Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

[bigbugga]

Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by bigbugga
A woman... goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.

Yeah right :roll:

You wish :!:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
A woman... goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.

Yeah right :roll:

You wish :!:[/b][/quote]

Was wondering who would spot that [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Pedro_The_Swift]

New PBS Drugs For Women
> >
> >
> >D A M N I T O L
> >
> >Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
> >for up to 8 full hours.
> >
> >
> >ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> >
> >Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
> >rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
> >
> >
> >E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> >
> >Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
> >loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were
> >as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.
> >
> >
> >P E P T O B I M B O
> >
> >Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
> >cups swallowed before an evening out increases
> >breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

> >
> >
> >D U M B E R O L
> >
> >When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
> >low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup
trucks.
> >
> >
> >F L I P I T O R
> >
> >Increases life expectancy of commuters by
> >controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

> >
> >
> >M E N I C I L L I N
> >
> >Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
> >resistance to such lethal lines as: "You make me
> >want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
> >
> >
> >B U Y A G R A
> >
> >Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
> >Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of
> >spending spree.
> >
> >
> >J A C K A S S P I R I N
> >
> >Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
> >remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
> >
> >
> >A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> >
> >A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
> >anyone too eager to share their life stories with
> >total strangers in elevators.
> >
> >
> >N A G A M E T
> >
> >When administered to a husband, provides the same
> >irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving
> >the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
> >
> >Call your pharmacist now!

[bigbugga]

Rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

[Knight]

Oh, BB - that last one - Brilliant!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Here's one from me......

Apparently, these are actual complaints from UK tenants to their
landlords!!!


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers!

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and
not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] BB and Knight.

[Knight]

**Please dont take offence**

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead! 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

No offence taken. (Too busy ROFLMAO) [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]