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Thread: Friday funnies. From Friday five. Control tower related.

  1. #1
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    Friday funnies. From Friday five. Control tower related.

    I'll post this while I still can.

    Friday Funnies
    Humorous exchanges between pilots and control towers....Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard-right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said. "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So, it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed up! You can expect instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"The humbled crew responded: "Yes, ma'am."Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    halfbacks were invented to stop prop forwards taking over the world.

    Sometimes courage doesnt roar, sometimes it's the little voice at the end of the day, that says " I'll try again tomorrow."

    Illegitimi non carborundum

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Some more from friday five.

    During WW2 a Polish fighter ace was shot down over the Chanel and retrieved by the British Navy. Being such a famous flyer, the BBC decided to interview him on national radio. In a posh British accent, the interviewer asked,‘I say, Squadron Leader Slupinski how did you get shot down?‘Well he replied it was really bad luck. I was flying at 25 000 feet when suddenly this Fokker came out of the sun and his aim was good …’‘But a Fokker is a German plane …’‘No!’ said the ace, ‘This Fokker was a Messerschmidt’

    .
    As one of Connair’s Fokker Friendships flew across from Bathurst Island to Darwin the pilot received a message:‘May Day! May Day! May Day! My boat is sinking. I need help’.‘This the Captain of Fokker Friendship PWN …I don’t want your friendship! I need your help.’

    An aircraft flying over Darwin called the tower and asked for the time.‘Can you identify yourself. What is your call sign?’‘I only want the time I don’t have time to chat about call signs’‘Okay’, Replied the tower. If you’re Qantas it is sixteen hundred hours; if you’re Ansett it's four in the afternoon, if you’re Robertson’s the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the four; if you’re Connair it’s Wednesday.
    halfbacks were invented to stop prop forwards taking over the world.

    Sometimes courage doesnt roar, sometimes it's the little voice at the end of the day, that says " I'll try again tomorrow."

    Illegitimi non carborundum

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Logan
    Posts
    20,213
    Since we're doing Friday funnies, here's 15 excuses for having a car accident. I particularly like 15.

    15 Silliest Excuses For Car Crashes | Gem Agency Insurance
    2009 Defender 110 2.4. ARB bulbar, Ironman winch, Safari snorkel, Steinbauer chip, AP HD clutch, Lightforce spots, larger tank, Off Road Systems drawer, Traxide 160 controller, Tekonsha brakes, Mulgo seat runners, Uniden UHF, Nuggetstuff seat corners, breathers, Polaris GPS.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Logan
    Posts
    20,213
    I also like this one:

    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
    2009 Defender 110 2.4. ARB bulbar, Ironman winch, Safari snorkel, Steinbauer chip, AP HD clutch, Lightforce spots, larger tank, Off Road Systems drawer, Traxide 160 controller, Tekonsha brakes, Mulgo seat runners, Uniden UHF, Nuggetstuff seat corners, breathers, Polaris GPS.

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