fun...


174590

[4bee]

On the side of the van:

good luck on the roads

174589


Bloody idiotski. Can't tell 1st from Reverseski.

[bigrolf]

[4bee]

Not sure which is more fun...


174590



She's having fun but Stanislavski is looking quite disapproving/envious & his trailing mate seems quite knackered. Anyway, why break the habit of a Lifetime?[bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

Bloody idiotski. Can't tell 1st from Reverseski.

[bigrolf]
Or handbrakeski from doorhandleski. [biggrin]

[4bee]

Or handbrakeski from doorhandleski. [biggrin]

Touche-ski.[biggrin]

[Saitch]

Not sure which is more fun...


174590

I do think the red shoes would go better with the red wine.
Do red shoes go faster?

[V8Ian]

I do think the red shoes would go better with the red wine.
Do red shoes go faster?
Evidence would suggest so.

[4bee]

Evidence would suggest so.


That size glass won't last her 40km run so I would have suggested she had got a 4 Gallon Bucket. [bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

That size glass won't last her 40km run so I would have suggested she had got a 4 Gallon Bucket. [bigrolf]

I think she’s eaten to bucket before the run[emoji12]

[4bee]

I think she’s eaten to bucket before the run[emoji12]

Looking at the image I agree & I don't think she masticated enough & has got a bit of Peristalsis
MASTICATED I said. [bigrolf]


Ask a Fake Doctor.

[cuppabillytea]

Looking at the image I agree & I don't think she masticated enough & has got a bit of Peristalsis
MASTICATED I said. [bigrolf]


Ask a Fake Doctor.
We heard what you said but we knew what you meant.[thumbsupbig]

[Gav 110]

Looking at the image I agree & I don't think she masticated enough & has got a bit of Peristalsis
MASTICATED I said. [bigrolf]


Ask a Fake Doctor.

These fake doctors seem to be getting referred to a lot around here[emoji848][emoji848]

Are there any real doctors available to decipher the crap🥴

I wonder if she would be better to lay down and let the Peristalsis help her get down the road like a caterpillar [emoji12]

[sashadidi]

A restaurant in Amsterdam is training their servers to work from a safe distance. We need to consider this before we “open up"
https://mobile.twitter.com/JoshuaPotash/status/1251529101820772352

[4bee]

We heard what you said but we knew what you meant.[thumbsupbig]




Bloody charmin' Cuppa.


I actually did mean what I said. No, really. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

These fake doctors seem to be getting referred to a lot around here[emoji848][emoji848]

Are there any real doctors available to decipher the crap🥴

I wonder if she would be better to lay down and let the Peristalsis help her get down the road like a caterpillar [emoji12]


Probably, but she'd deffo finish last,if at all.



See what you've started James, you & your bloody fake Doctors. [bigrolf]

[Saitch]

This morning my my wife mentioned that if ever she got Alzheimer's disease, she would commit suicide rather than have me having to look after her.

I replied that she had already mentioned that six times!

[Hogarthde]

But then again Saitch, you may have imagined she said it 🤨

[Saitch]

But then again Saitch, you may have imagined she said it 🤨

I'm quite often on the other side of an argument which entails ' I told you last week that blah, blah, blah!'

[Hogarthde]

Crikey! I didn’t realise my wife had a sister

[cuppabillytea]

Crikey! I didn’t realise my wife had a sister
Half of the people in the world are your wife's sister.

[Hogarthde]

Strewth! Does that mean I am related by marriage to you motley lot ?

[4bee]

Strewth! Does that mean I am related by marriage to you motley lot ?



Only if you wish to be Dave, otherwise you can **** off as there ain't too much in the kitty now to share around with very distant rellies. [bigrolf]

[Hogarthde]

If there is money or a decent inheritance involved, I will consider staying in the family.

Are you on Forbes rich list Des ?

[V8Ian]

If there is money or a decent inheritance involved, I will consider staying in the family.

Are you on Forbes rich list Des ?
I think there're more rich people on th Gold Coast than Forbes.[wink11]

[4bee]

I think there're more rich people on th Gold Coast than Forbes.[wink11]


They do seem to get around don't they Covid notwithstanding travel restrictions.




Rich list? Only in my mind Dave, only in my mind. Some days I don't reckon I'd have two bob to rub together.:Thump::Rolling:

[cuppabillytea]

Strewth! Does that mean I am related by marriage to you motley lot ?
You will be when your will is read out.[bigwhistle]

[Hogarthde]

😂😂😂

[sashadidi]

174714

[sashadidi]

174715

[sashadidi]

Oh dear, modern or classic Homer.......

https://mobile.twitter.com/samhuxley/status/1452685614239948801's=24

[Saitch]

Yep! Needed some clarification on that question.[smilebigeye]

[sashadidi]

174720

[superquag]

Oh dear, modern or classic Homer.......

https://mobile.twitter.com/samhuxley/status/1452685614239948801's=24

Ammunition for Eugenecists.....[bigsad][bigsad][bigsad]

[4bee]

174720


Well certainly for the RAAF. [bighmmm]

[Saitch]

Ammunition for Eugenecists.....[bigsad][bigsad][bigsad]

Ammunition or confirmation?

[RANDLOVER]

To help with the worldwide chip shortage I'm going to stop eating fast food.

[Saitch]

I'm going to stop eating fast food.

Isn't that what Catholics eat during Lent?

[sashadidi]

174778

[sashadidi]

174779

[sashadidi]

174780

[350RRC]

174780

Looks more like they're underground waiting for the Enola Gay flyby.

DL

[Homestar]

How many other types of animals did humans try and ride before they figured out horses were cool with it?

[Saitch]

How many other types of animals did humans try and ride before they figured out horses were cool with it?

174801

[V8Ian]

174801
That's earning your lunch, eh?

[4bee]

That's earning your lunch, eh?



Sure would be, "Come here little girl, I have something to show you?



I used to have a relly that looked like that crox but thankfully no longer with us which in a way, suits us just fine.

[sashadidi]

174863

[V8Ian]

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there.

"Name's Billy Bob... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday... thought you`d like to come."

"Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em."

Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More`n`likely gonna be some fightin` too."

Darn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that`s not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"

Billy Bob stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us..."

[sashadidi]

Chimps share 99.2% of their DNA with human beings, and they want it back...

[sashadidi]

174911

[bob10]

https://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/EYIc_Je3e1n0dxNfk5kcmakI2kZma7jWckHbbSp0Rh_Cabszu6 jvhPf0olr_Y3ynmKM5fhvHnkqDTWST4Ej-6Xzyte41mOFfxj94txmN2Pdc5A=s0-d-e1-ft#https://www.westprint.com.au/media/wysiwyg/ffpics/2021/bite.jpg

[RANDLOVER]

Here are some potato jokes I heard on the radio, and one of my own.

What do you call a stolen yam?

A hot potato.

What do you call a potato with glasses?

A spectator.

What do you call a potato that won't just dive into a pool?

A hesitator.

What do you call an authoritarian potato?

A dictator.

[sashadidi]

174955

[350RRC]

174955

Oh dear!

[cripesamighty]

That drawing is ’Fawntastic’...

[Saulman1010]

Doh!

[Homestar]

https://youtu.be/2BxWKuntYFQ

[sashadidi]

Word of the day (again) is ‘catchfart’ (17th century): a follower of the political wind; one whose actions are guided entirely by the whims and desires of their boss.

[NavyDiver]

A Self funded retiree drove his brand new Land rover to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,


"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

[4bee]

Here are some potato jokes I heard on the radio, and one of my own.

What do you call a stolen yam?

A hot potato.

What do you call a potato with glasses?

A spectator.

What do you call a potato that won't just dive into a pool?

A hesitator.

What do you call an authoritarian potato?

A dictator.


Just trying to work out which is yours Rand.

Pretty much on a par I reckon. [bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

Just trying to work out which is yours Rand.

Pretty much on a par I reckon. [bigrolf]

The last one of course.

[4bee]

The last one of course.


You would say that. [bigrolf] As I said, on a Par.

[Gav 110]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211115/fbcfa89c63f4db4e9f1217277539b87c.jpg

[NavyDiver]

I was watching TV last night and my wife came in the living room and said" YOU ONLY PRETEND TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANTA HEAR".

I said" Aww, dear, you're my only present too, yes I'll have a beer "

[V8Ian]

I was watching TV last night and my wife came in the living room and said" YOU ONLY PRETEND TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANTA HEAR".

I said" Aww, dear, you're my only present too, yes I'll have a beer "
.....and then the fight started. [bigrolf]

[windsock]

https://i.redd.it/gonryeoe34p31.jpg

[4bee]

I was watching TV last night and my wife came in the living room and said" YOU ONLY PRETEND TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANTA HEAR".

I said" Aww, dear, you're my only present too, yes I'll have a beer "


[bigrolf]

I bet yours doesn't accuse you of having crap hearing at the times she speaks to you from the other end of the house while the TV is giving forth with it's usual **** or at other times while her head is in a cupboard, wardrobe or fridge etc. Then again, maybe she does?[bighmmm]

[Saitch]

...
175133

[NavyDiver]

https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/257722800_10226732383319859_8709445871386963020_n-jpg.3812923/'temp_hash=3bb35253152d43cdab1238c90b44398d

[V8Ian]

https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/257722800_10226732383319859_8709445871386963020_n-jpg.3812923/'temp_hash=3bb35253152d43cdab1238c90b44398d
Speak up James, we didn't hear that.[wink11]

[Saitch]

https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/257722800_10226732383319859_8709445871386963020_n-jpg.3812923/'temp_hash=3bb35253152d43cdab1238c90b44398d

175135

[4bee]

175135

Maybe that guy is a wannabee Elephant? [bigrolf]



That is interesting. That doddad may have been the prototype for the WW2 Dungeness Listening Ears to detect approaching Enemy Aircraft coming over the Channel.

Kent WW2 listening posts - Google Search (https://www.google.com/search?q=Kent+WW2+listening+posts&client=firefox-b-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjUzYOx0qD0AhXbXSsKHdwaCJYQ_AUoAXoECAEQA w&biw=1024&bih=464&dpr=1.25)

[4bee]

More on the Sound Mirrors.

Sound Mirrors - Romney Marsh, The Fifth Continent (https://theromneymarsh.net/soundmirrors)

[Xtreme]

More on the Sound Mirrors.

Sound Mirrors - Romney Marsh, The Fifth Continent (https://theromneymarsh.net/soundmirrors)
There's something like that at the Radio Telescope at Parkes (NSW) where you can wisper into one and it can be heard about 50m away.

Another interesting link - Acoustic mirror - Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_mirror)

[4bee]

There's something like that at the Radio Telescope at Parkes (NSW) where you can wisper into one and it can be heard about 50m away.

Another interesting link - Acoustic mirror - Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_mirror)



We have a "Whispering Wall" at the Barossa Reservoir, same thing.
https://barossawinetour.com.au/blog/what-makes-the-whispering-wall-in-the-barossa-valley-so-special/



It wasn't the whispering bit that unsettled me it was the weird sensation of on one side was water up to the top & the other side just emptyness. Walking the wall was quite an odd sensation.
(https://barossawinetour.com.au/blog/what-makes-the-whispering-wall-in-the-barossa-valley-so-special/)

[Gav 110]

We have a "Whispering Wall" at the Barossa Reservoir, same thing.
https://barossawinetour.com.au/blog/what-makes-the-whispering-wall-in-the-barossa-valley-so-special/



It wasn't the whispering bit that unsettled me it was the weird sensation of on one side was water up to the top & the other side just emptyness. Walking the wall was quite an odd sensation.
(https://barossawinetour.com.au/blog/what-makes-the-whispering-wall-in-the-barossa-valley-so-special/)

Kings Park in Perth also has a whispering wall at the War Memorial [emoji1531]
Not quite as spectacular as the Barrosa but it’s a bit of fun for the kids

[sashadidi]

175138

[350RRC]

There's something like that at the Radio Telescope at Parkes (NSW) where you can wisper into one and it can be heard about 50m away.

Another interesting link - Acoustic mirror - Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_mirror)

Roger that.

[bob10]

From Westprint Friday Five;

SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large dam in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty-litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old men can still think fast

[sashadidi]

175169

[sashadidi]

175170

[Xtreme]

175170

A friend of mine had an Irish Wolfhound that used to look after the 'Pre Wash Cycle' [bighmmm]

[4bee]

A friend of mine had an Irish Wolfhound that used to look after the 'Pre Wash Cycle' [bighmmm]

I bet it loved the Guinness pint glasses & the Irish Stew less, plates & serving dishes.

[Gav 110]

175170

Our dog takes advantage of the pre cook cycle
If any meat is left unattended, even for a few seconds, she will take what she believes is her share

The youngest was asked to put away the meat in the freezer, as he grabbed a bag and turned to place in the freezer, the bitch grabbed a bag of chicken Kiev’s, took them out to the lawn and ate 1 only
Came back inside and grabbed a bag of sausages
Took it to the back lawn and ate 1 sausage
As she came back in the boy was looking for the bag of sausages (his favourite)
Asked mum if we were having sausages for dinner, when told no he asked what happened to the sausages
The wife went outside to find the two bags on the lawn and the dog with her “happy face”

Also happens when meat is defrosted in microwave and the boys decide they want to heat up a something before dinner and put the meat on the bench
As we go to get meat out of microwave to cook, we find nothing, ask the kids what happened to dinner we get the typical dunno
Got out to the lawn and find dinner, minus one portion ☹️☹️

[4bee]

Our dog takes advantage of the pre cook cycle
If any meat is left unattended, even for a few seconds, she will take what she believes is her share

The youngest was asked to put away the meat in the freezer, as he grabbed a bag and turned to place in the freezer, the bitch grabbed a bag of chicken Kiev’s, took them out to the lawn and ate 1 only
Came back inside and grabbed a bag of sausages
Took it to the back lawn and ate 1 sausage
As she came back in the boy was looking for the bag of sausages (his favourite)
Asked mum if we were having sausages for dinner, when told no he asked what happened to the sausages
The wife went outside to find the two bags on the lawn and the dog with her “happy face”

Also happens when meat is defrosted in microwave and the boys decide they want to heat up a something before dinner and put the meat on the bench
As we go to get meat out of microwave to cook, we find nothing, ask the kids what happened to dinner we get the typical dunno
Got out to the lawn and find dinner, minus one portion ☹️☹️



Shirley all dogs should have a varied diet? [bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

I wish I knew who kicked the Jack from under the Car I’ve been working on … The Suspension is Killing me
https://yardhype.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/This-man-got-stuck-under-his-car-Video-1536x853.jpg

[V8Ian]

Funniest I heard was the fellow working under his car, grabbed the sill to pull himself out. In doing so, closed the door on his fingers. Unhurt but trapped. [biggrin]

[POD]

My wife is upset with me because I wanted her mother to wear a face mask at our house for Christmas. Geez, that was 2006, you'd think she'd let it go by now.

[sashadidi]

175202

[4bee]

Funniest I heard was the fellow working under his car, grabbed the sill to pull himself out. In doing so, closed the door on his fingers. Unhurt but trapped. [biggrin]


Lucky that someone really didn't kick the Jack out then. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

I wish I knew who kicked the Jack from under the Car I’ve been working on … The Suspension is Killing me
https://yardhype.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/This-man-got-stuck-under-his-car-Video-1536x853.jpg



There is a lesson there, Always keep your moby within grabbing distance. Bugger the keys & fags.

[Tins]

175217

[4bee]

175217


You have to admit, it has got to be less expensive than the Mobile Dog Wash thingey so long as the pooch doesn't cark it.

[Gav 110]

You have to admit, it has got to be less expensive than the Mobile Dog Wash thingey so long as the pooch doesn't cark it.

Keep the temperature of the water down and you won’t end up with a hot dog[emoji12]

[4bee]

Keep the temperature of the water down and you won’t end up with a hot dog[emoji12]


Very droll Mr 110. [bigrolf]


That is ok for Jack Russells & the like but not much chop for Alsations, St.Bernards etc

I know I know, get a bigger Industrial Dishwasher. Sheeeesh. [bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

Very droll Mr 110. [bigrolf]


That is ok for Jack Russells & the like but not much chop for Alsations, St.Bernards etc

I know I know, get a bigger Industrial Dishwasher. Sheeeesh. [bigrolf]

I’ve caught a Springer trying to get in our dishwasher more then once, tongue first.
I was very tempted to give it the push and shove and quickly close the door but she has a tendency to run before the old size11 swings her way[emoji12]

[rick130]

After a delicious dinner and a few drinks Sarah leads George into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No," said her husband
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he exclaims, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied* "Go look in the garage...."

[Gav 110]

After a delicious dinner and a few drinks Sarah leads George into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No," said her husband
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he exclaims, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied* "Go look in the garage...."

Hi rick130
Good joke, even the missus laughed
But is this bordering away from the “g” rating that some of us have to adhere to around here[emoji12]
Oh well, the mods will sort this out[emoji1531][emoji1531]

[Gav 110]

My son said to me the other day “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
I replied “Yes, we ar son!”

[Gav 110]

Have you ever tried blind archery??

You don’t know what your missing!!!

[Gav 110]

A man was walking down the road at about 2 o’clock in the morning when he was stopped by the police,
They asked him what he was doing at that time of the day wandering the streets.
He replied “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as smoking and staying out late”
The officer replied “Really??? Who’s giving a lecture at this time in the morning?”
The man replies “that would be my wife!”

[Tins]

A man was walking down the road at about 2 o’clock in the morning when he was stopped by the police,
They asked him what he was doing at that time of the day wandering the streets.
He replied “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as smoking and staying out late”
The officer replied “Really??? Who’s giving a lecture at this time in the morning?”
The man replies “that would be my wife!”

Might this have been in County Cork, perchance??

[4bee]

Hi rick130
Good joke, even the missus laughed
But is this bordering away from the “g” rating that some of us have to adhere to around here[emoji12]
Oh well, the mods will sort this out[emoji1531][emoji1531]


But but but, he is a Mod. so that'll be a whitewash then.[bigrolf] Although that could read Past Tense.


I'd like to see a photo of his Garage. No not Rick's, the bloke with all that spare cash. Well Rick's as well if he wants to.[bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

But but but, he is a Mod. so that'll be a whitewash then.[bigrolf] Although that could read Past Tense.


I'd like to see a photo of his Garage. No not Rick's, the bloke with all that spare cash. Well Rick's as well if he wants to.[bigrolf]

I know

Like I said “some” of us have to adhere to

Must be in the mods interpretation of the post
To me, that joke is more of a “pg” rating, but I’ve been told the mod team don’t care how I interpret something [emoji22]

Can we (I) get clarification of the AULRO rating system???

[emoji22][emoji22][emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃[emoji24][emoji24]

[4bee]

I know

Like I said “some” of us have to adhere to

Must be in the mods interpretation of the post
To me, that joke is more of a “pg” rating, but I’ve been told the mod team don’t care how I interpret something [emoji22]

Can we (I) get clarification of the AULRO rating system???

[emoji22][emoji22][emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃[emoji24][emoji24]


A case of "Be careful what you wish for" I think.[bighmmm] [bigrolf]


but I’ve been told the mod team don’t care how I interpret something [emoji22]


Yeah? That does sound a bit daft if I may say so. One needs to interpret everything before you can post it or is that Chinese? Interpretations can be varied from person to person.

Cest la vie.

[Gav 110]

A case of "Be careful what you wish for" I think.[bighmmm] [bigrolf]




Yeah? That does sound a bit daft if I may say so. One needs to interpret everything before you can post it or is that Chinese? Interpretations can be varied from person to person.

Cest la vie.

Hey 4bee

All I wish for is a bit of consistency [emoji848]

[4bee]

Hey 4bee

All I wish for is a bit of consistency [emoji848]



I have never had this prob, usually my unsuitable message gets scrubbed, usually without a word. It just disappears, but hey ho life goes on. In the scheme of things it is no biggy & I am a big boy & at 85 there are a few other things that I apply my mind to. [bigsad]


I agree with you though, that it is nice to know where you stand & what limits apply.


While one Mod sees a post as ok another may find it offensive to the wider world.

The trick is to have them all on the same Tram. I am not even sure how many Mods there are these days so yer pays yer money & takes yer chances I'm afraid.

[V8Ian]

Hi rick130
Good joke, even the missus laughed
But is this bordering away from the “g” rating that some of us have to adhere to around here[emoji12]
Oh well, the mods will sort this out[emoji1531][emoji1531]


But but but, he is a Mod. so that'll be a whitewash then. Although that could read Past Tense.


I'd like to see a photo of his Garage. No not Rick's, the bloke with all that spare cash. Well Rick's as well if he wants to.
It's a shame nowadays, that so many people lack judgment, integrity and respect. Rick's post was acceptable because of the presentation. There was no crudity or swearing, even filtered.
This is vastly different to the post you placed that was explained to you recently.
This forum wants to appeal to, [B]and be safe for, primary school kids through to grandmas. It is not a football changing shed or a wharfie's smoko room. Language and themes that are common in those types of venue, are not acceptable here. [B]This is explained clearly in the rules of access.
Show some respect.

[3toes]

A man was walking down the road at about 2 o’clock in the morning when he was stopped by the police,
They asked him what he was doing at that time of the day wandering the streets.
He replied “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as smoking and staying out late”
The officer replied “Really??? Who’s giving a lecture at this time in the morning?”
The man replies “that would be my wife!”

A few years ago now a mate was getting married. We obtained permission to go out for a couple of drinks the night before the big day on the proviso that he was home at a reasonable hour and in a fit state. Now what these 2 requirements actually meant were not defined and I do believe they had somewhat differing meanings between the two of them

Was a good night out and we decided it was time to return him home when he attempted to sit on the bar stool missed and knocked a couple more down in his attempts to stand up

Now time had moved at a faster pace out side than it had for us in the pub. Out in the fresh air it was would you believe it almost 2am. Well into a taxi and head back to my mates house. Only one stop on the way for a kebab as we had not yet had anything to eat. Which was another promise that we would have dinner and not just drink

So taxi pulls up outside his house. Us attempting to be quiet while exiting the cab as only those who have had a little to drink do.

My mate whispering that he thinks she had gone to sleep and will not know what time have come home as the lights are not on

Just as he opens the gate and starts to stagger across the front yard the light turns on and this shape illuminated from behind appears in the door way. From this shape a loud voice emanates asking for my mate by name. Then something about promising to be home at reasonable hours and not drunk. This followed by something about if it was not for wanting kids she would be performing surgery on him

Now was it wrong that as he was across the property threshold and clearly had an adult to look after him I jumped back into the cab and headed home

[sashadidi]

Not sure if this is for real or a joke...

I saw this on Reddit today. It’s an a ACARS in-flight message from the cockpit to the ground.

Also, civilization had a good run.

https://mobile.twitter.com/TheRickWilson/status/1463541134173605899

[Hogarthde]

No 3toes, it was not wrong to leave your mate with a responsible adult.

after all, you cannot expect the poor cabby to sit there all morning, and just think, ....if you had gone in the house, after a couple of hours the cabby would want some money, so he would go into the house which would mean his cab would be unattended and liable to be stolen.

a stolen taxi could be used for many nefarious purposes.......can you see where I am going with this ?
.

[Gav 110]

It's a shame nowadays, that so many people lack judgment, integrity and respect. Rick's post was acceptable because of the presentation. There was no crudity or swearing, even filtered.
This is vastly different to the post you placed that was explained to you recently.
This forum wants to appeal to, and be safe for, primary school kids through to grandmas. It is not a football changing shed or a wharfie's smoko room. Language and themes that are common in those types of venue, are not acceptable here. This is explained clearly in the rules of access.
Show some respect.

I showed my post and Ricks to my wife and one of her work colleagues, both agreed that both of the posts would not be suitable for young children to read, but the wife’s colleague said that Ricks post would be a harder one to “try to talk your way around” when the kids started asking questions

Again, it all comes down to personal interpretation

Enough said

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]

Gav

[4bee]

No 3toes, it was not wrong to leave your mate with a responsible adult.

after all, you cannot expect the poor cabby to sit there all morning, and just think, ....if you had gone in the house, after a couple of hours the cabby would want some money, so he would go into the house which would mean his cab would be unattended and liable to be stolen.

a stolen taxi could be used for many nefarious purposes.......can you see where I am going with this ?
.

Yeah. If it happens again you wish to be informed so you can nick his Cab. Right?:Rolling::burnrubber:

[spudfan]

My wife used to be in the 205/16 size bracket. Now she is firmly in the 265/16 size bracket...

[Saitch]

My wife used to be in the 205/16 size bracket. Now she is firmly in the 265/16 size bracket...

She must tyre easily?[bighmmm]

[spudfan]

'sit bonum tempora volvunt'......Nam semper et Anon ...[smilebigeye]

[4bee]

My wife used to be in the 205/16 size bracket. Now she is firmly in the 265/16 size bracket...



Jesus Spud, she is going to creep up on you & your computer one day & you will be Mashed spud.[bigrolf]

[Tins]

Jesus Spud, she is going to creep up on you & your computer one day & you will be Mashed spud.[bigrolf]

Bet she bakes him first....

[4bee]

Bet she bakes him first....


Yep, chuck him into the hot ashes& blacken him a little first.. Add Butter, Pepper & salt.[bighmmm]

[spudfan]

Lucky for me "love is blind".[bigsmile]

[V8Ian]

Ain't it fortunate that AULRO isn't in Braille?

[4bee]

Lucky for me "love is blind".[bigsmile]


Is that code for Blind Drunk for most of the time?[bigrolf]

[DeeJay]

I had to skip back 12 posts for a joke- what a joke...

175397

[discorevy]

In breaking news today :

Omicron mix up
P.M. suspends all inbound flights
after mistakenly hearing
E.macron is coming to Australia[bigsmile]

[cuppabillytea]

Ain't it fortunate that AULRO isn't in Braille?
Why not? I'll bet the Volvo forum is in Braille.If not, it should be.[bigwhistle]

[Saitch]

... 175441

[sashadidi]

175464

[NavyDiver]

3 Aussie sailors die on Xmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "you must have something on you that represents Xmas


Flash The Stoker flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle", St Peter lets him pass,

Dolly the Steward jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells", St Peter lets him pass,


Finally Tug the Dibbie pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter confused says "how do they represent Xmas?"... Tug says...."they're Carols".



FYI a Dibbie is a 'Seaman' branch in the Navy [bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

DETERMING WHEN TO GO TO A SENIOR HOME

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[4bee]

DETERMING WHEN TO GO TO A SENIOR HOME

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an olderperson should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


Don't we all feel like that sometimes.[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[4bee]

3 Aussie sailors die on Xmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "you must have something on you that represents Xmas


Flash The Stoker flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle", St Peter lets him pass,

Dolly the Steward jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells", St Peter lets him pass,


Finally Tug the Dibbie pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter confused says "how do they represent Xmas?"... Tug says...."they're Carols".



FYI a Dibbie is a 'Seaman' branch in the Navy [bigrolf]



I'm not sure I should show her that one? My one is spelt with an E at the end. Named for Carole Lombard, so her dad said. Yeah roight. Carole Bee sounds ok doesn't it?[bigrolf]

[Tins]

I'm not sure I should show her that one? My one is spelt with an E at the end. Named for Carole Lombard, so her dad said. Yeah roight. Carole Bee sounds ok doesn't it?[bigrolf]

Shouldn't that be Queen Bee?

[4bee]

Shouldn't that be Queen Bee?



You've met her then?:Rolling:

[Tins]

You've met her then?:Rolling:

No, but I had something similar.

[V8Ian]

Shouldn't that be Queen Bee?
Married to whatta b.[bigwhistle][tonguewink]

[350RRC]

Married to whatta b.[bigwhistle][tonguewink]

Wanna b?

[4bee]

Wanna b?



Could bee.

[Tins]

Could bee.

Possilbee

[Tins]

Potential foe a new word association thread? MayBee?

[Saitch]

Eric?