Friday arvo joke

[Scallops]

This is champagne...


A man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each
of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The man looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"
--

[CraigE]

Funny.:)

Hungry Jacks have brought out a new West Coast Eagles supporters meal.

Has no burger or fries, just coke and ice.
:eek:

[Defender=1st]

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

[Defender=1st]

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

[Defender=1st]

Big Sorry to any Blonde People:p



A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

[Defender=1st]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[Defender=1st]

I hope i didnt offend anyone

[Nat130]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.

Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.

As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.


The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of freshflowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their taskcompleted, the women continue staggering home.

The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second."We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her bottom that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"

[Quiggers]

Good one scallops!

My nine year old often tells a joke like that:

"A man walks into a bar, what does he say?"

"Ouch!"

GQ

[Nat130]

Work poos
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen . If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink , to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist . Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER - - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm . Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom -used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe -tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Defender=1st]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[markyc]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.

To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids in the back, "My, that was a big insect!"

To which her seven year son replied, "I'm surprised it could fly with a c*ck that size !"

[Chenz]

A bloke gets on a bus and sits down next to a man of indian descent with a shoe box on his lap. After a minute of two he notices a horrible smell and asks the bloke "What have you got in that box mate".

The Indian bloke opens the box to reveal a turd about 10 inches long and 4 inch diameter. The bloke says "What are you doing with a turd in a shoebox?"

The indian bloke says "I am taking it to my optometrist". The other bloke asks "Why are you taking a turd to an optometrist"? The indian bloke says "Well, I am not understanding why, but when I do one like this my eyes they are watering".

[Scallops]

Why did the Romans close the Coliseum?

Because the Lions were eating all the prophets:D .

[ATH]

Subject: FW: Every Man Needs a Chick ............:)

>A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>
> The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
> fries
> and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the
> same,"
> says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
> $9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
> change
> for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
> Again
> the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
> waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
> salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress
> brings
> the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
> it
> on
> the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse
> me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
> your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
> found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
> wishes.
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
> put
> my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
> million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
> long
> as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
> exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
> chick
> with a big **** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
>

[DeeJay]

Its still Friday:)

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he
awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.

"Who the heck are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.
Peter". Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've
got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him ...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*ttin' in the bed!"

[Blknight.aus]

two dogs were sitting in the bar talking about the races theyd just runm greyhouds of course..

the first says "well i was sitting in the starting box ready to go and frell me somethings bittne me on the bollocks and IVe run the race in record time coming first all the way"

The second says "its funny you should mention it but a similar thing happened to me, sharp pain in the balls and off i go for an easy win....

Then this horse buts in opens with "I couldnt help overhearing but..." and contines into a similar story,

The second dog turns to the first dog and looks at him quizically before commenting.



"bugger me, a talking horse"