Joke thread 2

[Phoenix]

I just love that video 8)

[Redbak]

Kids ....

A farther was packing for his business trip, his 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before he rushed out of the room again.

When he returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. he said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" :?:

Davo

[Redbak]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of
a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided
he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16
and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half
wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new
hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache!"

8O

Davo

[Redbak]

Wive uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off).

That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but its hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Davo :wink:

[Knight]

It was opening night at the Palace Theater and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

****!" said the hypnotist. ..........

It is reported that it took three weeks to clean up the entire theater.


(think about it....)

Cheers
Knight

[VladTepes]

I didn't need to think about it.
It's obviously on my level. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[VladTepes]

PARENTAL WARNING: A Bit Rude... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]


Clean your computer monitor from the inside:

http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/cia...iagnijcycka.swf

[Knight]

Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
is
permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the
following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be
legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your
family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24
hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you
actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge
is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a
birthday present for another man. In fact,
even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit
stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a
sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you
have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under
the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's
officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and
it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril
are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.
Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch
sports" must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game (can
explain offside or LBW) and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last
beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both
that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his
six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in
discussing a mate of yours, except if she's
withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to
another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless
you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation
with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was
formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken
monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her
car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours
of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question
"What do you want for Christmas?" with
"If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice
Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever


(it was a long list - but worth it!)

Cheers
Knight

[incisor]

True Story...
by Unknown

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the IDIOT that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!"

[Knight]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you" he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"





(Scroll down......)












"These are the six pallbearers for your dead pussy!!!!" 8O 8O

i know it's a bit rude ops: .....but how funny is it! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink: