10 signs you might be a Taliban...

[drivesafe]

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my butt look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban...

1. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean

[Sprint]

love it!

[graceysdad]

Thats a good one

[Tango51]

Quality!
Where did that come from....the writers strike must have finished!

[drivesafe]

Quality!
Where did that come from....the writers strike must have finished!

Yeah, I can’t take the credit for this one, a mate in the USA sent it to me.

Cheers.

[procrastination inc]

Radicalism isn't limited to Islamic factions

check this out from :

Dancing in Taliban Blood! Praise Jesus! (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1101/talibanlist.html)


TOP TEN BIBLICAL WAYS TO WAGE WAR AGAINST THE TALIBAN:
Dancing in Taliban Blood: God's 10 Secrets for the Perfect War!

In this age of the secularization (Satanization) of society, America’s 21st century soldiers may not know how God wants them to behave while fighting our enemies. The following are the 10 most prominent Biblical tips for waging a Godly war in the Middle East.

10.AFTER CONQUERING A CITY, IF YOU FIND A DECENT LOOKING WOMAN UNDER ONE OF THOSE BEE KEEPER OUTFITS, MAKE HER YOUR SLAVE.

“And when the Lord thy God hath delivered [a city] into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself” (Deuteronomy 20:13-14).

“And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. . . . And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods” (Numbers 31:7-9).

9.THOUGH INCONVENIENT, WHEN KILLING THE PEOPLE, BE SURE TO NOT TO HURT THEIR TREES (‘CAUSE THAT WOULD BE WASTEFUL).

“When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayeth eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man’s life) to employ them in the siege” (Deuteronomy 20:19).

8.DON’T STOP WITH KILLING THEIR SOLDIERS. RUB IT IN. DIP YOUR FEET IN THEIR BLOOD AND LET YOUR DOGS DRINK IT.

“But God shall wound the head of his enemies, and the hairy scalp of such an one as goeth on still in his trespasses. The Lord said, I will bring again from Bashan, I will bring my people again from the depths of the sea: That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same” (Psalms 68:21-23).

7.DON’T ANONYMOUSLY KILL BIN LADEN AND OMAR IN A BOMBING RAID. AFTER KILLING THEIR FOLLOWERS, PUBLICLY HANG THEM FOR ALL TO SEE.

“For Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai. . . . And Joshua burnt Ai, and made it an heap for ever, even a desolation unto this day. And the king of Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide” (Joshua 8:26-29).

6.GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE. CUT OFF THEIR HANDS AND FEET BEFORE HANGING THEM.

“And David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron” (2 Samuel 4:12).

5.NEVER NEGOTIATE WITH THE ENEMY. KILL THEM, SHOWING NO MERCY AT ALL.

“And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them” (Deuteronomy 7:2).

4.DON’T BE A SISSY. HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR THESE NON-BELIEVERS. KILL THEM WHILE THEY’RE PRAYING IN CHURCH. KILL YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE, AND EVEN THOSE TOO FEEBLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES.

“But they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and misused his prophets, until the wrath of the Lord arose against his people, till there was no remedy. Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand” (2 Chronicles 36:16-17).

3.DON’T JUST KILL THE HEATHENS. STEAL THEIR PROPERTY AND GIVE IT TO THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION.

“And they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the Lord”(Joshua 6:24).

2.DON’T WASTE MONEY ON P.O.W. CAMPS. THROW YOUR CAPTIVES OFF A CLIFF.

“And Amaziah said to the man of God, But what shall we do for the hundred talents which I have given to the army of Israel? And the man of God answered, The Lord is able to give thee much more than this. . . . And Amaziah strengthened himself . . . and smote the children of Seir ten thousand. And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces” (2 Chronicles 25:9-12).

1.JUST REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE RULE: KILL EVERYTHING THAT BREATHES AND DESTROY EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

“But of the cities of these people, which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth” (Deuteronomy 20:16).

“Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city [of nonbelievers] with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword” (1 Samuel 13:15).

“And that day Joshua took Makkedah, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and the king thereof he utterly destroyed, them, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain: and he did to the king of Makkedah as he did unto the king of Jerico. Then Joshua passed from Makkedah, and all Israel with him, unto Libnah, and fought against Libnah: And the Lord delivered it also, and the king thereof, into the hand of Israel: and he smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain in it” (Joshua 10:29-30).

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass” (1 Samuel 15:3)....

Making the "enemy" more strange and alien than they are in reality is the basis of dehumanisation and the first step in making genocide ok.

If we treat extremists the same way we believe they treat us, we too become extremists.

[procrastination inc]

Landover Baptist Church
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Jump to: navigation, search

The Landover Baptist Church is a web site that serves as the home of a fictional[1] Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net forum are a parody of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the USA, and of Westboro Baptist Church in particular.

[Chenz]

I can understand how easy it is to fall into the spell of the Taliban. There I was minding my own business driving a defender down the Hy River Track in the Simpson with all that sand and camels and before I knew it I was setting up a training camp.

I happens so quickly!!!!!

[img=http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/4573/242mx3.th.jpg] (http://img244.imageshack.us/my.php?image=242mx3.jpg)

[HAK]

Where not Muslem bashing are we :mad: and I thought this was Land Rover site

[sclarke]

Its funny how no one complains about this, but Gay or Black jokes get canned straight away....

I can see humor in this and the other racist jokes, but as this is a public forum, do you really want the unattracted attention???

My 30c

[Redback]

Its funny how no one complains about this, but Gay or Black jokes get canned straight away....

I can see humor in this and the other racist jokes, but as this is a public forum, do you really want the unattracted attention???

My 30c

Yes sorry, is in bad taste:(

Why does the majority suffer for a minorities bad deeds.

Baz.

[drivesafe]

I think you lot are starting to loose the plot and correct me if I’m wrong but what your saying is that although the Taliban is a terrorist organisation that finds no problem with not only murdering Christians but have murdered far more of their own countrymen, irrespective of those peoples religious beliefs, but because they are hiding behind the muslim faith, I’m a racist for posting this thread.

Tell me then, if I posted jokes about the KKK ( and if I found some funny jokes about the KKK I wouldn’t hesitate to post them ) would you lot say the same thing?

Because the KKK is the Christian equivalent to the Taliban.

Get a life folks, it’s a joke, not a racist slur!

[Patto110]

Not all muslims are associated with the taliban:mad:This is a general chat I thought.:wasntme:I rekon they are great:)

[RonMcGr]

I think you lot are starting to loose the plot and correct me if I’m wrong but what your saying is that although the Taliban is a terrorist organisation that finds no problem with not only murdering Christians but have murdered far more of their own countrymen, irrespective of those peoples religious beliefs, but because they are hiding behind the muslim faith, I’m a racist for posting this thread.

Tell me then, if I posted jokes about the KKK ( and if I found some funny jokes about the KKK I wouldn’t hesitate to post them ) would you lot say the same thing?

Because the KKK is the Christian equivalent to the Taliban.

Get a life folks, it’s a joke, not a racist slur!

Very true, however there is always one who will go for your throat :mad:

[Redback]

I wasn't saying that Tim, but with these types of posts people tend to generalise and then the humour becomes blurred.

Baz.

[drivesafe]

I wasn't saying that Tim, but with these types of posts people tend to generalise and then the humour becomes blurred.

Baz.

Hi Baz, no worries mate.

BTW do you by any chance have any good KKK jokes :twisted:

[Tango51]

I think you lot are starting to loose the plot and correct me if I’m wrong but what your saying is that although the Taliban is a terrorist organisation that finds no problem with not only murdering Christians but have murdered far more of their own countrymen, irrespective of those peoples religious beliefs, but because they are hiding behind the muslim faith, I’m a racist for posting this thread.

Tell me then, if I posted jokes about the KKK ( and if I found some funny jokes about the KKK I wouldn’t hesitate to post them ) would you lot say the same thing?

Because the KKK is the Christian equivalent to the Taliban.

Get a life folks, it’s a joke, not a racist slur!

I enjoy humour on all subjects so long as I feel the intent is humour.
Playing Devil's Advocate: Since Christianity has murdered and assassinated far more beings that Muslims (Yes, read your history) would you be as happy for the same kind or posts about that repulsive history?
In Sri Lanka Christian priests get murdered by Buddhists these days!

You see what I mean?
What do you think?

[BigJon]

I enjoy humour on all subjects so long as I feel the intent is humour.
Playing Devil's Advocate: Since Christianity has murdered and assassinated far more beings that Muslims (Yes, read your history) would you be as happy for the same kind or posts about that repulsive history?
In Sri Lanka Christian priests get murdered by Buddhists these days!

You see what I mean?
What do you think?

I just reread the original post.

It is about the Taliban specifically, not Muslims in general.
There is no mention of murder in the list.
If you have Christian jokes, bring em on, I say :D.

I for one can deal with jokes as jokes and leave the bleeding heart, feel good, don't hurt anyones feelings,etc to others.

Aussies are renowned for making jokes that are politically incorrect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Scallops]

I thought it was bloody funny - but I am a sicko.

[Tango51]

I also thought Drivesafes original post was funny, just funny.
I thought the discussion sprang up about Procrastinations post, I thought it quoted The q'oran<spelling?> but could have easily been the bible.
I liked the last lines, tempered it somewhat.

[Redback]

Hi Baz, no worries mate.

BTW do you by any chance have any good KKK jokes :twisted:

Ahhhh no, i got a couple of Irish ones:p:p

[Tango51]

Oh, all riiiight.
Ku Klux Klan Joke.

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’ No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic arose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
:D

[Scallops]

Oh, all riiiight.
Ku Klux Klan Joke.

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’ No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic arose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
:D

I'll pay that! :D:D:D

[Tango51]

What do you call it when the Ku Klux Klan march on City Hall?
A Bigot line.:o

[Outlaw]

KKK's favourite movie?
Boyz in the Hood

Why are KKK hoods pointed?
Easier to fit over the dunce cap.

[Tango51]

A few Christian jokes...
At the beach a little boy pulls on his mother's hand until they reach a dead seagull he wants her to see, laying there all crumpled in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

When some people came to dinner, the hostess turned to her six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mom answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
:D

[drivesafe]

Oh, all riiiight.
Ku Klux Klan Joke.

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’ No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic arose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
:D

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[BigJon]

All the above jokes -FUNNY :D:D. Thanks guys.

[Tank]

Ahhh, Religions, where would we be without them, this planet of ours would be standing room only, Regards Framk.

[RonMcGr]

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide

him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.

[RonMcGr]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome! So, how are you getting there?""We're taking Qantas." was the reply. "We got a great rate!""Qantas?!!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline!! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""Right," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him! He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Qantas's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old female flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope.""Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?""He asked me, 'Where'd you get the crappy haircut?'"

[RonMcGr]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have
A special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex
For one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
The husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is
There a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
Sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
Through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
Of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third
Week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the
Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my
Wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to
Pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her
Right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted
For over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'
Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means
You will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Woolworths either.'

[djhampson]

Those 3 are fantastic Ron :thumbsup: The Taliban one is good but I've seen that one before so it has lost its impact :)

[Rovernaut]

May ALLAH BLESS YOU SHAHIB, May you Dine in Heaven with 75 Virgins.:D

[RonMcGr]

Those 3 are fantastic Ron :thumbsup: The Taliban one is good but I've seen that one before so it has lost its impact :)

Glad you liked them :D

I've some some more somewhere :)

[RonMcGr]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[RonMcGr]

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started
by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran
his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to
run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and
then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently
feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further
down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his
side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"