Advice please

[LandyAndy]

You guys have read my thread about my mate Fat Baz passing away tragicaly.
I want to go and visit his parents,they are great people and always have had time for a chat.
Tried to go around after work,I just couldnt do it.Deb just brought the same subject up,she wants to go and see them tommorow.I told her I just dont think I can do it.
Anybody able to help???
After not wanting to go to work today I forced myself to do so rather than mope around the house.It wasnt much better,Baz used to work with us so work isnt a nice place either,everyboby is on a real downer.Managed to keep it together all day,till I went to visit Bazs parents,I just lost the plot again.
Andrew

[Fusion]

Mate , It's a very tough thing to do and will take all of your power to go around and see them . But by going and seeing them you will get to release some of that pain with people you like . Or even give them a ring on the phone .... take baby steps mate . It's a very tough time and i have been there also but the pain does ease in little amounts over time . Chin up mate as you'll get through it . Ever need a chat just PM me ... anytime :);).

[Jamo]

That's a tough one Andrew.

I would probably make myself visit them. You don't have to say much and they probably won't expect it. Sometimes just sitting there for a few minutes sharing the pain is comforting in itself.

[spudboy]

It'll be like that for a few days/weeks. Things will get better as time passes.

Our household has had the same thing recently. 2 funerals in 2 weeks.

[Xavie]

Go see 'em mate. If nothing at all is said and all you did was give them a hug or a hand shake at least they'd know your thinking of them and their child.

In times like this every little bit of support helps. If you cry or lose the plot when your with them that's not necessarily bad. It is nice for parents to know their kids are missed and were loved.

All the best,
Xav

[isuzurover]

I agree with Jamo. But I would probably call before going around.

[V8Landy]

I wouldn't call just go around and see them.If they are busy with arrangments they will let you know when to come around.I have recently lost my mum then a few weeks later we lost her mum.If it wasn't for the support of people coming around i don't know how we would of coped.Especially her work mates,We had no idea the extent she was loved until she was gone.The people that walked through the door was unbelievable.people stay away not wanting to annoy the family but when i come across it again i will go and see them,plate in hand.

[abaddonxi]

Sometimes having someone sit by without having to say anything is a good thing.

Condolences
Simon

[Ben]

Mate, don't beat yourself up about how you feel and don't try to rush it - there's no particular way you're meant to act - just take it as it comes and in your own time.

I lost my best friend three years ago out of the blue - after a lot of apprehension, I finally visited her mum and we just hugged for ages. Very little was said, but it certainly was beneficial.

[Sleepy]

No rulebooks mate. Go and see them, you'll know what to say, or not say, when you get there. I'm sure they'll appreciate your visit.

One day at a time Andrew, things will slowly seem clearer in your mind.

Sounds to me like Baz was a lucky guy to have you as his mate!

[DirtyDawg]

Andy mate, his mum and family will need the support of his true mates, going over there will hurt but think of it in a way your doing it for Baz and it will help with the greiving process for all of you involved.

[Narangga]

If you haven't already been then go. If you end up losing it, then like others have said they'll appreciate that you really liked their son. Often we need to grieve together as people are finding up here with the plane that went missing and has only just been found in 17metres of water ina bay.

Hang in there mate.

[LandyAndy]

Deb went around tonite,I just couldnt do it.
She returned home with Bazs old man,hell of a man,holding up so well.
Thanks people for all the support,this is tearing me to bits.
Andrew

[edddo]

I agree it important to do these things....for ourselves and for others ie your mates parents....sounds like they know how close you were to him and would value some time with you...and it may be that they (and you) may value that time even more in a few months when most others have moved on with life and they are left with with thier stark grief...?

[CraigE]

Really tough Andy, but you do need to see them. It will help all of you.
me and Mel had the same some years ago with a friend in Kambalda and his parents lived up and across the road from us. One of the hardest things we have had to ever do was go up there and see his parents and brothers. We had all been friends and our parents friends with his parents, but it was also a huge release and lots of love and sharing of the grief helped.
No easy answers.
Cheers
Craig

[Sleepy]

Hang in there mate. Remember it's ok to let it all out.

[Landy110]

As a parent who has lost a child I can tell you there is nothing you can say that will be a huge help because the only thing they want they can never have. So don't stress about what to say.
Being there and letting them know you share their pain is all the help you can give them, and believe me, it helps !
You don't have to rush it either, they probably have family around for the first week, it is when they go home that you need to make the effort because his parents will be left alone while everyone else gets on with their lives. Leaving them in a shattered heap !
If you were a good mate and know his parents well then stay in touch and talk about him, keep him alive unless they would rather not talk about him, we all handle it differently.
Remember Christmas is coming up and it is going to be a bitch !
My daughter was 13 when she died and one of her freinds stepped up and came around and helped decorate the chrissy tree and involved us in her life, she probably saved my life.
Call them, visit them, send them a card.
Make a note of the date of the accident and call them on the six month anniversary, funny how time effects us.
Send or take them some flowers a few days before the twelve month anniversary, don't let them go into that one thinking no-one remembers or cares.
Steve.

[George130]

If you can amnage it then go and see them. It will help you and them cope. If you realy can't manage it call them.
It gets easier in time but it can be a long hard road and you can do some very silly things to cope at the time.

[Quiggers]

Andy, you are grieving the death of a close friend. There is nothing wrong with feeling very empty, very sad, probably teary and not knowing what to do, few of us are trained for what you are experiencing. You've said 'everybody is on a real downer', so others are feeling what you feel.

So talk with them. Talk anything. But talk. Go and kick something, (like an old Landy), have a few beers with others who feel as you do. Do not feel you are alone. You are not. And don't bottle it up, which you aren't, as you are talking here.

Moving on from this tragedy will take a while so be prepared,
and know others feel as you do. And when the day comes for Fat Bazs funeral, (and his partner) make it a good one for them.

And one other thing, tears are cathartic, and that's okay, eventually they will pass. Just remember your mate as a great person, and maybe get all your buddies to make a monument at work for him. He'd probably like that.

Not too far away, keep us posted, please.
Gra

[cartm58]

Do whatever whenever you feel is right for your mate his wife and their families, its hard because its called mateship

Nothing anyone tells you is going to make it easier on you or them

He was you mate, their son and daughter and only good thing to come out of all this is its your collective loss to those who were left to mourn their passing.

IF your feeling bad about it than thats okay but your mate would want you to share you burden with someone and who better than with the people who knew and loved him as much as you his family

Go get yourself some love and understanding and give some out yourself

[LandyAndy]

Hanging in there people.
Talked to Bazs parents this morning,was easy after his dads visit during the week.
Went out and spent some time at the crash site today to be with Baz.
Thanks DirtyDawg and CraigE for the phone calls,it helps.
Thanks for all the support,service is next friday.
Andrew

[Narangga]

Good onya mate. Gotta keep one foot in front of the other - the speed don't matter. Will be thinking of you on Friday.

[George130]

Good to hear you are getting through it.
We are all here if youo need support.

[p38arover]

Andy, as you know we lost our son earlier this year.

As a parent it isn't easy meeting and greeting people - but it's a damn sight easier when one doesn't have to tell people what happened and when people just come to say hello and ask how they can help (they can''t but it's nice to know they care).

Just don't get pushy in how the funeral arrangements, etc., should be done (we had that from family and friends) - leave it for the immediate family to decide. We had that and it really got our backs up!

Sometimes, as a parent, one gets overwhelmed by the visitors but they do help. The more we talk about it, the easier it gets. That's not to say that Baz's parents won't break down at the oddest moments. They will.

To be honest, it is nice to know that ones off-spring was well regarded by his peers. You can do the same for Baz's parents by visiting them so they know you cared. It really does help.

It's been 9 months for us and we both still get teary (as I am now) - and so will they. Go and see Baz's family and don't be or act embarrassed if they weep. Hugging them as they weep may make them sob even more - I know I did but I appreciated the hug. It happened recently at work. I had to tell someone who knew our son but didn't know, She just hugged me as I sobbed. It helped.

Ron

[Landy110]

Ron has put it well and I know how replying to this brings on the tears, even after three years.
When you think it is appropriate, let fat Baz's parents know about the support on this forum. It can help to feel that others, even strangers have been affected and care about their loss.

Please pass on my condolances from one parent who has lost a child to them and tell them I am thinking of them.
Steve.

[LandyAndy]

Yes I hope to sit here with Phil and Julie and show them the threads.
Andrew