Application: Permission to date my daughter.

[VladTepes]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________ _________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________ ________________________

HOME ADDRESS_________________ ______ STATE___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________ ________________________ _____________
________________________ ________________________ _____________________

Number of years they have been married ________________________ ______

If less than your age, explain
________________________ ________________________ ____________________



ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

________________________ ________________________ ______________

________________________ ________________________ ______________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

________________________ ________________________ ______________

________________________ ________________________ ______________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

________________________ ________________________ ______________

________________________ ________________________ ______________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ________________________ ________________________ ___

How often you attend ________________________ ________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

________________________ ________________________ ______________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

________________________ ________________________ ______________

C: A woman's place is in the:

________________________ ________________________ ______________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

________________________ ________________________ ______________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________ _

________________________ ________________________ ______________

________________________ ________________________ ______________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

________________________ ________________________ ______________

G: What is the current going rate of a motel room? ___________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

________________________ ________________________ _________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


________________________ _______ ________________________ ________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature


________________________ ________________________ ________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative



________________________ _______ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

[CraigE]

Vlad,
I could fill the form out for you but it would have to be posted in the mudpit.:p:p
But anyone wanting to date my daughter, no answer will be right.:twisted:

[Col.Coleman]

I don't want to date her just take her 4wding up mount mee with some cheese and wine in my isuzu. Whattya think?

[VladTepes]

I don't want to date her just take her 4wding up mount mee with some cheese and wine in my isuzu. Whattya think?

I don;t have a daughter....... as far as I know BUT if I did - since you show such good taste (well, mostly) in cars and bikes, I'd allow the wine and cheese thing, but I'd come along with the shotty. You know, just in case !

[graceysdad]

When signing the application you should also make sure its signed by the great great grand parents on both sides

[Col.Coleman]

10 or 12 guage?

[stusgonesailing]

10 or 12 guage?

one in each hand

[B92 8NW]

"Protective daddies" think they are pretty good, but they're actually quite remiss in their duties. They tend to close the gate after the horse has bolted. Ronan Keating did a pretty good job when he summed it up as "Try as they may, they could never define what's been transferred between your body and mine"

VINCERO!!!

[Col.Coleman]

you don't need to worry about any bloke who listens to Ronan Keating.

[graceysdad]

12 guage with Bird Frite is enough to send any potential happy humper on his way. Then again looking down the barrel of an old 455 Webley is also going to induce the need to change underpants

[graceysdad]

Who is Ronan Keating? Paul keatings son perhaps

[B92 8NW]

you don't need to worry about any bloke who listens to Ronan Keating.

Except the father does... backs against walls:o

[p38arover]

Who is Ronan Keating?

[abaddonxi]

Who is Ronan Keating? Paul keatings son perhaps


Who is Ronan Keating?

What happened? Google break down again?:p

Ronan Keating - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronan_Keating)

Not to be confused with Patrick Keating, son of former PM.
The punch-up, the paperwork and the PM's son - National - smh.com.au (http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2006/04/26/1145861419444.html)

Cheers
Simon

[rick130]

and dear old Dad did indeed greet a potential suitor of my little sister at the front door once with a No4 Mk1. :eek:

Another who had been asked not to call again and yet kept ringing was fixed by yours truly. :twisted:
After dear little sis had advised for the umpteenth time she didn't want to see him and not to call again, I grabbed the phone and in my best camp voice told him I batted for the other team, thought he was cute and asked him out as my 'friends' and I would like to get to know him better to see if he preferred hanging with the 'boys' instead......
He never rang again......:D

[Relay]

This is so like my dad was...:D

Was being the operative word. As the story goes; my mother and he were walking through Westfield one day, and saw a group of teenage girls in the mini-school-skirts, high white socks, tight white shirts and black shoes. My mother (gotta love her); pointed out..."Well, she can be like them, or she can date Matt. It's your choice."

I've been dating Matt ever since XD! He's a good boy anyways!

[Hucksta]

You forgot to put this rule in..........

"What ever you do to my daughter I am going to do to you, make no mistake son, you are meddling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend"


That sort of gets them thinking .......

Isn't Ronan KEATING on days of our lives .......

Hucksta

[WOLLAPIT85]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME: WOLLAPIT85 DATE OF BIRTH: 1986
HEIGHT__2.3 WITH RACK_________ WEIGHT____1850________ IQ__3.5 EFI________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER __SALLHAML3CA368973_______________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___35 SIMEX JT_______________ ________________________

HOME ADDRESS_____MELBOURNE____________ ______ STATE___VIC________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ____ALL MY CREATORS WERE MALE_____________
________________________ ________________________ _____________________

Number of years they have been married ____0____________________ ______

If less than your age, explain
________________________ ________________________ ____________________



ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __I AM SOUGHT OF

B. A truck with oversized tires? __I AM

C. A waterbed? __Yes I HAVE COILS

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __ONLY IF ITS ****ING DOWN

E. A tattoo? __Yes I HAVE STICKERS

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes SNORKEL AND BARS

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

A STYLE OF MANUFACTURING A CUP OF COFFEE

________________________ ________________________ ______________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

YOU BREAK YOU BUY

________________________ ________________________ ______________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

AVOIDING PANEL DAMAGE

________________________ ________________________ ______________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ____HARDCORE________________________ ___

How often you attend ____WHEN POSSIBLE________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? __WHEN INTOXICATED______

Mother?___WHEN EVER___

Priest or Pastor? __PASTA AT DINNER TIME___________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

_____________________OUTBACK______________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_______________________AXLE______________

C: A woman's place is in the:

IN THE BUSH GATHERING MOSS ROLLING EGGS IN A BASKET____

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

________________________ MY FLYWHEEL ______________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________ _

_______________________A TUFF TRUCK______________

________________________ ________________________ ______________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

________________________ HER REAR BAR ______________

G: What is the current going rate of a motel room? _____WOULD NOT KNOW____

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_____WOLLA P 85___________________ ________________________ _________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_____________CSK_____ _______ ________________________ ________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature


________________________ ________________________ ________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative



________________________ _______ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine..........

[stevo68]

Good one, will print off a few of those and have ready for what will hopefully be many many years off. By then with luck will be out on 100's of acres, barbed wire fences and trained attack dogs roaming the perimeter :twisted:,

Regards

Stevo

[MickG]

Good one, will print off a few of those and have ready for what will hopefully be many many years off. By then with luck will be out on 100's of acres, barbed wire fences and trained attack dogs roaming the perimeter :twisted:,

Regards

Stevo

Sure i'm not the first to tell you Stevo, but you are going to have your hands full fighting would be suiters away from your daughter;) I do however pitty the blokes that even try:D

Several years before I have to worry about Hannah, but I can say, I worry:( Although, she has a couple of older brothers who will hopfully take on some of the work load keeping the dogs from the door so to speak:p

Great Q&A Vlad:D

[FenianEel]

Top Gear that Vlad, bng on! hahaha

As a Father of an 18y.o. daughter (and 10 & 8!) will print out several copies.
V. similar to the rules she has. Her friends (male & female) know they are all welcome here, but any carrying on like tools, or "unauthorised activities" and "Danger Dad" comes out:twisted:

Before schoolies I told her, "love you, be careful, be sensible - don't come back with anything in, on or hanging from your body that wasn't there when you left." :D

[MickG]

don't come back with anything in, on or hanging from your body that wasn't there when you left." :D

Gold:D:D

[disco2hse]

After dear little sis had advised for the umpteenth time she didn't want to see him and not to call again, I grabbed the phone and in my best camp voice told him I batted for the other team, thought he was cute and asked him out as my 'friends' and I would like to get to know him better to see if he preferred hanging with the 'boys' instead......
He never rang again......:D

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[jimbo110]

When I saw the thread title I thought you wanted to date your own daughter Vlad :eek:

Bit like the couple (father & daughter) that made the news recently :angel:
That's what I thought too! I know Vlad's a sick puppy, but that's going a bit too far :eek:

[LandyAndy]

Try finding "Trunk Monkey" on Google or Utube.
They showed it on the last course I did.
Real funny,if anybody finds it post a link.
Andrew

[amshaw]

Had better not say what I was thinking.......:angel: , naah bugger it, Im Looking at trading in the wife for a youger model........:eek: Any pics of said daughter's , fully clothed of course....hope the ex doesnt see this......:)

[McDisco]

I don;t have a daughter....... as far as I know BUT if I did - since you show such good taste (well, mostly) in cars and bikes, I'd allow the wine and cheese thing, but I'd come along with the shotty. You know, just in case !

Bugger! I was going to ask if she is a hottie! :D

[Sandtoyz]

Try This...
Trunk Monkey Chaperone
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2008/04/405.jpg (http://s80.photobucket.com/albums/j168/SandToyZ_2006/Funny%20Stuff/?action=view&current=2d9f6f0a.flv)

[LandyAndy]

Thats the one,:D:D:D:D:D
Andrew

[VladTepes]

That's what I thought too! I know Vlad's a sick puppy, but that's going a bit too far :eek:

Don't blame me you are the sickos that thought of it !