Things I've learnt..... [Archive] - Australian Land Rover Owners

digger

29th May 2008, 01:11 AM

Ill throw some more in whilst Im at it....
(at least Im enjoying myself!!)

THINGS TO PONDER
1.. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
6.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
7.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
8.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
9.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
10.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
11.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
12.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
13. Procrastinate Now!
14.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
15.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
16.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
17.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
18.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
19.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
20.. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished..

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

18. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

19. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?":eek:

22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs and step in monkey poop."

23. "Yeah, we have a quota Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

24. "In God we trust, all others we run through the computer."

25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

ahhh, now I feel better...

digger

11th June 2008, 02:21 AM

just a few more......i may have done some of these, if so sorry!

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose sick idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there going to be specially reserved parking spaces for 'non handicapped' people at the Para Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... (and never start again…)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's backside.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

just thought id ask...
digger

digger

12th June 2008, 01:45 AM

but ive never been one to take a hint.......

hope you enjoy these...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?:o

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?:angel:

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?:D

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?:p

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of wanted criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $3.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Australia Port Power are known as the 'Power' and the Manly Sea Eagles are known as the eagles, and in America the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Gold Coast Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo? :eek:

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door? :confused:

cheers

Digger

(ps feel free to join in!!!)

digger

24th July 2008, 01:07 AM

ME AGAIN,

WHY DOES SUPERMAN STAND PERFECTLY STILL AND LET BULLETS BOUNCE OFF HIS CHEST BUT DUCK WHEN THE BAD GUY THROWS THE EMPTY GUN AT HIM???

**MAYBE THIS THREAD SHOULD BE SLUNG INTO THE AULRO FORUM? JUST A THOUGHT!**

DIGGER

ellard

24th July 2008, 07:34 AM

little things youve learnt either whilst working on a landy

Always get plently of pictures prior to starting a resortation project - as its a great asset when doing final assembly.

All the best

Wayne

digger

6th August 2008, 09:34 AM

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over. :o

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton. :mad:

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...':angel:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Bugger off, you won't bring it back.' :twisted:

Tommy

6th August 2008, 03:11 PM

LOL :lol2: Keep 'em coming Digger.

digger

7th August 2008, 10:34 PM

some more......

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. :p

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. :twobeers:

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! :wheelchair:

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. :spudnikhattip:

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. :bangin:

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. :whistling:

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.:D

CLEVER SIGNS

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.

On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.

On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.

In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...

At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.

And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
I may have repeated some if I did sorry...
have a great day
digger

Sleepy

7th August 2008, 10:43 PM

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

Nice one(s) digger!:D

digger

7th August 2008, 11:00 PM

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -

Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

GOOD LUCK!

digger

1st September 2008, 12:25 AM

52 things you would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. (CENSORED--SORRY WAS VERY BAD TASTE)

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f*@k-up fairy has visited us again

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a ****.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of View.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*@king people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over
your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

digger

digger

1st September 2008, 12:26 AM

REMEMBER

SILENCE IS GOLDEN.....

BUT DUCT TAPE IS SILVER........:D:D

digger

5th September 2008, 02:44 PM

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ............

'Ministers Do More Than Lay People':o

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.:D

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the toilet.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.':p

11. Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way :eek:

timaus13

6th September 2008, 06:23 AM

U have just made mi day cheers.
:arms::twobeers::thumbsup::banana::Rolling::TakeAB ow::TakeABow::TakeABow::TakeABow::TakeABow::TakeAB ow:

digger

19th September 2008, 10:26 AM

todays installment - its a long one!
Digger

I woke up and wondered what was happening…. Where was everyone? Where did they all go? An old man walked up and asked "Did you sleep well?"
I answered "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
It was then that I remembered why I was there, I had been wearing some prescription eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.I was blind again! I had been going to get some money out at the bank, I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I didn't have that much time…I had already stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
I needed to get some money to pay for more petrol, my car uses a lot of petrol. I have done a lot of work on my car, recently I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the accelerator, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 150 miles per hour! :DI replaced the headlights in my landrover with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.:twisted: I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 kilometres". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Before I ran out of fuel I was going 140 kilometres an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 60 kilometres per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." He gave me a ticket…I remember the last time a cop pulled me over, it was for running a stop sign.( My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.’) He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I still needed petrol so I walked into the service station and they had a TV going, I watched some of the Bathurst race, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I realise all my problems stemmed from my childhood, My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio, And the dog we had…What a dog. His favourite bone was in my arm!"

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. (He was in the electric chair.), It was bad, I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said. I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.:eek:
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He looked at me and said,.. On your mark...:o

On Halloween the parents sent their kids out looking like me….. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. I even remember that on my first day of childcare my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes
:p
I started to recall the things I have learnt in my life, things like……..Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I realised I was going to be late for work, I’m a police officer, I had had a terrible day at work yesterday…it started going bad when we were called urgently to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
As we left there the call came across the radio, The short fortune teller who was a master thief had escaped from prison. Yes so now he was a small medium at large. I hoped it ended better than the last escapee I chased, he was a petty thief but as I chased him through the construction site, the thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. I arrested him but he became a hardened criminal.:nazilock:

I had arrested the petty thief 3 years earlier, he had stolen a calendar and he got twelve months. He was on parole for that when I caught him stealing corn from a garden, I charged him with stalking.
Later I found a bunch of kids walking along the street, one had a pocket full of fireworks and the other was carrying a car battery. I charged one and let the other one off. I took the other kids back to school, I studied history at school and I remember that the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. while there I realised that we'll never run out of math teachers because they always seem to multiply.

Later I was patrolling the park and was called to a job where an accident had happened, As I neared the scene I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I got up and looked at the accident, it was a street busker who had been juggling chainsaws, he slipped and his whole left side was cut off. Don’t worry, He's all right now.

Later I went to a riot that started when dead batteries were given out free of charge. There in the mellee I saw a dentist and a manicurist fight tooth and nail. I stopped them and checked my watch to see the time, it was then I realised my watch was hungry, (I know when my watch is hungry because it goes back four seconds!!.):cool:

I went back into the station, where they told me that the guy who fell onto an upholstery machine 2 weeks ago was fully recovered. I tried to get on the computer, which is on the Local Area Network in Australia: “The LAN down under.” It didn’t work, a new rookie came up and asked me if cops arrest a mime, should they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The computer started and an email told me they were going to repossess my house, it was then I realised that you are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. As a cop I know that a lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. I went to see my sergeant, as I walked into his office he broke into song, after listening to him sing I realised why he broke into song it was because he couldn't find the key.

I saw that it was the 15th of the month, and I realised that my calendar's days are numbered. I drove to the local shops, When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. As I walked in I remembered when I was an apprentice baker while I was still at school, back then Bakers traded bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Before that I had worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.:wasntme:

I saw a photo of a girl I used to know under it, the caption said, When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. I remember that this girl killed herself in France…I thought If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

Before I was there long we were called to a murder scene, It was a local Mexican man named Juan Gonzales. He had been almost blown in two by some sort of gun, We called he detectives in, they looked quickly and one said “Uh, yes I see now?”

"You can see how was he killed?" I asked one detective.

"Yes, he was shot with a golf gun," the detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" I said

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!":angel::twisted::angel:
I spoke to him and then spoke to the crime scene guy and out of the blue he said to me, “Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs, master criminals I reckon. Be careful because footprints we found but there are no finger-prints anywhere….” He was right I couldn’t recall any dinosaur being convicted….
I left the scene….
I started thinking about mortality, I intend to live forever,. “So far, so good” I thought. Then I saw the local idiot that makes working here miserable, He walked up and immediately started talking. “I didn’t do it” he bleated, “I believe that honesty is the best policy”
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others? I asked, he started to stutter but my partner Ken, walked up and interrupted him, “I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the nappy?”
There was no reply – the scumbag walked away..
Thanks mate, I said, whats up why do you look so sad? He said, I went to see the new movie ”Constipation?”, Oh yeah I said, whats it like? It hasn’t come out yet, he said…

I walked down the road wondering about the usual things,
How does a spy know when he’s run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
I was still mulling over my bad luck of late… I was on a date recently, and I took the lady horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of 20 cent pieces. :pI realised that I needed to relax, after work I participate in full-contact origami. It is very relaxing because years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.:(
I know that money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I did realise that I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Some things still bother me, like If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?, If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples! :angel:
I have learnt things being a cop, like that Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving, that Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. And that outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I used to wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? With all my experiences I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done.
A number of years ago I met a blonde girl, when I met her she had red hair, She dyed her hair so much, her driver's license had a colour wheel." I knew she was a blonde though because since I’ve been going out with her…she tripped over a cordless phone, ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind....she got stabbed in a shoot-out....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it....she tried to drown a fish....if you gave her a 2c for her thoughts, you'd get change back....they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade…..I stopped seeing her because she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death.

We had a girl, the other day she came home, she is a second grader and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

Grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied Sarah. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
I like being a Dad, and it doesn’t really cost much to have fun with your kids, Like most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.:confused:

Whenever Sarah asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell her is "God is crying." And if she asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell her is "probably because of something you did."

I did learn that when a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her because they think that a man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Being a cop for so long I have realised that Common sense is the least common of all senses. I can tell you don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them. I realise that having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool. In know that some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. I learnt the hard way that the only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
My Sergeant ,Ken, got divorced and he bought his daughter the new "Divorce Barbie"
It comes with all of Ken's stuff. :oHe went to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" Yesterday he said to me, "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
I reckon that anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. --
I've used up all my sick days, so now days I'm calling in dead. I get sick a lot which is unusual because I have the body of a god -----Buddha!. The doctor gave me a pamphlet and when I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

No wonder I get crook, I mean Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? I have remarried, I think when you remarry you understand a lot more, I think it's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday, She isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

I’ve been looking to sleep around, the other day a girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home! So I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

I still ponder the deeper things, like Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why are cigarettes sold in service stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there interstate highways in Tasmania?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? How did a fool and his money get together? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? How do they get kangaroos to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship styrofoam? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? :mad:

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Maybe I’ll just call it a day and go home, so as I drove home I passed a traffic light where 1,500 chinese workers were changing the green globe at the traffic light. I stopped and asked him why so many workers and why all Chinese?

He said that it was a conficious traffic light…. I told him I didn’t understand and he said, you know, many hands make light work…:mad:

I drove on…I pulled up next to a Zen Buddhist and heard him say to the hot dog vender……"Make me one with everything.":D
I realised that There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.:o;):D
When I got home, just before I went to sleep I thought Gee, Nostalgia ain't what it used to be..

digger

9th October 2008, 02:11 AM

still going............

more things Ive learnt
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. :o

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? :D

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My mate told me to get a new defender for my wife; it'll be a great trade! :angel:

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. :)

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Save the whales. Japan has almost Collected the whole set :twisted::eek:

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date! :confused:

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system. :cool:

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

have a great day! (join in at anytime!)
digger

digger

9th October 2008, 11:56 AM

JAPAN JITTERS
A.J.OAK - special correspondent

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, it appears uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days...
*Origami Bank has folded,
*Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday in one day it was announced that-
*Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black, and have not yet 'turned turtle'.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Further recession is likely to occur in the near future.

UncleHo

9th October 2008, 08:59 PM

:Rolling::Rolling::woot::Rolling::lol2::clap2:

gdcd74

10th October 2008, 03:38 PM

Excellent, i cant compete with those, they are just great, great i tells ya!!!!!
Maybe we should send them to "beyond blue" -organisation for depression - someone might smile-i know i did!!!!
cheers
John

digger

13th October 2008, 11:21 PM

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. :o

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. :D

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again:confused:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? :eek:

have a great day

digger

digger

10th November 2008, 10:59 AM

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of subjective tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't ****, g rocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a veg etarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off b y going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word< U> UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so............ it is time to shut UP .!

zulu Delta 534

10th November 2008, 07:02 PM

Myself, I would have said in #9, The Dove dived into the bushes.
But rather than dwell on Americanisms, I do enjoy this type of humour, keep it coming.
Glen

chazza

11th November 2008, 08:24 AM

"English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race,..."

She offered her honour;
He honoured her offer,
and all night long he was onner, and offer. :D

I agree "dived" not "dove",

Cheers Charlie

digger

12th November 2008, 12:57 AM

I agree with the comments guys, but I was, in fact, too lazy to take them out!!! (sorry!)

Try this one on....

(once again Im just posting it, dont shoot the messenger!!!)

RULES FOR GUNFIGHTS

Royal Australian Infantry Rules for Gunfights: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no-one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a weapon whose magazine capacity does not start with a '3' and end with a '0'.
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. :rocket:
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the calibre, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating.

4 RAR (Cdo) Rules For Gunfight: 1. Look very cool in sunglasses. :cool:
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SASR Rules For Gunfights:
1. Walk in 100 km wearing 50kilo pack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted because 'Higher' is going to send 4 RAR (Cdo) in by vehicle instead. :censored:
5. Walk out 100 km wearing a 50kilo pack while starving.

3RAR Rules For Gunfights: 1. Select a new beret to wear. Ensure beret is 2 sizes too small for your head. :spudnikdaddyo:
2. Sew unique para wings on right shoulder. Put beret on.
3. Decide breeze is too strong to jump from plane. Stand around in your pretty beret.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted because 'Higher' is going to send 4 RAR (Cdo) in by vehicle instead.
5. Get shot for wearing a red beret to a gunfight.

Royal Australian Air Force Rules For Gunfights: 1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on pay TV
4. Determine 'what is a gunfight'
5. Request more funding from Government with a 'killer' Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Parliamentarians, invite ADF officials & defence industry executives :beer:
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the grunts

Royal Australian Navy Rules For Gunfights: 1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn :spudnikdiscoball::o
4. Send the grunts

have a good day!!:D
Digger!

digger

23rd November 2008, 12:10 AM

AS ABOVE ,
see below.

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Enough said.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.:eek:

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.:D

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.:cool:

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of
Manlaws,Ltd. :):angel:

thanks
digger

digger

3rd December 2008, 02:38 PM

Im a bit down today, my friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him under. :p
***

It happened not long after he woke up in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.' :eek::eek:
***

Then a while later he said 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.' :p
***

I took his Rottweiler to the vet for him. 'This dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.' :eek:
***

So I went home --later my wife awoke during the night to find that I was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for me.

She finds me sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of me.

I appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watched as I wiped a tear from my eye and took a sip of my coffee.:(

'What's the matter, dear? 'she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

I looked up from the coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then? 'I says solemnly.

My wife is touched to tears thinking that I am so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

I paused. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside me.

I continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

I wiped another tear from my cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.':o

have a great day!!
digger

digger

3rd December 2008, 02:42 PM

digger

3rd December 2008, 02:59 PM

THE OTHER DAY MY LITTLE BOY ASKS ME WHERE POO COMES FROM?:(:(

:eek:I EXPLAINED THAT FOOD PASSED DOWN THE OESOPHAGUS TO THE STOMACH WHERE DIGESTIVE ENZYMES INDUCE A PROBIOTIC REACTION IN THE ALIMENTARY CANAL TO EXTRACT PROTEIN BEFORE WASTE PRODUCTS DESCEND VIA THE COLON AND RECTUM TO EMERGE AS "POO.":angel:

"BUGGER ME " SAYS MY LITTLE BOY, "AND WHAT ABOUT TIGGER?":o:o:o

D-Fender

3rd December 2008, 03:17 PM

Oh mate this is all too much, so damn funny :D:D:D:D

I liked the one about the f-16 and the C-130. Good work with all these posts, extremely funny

Cheers!
Andy.

digger

6th December 2008, 12:06 AM

ethical dilemma

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You are in Darwin, NT to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. You only
have limited film, There are houses and people swirling around you,
some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its
destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his
life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer ?
somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's
Kevin RUDD. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to pull him under.

You have two options --- you can save the life of "Kev" or you
can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Price winning photo, documenting the death
of the Australian Prime Minister.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast colour, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

digger

D-Fender

6th December 2008, 12:23 AM

Although I think the Black and white would really grab the drama of Kev's Demise I would have to go with the high contrast color, :D:D:D i love it, nice

Cheers!
Andy.

Fourgearsticks

7th December 2008, 12:56 PM

Only oldfarts need read this one.

Never leave the haemeroid cream in the same drawer as the toothpaste or in the next drawer down with the dencorub.

digger

8th December 2008, 09:56 PM

I "borrowed" this from another site, but believe it is appropriate here...

You know you own a land rover when….
When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk. :o
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
*:twisted:
* If even Elizabeth girls turn you down after they`ve seen your car.
* If 10 kgs of of prime top soil fall on the roadway when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the flemish winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants gladly greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Tasmania
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's supply shop

* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the roadworthy mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When you find a carburettor between salt and pepper in the kitchen
* When a Russian women observes 'these are not women's hands' and someone adds 'just don't ask her what she has been repairing this time...'
* When your friends steal imperial sockets for you as a wedding present
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it!
* You can't decide whether to park on a hill in case your starter fails or on the flat in case your handbrake fails. :D:D:D
* You put your coat on as you get INTO your car.
* You keep degreaser in the shower.
* When you borrow your Mums 1litre Holden Barina it feels like a sports car.
* You get lent to elderly relatives and their friends to get the compost from the garden centre. Two tonnes at a time.
* Your friends all want to ride in your car if you're going less than three miles. If you're travelling more than three miles, they volunteer to walk.
* Your mates laugh at your car until theirs needs pulling out of a ditch.
"If, whilst driving, you frequently turn down the volume of the stereo .... to check for new noises"
*You stop at a petrol station to top up oil and to check the petrol level
*Your washing machine never gets unemployed
*Your favourite books are the parts catalogue and the repair operation manual
* the wife says “its me or that thing” and she takes one look at you and starts packing
* I can trust my husband: if he stays out all night long it's because he's stuck in the forest and not because of another women
* When you don't worry when your hubby says he takes out the Landy for half an hour and he doesn't come back all night long
* When you are buying dark nail varnish only to hide away black marks under the finger nails
* When you ask for "Epsom Green" when buying nail varnish
* When your living room looks like a scrap-yard
* When you find landy-bits all over your place (and I mean: ALL over the place!)
* When your dishwasher dies because of engine oil sediments
* When your house-owner asks you to stop putting Rangie-bits all over the cellar (but you don't know where to put them in the flat)
* Reps in nice shiny motorway cars laugh derisively except when it snows
* your driveway has an environmental health warning
* police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket
* people in VW camper vans follow you so they can watch someone else break down
* everyone in the landy dealer knows you by name
* you have bulk discounts at the landy dealer parts counter
* When the men at The landrover wreckers know you better than your wife.
* When your wife say's the men at The landrover wreckers see you more.
* Other motorists laugh at your attempt at a 3 point turn in your Series 3 Land Rover.

this was (obviously) written by landrover lovers...I borrowed it but I reckon
most of it is fair dinkum!

Have a great day

digger

digger

14th December 2008, 11:26 PM

me again!!

after FOURGEARSTICKS gave us the "cream" advice...I felt old...so I thought What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your land rover in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

have a GREAT CHRISTMAS everyone!!

Digger

KiwiKev

16th December 2008, 12:41 PM

I know its not about Rover's and its along the lines of the F16 and C-130 post earlier.
Some years ago I met an ex WWII RAF Pilot, a kiwi, at an Air Cadet Dinner. This old guy had wanted to be a fighter pilot but due to reasons that he did not want to go into ended up as a Sunderland Pilot flying around the approaches to England rescuing downed pilots as well as escorting a number of lost fighters back to England. Apparently the fighter Jocks, some thing never change, use to give the Sunderlnd and Walrus pilots a fair bit of ribbing in the mess. This old guy said that their favourite stunt to put the fighter pilots in their place was to continuely throttle back as the Spits and Hurricanes would get close to them, as the Sunderlands stall speed is obviously considerably less than a fighters, in worse case they could land on the sea, the fighter could not.
The problem was that as the speed was reduced on the SUnderland below the stall speed of the fighter the fighter would fall out of the sky, a good pilot would recover from the stll and never rib the rescue pilots again.

Marry Xmas to all and your families
Kevin

digger

3rd January 2009, 01:25 AM

A man walking along a Melbourne beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you

one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?":o:D:D

cheers
digger

digger

3rd January 2009, 01:28 AM

HAVE YOU ALL NOTICED WE HAVE COME TO
RELY ON COMPUTERS TOO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING?

For instance, are you a man or a woman?
Look down...

Not on the computer - you idiot!!!

Cheers
digger

digger

3rd January 2009, 01:33 AM

THIS MAKES THREE IN A ROW...SORRY:angel:

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have

an oil shortage here in Australia.

Well, there's a very simple answer

... nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Bass Straight, outback SA., North West Shelf and

the Timor Sea.

......

.......

:D:DAll our dipsticks are in Canberra. :D:D

digger

17th January 2009, 10:02 AM

So I spent my Christmas break travelling about the place, visiting some friends and a heap of relatives.

I spent a very interesting week in BLINMAN….I thought I’d share it with you all…

First I met a roofer in the front bar, he told me he had just come from a wedding of Two antennas who met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but he says the reception was excellent.;)

He told me about a wedding 5 years ago, An invisible man married an invisible woman. He says the kids were nothing to look at either.:angel:

While he was talking to me a man was refused access to the bar because he wasn’t wearing a tie, (it’s a toffy pub that BLINMAN pub) He left but came back with a set of jumper leads around his neck, he walked into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.':o

On Tuesday three men walked into the bar, he fourth one, seeing these blokes all hit it stopped before he hit it...:)

Yesterday I saw two peanuts walk into the bar, and one was a salted.:o

This morning a dyslexic man walks into the bra.:confused:

Last week I went to a seafood disco here...and pulled a mussel.:p:p

They had a one beer per person limit so I walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under my arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.' :angel:

I saw there were two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?':wasntme:

I saw the local doctor at the bar, ‘thank god’ I said, 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

He looked at me 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

I was worried, 'Is it common ?'

He said, 'Well, It's Not Unusual.' :mad:

After drinking there for a while I made friends with a barmaid and her husband, she tells me when she was very young she had twins, and gave them up for adoption.

One of them went to a family from Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family from Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Opening the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.':eek::eek:

I suddenly got Deja Moo: (The feeling that you've heard this bull before.)
I saw that a group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the reception area discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.':D:cool:

This was too much for me, so I went outside and talked to a fisherman in the carpark…..he looked at me seriously and said, What do you call a fish with no eyes ?, I shrugged…”A fsh” he said.

Then he told me about the ancient fishermans tale of two fish swimming into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other & says, 'Dam !' :)

Then he told me of when he fished in the “polar region” and he saw two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.:(

I told him of Mahatma Gandhi,who as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.:p

I had to go, as I drove away I saw two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.:o

I stopped at an army disposals shop to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, they said they had lots of stock but I couldn't find any.

Finally, there was the person who sent different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
DIGGER

digger

17th January 2009, 10:16 PM

The Box Office

The times are changing...

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits,
etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'Now It's The Box Office.'

Digger

digger

18th January 2009, 01:34 PM

The internet is great...been chatting online to a 14yo girl..she is funny, sexy,
and very flirty..
Now she tells me she is an undercover cop...!!!...

How cool is that at her age....!!!!

(Just joking!!)

Bigbjorn

18th January 2009, 02:42 PM

Royal Australian Air Force Rules For Gunfights: 1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on pay TV
4. Determine 'what is a gunfight'
5. Request more funding from Government with a 'killer' Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Parliamentarians, invite ADF officials & defence industry executives :beer:
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the grunts

Royal Australian Navy Rules For Gunfights: 1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn :spudnikdiscoball::o
4. Send the grunts

have a good day!!:D
Digger!
you missed out rhese operating procedures of the blue orchids:-

Check calendar to see if the gunfight request is not on a weekend or public holiday.

Look at clock to see if the request is in office hours.

Check to see if weather is inclement and thus the request can be referred back to the grunts.

d@rk51d3

20th January 2009, 10:06 PM

How about the mexican fireman who had twins.

He called the first child Hosea.

The second he called Hose b.

digger

21st January 2009, 01:09 AM

How about the mexican fireman who had twins.

He called the first child Hosea.

The second he called Hose b.

NAH .....THAT WASNT A MEXICAN, :twisted:(IT WASNT ANY VICTORIAN!:o) THAT WAS ELLARD, HE'S OBSESSED BY FIREFIGHTING YOU KNOW!:D

(DUCKS AS GRENADE THROWN AMONGST PIDGEONS)

digger

28th January 2009, 11:21 PM

You know you're Australian if:

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.:o

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, lobsters and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastar*' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastar*'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Pineapple-- Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song / Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again /.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

Hope you had a happy Australia Day!

digger

9th February 2009, 03:37 AM

Theyve fixed my car!!

I know its off topic but I had trouble getting the motor on HORRIE to run smoothly.... I took it to a mechanic who has it running smoothly now!!

I asked him what it was, was it something I did wrong or didnt do?

he replied, "ahh its nothing much just crap in the carby"

So I need to know how often should I do this and should I use a sieve?:D:angel:

digger

digger

14th February 2009, 01:37 AM

since it is valentines day today....

(notes that half the blokes reading just went "what, oh &*%*, and ran towards car and shops)

I deceided to be nice to my wife and so I went into her work and in front of everyone I gave her, with much aplomb, her favorite flower...

bugger me, she went absolutely bersek, she was mad at me!!!:o:o:(

how can I bloke win???:mad:

I know she likes surprises, it couldnt be that....:confused:

I know it was valentines day, so not that....:confused:

I know its her favourite flower, she always buys self raising.....:twisted:

(night night----from the doghouse!)

digger

digger

5th March 2009, 11:43 PM

ahh my own thread!!!
just so as you all know Ive been let back into the house after valentines day!!

have you guys been watching this financial crisis thing develop???

I calculate that if the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ...

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!:vampire::whistling:

And don't you just know it, when these two banks merge, it would still be full of bloody *******.

.have a nice day...

digger

digger

13th March 2009, 10:44 AM

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. ...apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
I sugest you start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12 / We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

digger

digger

27th March 2009, 01:24 PM

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'

digger

8th April 2009, 05:56 PM

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT MAN-FLU

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men)

2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of coffee are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast.)

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of coffee, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat this monstrous disease together.

Blknight.aus

8th April 2009, 09:12 PM

F-16 vs C-130

THERE IS A MORAL HERE!

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier..

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that ?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!Older folks understand this one.

digger

and the other one...

the F111 Pilot was ribbing the pilot of the C-130 that was ferrying over some stuff doing all the show off manouvers and generally being something of a whacker.

the 130 pilot kept edging him with replies to the effect of that, thats nice but its still not as impressive as the trick I can do that you cant and if you can I'll buy you a months worth of latte when we land. Which would lead the 111 pilot into doing more death defying airframe twisting wing ripping manouvers.

finally sounding exhausted the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot to do the manouver so that he might have a go a replicating it. the 130 pilot obliged.

After a further 2 minutes of straight and level the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot when he was going to do his trick

the 130 pilot came back with. Look closely I just shut down 2 engines.

digger

8th April 2009, 11:23 PM

and the other one...

the F111 Pilot was ribbing the pilot of the C-130 that was ferrying over some stuff doing all the show off manouvers and generally being something of a whacker.

the 130 pilot kept edging him with replies to the effect of that, thats nice but its still not as impressive as the trick I can do that you cant and if you can I'll buy you a months worth of latte when we land. Which would lead the 111 pilot into doing more death defying airframe twisting wing ripping manouvers.

finally sounding exhausted the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot to do the manouver so that he might have a go a replicating it. the 130 pilot obliged.

After a further 2 minutes of straight and level the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot when he was going to do his trick

the 130 pilot came back with. Look closely I just shut down 2 engines.

love it!!

Will be ringing my mate in the raaf in the am!!
(no he's not a pilot but he'll love it!)
cheers BK!

digger

digger

30th April 2009, 07:58 PM

I found this very amusing.....hope you guys like it!!
digger

Subject: Gym Membership..

Read from the top of the email down .

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

digger

6th May 2009, 01:31 AM

USA quote of the month!!

They once said that a black man would be President when pigs flew.

His first 100 days and - wham, Pig's flu !!!

digger

16th June 2009, 10:00 PM

The Rural Recession has been explained to me in simple terms by an old-time
farmer:

"Whats wrong?" I asked
"Well, he said, "It all started back in 1966 when we changed from pounds to dollars - that doubled me bloody overdraft."

"I suppose it did", I chuckled

Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds - me bloody wool clip
dropped by half.

"It would have.." I said

"After that," he said, " they changed rain to millimetres and we haven't had an inch of rain since."

"Yeah it is a bit dry", I said

"If that wasn't enough, they brought on Celsius, and it never got over 40
degrees, no wonder me bloody wheat won't grow."

"Thats nasty isnt it," I said

"Then they changed acres to hectares, and I ended up with only half the
land I had." he said.

"Mongrels!" I said

"So," he says, "By this time I'd had enough and decided to sell out."

"Good on yer I reckon" I said

"I put the property in the agent's hand and then they changed miles to kilometres."

"The bastards!" I agreed

He says, "And now I'm too far out of town for anybody to buy the bloody
place!!"

have a nice day
:D

digger

20th June 2009, 01:28 AM

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer:

Princess Diana's death.

Question:

How come?

Answer:

An English princess with

An Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French Tunnel,

in a German car

With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian

Who was drunk On Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

Followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

An Australian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese Chips,

and a Korean monitor,

Assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

Transported by Indian truck-drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians,

Unloaded by Maltese wharfies,

and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders

That, my friends, is Globalisation !

digger

22nd June 2009, 12:30 PM

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain
announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and .......OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom...

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'bejebus you should see the back of mine!'

digger

22nd June 2009, 12:40 PM

Famous quotes about women and marraige...

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
David Bissonette

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
Sacha Guitry

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."
Anonymous

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?"
Dumas

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. "
Patrick Murra

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...."
Nash

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. "
Anonymous

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met. "
Henny Youngman

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Rodney Dangerfield

"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' "
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

digger

22nd June 2009, 12:46 PM

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.... Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

digger

25th June 2009, 01:35 AM

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a very elderly lady each day sitting on her front step happily smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing and at your age! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied. "

digger

25th June 2009, 01:48 AM

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates large parts of Asia causing the execution of thousands of birds by beheading!

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing and overseas numerous horses are put down to prevent its spead

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills lots of humans and causes hundreds of pigs around the globe to be executed.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

IRONY AT ITS BEST

250 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom

digger

26th June 2009, 04:09 PM

Eye halve a spelling chequer;
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it;
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

--Sores unknown

digger

30th June 2009, 11:49 PM

Swine Flu update

Swine Flu Update

G'day guys I thought I should tell you where this swine flu is up to at the moment.... So I did some research...

Firstly I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling:o

When I got through I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.:mad:

Another is that you get the trots.:eek:

So, worried I have swine flu I went to the Doctor and the doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu.
I said "It must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" :cool:

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu,so he says, I think he's just telling porkies, though. :wasntme:

The Doctor said that the only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment. :)

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it. :confused:

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1 :p

Ironically however, Swine flu, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway. ;)

News Flash ... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.; :eek::twisted:

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world".

Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, please don't believe all the spam you're getting.:twisted:

Hopefully thats helped..
Digger
(in case you are wondering I am not a doctor)

digger

1st July 2009, 12:02 AM

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

malleefowl

1st July 2009, 07:48 PM

Hi Digger,
Have just had my first run through this thread-have had a great laugh-lots of the best medicine.keep it up,
Cheers,
mary

digger

8th July 2009, 12:05 AM

I think I used to work with a guy like this.....

A sheriff stops at a Ranch in rural Missouri and talks with an old Farmer. He tells the Farmer, "I need to inspect your Ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The old Farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me. Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his Badge, the Officer proudly displays it to the Farmer. "See this Badge?!! This Badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, ON ANY LAND, no questions asked, or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?? Do YOU understand?!!?"

The old Farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old Farmer hears loud screams, and looking into the field he had spoken about, sees the sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining on the sheriff. The sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old Farmer immediately throws down his tools, and runs to the fence, cupping his hands to his face yelling at the top of his lungs "YOUR BADGE!! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE SMART ASS !!!! :D

digger

8th July 2009, 12:07 AM

another one for the night...
do feel free to join in!

Man of the house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.':o

digger

10th July 2009, 07:13 PM

thanks but really people join in!!

My father told me this happened just the other day at his house...
MUM AND DAD HAVE BEEN MARRIED 44 YEARS THIS WEEK,
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, DAD TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT HIS WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $20,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY MUM IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD HIM TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT HE WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE ANY MID-LIFE CRISIS!!!.

digger

10th July 2009, 07:20 PM

DUE TO THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF MICHAEL JACKSON,
I HAVE DECIDED TO POST THIS LAST PICTURE TAKEN OF THE
JACKSON 5 TOGETHER....

just click to see it better....

16728

CHEERS
Digger

digger

10th July 2009, 07:30 PM

3rd and probably last for the night....
have a good weekend!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones::angel:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.;)
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.:(

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. :o

2. The Red Book value of your LANDROVER goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. :(

4. You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their toilets so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. :twisted:

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the National Anthem start 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11 You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You celebrate halloween and the Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. :D

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. :eek:

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. :confused:

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.:angel:

18. For Xmas you upgraded the kids cubby on the front lawn from a VC commodore to a VP wagon shell..:)

19. When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree, except the dog only pees!!!.

ellard

10th July 2009, 08:07 PM

Hi there Digger

The minister of Finance and war wasnt all that impressed on the 1955 advert you sent to our home email address.....

As for me "keep them comming"

All the best

Wayne

digger

10th July 2009, 09:38 PM

Hi there Digger

The minister of Finance and war wasnt all that impressed on the 1955 advert you sent to our home email address.....

As for me "keep them comming"

All the best

Wayne

Maaate,
mel gave me the definate impression she would amputate bits I need if I keep sending you stuff!!!....

now i am not saying Im scared of her....yes I am....

you need a private line .....!! (eg. work email address still being blitzed by the company like a while ago or ok to send stuff via there now!??)

Our mate Andy was very busy up near my old stomping ground of Yunta yesterday, at the subject house in his 'containment" role...had to keep the spot for few hours before starries could get there..assisted to recover the householder...and had been going since early hours before that...a long day but of course he thrives on that stuff!!

(bet he had a bundy to celebrate...just to be different!)

digger

10th July 2009, 09:55 PM

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, 'Julia, I have a great idea !!!
‘We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler , they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. I was serving in the front bar when they walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to me, 'two schooners of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said I, 'two schooners of our best coming up.'

obviously I served them Coopers...

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled. :confused:

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called me over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said I, 'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!':o:twisted::wasntme:

I learnt not to listen to everything people say....the stockmen were saying they checked the dog but could only see 1 arsehole.... when I lifted the tail I saw a total of 3.....:o:angel::cool:

anyway...... LATER I WENT HOME, I WAS LIVING WITH MY GRANDPARENTS, WHEN I GOT HOME GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.....

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST:
"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD. ":p:eek:
I LEARNT THAT YOU SHOULDNT WATCH TELE WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS...
IT WAS ALSO ABOUT THEN THAT I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO LOOK FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE....

SORRY I HAD TO ADD THESE TWO THINGS IVE LEARNT!

ellard

10th July 2009, 10:09 PM

Hi there

Our mate Andy was very busy up near my old stomping ground of Yunta yesterday, at the subject house in his 'containment" role...had to keep the spot for few hours before starries could get there..assisted to recover the householder...and had been going since early hours before that...a long day but of course he thrives on that stuff!!

I know what he is like-might try and call in a for a cuppa next week and get all the gossss..........or other liquid refreshments.

As I have found him another Jeep......on a station just out of port.

Wayne

digger

13th July 2009, 10:44 PM

BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!
I was talking to my uncle the other day, he is a catholic priest...
he was telling me that he had a crazy day only the week before when it was his turn to take confession at the major church in the area...
firstly he said a married Irishman went into the confessional and said to my uncle the priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

Uncle(the priest) said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

My uncle (the priest) said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

My uncle (the priest), who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Then next there was a religious young woman who went into the Confessional. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

Uncle Tim (the priest) said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

Uncle Tim (the priest) thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

Uncle Tim said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then he was teling me that a man named Muldoon lived alone in the outback countryside with only a pet dog for company over many years. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to Uncle Tim (the parish priest) and asked, 'Father Tim, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Tim replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Uniting Church people down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father Tim. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Tim jumped to his feet and exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And he said that to top it all off:

An elderly man walks into a confessional almost last person for the day. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Father Tim: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Father Tim: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Father Tim: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody'.

Have a good night
digger

digger

13th July 2009, 10:47 PM

join in people!!
surely there is some...!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.:confused:

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!':)

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!:o:p:angel:

night!

digger

13th July 2009, 11:54 PM

this makes three for the night!!

I know that we have all often wondered why fire engines are red....

so I have worked it all out (well found this anyway!)

I thought of you Ellard immediately!!!! Enjoy!

Red fire fighter

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns are always fighting the Russians.

Russians are known as "red".

Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

Shonky

14th July 2009, 07:47 AM

Actually a standard crew in NSW is 4, and the rear wheels are duallies. 6 and 4 makes 20.

Now what colour is your fire engine? :p

digger

14th July 2009, 08:35 AM

Actually a standard crew in NSW is 4, and the rear wheels are duallies. 6 and 4 makes 20.

Now what colour is your fire engine? :p

OK, firstly, I aint in NSW so that moots your crew point...in SA we load up our trucks for response and as we have a large amount of COUNTRY FIRE SERVICE 4wd vehicles, they only have SINGLE wheels on the rear drive....
(this is my story anyway!)

secondly...try this for size...

There are six wheels, four men and two main outlets on a fire engine.

Six and Four and two makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns are always fighting the Russians.

Russians are known as "red".

Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

still red shonky, still red!!:D:D

(how'd I go?)

digger

14th July 2009, 08:48 AM

three last night, some this morning...sorry I got a heap recently!!

Getting a new deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

.................................................. ...........................................

Catch a drunk driver
Two outback lads, Dazza and Pete, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bundy.

The passenger, Dazza, said "Geez Mate, Look up ahead, Pete, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' these here bundys!!"

"Don't worry, Dazza," Pete said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these bundys then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What for?", asked Dazza.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Pete.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the Police Officer said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Pete while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch.":D

digger

14th July 2009, 08:54 AM

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Kevin RUDD. He's up there threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire because of the deep and dark debt he has got us all into! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "Oh, about a hundred litres.":D:D:D

digger

14th July 2009, 08:57 AM

4 crew and six wheels

10 fingers on two hands

Two hands make light work

Working lights make things be seen

Has to be pouffe souffle green.

I am worried about these fire engines now!!

digger

14th July 2009, 02:57 PM

back on topic!!
ohh thats right there isnt really a topic....

Policemen in Heaven

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?":twisted::eek:

d@rk51d3

14th July 2009, 04:34 PM

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Technically, there are 12 inches in a rule. ;)

Sorry.:(

ellard

14th July 2009, 07:38 PM

Hi there

Last nightshift, pouring with rain (just great, fire alarms everywhere)

But good to see a great sence of humour......

As for wheels Digger, were now looking at a 16 wheel drive truck (for proposed new air strip)!!!!!!

All the best

Wayne

digger

15th July 2009, 11:26 AM

Technically, there are 12 inches in a rule. ;)

Sorry.:(

who made that rule??:D:p

so what is this 12 inch long piece of wood with "SA GOVERNMENT SCHOOLS - RULER #03" printed on it??? as a RULE I would have said it was a ruler....
its too much!!
;)

zulu Delta 534

15th July 2009, 04:31 PM

Perhaps a "ruler" measures the "rulee" with a rule?
Glen

d@rk51d3

15th July 2009, 04:41 PM

I have this mental picture of a 1 foot high Queen, with a sewing thimble for a crown,sitting side saddle on a well groomed chihuaha(if that is how you spell that):D

I thought you were going to ask: "What's the Queen going to do with 12" ":p

digger

17th July 2009, 01:20 AM

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'Ahh kids, They blow up so fast, don't they?'

digger

17th July 2009, 01:26 AM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

digger

22nd July 2009, 08:13 PM

An Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

digger

22nd July 2009, 08:37 PM

A bit more Steven Wright humour...

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who
live above me are furious." :o

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and
arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.":D

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any
time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." :eek:

"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now
and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by." :twisted:

digger

29th July 2009, 09:40 AM

WHOO HOO POST 100 FOR THIS THREAD!!

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

(Scroll down)

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** :o:o

digger

29th July 2009, 09:53 AM

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,

what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids, as we all know,

They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE ALOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

digger

29th July 2009, 01:25 PM

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. :confused:

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. :D

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman:mad:...why else would I buy dog food??

digger

3rd August 2009, 08:52 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,

Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one
day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'...

'So the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

digger

6th August 2009, 12:41 AM

I didnt learn this (I love you dear!!) but here it is anyway!!

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?':(

The girl said, 'NO!':o

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, drove landrovers and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and scratched
and farted whenever he wanted.:D:D:D

The end.
:wasntme:

digger

7th August 2009, 10:33 PM

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent. :D

digger

7th August 2009, 11:53 PM

BITCHES TO THE END

Man, I've learnt women can be cold right up to the end!!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order':o

digger

8th August 2009, 11:23 PM

I was so proud of my daughter today, I feel I must tell you about it...hope you dont mind......

so I decieded to say the prayers with my kids when I put them to bed....

my 10 year old prayed for "the force" so he could use it when he plays cricket...star wars style...(this may explain the ducks...)and for a never ending supply of games for the wii or x-box!

My 6 year old prayed for a motorbike and a gun and a bit of help with his football from god....(and for a pair of crows and sturt premierships)

My 3 year old daughter knelt down and asked if she could say a prayer she wanted to say...she went into great detail explaining she wanted to help people with her prayers..."finally" I thought "one of them has got the idea and it was the three year old!!!" I had tears in my eyes and was so proud....

so after lining up teddy bears, stuffed dogs, a fluffy cat and some dolls in praying positions, I knelt down beside her and we bowed our heads as she said in a loud and very clear voice as she clasped her hands so tightly, and sqeezed her eyes closed and raised her face so it faced towards the ceiling....

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen.":o:o:o

Today ....I learned that I need to put a password on my computer....:mad::(

have a good weekend!

digger

digger

12th August 2009, 09:43 PM

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex watch for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch. :o

digger

15th August 2009, 10:41 PM

this one is something we all need to learn to keep our hobby alive!!!

(thanks to austastar for this from another thread!)

OLD LAND ROVERS AND THE MEN WHO LOVE THEM
{or HOW TO KEEP YOUR LAND ROVERS HAPPY AND YOUR FAMILY RUNNING}
bastardised from original by Roger Welsch

Over the past couple of years, I have collected advice along with my LR's, and I think it is only neighbourly that I pass along to you what I have learned. If you're married and are thinking about getting into the old landy business, forget trivial things like socket wrenches and bearing pullers and lay the groundwork for your new hobby by carefully studying the following rules …
THE WELSCH RULES OF LAND ROVER COLLECTING!

RULE #1. Collect only one model and make of LAND ROVER - nothing but Series 1s or Series 2as, for example. When all your LAND ROVERS are the same color and shape, it's harder, if not impossible, for anyone (if you catch my drift) to figure out how many LAND ROVERS you actually have.

RULE #2. Similarly, never line up your LAND ROVERS, ever. Nothing distresses a difficult spouse more than seeing twelve old LAND ROVERS lined up, looking for all the world like a burning pile of hundred dollar bills. Scatter the LAND ROVERS around - a couple behind the shed, one or two in the shed, another beside the garage - so that it is not possible for anyone, if you know who I mean, to see more than two or three from any one perspective. Your hobby will be less "irritating" that way, if you know what I mean.

RULE #3. For much the same reason, don't number your LAND ROVERS #1, #2, #3. Give them names. You'd be surprised how much less trouble you will have, if you talk about "Lenny " or "Grover the rover" rather than "Series 2a, 88” #14."

RULE #4. Somewhere fairly early in your collecting, buy a LAND ROVER you don't want. Sell it again as quickly as you can; don't worry about making money on the transaction. The main thing is to get a LAND ROVER and get rid of it. Then, for years, you can say, "Yes, Angel-face, I do have six Series 2a’s, and they are in the shed while our car is out in the weather, but that doesn't mean that I will always have six Series 2a’s. Remember the one I got rid of a few years ago? I'm thinking of selling another one any day now so we can put the car in the garage"
If you are lucky enough to have a friend who collects LAND ROVERS, make an arrangement for him to drop off a LAND ROVER now and again. That way you can say - if anyone asks - that you bought it. Then have it hauled off again, and say you sold it. With this system, you can re-establish your reputation for moderation every couple of years or so.
WARNING: About the time I accumulated my sixth or seventh Series 2a 88” I thought I'd be smart, so I bought a lovely little Series 1. Linda and our nine-year-old daughter Antonia were standing in the farm yard as I unloaded this lovely little item that needed only some paint work and a new wiring harness. "I see you bought yourself another LAND ROVER that doesn't run," said Linda.
"Guess what, dear?" I beamed. "I didn't buy myself another Land Rover. I bought you a Land Rover! She's yours, and ain't she cute?"
I could tell by the look on her face that she was about as excited as she was the Christmas I gave her a new drain cleaner attachment for her vacuum sweeper, but I wasn't at all prepared for what she said next: "How much can I get for it?"
"Er, uh, I didn't get it for you to sell, honey-cakes. I was thinking…if you don't want to drive it all the time, I can take it into town now and then just to keep the oil stirred up for you. It won't be any trouble at all."
"Well, thanks, Rog, you're really too sweet, I don't deserve a darling like you. How much can I get for it?"
I almost broke into tears at the thought of someone loading that great LAND ROVER onto a trailer and driving off with it. I was thinking that I should have gone with my first impulse and said that it had followed me home and could I maybe keep it, but thank goodness, about that time my mind kicked in high road gear. "Actually, I thought that if you wouldn't mind sharing, it could also be Antonia's LAND ROVER. Right. That's it! Eventually it'll be Antonia's LAND ROVER."
Antonia leaped into the S1's seat with a squeal and started twisting the steering wheel and making LAND ROVER noises. Linda snorted something about me fixing my own supper that night - that is, if I was intending to stay over - and headed back toward the house while I helped Antonia bond with her LAND ROVER. That was a close call, and my advice to you is not to buy your wife a LAND ROVER. Better stick with a drain cleaner attachment for the vacuum sweeper.

RULE #5. Pay for LAND ROVERS with a cashier's check, postal money order, or cash, which leave far less evidence than checks drawn on a family account. Once you have gotten possession of a LAND ROVER and paid for it, eat the stubs, carbon copies, or receipts immediately. Such things have a way of becoming an embarrassment later, take it from me.
Some collectors like to point out to skeptical marriage partners that what with interest rates so low these days, buying old LAND ROVERS is actually an investment, a way of being sure the spouse will be "taken care of and comfortable should something .... something terrible happen." Doesn't work with Lovely Linda. She thinks Land Rovers are the "something terrible".

RULE #6. Now and then buy a wreck "for parts," even if you don't need the parts, even is there are no salvageable parts. In fact, you might want to consider hauling home a wreck or two whenever you haul home a good machine - if possible, on the same trailer or truck. This is called "liability averaging." If your spouse says something about it being strange that you have money for yet another LAND ROVER but not enough for a new refrigerator, point indignantly to the LAND ROVERS on the trailer - the beautiful one on steel and in running condition for which you paid $1,600 and the two rusted hulks you got for $50 each - and you huff (or whine, depending on what has worked in the past), "Snookums, I got those for a little more than $500 each and the one in the back is easily worth $2,000 just as it stands, a tidy profit of $400, more than four times what I paid for the other two." See? Doesn't that make you sound like an investment wizard?

Some collectors find it effective to add something like, "it's pretty hard to find a good refrigerator for $500!" but it has been my experience that a smart-aleck attitude can fairly directly lead to the purchase of a $500 refrigerator.

RULE #7. When things get critical in the household, you might consider dragging home a LAND ROVER without a transmission or rear wheels. If there is a complaint, you say something like, "LAND ROVER? What LAND ROVER? That's not a LAND ROVER! That's only a front end. Not even close to a LAND ROVER."
Then a couple weeks later bring home a rear end, minus the radiator, engine, and front wheels. "What LAND ROVER?" you say. "That's no LAND ROVER! That's only a rear end. Not even close to a LAND ROVER." Don't try this, however, more than once every couple years.

RULE #8. Have a auto dealer or friend call you now and then when you're not at home and tell your spouse, "Rog told me to keep an eye on the Land rover going at the auction up at Centerville Saturday, but it sold for $1,200 and I know there's no way a financially cautious and responsible guy like Rog would pay that much so I didn't even make a bid on it for him."
Not only will this make you look real good, the next time you do buy a LAND ROVER, say something like, "Lovie-bear, this beauty only cost me $300, which means we're $900 ahead of where we'd have been if I'd gotten the one at Centerville. If I keep saving money like this, we'll be able to go on a Caribbean cruise next winter." If you say it fast enough, it might work.

RULE #9. If your mate insults your LAND ROVER work by referring to it as "rustoration" or "tinkering", laugh a light-hearted laugh that makes it clear that LAND ROVERS are not to you what shoes are to Imelda Marcos.

RULE #10. In the event that your situation deteriorates to the point where your mate asks, "Who do you love more, me or your blasted LAND ROVERS?" whatever you do, don't ask for time to think it over.

Notes:
The above suggestions are not dishonest or deceptive, exactly. They are ways to make life easier for your spouse. In fact, now that I think about it, these little acts of diplomacy are actually a kindness, a way to smooth the road for someone you love. Following Roger's Rules is a way of being a better person. People who follow Roger's Rules are good people. In fact, I feel so good about myself, I think I'll go out and buy myself another LAND ROVER! It'll be a good investment. I'll have it hauled in at night. That way I won't bother Linda.
(apologies to Roger Welsch, bastardised from his TRACTOR files ) -- Official Roger Welsch Homepage Official Roger Welsch Homepage (http://www.agriculture.com/ag/files/welsch/roger/index.html)

cheers
digger

digger

17th August 2009, 09:56 AM

I learnt yesterday to think things through before I do something...let me explain...

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.:(

The music was really, really loud ...........so I timed my farts with the beat.:D;)

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint ........

and then noticed that everybody was staring at me.

and I suddenly remembered ............

I was listening to my iPod.:(:eek:

digger

26th August 2009, 06:38 PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

I, the barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" I exclaimed .

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," I says as I pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

Flabbergasted I cannot believe the duck and want to learn more, but take the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids me good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the I says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub I says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," I says.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," I says..

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," I replied.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" I said.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.

.

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

so today I learnt to stay out of the job seeking industry..!!!.

digger

30th August 2009, 10:46 PM

I learnt today why the zoo can be a dangerous place... all the animals are plotting stuff there... I overheard this today....

I was just around the corner when a bear, a lion and a pig meet in the jungle exhibit.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest and this whole zoo is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle and this zoo is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet poops itself."
It was too much me for I left!!

digger

30th August 2009, 10:54 PM

Hell and Australians

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....

"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ..we love the heat. It's just like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.

"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil. Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually
enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
Richmond must have won the Premiership! :twisted::eek:

:wasntme:Digger:angel:

digger

30th August 2009, 11:02 PM

third and last of today!!! (honest! :angel: )

I learnt when I was younger all about medicine and became a psychiatrist.

As a psychiatrist, I was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You are all here because you all have obsessions you cannot master,' I observed.

To the first mother, Mary , I said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

I turned to the second Mom , Ann : 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

On a roll I turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy ,quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brother Willy will be waiting for us.':o:p

I gave up being a psychiatrist!!

digger

1st September 2009, 10:51 AM

As I am maturing I've learnt some more things, so I thought I'd pass them on...they may be useful!

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you, all you can really do is continually stalk them and hope that they panic and eventually give in.

Ive learned hat charm alone will only get you by for about 15 minutes, after that you need a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that no matter how much I care or try some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, because they are all much more screwed up than you think!

I've learned that we are all responsible for what ever we do, unless you are in parliament or a celebrity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isnt working or is broken about the house, one of the kids did it!

I've learned that reguardless of how hot and steamy the relationship and the passion is, over time it will fade, and you'd better have a lot of money to take its place...

I've learned that you can continue vomiting way past any reasonable amount at which you thought you were finished!
hope these were helpful, feel free to join in!

digger

14th September 2009, 09:16 PM

Ive had a heavy couple of weeks, first I was called to a house fire where unfortunately a man named Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer, I was there as the mortician did his work.

According to Cooter and Gomer the three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician and I looked at each other and we both obviously thought this was rather strange.

So I brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

it was too much so I asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

We buried Stanley this week...
So I went to visit a mate of mine who is a Maori now living in Adelaide, proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to us couple of friends late at night , a drunk Maori led the way to his loungeroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' I asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' I said, "Ive never seen one"

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' my other friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pr*ck. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

Apparently its always worked...
So then I got told that a blonde lady friend of ours got a job as a teacher and was sacked for harrassing a student on her first day....I rang her to see what happened...

She tells me she noticed a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says. '

'No really you can go and play with the other kids anytime you know.'she says.and she grabbed him and started dragging him towards he other kids...

'Yeah but I think it's best I stay here.' he says. struggling...

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'So then two days later I see here sister, she was one of two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,

Working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

I was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So I asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,

But I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally

A three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'So I laughed so hard I died for a short time....... I went to heaven (dont look so surprised!) Whilst I was there a ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

he continued, "I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Then as someone revived me I found I was back in the street.....
Like I said, Its been a hard couple of weeks.....

join in...anyone...seriously it can't just be me that has weeks like this.......

digger

29th September 2009, 09:37 PM

Yesterday this happened...
'Cash, check or charge?' the assistant asked my wife, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, the assistant noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' he asked.
'No,' my wife replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
I learnt to avoid crossing her......

But I know I'm not going to understand women..
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

We drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of us wanted to concede their position..
As we passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
I asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
(I learnt to think these comments thru first!)

Later I read an article to my wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
My wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....
I turned to her and asked, 'What?' (I learned that thinking thru sometimes pay off!!!)

My mate said to his wife one day,
'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'His wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

MMMM he'll never learn!

Anyway me and the wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
I said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
My wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
AHH HA, I replied, 'I can't believe that, Go on show me.'
So I fetched the Bible, and she opened the New Testament and showed me at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'
MMMM I learned she will win if she wants to.....

so I decided to try the Silent Treatment,
we were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, I realized that the next day, he would need my wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning flight.. so I could go to the grand final
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), I wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
I left it where I knew she would find it.
The next morning, I woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and I had missed my flight!!! Furious, I was about to go and see why my wife hadn't wakened me, then I noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
I learned that men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

My wife always tells me that God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

MMMM have a nice day!!!!!!!

omy130

2nd October 2009, 08:55 AM

Things I've learnt .. Happy women don't kill their husbands:eek:

digger

8th October 2009, 12:26 AM

Things I've learnt .. Happy women don't kill their husbands:eek:

sage advice my friend!!!

Ive been crook lately and I was lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give me a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' I mumbled, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'

I struggled to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that I may elevate my vitals from worry about my testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises the gown, holds my penis in one hand and my testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

I pulled off my oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
I recovered quicker than I thought I would!!! :D Have a good day!!

digger

10th December 2009, 02:30 PM

So how has your Christmas been?,
Mine has so far been interesting!

I took the kids to see Father Christmas and the large Christmas facts display they have there,
One of the kids couldn’t be restrained he wanted to see him no matter what,
One seemed unfazed, playing at being casual,
The other bolted! He was terrified of the big jolly fellow and it took all my energy to catch and hold him! We went to a Doctor, he said that there is a name for people who are afraid of Santa Claus. Its Claustrophobic.
I did learn some stuff though when we were there, like why Santa has 3 gardens.
(Its so he can ho-ho-ho.)
I read all about the whole North Pole setup…. I talked to the Doctor about what I’d seen and read, he said he used to work at the North Pole during the year!
He told me it took almost all year but he finally figured out why Santa's little helper was depressed? It was because he had low elf esteem.
He told me what snowmen eat for breakfast. (Snowflakes.) And he told me what you call a snowman in Australia at Christmas (A puddle).

The Doctor was obsessed by Christmas, I went to his house and when I got to the door I saw some people lined up before me, one by one they approached the door and yelled out,

“Knock, knock”, from inside I heard the doctors voice yell, “Who's there?” The man replied “Chris!”, and Doc called back, “Chris who?”, the man yelled “Christmas!!!!” and went inside!!! Then the woman walked up to the door,

She yelled “-Knock knock”, Doc yelled back, “Who's there?”, She yelled, “Mary!”
Doc yelled back, “Mary who?” and she yelled “Merry Christmas”

It was too much for me, so I started researching snowmen and all things Christmas, and I learnt some obscure facts, like how do you get Frostbite? Its what you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire! I learnt what's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on the bottom of the ocean at Christmas. (Its Sandy Claws.) I was surprised to hear that in Camelot all the archers where also the gift wrappers. This led to England having a famous gift wrapping archer… you may have heard of him, it was Ribbon hood.

I learnt that there was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
It is said that he stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russians, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
It was Christmas Eve when that happened, Yes it T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. (They'd been worn all week and needed the air.)

I learnt that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has eleven reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. The proof is in the song!

I learnt that after Christmas the reindeer all want to relax, I asked where do they go to dance? Christmas balls of course!

I can’t wait for the next week or so, goodness only knows what could happen.

Digger

digger

14th December 2009, 09:16 AM

Health & Safety Guidance on Festive Songs:

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear FFP2 dust masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAA routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Dust masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

hope this all helps!

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Digger

digger

21st December 2009, 04:14 AM

well I learnt to check things today... before I buy them...

I just bought a DVD of "Tiger woods, My favorite 18 holes"....

sat down and watched it... what a rip off!!!
Its all about golf!

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

You're STONKERED- STOP DRINKING!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

digger

21st December 2009, 04:18 AM

I have learnt this year that..........

A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me??

Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!

merry christmas!

digger

30th December 2009, 11:30 PM

well Ive learned more stuff!...

like don't cross the 'important people'.... let me explain...

I was watching The Pope and Kevin Rudd on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, it was like at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me"

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.
cheers,
digger

digger

2nd January 2010, 09:39 PM

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the bloody Richmond Football Club!

digger:wasntme:

The ho har's

4th January 2010, 06:02 PM

You know digger you should really get out more:p;)

Mrs ho har:angel:

V8Ian

14th February 2010, 01:37 PM

Paint will not stick to an intended surface without adequate primer. Drips and paint spillage will stick to unintended areas/furnature/skin, like the proverbial to a blanket, without any preparation.:(

digger

5th March 2010, 11:42 PM

WELL, its been a while but Ive been studying my surroundings and learnt many things....

I learnt what's Irish and stays out all night? Yep Patio Furniture. I learnt what you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
But enough of that, Ive been shocked at things, at work we had to attend a disturbance at a shopping centre anyway, long story short, the Energizer Bunny arrested - he was charged with battery.
I have learned that a pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. And that a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I found after a deep sleep that my new Corduroy pillows are making headlines. When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination. And that every morning is the dawn of a new error. But on the up side a boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat!!.
I went on a cruise and learned that sea captains don't like crew cuts. I had a lot of spare time and learned that Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.

Just as an aside, Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Ive learned that a successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. And a gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. I believe that a man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. I like Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I watched as two egotists meet, it was an I for an I.
After a long trip I learned a bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. I learned other stuff too, like the definition of a will. (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) I hope not to die any time soon but I must ask,, If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

I studied English literature but all I found was that a backwards poet writes inverse. Without geometry, life is pointless. I learned that in democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

I realised that a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
My wife says I don’t pay attention but I know that with her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. It Was a Shotgun wedding ( you know A case of wife or death.)
I saw lots of opal mining injuries that could be avoided but show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. Speaking of injuries did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I did a history course, it was brilliant, I learned lots....like did you know that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers? Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in the great london fire, so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.

The worst part was I kept getting lost, let me explain ,I used my grandfathers compass, an 1853 Tate Compass. In 1853, the Tate Watch Company of Connecticut decided to branch out and produce other products. Compasses for the settlers travelling inland were their first new endeavour. Although they produced fine and accurate watches, the same was not true of their compasses. Travellers would sometimes end up in Perth or Darwin instead of Adelaide or Melbourne. Thus came about the phrase, "He who has a Tate's is lost."But when its all said and done, Ive learnt a few things....

Cheers
Digger

digger

15th March 2010, 01:12 PM

Al GORE was vice president to President CLINTON. He was preparing to stand for the presidency, His wife is Tipper GORE.

Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president.

They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot.

Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
"Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

Ive learnt that its not a lie, its just the wording....:D

feel free to join in!
digger

Mick_Marsh

15th March 2010, 02:10 PM

Something more to learn Digger.

snopes.com: Horse Thief Ancestor (http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp)

digger

15th March 2010, 02:37 PM

Thanks,

but just to be clear, I never believed it but loved the way it was worded!!

Mick_Marsh

15th March 2010, 04:09 PM

Thanks,

but just to be clear, I never believed it but loved the way it was worded!!
Ditto.

And very, very believable.

digger

21st March 2010, 11:47 PM

So Ive kept notes of the things I learnt locally over the last few months

a BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

a CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

a COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

an EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

a MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

a SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

a SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
I enjoyed these!

have a good day
digger

d@rk51d3

22nd March 2010, 04:13 PM

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

You can add fish to that list. ;)

digger

22nd March 2010, 06:42 PM

You can add fish to that list. ;)

OK! (is a fish an animal?).:confused:.... but you get the idea!:D

ADMIRAL

22nd March 2010, 11:06 PM

In a episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory
to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

digger

23rd March 2010, 07:41 AM

Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, I must warn you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...well, thats what I've learnt anyway!!

Car Test: Forget the "Roller", it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the CD and cassette players. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.

Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 4 to 5 kilograms of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more, sing these until 4am, then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.

Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask the shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.

Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.

Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.

Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including patience, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.

If you complete the course, well done. Ready to have a baby now? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby!!.

cheers, this is a lesson Im still learning!
digger

digger

23rd April 2010, 12:31 PM

So it’s been a while since I posted, I’ve been very busy at work.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind going to work but the eight hour wait to go home is a bitch,
I spend most of it saying the same thing to people....like “No I didn’t say it’s your fault, I said I was going to blame you”, & “Yeah mate I’d tell you to go to hell but since I work there I’d see you every day and I don’t want that!”

After days of this I start to wonder about life, things like what if the HOKEY POKEY is what it’s all about?

I was dealing with a lady the other day, for a long time she has had Kleptomania but I had to arrest her because she was always taking something for it!

It’s a hard job, I’ve learnt that sometimes too much drink isn’t enough!The other day I went to a job where a suicidal twin killed her sister by mistake!, It was at....err.... ummm .. sorry I’ve realised that my short term memory isn’t what it used to be.

Anyway enough of that... I’ve realised that my short term memory isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes I get by just by realising that two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday!

I went to the local pub, people don’t realise how helpful the bar staff there are, I learnt that a bar tender is like a pharmacist just with a limited inventory. I’ve learnt that reality is only an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency.

Sometimes I go home early just to cook, I love cooking with wine.... sometimes I even put it in the food! I’ve learnt that you “don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things”

I’ve recently realised that I may be bi-polar but at least I have each other. I have realised that I am nobody, and that nobody’s perfect, therefore (yes you see it coming don’t you?) I’m perfect!

I know that no one really cares but believe me, corduroy glasses are making headlines.

Anyway, I’m going now I’ve joined a club as a support member for people with Lysdexlics, I read all about it and I’d hate to have it!, I have though learnt that Lysdexlics have more nuf!

Cheers, keep smiling
(feel free to join in!)

digger

27th April 2010, 10:01 PM

I have just realised that its a fact of life,
but after Monday and Tuesday
even my calender
says W T F!!

have a good week!
digger

digger

18th June 2010, 09:55 AM

My 7-year-old lad came to me, as I was working in the yard and asked me...

"Daddy, what is sex?"

I was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he's old enough to know to ask the question, then he's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling myself to leave nothing out, I proceeded to tell him all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When I finished explaining, the little bloke was looking at me with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on his face, I asked...

"Why did you ask this question?"

He replied...

"Mum says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex"

I've learnt to ask more questions BEFORE I answer the kids.....:eek:

digger

21st June 2010, 08:12 PM

How much truth is there in it???

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a
measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a $100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.
While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

Ø£ Ø§Ù„Ù…Ø³Ø¬Ù„ ØªØ¨ÙŠØ¹ Ø*Ù…ÙˆÙ„Ù‡ Ø´Ø§Ø*Ù†Ø© Ù…Ù† Ø§Ù„Ø®Ø´Ø¨ Ù…Ù† Ø§Ø¬Ù„ 100 Ø¯ÙˆÙ„Ø§Ø±. ØµØ§Ø*Ø¨ ØªÙƒÙ„ÙØ© Ø§Ù„Ø§Ù†Øª=D 8Ø¬ Ù…Ù†
Ø§! Ù„Ø«Ù…Ù†. Ù…Ø§ Ù‡Ùˆ Ø§Ù„Ø±Ø¨Ø* Ù„Ù‡ØŸ

Yep, I learned that its hard to learn....

digger

21st June 2010, 08:31 PM

I walked into a bar in New Zealand and ordered a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

"No, (I lied) I'm from Canada."

"What do you do in Canada?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

I learned to be careful with your accent!

cheers
digger

digger

1st July 2010, 02:46 PM

I learnt that after you read this,you'll pass it on....( like I have!)

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

--

Mick_Marsh

1st July 2010, 03:59 PM

digger

2nd July 2010, 11:05 AM

While speaking to an 80-year-old farmer, while he was fencing on his property, I had an enjoyable conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Juia Gillard and her appointment as Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, you know," drawled the farmer, "this Julia shiela is what they call a fencepost turtle".

Not being familiar with the term, I asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on my face, so he continued to explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself... she definitely doesn't belong up there... she doesn't know what to do while she is up there... and you just have to wonder what kind of fool put her up there in the first place!"

Anyway he said, do you like my new ute?

He said, "I bought a new Nissan Navara and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers."

I was impressed by this, "bit better than the old ute then?", I asked

Theres more, the farmer said, "The salesman then said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy" said the farmer "and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.

Yesterday, the farmer said, I had to go to the city, and some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Arsehole!'

Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Julia Gillard

Damn I LOVE this ute... he said..

I learnt that these farmers are wise men!

digger

9th July 2010, 08:03 AM

I just figured I'd give you guys a run down on my employment history....so you have an idea of my background;

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory. But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

Worked one day as an operator on an elevator, but the job had too many ups and downs.

My last job was working in a coffee shop, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

SO, I'M GOING TO TRY RETIREMENT AND I THINK I'LL FIND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Digger

FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN!

Lotz-A-Landies

9th July 2010, 08:21 AM

Tried to be a Police officer but just couldn't cop it! ...... Although it was an arresting time.

Then I became a doorman, I thought I had all the openings, but eventually they all closed.

After that I became a pilot and was all up in the air with it, but eventually I had to come down.

digger

9th July 2010, 08:45 AM

nice!!! :lol2::arms::clap2: cheers!

Mick_Marsh

12th July 2010, 07:04 PM

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

digger

12th July 2010, 10:55 PM

Mick,

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard. LOVE THIS!

I searched everywhere but I couldnt find an elephant stamp!!

great work!! thanks

digger

16th August 2010, 11:08 PM

Ive not posted for a while, I was making a documentary...
I spent a month with SNOW WHITE!!

anyway last week was a normal week, the seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores, and I stayed with her, filming her making the beds and cleaning the house.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

On Friday as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, we saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

I didnt know what to do but filmed it all completely, tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me ? Hello !'

We listened intently but for a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello ! Is anyone down there ?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, we heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,

“VOTE FOR GILLARD”

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God ! At least Dopey is still alive ! '

anyway, Im not sure theyll pick up my doco....

digger

17th August 2010, 07:28 PM

Got my oldest son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started......

I learned that some people don't like technology!

Mick_Marsh

20th August 2010, 09:06 AM

Puns for Educated Minds

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

digger

29th August 2010, 09:33 PM

I learnt that it was right then, That's when the fight started....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife,

'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested,

'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

We were on holiday in England, I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started..

---------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'

I realised she wasn't after a Land Rover so I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started???

-----------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

I learnt to think about these things before I answer!!

cheers
(join in people)

digger

18th September 2010, 01:04 AM

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F#*k me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

4bee

18th September 2010, 06:55 AM

:D:D:D Thanks Digger, I needed a good laugh this morning.

I bet you never took any photos either.:mad:

digger

20th September 2010, 09:47 PM

This is one of my favorite old newspaper articles relating to the US assistance to war torn countries...

Deploying Vowels to Bosnia

Washington - (AP) BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients.

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say `Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.

digger

20th September 2010, 09:51 PM

I also was very proud of the Blimp crew when I read this article at the time...

Headlines - Blimp Downs Chinese Fighter Jets
BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just days after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a.m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising 7-UP soft drink, leaving the line "Up yours" in view.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet.

"I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight'," said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil. The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp "fully responsible for the incident," repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way," Suey was quoted as saying.

"The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant," he was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

U. S. officials expressed regret, but would not allow an apology until the matter could be investigated further.

:cool:
digger

digger

23rd September 2010, 07:38 AM

I have learnt over time that racial tension solves nothing, so I am now putting forward a proposal to Promote Tolerance in the world

Lets start on the most controversial matter of recent times.

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every person of all races to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque also. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with 'spare ribs' as its daily special.

Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, please help by making any further helpful suggestions.

I've learnt, if we all try we can make this world a loving and tolerant place.

Digger

digger

24th September 2010, 02:05 AM

My mate in the job in Melbourne tells me that he had a bad night, I have learnt that even when you are doing your job you can't please some people!

Anyway it all happened like this: 3 football fans - a Carlton fan, an Essendon fan and a Collingwood fan were all walking home after watching a footy game replay night at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked sheila lying on the footpath, and decide
to phone the police.

The Carlton fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the
floor in such a manner, and took off his Carlton beanie and placed it over
the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Essendon fan, removed his beanie and placed it over the woman's right breast.
Similarly, the Collingwood fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his beanie and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when my mate the copper arrived, he told the 3 football fans they had to stick around for questioning by the police.

They watched my mate, (the officer) inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the beanie from the left breast, had a peek, put the
beanie down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the beanie from the right breast, had a peek, put the beanie down and wrote down some
notes.
Next, of course, was the beanie over the groin area. The officer picked up the beanie, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the beanie again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Collingwood fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?"
asked the obviously annoyed Collingwood fan.

My mate, the officer replied "It's just so weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prich under a Collingwood beanie !" :eek::D:twisted:

Anyway, thats how he told it to me, :angel::wasntme::angel: so I've learnt something more!

I have had a bad week, just yesterday I learnt to rethink anything before I say it....

I saw a ‘large chested’ woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me!! :o

It's all been too much, I've started analysing everything, and all I seem to come up with is questions.... questions like....

How come they choose from pretty much just two people to run for Prime Minister and over 7 for Miss Australia ?:confused:

I asked my wife but she doesn’t seem to know all the answers (who would’ve guessed she’d admit that now?)

But I realised that being Married changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.:eek:

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Ive been told that as you get older food becomes more important.... I realised that now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.:(

I decided to do something about it and I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. I tried to explain that if I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

But after 20 minutes arguing with the guy my wife interrupted and said to me, “Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.”

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Whilst I’m typing this I’ve just thought, wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

And then again whenever I start stressing about these things,
I remember my life motto:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

(go saints!)
Feel free to join in!

digger

28th September 2010, 02:44 AM

I read where, after having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read: "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, I feel I, in Adelaide, South Australia, must report the following and so have released this press statement today: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a pasture near Gawler, South Australia, Digger, (a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he found absolutely **** all. Digger has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, South Australia had already gone wireless."

I learnt that it just makes you bloody proud to be a South Aussie!

Feel free to join in people! (this is becoming the thread with the most posts by a single user vs all other posts! :( )

Lotz-A-Landies

28th September 2010, 07:29 AM

A man in his early nineties comes running, as fast as a ninety year old can run, into the kitchen to see his wife, after taking a few gasping breaths over what seemed like ages to his wife, he exclaimed "I just found out that I have exactly the same strength today as I had when I was twenty!".

His wife, incredulous at the concept, asks "How do you work that out? You can't walk more than ten steps without taking a rest to catch your breath, I need to help you out of bed in the morning, and you haven't lifted a hammer to fix anything in years!".

The old man replies " I tested myself, you know the large boulder at the front gate? Well when I was twenty, I tried to move it out of the way but it wouldn't budge. Today I again tried to move the boulder and again it wouldn't budge. Therefore I must have exactly the same strength today as I had seventy years ago!"

pohm66

29th September 2010, 11:18 AM

Do you think English is easy?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't ****, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

And wait … there is more !!!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Mick_Marsh

29th September 2010, 01:01 PM

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to rowThere was a row among the row of oarsmen about how to row

digger

30th September 2010, 01:19 AM

Thanks guys, sometimes I need a little laugh to cheer me up!!

I’ve been working in traffic lately and it’s been a real eye opener, let me tell you I definately have learnt a few things....

Just yesterday I spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, I shouted out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Just a little while later further up the freeway.. A Victorian car breaks down right there along the freeway, so the driver eases it over onto the side of the road. He jumps out of the car, opens the boot, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in recent history.
It took us hours to sort it out.... Finally when questioned by us about why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

That was pretty much the last straw....I’ve been shocked sometimes by traffics way of doing things.....just last week I heard that two WA coppers were chasing a Holden east on the highway towards the SA Border. When the suspect crossed the border into SA, the police driver slammed on the brakes and in a cloud of smoke and to the sqealing of tyres he pulled over quickly.
The other Police officer asked, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in SA now. They're an hour and a half ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

One of our traffic cops used to be a state trooper in the US... he told me how one cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones.
Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. He cut through a safari park and to play it safe shot a lion with a tranquiliser dart on his way there. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through the safari park again. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by this policeman.
"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"
"You're under arrest," said our policeman.
"But why?" he asked.
The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

Anyway whilst working with these blokes a male driver gets stopped by them, and is asked by Murphy: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied Murphy , "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."

The final straw was today when a priest gets pulled over for speeding.
We saw an empty wine bottle in his car and smelt alcohol on his breath. "Father, have you been drinking?" I asked.
"Only water, my son." replies the priest.
"Why then do I smell wine?" I questioned.
The priest, looking at the wine bottle, replies, "Oh my Lord, He's gone and done it again!"

cheers!
Digger

digger

1st October 2010, 12:14 AM

Boy what a day, I was driving along the road when I got an urgent message on the radio telling me there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

I rushed to the scene where I discovered a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

A puzzled onlooker asks me what I thought had happened, to which I felt I must reply: "It looks like he's topped himself."

digger

5th October 2010, 07:15 AM

My uncle is with the Australian Federal Police. (They caught him in Brisbane.)
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's me, a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to myself. I thought, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'
So I followed them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that I had ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
I was amazed! I decided I had learned something about life that I didn't know.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. I was still watching and thought, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, I says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric.

Lotz-A-Landies

5th October 2010, 04:19 PM

A man walked into his supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way..

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet where, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play FOR? "

Lotz-A-Landies

5th October 2010, 04:25 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about their new wives "duties".

Terry married a woman from Greece ..
He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie married a woman from Italy ...
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Now the third man married an Australian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

digger

5th October 2010, 07:47 PM

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play FOR? "

:lol2::arms:

digger

5th October 2010, 08:11 PM

A workman was killed at a construction site.
I began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly but his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter and had a chip on his shoulder.

So who did it?

The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.

Is it true the NSW Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

digger

13th October 2010, 07:19 AM

I was in Hungry Jacks the other day, when this Muslim woman walks in wearing a brightly coloured head to toe outfit.
I thought to myself, WOW…..!!

The Burkas are better at Hungry Jacks…..!!
:)

Lotz-A-Landies

14th October 2010, 05:44 PM

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. Any Woman can have the body of a 21 year old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first!
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
30.. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

digger

18th October 2010, 07:05 PM

I deceided to try some new jobs...

So after landing my new job trial as a Bunning’s greeter, a good find for many people, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunning’s.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and
the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunning’s.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
So looks like I will have to stay with my current job.

Digger

digger

20th October 2010, 12:15 AM

I went shopping with the wife last night in our local Woolies, I slipped into the Liquor store area and I picked up a carton of Coopers and put it in the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the Wife “They're on sale, only $25 for 24” I reply .
'Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so we carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the wife picks up a $50 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“ So what do you think you're doing?' I ask. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the Wife.
So I say : 'Well, so does a slab of coopers and they’re half the price.'

That's all I remember . . . . . . . I'm pretty sure that's when I 'collapsed"--- "husband down in aisle 7"!!!

digger

22nd October 2010, 11:23 PM

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar I was drinking in and he says to the barman

"From now on you can only call me Hoff, David Hoff!"

The barman says "ok, no hassel."

There were two little old ladies were sitting on a bench outside the lounge area of that bar and inside the lounge bar I learned there was a flower show in progress.

Whilst I was listening, the thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,to my shock , completely naked, she streaked(as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' I asked her.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement! '

I learnt that no matter where you are, it can be interesting!

digger

24th October 2010, 08:29 PM

My wife has graced me with a little known fact...

The first testicular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

According to her it took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

digger

31st October 2010, 03:49 AM

Things Ive learnt about the older we get.....
I was told these by some peple wiser than I who wanted tomake sure I knew all the advantages of getting older.

Perks of reaching
50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who first told you about this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH.............
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

CHEERS
DIGGER

(feel free to join in with anything you have learnt!)

zulu Delta 534

31st October 2010, 06:22 PM

digger

1st November 2010, 08:25 AM

Hey Digger, I have very vivid memories of times gone by and the local Sergeant at the local station laboriously bashing away on an old Remington typewriter, using just the one poised finger, striking each key from a great height and with ample force to penetrate the four sheets of carbon paper required for duplication, and regularly banging the carrier hard enough to force an admission of guilt out of it each time he had to start a new line. (-I believe all coppers in those days were taught to type using the "Hunt system", hit one key, then hunt for the next); and with this memory fixed indelibly in my brain, I try and visualise you typing out all these posts in this most amusing thread, and I often wonder where you find the time to do anything else! Or have times changed somewhat?
Regards
Glen

I did my training on an Olympus 24 years ago but yes, "search and stab" is still my typing method! and I do maybe spend a bit too much time with the computer..:eek: but the contract is very close on our "new" place so I hope to have less time to "play!" but mainly (and its a secret of course!!!) cut and paste is a great thing for this thread!!! ... at least 1/2 has come from "generous donations" of information!!

Its all good for a giggle though

cheers
digger

digger

2nd December 2010, 12:31 AM

Its been a while since I added to this thread so let me catch you up..`
I’ve been very busy but at least the credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. (The car's been repossessed.) Things in this credit crunch are so bad that I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.

I went to my local bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
As a company director I decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10!

As a Christmas surprise for the kids of town, Joe, Peter and I built a skating rink in the middle of a paddock. A farmer leading his stock decided to take a shortcut straight across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate to get them to the sale yards, the farmer began tugging them to the other side.
'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

It’s been a very busy time for ambos here, Did you hear about our local optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
I think he must’ve overbalanced, he was a big guy…Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. (These, of course, are only round figures. )
Then we had the riverboat accident near “sandy island” in the river, I assume you heard about it?
There were two riverboats. One was painted red. One was painted blue. They collided. At last report, I heard the survivors were marooned.
Yep, I’ve been busy.

Have a good Christmas!
Digger

digger

31st January 2011, 11:25 PM

Did I ever tell you guys I'm related to the people that invented car airconditioning?? I only just learnt about it myself

My great uncles were The Goldberg Brothers - and they were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs out there (or just to dazzle you, my friends, about them)...The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers who had all returned from Military service during the war, walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees (F), turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry FORD by then an old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. (an amazing amount back then)

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now, turns out that old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show ¬ Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
-- on the controls.
:D:angel::D

Lucky I was able to tell you this stuff huh?

digger

16th February 2011, 08:47 AM

Well its been a while but I have been making a list of important things I've learnt over time... I hope this helps someone...

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the emergency services.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...... mmmmm
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" (the black eye is almost gone)
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, (everybody else does.)
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like boofing for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Use a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
40) It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
41) Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
42) A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
43) Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
44) How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
45)Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

AND LASTLY.....

46)If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Cheers
have a good day!

Lotz-A-Landies

23rd February 2011, 01:34 PM

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.

Lotz-A-Landies

25th February 2011, 01:53 PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit in Dubbo!!!!!

digger

27th February 2011, 10:55 PM

got told today about my fathers favorite salad...

Honeymoon Salad.

And what’s that, Dad?

“Lettuce alone without dressing.”

I learnt sometimes its better to not ask!

Basil135

1st March 2011, 01:13 PM

Growing up without a cell phone

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways..yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. They've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, they live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy you spoiled rotten little turds! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

digger

4th March 2011, 01:40 PM

Through living in the bush for a number of years I have learnt that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. So I've just made up a list of the basics, don't go bush without at least reading it! Cheers.

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewelry.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
I hope these can be helpful I may expand the list at a later time but at the moment these are some that Ive learnt are the main ones.

Digger

digger

5th March 2011, 12:09 PM

right..I know I've been getting chunky...so I have decided we all need to pay attention.... I've consulted an exercise guru here and want to share it with everyone..

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. **WARNING***It may be too strenuous for some. AS ALWAYS consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a beer!.

I learnt exercise can be good!
(Im getting into shape.....round is a shape!)

digger

5th March 2011, 01:39 PM

I make no claim on this... but its a ripper... well worth reading...

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but also I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER, Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor writer.

digger

8th March 2011, 11:12 PM

Ive been working on a new invention -- well, an adaptation really.

I think Im getting close but Im unsure if there is a market for it... hopefully you guys can help me out there..

what Im trying to do, if I succeed will mean no lawnmowers are required anymore, no more untidy lawns, and no time spent on the weekend cutting lawns.

Im trying to cross a hardy evergreen self repairing lawn with an "emo" kid...

If I succeed I suspect the lawn will constantly cut itself!

hope to hear your views!
Digger

digger

14th March 2011, 11:05 PM

I have been told that a store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City!! It is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

I asked what was on the third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors....and was told that they have never been visited !! ..............

Its amazing what you learn.. when I went to the middle east I had a wonderful experience..

I heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time...decades in fact..

So I went to check it out. I went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

I watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, I approached him for a chat.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m from Australia, if you don't mind sir, what’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a ****ing brick wall!"

MMMM Ive learnt that maybe people are the same the world over!

Digger

Lotz-A-Landies

30th March 2011, 03:10 PM

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition: Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ...............................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

zulu Delta 534

1st April 2011, 10:05 AM

I have just returned from an interesting joint study conducted by the Qld. Health and Qld. Transport Departments where it was disclosed that 23% of road accidents over the past 24 months have been alcohol related.
These are horrifying statistics indeed, and much was discussed re possible remedies for this unacceptably high percentage.

What I learnt from these interesting statistics, is that the remaining 77% of accidents that occur around the state, (an even more alarming figure) are obviously caused by those party loving non alcohol drinking persons, the coffee, yoghurt, juice and soft drink quaffers that we all meet so often.

Beware of these people, as they obviously cause three times the number of accidents!

Regards
Glen

digger

19th April 2011, 12:41 PM

I took a leaf from Glens book and went out to get involved in some scientific studies.

I took on studying woodpeckers. There are Canadian and Mexican Woodpeckers, there are also American woodpeckers but I did not study these.

Whilst I was studying them we learnt their language and followed them to observed their customs.

To demonstrate let me tell you of our major study.....
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were under observation in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada (folowed by us) where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion as we as scientific observers did:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

cheers...

Basil135

20th April 2011, 09:55 PM

Received this in an email from someone in the Mother Country.

This could also be used and sent to Julia Gillard !!!!

Grumpies of the world unite

This is simplicity itself.
Which is obviously why politicions cant figure it out!!!!!!
Please read to the end.

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university -

Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them
down.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

Grumpies of the World Unite

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lotz-A-Landies

5th May 2011, 10:38 AM

Two Kiwis, Craig and Kieran, are walking down Campbell Pde,Bondi. Kieran looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign says 'Special Deal, Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers$5.00 per pair'

Kieran says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop,you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might give us bad service'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, U’ll kup my mouth shut.'

They go in and Kieran says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, suxty shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck, und...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Will... Yis,' says a surprised Kieran. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

__________________________________________________ __________________________

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband said: "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She said: "What's that mean?"

He said: "Adorable Beautiful Cute Delightful Elegant Foxy Gorgeous Hot."

She said "Ooohh that's so lovely - but what about I J K?"

He said: "I'm. Just. Kidding."

rednjoey

5th May 2011, 04:39 PM

Had a Bin Laden Latte today,

Fluffy head with two shots.....

digger

10th May 2011, 02:47 AM

Had a Bin Laden Latte today,

Fluffy head with two shots.....

our local pub is doing an Osama Bin Laden cocktail...
two shots followed by a spash of water....

:D

how ironic though, live 90% of your life in the desert and in hiding and nowhere near a beach... and get killed by a seal....

I'm sure I don't have to put the punchline for this one...
what was the last thing to go through his head before he died?

anyway, I was stunned by the news that when theyve reviewed the navy seals footage they have discovered that O.B.L appears to
have become a HINDU at some time shortly before his death. This was found in the frame x frame analysis of the raid, he stood up and clearly seen in the footage was a red dot on his forehead...............

:)

digger

10th May 2011, 02:51 AM

Its been a while, but Im still learning!

I've learnt to leave myself messages about things coming up soon.

so a few days ago this popped up on my computer
"BIRTHDAY REMINDER

so I feel I should tell you who's birthday it is.......

Because this week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 50!!

Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, Putting everything in her mouth................

They grow up so fast, don't they?

:o (<----MM maybe thats not very appropriate....or maybe its too appropriate! :p <--- Umm yeah not that one either!! I'll stick with this one ----> :D)

digger

23rd May 2011, 11:55 PM

So I tried out being a pastor at the local church, and I learnt to adapt
..let me explain - using the example of our New church member

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to my secretary,
"I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

" I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

My secretary leaves her desk and goes into my office (the pastor's study) to inform me of her situation. I agreed that my secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

We both returned to her office and I asked the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," I said. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time Sir?"

Like I said, I learnt to adapt. :) :eek: :)

digger

29th June 2011, 02:53 PM

Sorry its been so long!
(Ive been a slow learner!)

I moved to America (USA) for a short time and joined a very Traditional Sioux Indian tribe

I learnt there that after a woman gets married she takes a new name given to her by her new husband.

My host, Running Wolf, introduced me to his wife "Four Horses".

I asked about this tradition, and assumed it was like the old yarn ("Why do you ask two dogs.....um...copulating?!!!")

But Running Wolf told me this was not the case, it was related to the persons personality and spirit, So I asked about Four Horses name, was it because she has the stamina of Four Horses working around the settlement so hard and still able to look so pretty?

No, Running wolf said, Its because all she does is NAG NAG NAG NAG"

I learnt sometimes one shouldnt ask questions!

digger

12th July 2011, 01:05 AM

So I have leaarnt some more stuff again!!
collected wise sayings over time....

A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag." :o
Census Question fro last census - are there too many immigrants in Australia? 17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of boat people, single mums, dole bludgers, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he didn't give a toss, he went anyway.
(What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show)

Just $13 will buy water and food for a family in Africa for a week. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons Liquor are doing 4 TEDs for $12-99.
100 people from Elizabeth were asked today if they thought Australia should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Dole.
Rough bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.
Paddy burst into the Centrelink Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl at counter replies, those are our opening times.
Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said 'Those bloody frenchies.' Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
I have to go now, while I was typing this some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!

what should I do with the camera??

digger

26th July 2011, 12:40 AM

***POST 200, YAY***

Sorry its taken so long to post again but let me tell you why I'm so late!
I've learnt to appreciate being healthy!

First, I got tonsillitis,
followed by appendicitis
and then straight after I got pneumonia! :(
After dealing with that I got erysipelas with haemachromatosis! :mad:
As if that wasn't hard enough!, following that I got poliomyelitis :o and
finally ended up with neuritis. :eek:
Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations. :confused:

Boy, I had quite a time!

Honestly I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test.:angel::twisted:

digger

26th July 2011, 12:46 AM

this makes two posts in here tonight... I must be learning fast!

One evening thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer. 'What the heck is this?' I said to myself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when I shook them out.

'Dear', I hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !:o:eek:
I learnt not to mess with my wife !!

digger

27th July 2011, 08:27 AM

What a day?!?

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off. :(
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. :eek:
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off. :o
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. :mad:

Now I'm afraid to pee.... :twisted:

Lotz-A-Landies

9th August 2011, 09:19 AM

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr ****s. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Lotz-A-Landies

15th August 2011, 10:18 AM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which.""

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

digger

16th August 2011, 11:17 PM

sorry its been so long since I posted, Thanks for the help Diana!

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it would be a good Korea move.

I'll just have to tell you what I learn!!

digger

17th August 2011, 10:27 PM

Again I'm sorry it’s been so long but as I said I’ve been studying again…

Today I learnt that Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a women with her mouth closed.:)

I was in a hot air balloon and lost over Ireland.
I looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted to him "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard, You're in that feckin basket." :cool:

We landed and spoke to the farmer, He was telling me about an old Irish farmer who was a neighbour. Anyway his dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"It should have worked, What did you put in the paper? his wife asks.
"Here boy," he replies “But I didn’t think he could read.”

I couldn’t stay in Ireland because of all the bomb threats etc…
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm having that.:twisted:

Anyway I consoled myself with a visit to a little whore house…A little after that visit to a whore house, I noticed green lumps on my willy, so I goes to my Doctor.
"That is serious" says the Doctor "You know how a Wrestler gets cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" I says seriously.
"Well" says the Doctor, "You have got Brothel Sprouts":(:(

So hoping for a miracle cure, I went to a religious festival. There I saw a Catholic priest approach a Zen monk and show him a tub of margarine.
"Look," he said," you can see the face of Christ in the margarine!"
The monk looked and said," I can't believe it's not Buddah!”:eek:

Anyway I have to go, I need some real help….
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the bloody Port Power Football Club!:mad:

digger

27th August 2011, 03:57 AM

I hate to admit it but I must apologise publicly.
I'll do it here first then the other forum.

For the past 4 years (plus) I have continuously stated, loudly and sometimes with much venom, that the members of the ALP were useless and couldn't organise a root in a brothel.

Recent incidents have come to light that indicates at least one member of the ALP CAN - and in fact HAS - organised a root in a brothel.

As such I publicly apologise for my erroneous statement.

(but I still don’t think that lot could grow a chocko vine over a thunderbox.)

Lotz-A-Landies

30th August 2011, 10:18 AM

Lost in a Balloon

A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman,
"you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Lotz-A-Landies

1st September 2011, 09:00 AM

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

digger

4th September 2011, 10:38 PM

Sorry, been away learning again!

I was spending time as a tourist in Vienna and was going through a graveyard and all of a sudden heard some music. No one is around, so I started searching for the source.

I finally located the origin and found it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig can Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then I realised that the music is the Ninth symhony and it is being played backwards!!

Puzzled, I left the graveyard and returned later with a friend. by the time we arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, we discussed this and agreed to consult a music scholar. When we returned with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that they are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. We were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the caretaker ambles up to the group. I asked him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "Beethoven is decomposing!"
So there you go, still learning!

digger

6th September 2011, 09:49 PM

One day a mate of mine told me that Noah, the bloke who built the Ark was still alive and was living on a farm near Mount Lofty in ADELAIDE!!

To prove it to me he took me to meet Noah, so while I'm there talking to the big N, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old friend I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No problems El Supremo anything you want after all you're the guvnor'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks. . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!” screams Noah. "Well, OK Boss whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well....sort of right... This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?” queries Noah "Yep, fish . . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want 'Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God me old mate let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............
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"Don't really know , says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp-Ark

I learnt that sometimes its best not to ask!

digger

9th September 2011, 12:42 PM

I walked into a restaurant with my young sons.
I gave the boys three 10 c coins each to play with to keep them occupied.

Suddenly, my oldest boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
I realised the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at my son, I was panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, calmly puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching my boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of my boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing his testicles, the woman hands the coin to me and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as I was sure that my son has suffered no ill effects, I rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'

well I learned that you can always use your skills for good!

digger

19th September 2011, 09:26 PM

I have been away again, this time to the jungle,
It was hot and very humid apparently I came at the wrong time of year.
As we walked from the boat towards the jungle edge I saw two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here.":o
We stopped and the guide said that we needed to have some survival skills to live through this.. so we all gathered around as he explained about the different creatures and how to deal with them.
He started with lessons on how to catch a unique rabbit. (Unique up on it!) But then he went even further and explained about how to catch a tame rabbit (Tame way, unique up on it.) There are different ways for catching plain rabbits, How do you catch a plain rabbit? (Hide behind a bush and growl like a carrot. ):eek:
He said to be careful about catching animals because then you have to stay with them… I recall asking “What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit then? Being a smart-aleck. Without batting an eyelid he answered “A bad hare day.”:angel:

He explained some veterinary skills we may need for animals, simple things like, What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea? (Space and lots of it! ):D

He warned us about running into people in the forest and jungle, he told us to watch for crazy people and avoid them. So I asked, “How do crazy people go through the forest?”
“They take the psycho path.” He said.:angel:

Meanwhile I heard one of the guides saying “Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the jungle?”

We went into the jungle and were hiking along a jungle road when we stepped on and squashed a rabbit. Being an animal lover, I stopped to check on the rabbit and was completely distraught when I found I had killed the rabbit. A villager came by on his own with a huge basket and told me he could bring the rabbit back to life for the meagre sum of 1,000 boogahs (the local currency).
I said OK and the villager took out an aerosol can and sprayed the rabbit. A minute later the rabbit jumped up and hopped down the road. Every 10 seconds it would turn back and wave at the villager and I.

I happily paid the villager, voicing my amazement at the rabbit's recovery "But", I asked "what's with it turning back and waving every 10 seconds?"

The villager replied "I used hair restorer with permanent wave.":mad:We set up camp and very tired I fell asleep immediately. I had a dream that night that I was both a wigwam and a teepee. (My guide said I was too tense.!)

I found when I got home that a circus had come to town and set up in the paddock alongside my house. Then I found that I’d been robbed! I asked the Police “how did the intruder get into the house?” They replied “Intruder window.”:(
I figured it had to be someone from the circus, all night I sat up and stewed over it, listening to camels and elephants farting, whips cracking and general circus noises.
I was livid. I resolved to kill the circus.

But I thought to myself, “Self, How do you kill a circus?” I tried the internet, nothing, I tried encyclopaedias, nothing…then it dawned on me….. The way to kill a circus is…Go for the juggler!:twisted:

I looked outside and watched as a huge frog parked his big car outside my house, I saw he didn’t even put money into the parking meter…and sure enough it happened…
It got toad!

I was feeling better, so I went for a walk, as I looked into shops I saw two men were seated in an Indian restaurant when a car crashed through the window. It was terrible, I raced up expecting the worst but both survived, but one now has a dicky tikka and the other is in a korma.;)

A bit further on I saw Bob Dylan go into a bar and asks for a coffee!!. I had to go in and watch the man who helped change the face of music across the world. As I watched mesmerised, he shouts over to the waiter " Hey man this coffee tastes like mud"
Waiter replied "So it should, it was ground this morning.:angel:

I went home… on the way I realised what happens if bees don’t want to drive….. They go to a buzz stop.
It was a big day and obviously I learnt a lot…

Cheers
Digger

PS Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic; and then it’s Ventolin.

feel free to join in!

digger

8th November 2011, 10:59 AM

Ive learnt all about music

Here is my "Dictionary of Musical Terms "

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA : People singing when they should be talking.

RAP : People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door

digger

8th November 2011, 11:11 AM

I learnt early not to mess with religion around my father..

As a teenage boy I had just passed my driving test and inquired of my father as to when we could discuss his use of the car.

My father said he'd make a deal with me: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

I thought about that for a moment, decided I'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks my father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'

I said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this my father replied.....

'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?

I also learnt that things have changed in heaven!! So, I popped up there for a look around...

A Blonde was obviousy sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. I listened in....
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'
Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...!

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

So, I went inside....

There I saw Jesus as he made his usual rounds in heaven, I was following him when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, youve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- youre supposed to be blissfully happy! Whats wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from Jesus eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

Yep its been eye opening stuff!! - feel free to join in

digger

8th November 2011, 12:32 PM

I learnt to ignore my dreams but
last night I had a vivid dream, I call it The Stagecoach Dream

I had a dream last night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left
side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the
right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse
into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and
jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

maybe I should keep ignoring those dreams?? :)

Lotz-A-Landies

16th November 2011, 09:18 AM

Hiding on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What
seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24
was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

Lotz-A-Landies

16th November 2011, 09:31 AM

From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The NRMA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Lotz-A-Landies

22nd November 2011, 03:55 PM

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant..
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Lotz-A-Landies

14th December 2011, 10:53 AM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Aussie Jeepster

14th December 2011, 01:03 PM

One Wish from Over The Pond

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Lotz-A-Landies

21st February 2012, 12:34 PM

A little boy asks his father: "Dad what’s between Mum’s legs?"

The father answers: "Paradise , my son."

The kid asks again: "What’s between your legs Dad?"

The father replies: "The key to paradise."

The son whispers conspiratorially: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock. The neighbour has a duplicate key!"

digger

18th March 2012, 10:24 PM

Well I'm back again, I've learnt more and I'm writing it all up..

in the meantime, I have just been watching a Sky news report.

Apparently the Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
I was shocked I didnt know they were getting involved.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..

Looks like it was a mortar attack.

digger

18th March 2012, 10:44 PM

Well, I shall try and fill you in on whats happened since my last update...

Its been busy and I’ve learnt a lot...:o

For instance I saw the doctor today and despite the embarrasment I had to drop my trousers and underdaks to show him a terrible rash on my old fella.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable, then as he grabbed his wife and shopping trolley and walked out of the supermarket he said, "Why don't you make an appointment at the surgery?":cool:
That was a tad embarrasing but I had been seeing him previously..

Let me explain, I am a duck hunter and was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when I decided to take a leak.....

I walked over to a tree and propped up my gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged - shooting me...... in the genitals!

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, I was approached by my doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'Thank God” I said, “What's the bad news?'”.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' I replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Australian Symphony Orchestra.
She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.' :o

But forget that... I should tell you a story about my Great Great Grandfather...

He was a tough old ringer from far North of the state, he counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The son, my great grandfather did this religiously up to when he turned 103 years of age, and last week he died.

He left behind:

14 Children...

30 Grandchildren...

40 Great grandchildren...

25 Great - great - grandchildren...

& a 15 foot crater... :eek: Where the crematorium used to be!!:twisted:

Let me tell you about his son, my grandfather and his Dying Wish (made also only recently!) which has already become legend in our family.

He lived in Canberra, and after his wife died became a priest, now he was an old priest and as he lay dying in the hospital made his wish.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Former Prime Minister and the Ex Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Ex Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Former Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit my grandfather, as the long serving priest was well known and liked.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected into the role of Prime Minister.
After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT- Stuff Julia!". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, my grandfather took Kevin’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin.
"Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

Let me explain the long delay between posts...

Upset at my grandfathers passing I left work early on the Friday before last Friday, but instead of going home, I spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When I finally returned home on Sunday night, my wife really got on my case and she really stayed on it!

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, my wife paused and pointed at me and in a strangely calm voice, she made me an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

I couldn't believe my luck.
So I looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!":twisted:
Monday went by....

and I didn't see my wife.;)

Tuesday and Wednesday went by....:) :D
and I still didn't see her.
Come Thursday...

the swelling went down a bit....
and I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye:p

I'll post more later of what I've learnt.... surely some of you have learnt stuff too!

Lotz-A-Landies

10th April 2012, 11:46 AM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road...

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,

hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read
the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter !!!

Lotz-A-Landies

10th April 2012, 01:32 PM

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely ****ed now."

digger

10th April 2012, 07:10 PM

Well, I must tell you about my morning!

It started when I awoke....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!':D

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!':cool:

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.:(:mad::eek:

So I learnt not everything is what you expect it will be.

digger

10th April 2012, 07:16 PM

It was late Easter Saturday and after a big night at the pub, Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence, grunting noises and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence, some grunting noises and a minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until .

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.

:p :D

digger

13th April 2012, 12:17 PM

I dont know if its true, I dont care, I enjoyed it so here it is!

Australian Letter of the year.
This is absolutely hilarious and so true...

Australian Letter of the Year.... This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Commonwealth Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f.....g astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!... ****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?? I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really ****ed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f.....g address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there! And another thing, look at my damn picture...do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f.....g copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f.....g easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f.....g heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society ******' to confirm You know the photo...the one where we're not allowed to smile?! .... You f.....g morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting some 'high-society ******' to confirm You know the photo. Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know.. someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F......G PAKISTAN!!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government". You are all idiots!"

Lotz-A-Landies

21st April 2012, 07:15 PM

Just got back from a trip in my time machine, where I visited Canberra in Dacember 2013.

During my visit I observed an old man approach the Lodge from Parliament house where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Guard standing guard and said,

"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

... The Guard looked at the man and said,

"Sir, Julia Gillard is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The old man said, " Okay," and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the Parliament House and said to the same Guard,

"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

The Guard again told the man,

"Sir, as I said yesterday, Julia Gillard is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the Parliament House and spoke to the very same Guard, saying,

"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

The Guard, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,

"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Julia Gillard. I've told you already that Julia Gillard is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Guard and said,

"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

"See you tomorrow, Sir.

digger

2nd May 2012, 06:53 PM

Today I learnt about compassion ....

I read the press release put out by the Collingwood cheer squad, they have just returned from a trip to an orphanage in Zimbabwe.

"It was a great chance to meet such underprivileged people with very little hope in life", said Alfred Mgombo, aged six.
:p:eek:

digger

5th May 2012, 10:14 PM

I wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted.

Since I didn't believe in such things, I rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. I told my friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe me.

They told me the only way they would believe was if I would take a picture of the ghost.

I went home and called for the ghost.

When it appeared, I explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible, feeling very disappointed, I called again for the ghost.

When it appeared, I showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

So instead I went to assist at a fundraising event being held in the local RSL by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for one of Ireland's last surviving and coincidentally most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies as he was visiting Australia.

He started telling the story of a mission flying his spitfire over France and how they were being strafed by German fire.

" I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below"

Just then I, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing, jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war"

Immediately the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"

I learnt that sometimes you should learn more about the speaker first!

digger

6th May 2012, 07:43 PM

Boy, have I had a bad week!

It all started when my Ipod wouldn't work...
So I changed my IPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.:)

I've written some notes I had thought about this week... here they are..

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I was worried so I spoke to my local chemist, and he had a heart attack and died...I learnt this week that when chemists die, they barium.

I always wondered how does Moses make his tea? I assume Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I went to the disco and this girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I truely believe that Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
This week I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

I decieded to go on tour, first, to America... but I had some questions.....
Why were the Indians in America first? (They had reservations.)
We are going on a class trip to the AMerican Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

On holidays I stopped shaving...I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Whilst away I heard about my daughters cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? She told me that when you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

I was a bad student I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

In England I learnt that they have no kidney bank, but I suppose it does have a Liverpool.

I was going to write some notes...then I realised Broken pencils are pointless.
I was bored so I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I know stuff like, What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Whilst in NEW YORK, I learnt that all the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. whilst I was visiting the NYPD a cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I got a job at a haunted bakery because I kneaded dough. Let me tell you haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Sorry I got stuck on the bakery thing....Speaking of getting stuck,,,Velcro, what a rip off!

The earthquake last week in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

OK I must go,
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Be kind to your dentist. Remember, He has fillings, too.

Cheers, feel free to add any of your thoughts...

Digger

Lotz-A-Landies

10th May 2012, 01:37 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

digger

2nd June 2012, 03:27 PM

Thankyou Inc for transferring this thread...

digger

7th June 2012, 01:31 AM

Boy, what a week I’ve had!, I have been very busy... I had a really bad day yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

But, after working on it for two years, this week I finally did a public theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

In the matinee audience was a primary school class, and a small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When I telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. I was really worried the teacher would be mad that this had occurred so I went to talk with him. Turns out he was a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

The kids got out of control and the magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. He came to us from a circus... Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Apparently the heat was in tents.

Anyway these students reminded me of my school days.....some days were great some were scary, for instance in my last year I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose. Earlier in the year a rubber band pistol was confiscated from me in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

I realised then that math teachers have lots of problems. I also realised that I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me. I recall that a rule of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no. And a prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

After school I had a few jobs, I may have mentioned these before.... First I sold farm equipment, (John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment I won't stand behind.) Then I joined the Army with my mate William, we were posted to Afghanistan and got what we thought would be a cushy job with the Quarter master, but it is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
When we got back William quit the army because he really disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. So we started doing orchestral appearances in workplaces, we were working in the mines when a crane strap broke.... let me put it this way.. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor....

Will then became a butcher but he backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work, with his compo payout he bought a really flash new car, after a big night on the bundys, he drove his expensive car into a tree and found out exactly how the Mercedes bends.

After months of treatment he told me these things about his medical treatments, He said he’s been to the dentist several times so he knows the drill. He said do not trust people who do acupuncture as they’re a mob of back stabbers, his proctologist reassured him that his condition could be rectified.
He said he was arrested after his therapist suggested he take something for his kleptomania.

I decided to find my own niche, First I was a greengrocer, Big mistake! Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed. So instead I invented a new type of broom, since it came out, it is sweeping the nation. I made a breakthrough when I realised a bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred. Then I thought “What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? “ It’s purely a tyre.

After that I invented a cardboard belt but I realised after that it would be a waist of paper.

Inventing runs in my family, My great grandfather, the one who invented the door knocker, got a No-bell prize. For a while, my great grandfather hung around with Houdini. The great magician used a lot of trap doors in his act, but according to my great grandfather he was just going through a stage.

Inspired by my great grandfathers works, I invented a fitting that holds your whipper snipper at 90 degrees to the ground, I ‘m telling you it’s cutting-hedge technology. Now I’ve developed some new worker safety reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Unfortunately my new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

I started the original online origami store? You guessed it, It folded. I started binge eating and got huge, I desperately wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

To pay for all this I have a job at the concrete plant but my job seems to get harder and harder. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. But usually I'm inclined to be laid back. I was a baker but I stopped making donuts after I got tired of the hole thing. I was a plumber, let me tell you, for plumbers, a flush beats a full house anyday! I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

My brother was an Olympic quality rower but he got dumped because as an indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar. He worked as a director of a compass manufacturer but the shareholders were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction. Then he invested in a funeral company, but it’s a dying industry. (Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.)

He had a bad run, when Harry Potter was big ,my brother invested in publishing a book of incantations, but it was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

I blame myself, We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. And as kids I tricked him a lot of times swapping his drink for superglue!, He didn't tell our mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. I hit him in the head with a can of coke one day, right in the temple! He was lucky it was a soft drink.

He used to scare me with spiders and bugs, I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. You see Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

I worked as an animal carer and there I learnt a lot too, for instance, I learnt that a chicken crossing the road is just poultry in motion. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder. I used to play hide and seek with some animals, All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck! I learnt that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. I was there when a dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering. I stopped doing this when 5000 hares escaped from the zoo when I was working . The police were combing the area all night.

I have taken a role as a “facilitator”, that means if people want stuff done, I am the guy who can get it done...
I have made some mistakes, like I learnt that:
*- If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing
*- novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
*- The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
*- I learnt that the Atheists society is a non-prophet organization and that Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
*- I was shocked to learn that Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
*- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
*- If you step onto a plane and recognize a client of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
*- Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
*-Even learned that a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

In my new office the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real. I bought lots of pencils as soon as I started, there were hundreds of different ones to chose from. I realised that pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? I bought a huge sharpener to go on my desk, Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips, but I had to have one, because to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

But I have made an impressive list of contacts and can arrange almost anything, If you need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
To supplement my wage I do weddings too, My first was last Saturday, I got all dressed up, I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I learnt that to some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
It was in a chinese restaurant, after a while they decided the lights were too bright at the restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

They saved money on the caterers and the coffee tasted like mud, I think it was because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.Someone stole my coffee, Stealing someone's coffee should be called 'mugging'.

The caterers had a nut based menu, Nuts are so expensive these days. Nearly cost you an almond a leg. They served beautiful cuts of meat, and I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Anyway enough of this, I need to be more flexible, like I don't think I need a spine. I reckon it's what is holding me back.

Time for bed, Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Feel free to join in! :)

Digger

4bee

7th June 2012, 08:36 AM

BLIMEY! Glad to see Vaudeville ain't dead, Digs.:D:D

Lotz-A-Landies

15th August 2012, 02:18 PM

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man, I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

digger

12th September 2012, 02:21 PM

OK, it’s been a while, sorry about that, but I’m back and I have learnt a few more things...
I went to the park to practice my boomerang throwing... I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
There were lots of people in the park, buskers, poets and a juggler.. well I think he was a juggler.... It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I saw that they had a “come and try” day for athletics, so I went over.. anyway I tried a few events... and I realised that although I used to have a fear of hurdles, I got over it. Unfortunately during all this I lost my watch!.... I was going to look for my missing watch, but honestly I didn’t bother.. I could never find the time.

I thought about putting up LOST posters but my pencil was broken... Then I realised that to write with a broken pencil is pointless. I got distracted when I thought about sharpening the pencil, I realised that Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips. I realised I was just exhausted and thats why I was thinking like this... No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

With a broken pencil I decided to go home.. I work on the second floor but as I have some phobias I usually take steps to avoid elevators. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

I could not pull out of my parking space because they parked in front of me, so I used my back up plan. I was an aspiring limbo dancer until I overcame my fear of crowded bars, then becoming a significant underachiever.

Unfortunately whilst limboing I put my back out.... I sought medical help... let me say only this, Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. I then went to a specialist and he sent me to a Proctologist, The proctologist reassured me that my condition could be rectified.

He also suggested I should clone myself.... Clone myself? I thought... You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you! Once I thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself. I gave up and realised that cloning is a nil conceived idea

A mate of mine was rich from cloning research, he decided to donate all his money to a worthy cause, His lofty eye deal was to provide free contact lenses for Giraffes. We went to the circus to see how these contact lenses would fit, they had a fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

After leaving there I had an appointment with my dentists.. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill. No one knew I had a dental implant until one day it came out in a conversation.

Whilst waiting to see the dentist I read his magazines and I leant these things:-
*- I read a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
*- The patron saint of American GFC poverty is St. Nickeless
*- The WW1 soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was considered to be a seasoned veteran.
*- When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

*- Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
*- For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
*- Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
*- The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction.
*- How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
*- A glide-path is a soar spot.

I went back home, on the way there I passed a wedding. Looking in I could see that it was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I saw they had a young pirate band playing, I think it was a mistake.. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.

I went home to do some handiwork, I do a bit of DIY... Its going OK, I got a nasty electric shock the other day, but I wasn't phased.
I decided to cook my tea, My famous bacon soup recipe began as an add hock meal, but was nice.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

A friend of mine was a lawyer but he has quit and became a chef, I believe that a lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

I tried to fix things around the house but I pricked my finger badly while trying to find a needle in my wife's sewing box. It was a crewel turn of events.

I decided it was time to take a rest.. Im inclined to be laid back.
Hopefully I’ll learn something tomorrow.

feel free to join in

digger

14th September 2012, 01:33 AM

Boy did I have a crap day!.. But I learnt something so it wasnt all wasted...

A lawyer and I were seated next to each other on a flight from MELB to ADEL. The lawyer asks if I would like to play a fun game? I was tired, just want to take a nap, politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, I declined and tried to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the my attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless I play, agreed to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

I didn't say a word, reached into my wallet, pulled out a $5.00 bill and handed it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

So I asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and even the American library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes me, and hands me $500.00.

I said, "Thank you, " and turned back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, waked me and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, I reached into my wallet, pulled out a $5.00 bill and handed it to the lawyer, and I went back to sleep.

digger

2nd October 2012, 01:05 PM

I decided to go to the beach and I saw a man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. I noticed he was all alone and that he had no arms and no legs.

Whilst I was nearby three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and apparently felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f***ed,
laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

I learnt that there are different types of compassion...

feel free to join in!

digger

20th October 2012, 12:06 AM

Some thoughts and quotes I've jotted down as I travelled...

I'm the humblest person I know.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

We never make misteaks.

87.5% of all statistics are made up.

The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.

Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.

Speling is my favourite subject (Bill Winder)

Just say NO to negativity!

I am not in denial!

Being bored keeps me busy.

I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.

I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve.

Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.

Repeat after me. We are all individuals. - Brian (Graham Chapman) in Monty Python's Life of Brian.

A man's response to seeing the ocean for the first time: "It's not as big as I thought it would be."

If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%? (Joel Gwynn)

All generalizations are wrong (Vivek Dhar)

"Sterility is hereditary" and "disobey me". (Alexandre Bouthors)

I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet. (Carl Crowder)

My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care. (Carl Crowder)

It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.

If I am not on Mars, I must be somewhere else. Since I am somewhere else, I must not be here. Could I am there? It is certainly somewhere else. Please take a look and let me know if find me.

Paraphrased from Victor Borge on stage: "The last time I was here... - well it's not the last time, this is. But I hope it isn't.

What is this a paraphrase of?

I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid (James Demastus)

"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none. (Chris Mark)

Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else. (Mike Saltzman)

I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me. (David Cervera)

Some people say I have a short attention span, but I .......(David Cervera)

I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over? (Mike Kaply)

I tried to be patient but it took too long

I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.

I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered.

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

... a conversation I once had with a Scottish earl in which he condemned snobbery on the grounds that it was 'common'. (Toby Young, Spectator Jan 2010.

After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long? (Douglas N. Beck)

"And finally, what question would you least like to be asked in this interview?" "That was it." (Sean Omweg)

Patience is a virtue I wish I'd waited for. (Allan Tripp)

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

All extremists should be taken out and shot!

If you say "gullible" very slowly it sounds like "oranges". (Julie Truong)

If you are what you eat; eat a vegetarian. (David Vulcez)

I thought I was wrong once but I was correct. (David Vulcez)

I am very passionate about my apathy. (David Vulcez)

"They're saying Facebook and Twitter have killed meaningful communication." "Like."

You are what you believe so believe in yourself. (David Vulcez)

I accept all religious beliefs, except this one. (John Carlson)

I'm so meta, even this acronym. (Jake Brown)

It brings bad luck to be superstitious.

Some people get confused when a sentence doesn't end as they potato.

anyway that clears my notebook of quotes and thoughts

Cheers