How old is old enuff to leave home?

[landyfromanuthaland]

We have been having some probs with our 16 year old boy who thinks he is ready to fly the coop, he kind of layed down the law and said this is how it will go, I immediately hoisted my flag right up the pole and the hole thing got heated and ended up in the front door being removed from its hinges after I jammed him through it closely followed by a roughly packed bag, the abuse his mother copped was what ****ed me off, he has a young tart hes carting around and I guess a child will be forthcoming as theres no pill or frangers being used, all this aside , who would do the same? did we handle it wrong? stuffed if I know, guess he will see its not all beer and skittles out there and come crawling home, or will he? All I know is I have a devastated wife who copped more abuse then a drunken ocker could dish out, the scotch came in handy!

[jik22]

All I know is it would be hard to stay calm and level headed when on the receiving end of something like that...I'm dreading the day my girls grow up. Much easier to deal with a bit of lip from a 9yr old you can still send to bed. ;)

And I suspect someone will come back very soon, unless they have somewhere else to lodge for free. :)

[Disco300Tdi]

Ahh,,,,16 and already captured or is that captivated by the hairy lasoo

[rangieman]

We have been having some probs with our 16 year old boy who thinks he is ready to fly the coop, he kind of layed down the law and said this is how it will go, I immediately hoisted my flag right up the pole and the hole thing got heated and ended up in the front door being removed from its hinges after I jammed him through it closely followed by a roughly packed bag, the abuse his mother copped was what ****ed me off, he has a young tart hes carting around and I guess a child will be forthcoming as theres no pill or frangers being used, all this aside , who would do the same? did we handle it wrong? stuffed if I know, guess he will see its not all beer and skittles out there and come crawling home, or will he? All I know is I have a devastated wife who copped more abuse then a drunken ocker could dish out, the scotch came in handy!
Yes as in most kids what would the parents know , and the grass is always better on the other side of the fence

Mate teenages are very trying these days , And the goverment dont help

He could go and get a homeless child pension now which is more than the dole im led to beleive

It is all you can do , the same your parents did for you they didnt have a text book

Kids today are told of their rights which is good and bad

Your wife does not need or deserve the abuse

If it was my son it would be very hard for me not to hit him , I have been in the same situation before and i was lucky enough not to hit him , My step son and i talk about it now and he laugh,s about it and thanks me for not hitting him and is happy with the way i helped raise him

All the best and i hope it all works out in the long run:cool:

[roverfj1200]

There is no manual to read and we all do the best we can.
Who can say what they would do in your situation.

I'm sure he feels bad about now too. Heated words and all that.

I have a 14yr old that I can stiil back hand but hes near 6 foot now and may soon back hand me..

But I left home at 16 and a lot of blokes I know and we all turned out OK I think.

So some how offer support and keep the door open(easy now its off the hinges) and maybe a phone call to say "you OK mate" just so he knows you care.

Hope it works out for ya..

[googe]

Give it a day or two,then let him know how much he upset mum and why you reacted to it the way you did,good luck :)
Greg

[p38arover]

We kicked our son out at 16. We told him that to live at home he had to live by our rules.

He moved back in after a year (he was skint) - and then lived by our rules without any more problems from him.

I also believe that anyone who is old enough to live with someone can find their own place to live.

There's no way I'd allow a child of mine to live in my house with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

I don't want the hassle nor do I want their kids living in my home.

Ron

[abaddonxi]

Don't go to sleep on an argument.

Send him a text or get his mum to, so if he's feeling regrets he's got an excuse to call you.

Good luck.
Simon

[jsp]

geeezzzz...guess I am one of the new generation....

I completely moved out of home when I was 28 :eek:

Mind you, my father realised when I was about 15 he no longer had the fear of god over me as I was big and ugly enough to thump back, but that never happened, mainly I guess as his father was violent with him in his youth and he wouldn't repeat it. I did respected my father, but then again I guess that was also as he was a very commanding figure. We fought a few times.

I did move out a few times in my late teens, but my mother begged me to come back as my father passed away.

Funny, my dad wanted my first few girlfriends to move in then again he liked them more than me :eek:

I guess the worst thing in restrospect was when I was about 20, and it hit me very hard I am a carbon copy of my dad in all respects. Scary...... :eek:

Kicking your son out is probably what I would have done, but I guess its also a case of if he got stuck you would take him back in and give him a roof over his head.

[JDNSW]

I suspect that while we all think things are worse than they ever have been, they really aren't. My grandfather left home when he was sixteen after an argument with his mother, and had no contact with his parents for four years. And that was in 1881!

Fortunately we have managed to get through the genrations since then without this sort of thing - including my boys (now in their thirties).

John

[DirtyDawg]

Mate, I left home at a similar age.
But as a parent it is hard to know when they grow up, what to do...
The more you confine/discipline them the more they will revolt with the help of many govt services to keep them with money in their pockets:twisted:
What I do these days is just be here for when I'm needed and no matter what she has done I force myself to take a deep breath and support her..it is the hardest thing I have ever done when inside I want to kick her ass.
I would say try not to alienate the boy as he will be easier to handle close to you rather than distanced..IMHO;)
Good luck big fella and dont stress too much..give him some space and then have a sit down chat...

[Traveler]

Perhaps you could do well to remember that your boy only a year and a half ago was 14. What experience has he picked up from then? What have you and your wife done to prepare him for this? You need to be strong and lead by example, maybe you need to change your ways?This needs very careful consideration. Remember he is not you. His perceptions are of an inexperienced kid. What you say to him can be totally distorted, hence the negative feedback you receive. We need to communicate with clarity and do it passively. People will say "we've tried, we've tried!". When do we succeed?When we keep trying. Listen to him, you dont have to agree but you can understand he is unique and at that stage of life where he is going to make both right and wrong choices. It is only natural what your family is going through, keep it together.

[dobbo]

You can give anyone a map. If they don't know how to use it it's only good to wipe their 4r53 with. You are his guide through life, however he will ultimately do what he thinks is right. If it is wrong I would tell him the hard truth and then respectfully let him make the decision. Knocking seven shades of 5h1t out of him to get him to make the right choice with only burn bridges.

[strangy]

Hi Sorry to hear about the dramas.
Take heart your not alone!!
Had pretty much the same scenario 6 months ago with my 16 yo.
Still have sore shoulder from tearing it in the melee!

"Skanky ho" hanging around was making it worse.
The boy dropped out of school and is now systematically stuffing his life.

My boy needs a good flogging... but I don't reckon a Father should do it. ( I feel like it though)

Me and the wife have just tried to keep communications open so we can try and influence him a little, which is better than not at all.

This has worked so far and some improvement has been noticed. A long way to go yet.

I have to keep reminding myself that he is still my son and too silly to see reality yet. He doesn't realise he is not 10 ft tall and bullet proof..

I am a believer that, if you have raised them right, they will get their act together eventually.

The wife takes it worse. She feels shes failed as a mum and it is somehow her fault.

Take your msissus out to her favourite spot and remind her why you're with her.

This situation is truly a test of patience and perserverance.
You have to be there for the rest of the family and yourself, which is no easy task.

Despite the ridicule that some may give me, I firmly believe that earnest prayer is answered, maybe not when I want it, but in perfect timing.

Hang in there.
Bad things happen to good people, but so do good things!!.
Sometimes life sucks but God doesn't.

[cartm58]

Well he is your son, you raised him, you gave him his value set, your marriage and your relationship is his reference plus whatever crap he believes he knows from looking at tv, movies and his mates.

Question is what do you want

He is too old and too self centred now to obey you so trying the do as your told under my roof routine won't work.

If he is incapable of acting like an adult in your house and showing respect for the other adults there and contributing to the household as an adult same as if he was sharing a rented house with strangers.

Then a good option is a strong dose of reality of putting him out telling him to find his own accommodation his own money furniture and seeing how well he copes with a firm padlock on his bedroom door to prevent him returning.

Been through this with ex partner teenage son and your wasting time supporting them while they got the attitude they don't listen they don't co-operate and its one way traffic, the sooner he is out on his own the happier you will be.

After a while they realise that they were wrong and you get the chance to re-establish a relationship.

He isn't a child anymore so adjust to it

[blitz]

Take heart as several have said you are not alone in this.

I kicked my son out at 15, came home once to often to find him home with his mates stoned out of their tree instead of at school as he was supposed to be. He went and lived with his mother who not only condoned it but actively encouraged it. So the bit of control I had completely disapeared, we are both strong willed and it took time for the rift to heal, he now has a daughter to the girl and working as a cook but gee the potential he has, has not ben realised.

Hard thing to say though is that it is his live and he can do what he wants.

The most important thing I did after I cool off was to let him know I loved him and that the door was always open if he chose to come back but no illegal drugs. He can back about 3 yearts later after she booted him out then left again when she say she would take him back.

I remember talking to my father about it and said something along the lines of "bloody kids I could kill them at times" he looked me straight in the eye and said one word -

"yeah"

I laughted and said touche, he then went on to give a brief over view of the dramas he and mum had with me. All of which were similar I guess.

It's hard but try to not close the door on him as we are the adults even if they think they are.

Blythe

[landyfromanuthaland]

well, anyone who doubts my parenting skills come live here for a week, we are constantly banging our heads against a brick wall with this boy, we have tryed and tryed to keep him on the straight and narrow, other family members have tried, he quit school last year coz he just couldnt do it, he admitted he only went to school to be with his mates, trouble after trouble with cops and courts the list goes on, I run a hard ship I was bought up by a copper under an iron fist, I know right from wrong, I see things in black and white, its wrong or right left or right, no inbetween, we thought we were doing ht eright thing by giving him some independence coz he was showing signs of maturing quicker then his big brother, we got slapped in the face again, coppers said what can u do, legally he can leave home but also we are still responsible for him, I wont take anymore of my dear wife being verbally and near physically abused by a punk, my wife bore the brunt of last nights explosion and she is a mess, naturally she blames herself, know matter what I say to try and console her it doesnt help, I dont know at the moment, I just hope he makes the right decisions and stays out of trouble, he chose his girl and friends over family, what can we do, take it on the chin and try and make sure the other two are guided in a different direction? wheres me scotch!

[timaus13]

Hope u r all ok I would just like to add to the comments above.
Text him saying you hope he is ok,?
PS Dissapointed with the way you spoke to Mum both of us very dissapointed.

:(I left home at 15 and was in gaol by 18:( as father was very hands on man Ex SAS, Police Officer and Queens Guard no I am not kidding. and I spent lots of time in hospital due to child abuse in very violent and verbally abusive house I would say home but for me it never was. Must add it is now when I visit and stay over.
In my opinion hitting or any other form of violence is never constructive as I ended up violent towards other inmates.
I now Get on well with both parents now all is forgiven:D:D:D now that I know how they grew up in the UK under harsher parents.:(
I have 2 kids :D12 yr old girl and :D14 yr old boy.

Can Honestly say I have only ever spanked son once in his life for playing with power lead at 5 and blowing himself up with house keys.:(Scared the ???? out of his mother and I.:o
We have a great relationship at the moment and allways have.
When he is rude:mad: or swears:mad: at his Mum I just wait 5 or so minutes and then knock on his door and walk into his room and let him know that I am truly hurt and dissapointed in his attitude and language.
5 to 10 minutes later he is out and appolagising to both of us.
I believe your 16 yr old son is trying to do what I did when I was this age i would imagine, he feels he needs to have a certain amount of authority in his own home especially when he is around his new girl???
He is acting to prove something to his lady friend I would imagine, best advice I can offer is as I said, let him know you r worried and dissapointed but will allways be there for him.
god bless and good luck. I know this is going to happen in my house and I shall follow my own advice.

cheers.
PS Take the little lady out for a movie and meal to cheer her and yourself up. When he comes home he will be a different man I am sure.:D

[barryj]

Mate, what can we say? We can only feel for you and give a little of our experiences.

The bottom line, and the one that really hurts, is do you and your wife want the best for him? That's a silly question but somehow these 'kids' need to know they are wanted even if they are a pain.

I went through similar problems with my eldest daughter when she was 16. Door slamming was the order each time she got upset. We were renting and I did not want to have to explain to the landlord that the doors needed repairing so I reacted harshly toward her. We never hit her as this would have sealed our fate.

She moved out as soon as she left school and it was then that my good wife explained that confrontation would not solve the issue. I made it clear to my daughter that she was out of the house as far as living with us was concerned. I also promised to be there and support her if things went pear shaped.

It was not till 6 years after that she realised that I loved her, and that was after her wedding. Now we are the best of mates and she knows that we care.

It is very difficult I know, but try to let him know that you are really concerned about him.

Keep positive and support your wife through this.

[Grizzly_Adams]

As long as you handled things as best you can then what more can you ask for?

As you say all is not beer and skittles in the real world and the sooner he realises that the better.

We have a nephew who is quite happily bumming off our mother and has been for the past few years, he has a t*** he likes to hang around with also. Wish we could shove him out to the real world instead of staying at (my) Mum's but that's not going to happen, he moved in right after Dad passed away...

[landyfromanuthaland]

Thank u all, glad to see we are not the only ones tackling this, I will read these all over and over again and see what I can use in the way of advice and try and sort something, hes home now talking to mum, we are pushing the idea of him living in the shed after we deck it out and line one end, give him his space and mum some sleep, we will see what eventuates, keep u all posted on the eventual outcome

[p38arover]

we are pushing the idea of him living in the shed after we deck it out and line one end, give him his space and mum some sleep,

That's what we did. Our son moved into the annexe beside the garage when he came back home. It didn't have a toilet nor shower so he'd come in for those but it gave him space for him and his mates.

It was my old aeromodelling workshop so it was already lined.

He lived in there for a few years until his job took him to Orange.

The only problem was that I couldn't use the garage itself during all that time when he was home. The smell of cigarette smoke seeped through so I'd have to pack up what I was doing and go back into the house to get away from the smell.

I have a similar problem with the young bloke next door. When he lights up his marijuana, er, sorry, herbal cigarettes, the smell is so overpowering I can't stay out in the backyard, I have to go inside.

Ron

[jsp]

Originally Posted by landyfromanuthaland View Post
we are pushing the idea of him living in the shed after we deck it out and line one end, give him his space and mum some sleep,

That's what we did. Our son moved into the annexe beside the garage when he came back home. It didn't have a toilet nor shower so he'd come in for those but it gave him space for him and his mates.

My mum did that when we moved back to Adelaide, she even put a washbasin and vanity unit in the wardrobe for me, when it was being put in, my aunt came over and asked why I needed one in my large bedroom, and mother simply said "to wash his hands after he's had a girl over" :eek::eek::eek:

Just ad to add that :)

[landyfromanuthaland]

Well the current stance is he is ok with the idea of the shed, I read him the riot act about what we expect, but he will be independent and if the trollop moves in she will also pay rent, its not free, turns out hes now smoking too, ah the impressionable teenagers!, his mate is a chippy and has offered to line the shed at no cost to us, so I get a nice room to reload my ammo and hide my beer when he moves out later on, mum is happier, she is in the angry stage now but it will pass

[Disco Steve]

Glad to hear that its getting better mate, and he had no reason to treat his mum that way. Hope you sort it out soon.
Cheers Steve
P.S. if you need the plumbing done in the shed shoot me a PM

[rangieman]

Well the current stance is he is ok with the idea of the shed, I read him the riot act about what we expect, but he will be independent and if the trollop moves in she will also pay rent, its not free, turns out hes now smoking too, ah the impressionable teenagers!, his mate is a chippy and has offered to line the shed at no cost to us, so I get a nice room to reload my ammo and hide my beer when he moves out later on, mum is happier, she is in the angry stage now but it will pass
Great to hear hope it all works out in the long run:cool:

[twitchy]

I have a similar problem with the young bloke next door. When he lights up his marijuana, er, sorry, herbal cigarettes, the smell is so overpowering I can't stay out in the backyard, I have to go inside.

Ron


Yeah & eat something.........lol.:angel:



landyfromanuthaland Great to hear the lad & mum are talking & seems you have a good compramise for all!!!!!!!!!

[barryj]

Good to hear he came back. That's a blessing in itself.

Now you can continue teaching him life skills that should help him when he has kids :eek: :D.

[sclarke]

Well i cant tell you what to do as i'm not a father.
But i did not see eye to eye with my dad when i was 15yo and i moved out.... i had a job, so it was time to be an adult in my eyes.
It worked out good as i lived in the same town, but with a mate.
it took a few years for my dad and i to see eye to eye.... I now love him dearly and he is the best dad a bloke could want. He taught me how to Drive and to have a passion for BMC cars.......

Give it time and if he does move out then respect it and keep in touch with him and help him,.....

[landyfromanuthaland]

Well the final say on this is he has decided agaisnt coming home, he thinks he can make at 16, mum is still very upset but is resigned to the fact to the fact he isnt coming home, I have bascially told him I wont have him upset or treat his mum like poo anymore, u have made your bed u will have to sleep in it, if later on u find it to difficult we will talk again and left it on that and said to stay in touch with his mum and be nice etc, I hope he makes ago of it, he can come home anytime but on my terms wether he likes it or not, so we will just see what eventuates, thank u all for your thoughts and advice I appreciate it.

[Relay]

It's times like these I really value my family.

But amongst my friends I've seen so much of the yo-yo effect. Leaving home only to return.

I suppose, from a young(ish) person's perspective what I really wanted when; was my parents to stop being so nosy. I think by giving him his dues and space you are definately doing the right thing. Dont doubt yourself because he'll know if you are. Explain to 'mum' that she still has a boy, but that he's growing up now and that she needs to let him, however he chooses to do so. I wonder idly, if you could contact his girlfriend. Not sure on the exact scenario but if you become well acquainted with her, and I mean learn to like her, your boy might start to see things in a different light. My parents are using this ploy currently on my brother, and so far it's working. (Mind you my brother is a little older)

Use your leverage. If he does contact you for any reason offer him something unexpected. A chance to have a beer with you, or maybe even to go for a drive if he's got his L's. At that age, to be 'self-sufficient' like he wants to be he needs to be able to drive. Helping him achieve his goals might up your chances of helping at least guide his footsteps.

Talk to her parents if they're available. And see what you can do together. I'm sure they're probably just as worried as you are.

Good luck. You'll need it.

[landyfromanuthaland]

The girl friend is a real missile twister, shes a troll, older then him and definatley a bad influence, she is half the problem, she lies and bull****s and we dont want her around, mind u his mates arent much better, some will no doubt have careers as crims

[mcrover]

I was going to say that you are well old enough to leave home Andy but I dont think your wife would like it.

I see now that your not talking about yourself :wasntme:

I left at 18 and only went back home for 1 winter to work on Mt Buller so my money is 18.

[tombraider]

I moved out at 16 and Joined the RAN...Got tattooed etc...

Discharged after a while and moved around... Perth, then Adelaide...I've lived in Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Whyalla...

But never moved back to my parents home once I moved out...

I did however run a business with the old man though, for 16 years.... And the relationship was ok...

Then we sold the business, now, as we dont see each other every damn day, we're great mates...

And I havent called him 'Dad' for over 16 years...

Its just my mate 'Pete"

[p38arover]

Yeah & eat something.........lol.:angel:

Que?

I think I've missed something.

Ron

[rovercare]

Que?

I think I've missed something.

Ron

Munchies from being stoned, makes you hungry:angel:

[rovercare]

Glad I had a good relationship with the old boy, went through alot of **** at 15 but, failed year 10, then left, but with some good advice(keep going the way you are and you'll turn out like your ****ing scumbag brother:eek:) and a bit of real guidance, not so much as a parent, I've been working since 16 and doing pretty well (althoughcriminal records and stuff might show a different story:()

I think alittle more time spent with him as a mate, would go very far:)

[p38arover]

Munchies from being stoned, makes you hungry:angel:

Ahh. I've never tried drugs (apart from alcohol and cigarettes).

Ron.

[rovercare]

Ahh. I've never tried drugs (apart from alcohol and cigarettes).

Ron.

Great stuff, you sit around tired, bur can't sleep because nobody else is, ridiculously hungry and thirsty (dry's and munchies) but are far to lethargic to do anything about it:mad:

Good in very mild moderation but, only in roll your owns;)

I've worked jobs for years now with drug testing, so it wasn't an option and no longer smoke, maybe once a year, but only a toke....but if they drug tested in the place I work now, they wouldn't have any operators left:D

[Disco Steve]

Ahh. I've never tried drugs (apart from alcohol and cigarettes).

Ron.

Good on you Ron. Ive never touched the stuff (apart from alchohol)

[p38arover]

but if they drug tested in the place I work now, they wouldn't have any operators left:D

We get random alcohol and drug tested.

A few blokes have lost their jobs.

Ron