Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Knight]

(Sorry for this being in capitals! - i am not yelling, i'm just too lazy to change this whole joke to lower case.......)

"THE RAISE"

I, THE PENIS, HEREBY REQUEST A RAISE IN SALARY FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

I DO PHYSICAL LABOR.
I WORK AT GREAT DEPTHS.
I PLUNGE HEAD FIRST INTO EVERYTHING I DO.
I DO NOT GET WEEKENDS OFF OR PUBLIC HOLIDAYS.
I WORK IN A DAMP ENVIRONMENT.
I DON'T GET PAID OVERTIME.
I WORK IN A DARK PLACE THAT HAS POOR VENTILATION.
I WORK IN HIGH TEMPERATURES.
MY WORK EXPOSES ME TO CONTAGIOUS DISEASES.



DEAR PENIS,

AFTER ASSESSING YOUR REQUEST, AND CONSIDERING THE ARGUMENTS YOU HAVE RAISED, THE ADMINISTRATION REJECTS YOUR REQUEST FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

YOU DO NOT WORK 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.
YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE JOB AFTER BRIEF WORK PERIODS.
YOU DO NOT ALWAYS FOLLOW THE ORDERS OF THE MANAGEMENT TEAM.
YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION, AND OFTEN VISIT OTHER AREAS.
YOU DO NOT TAKE INITIATIVE-YOU NEED TO BE PRESSURED AND STIMULATED IN ORDER
TO START WORKING.
YOU LEAVE THE WORKPLACE RATHER MESSY AT THE END OF YOUR SHIFT.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS OBSERVE NECESSARY SAFETY REGULATIONS, SUCH AS WEARING THE CORRECT PROTECTIVE CLOTHING.
YOU'LL RETIRE WELL BEFORE REACHING 65.
YOU'RE UNABLE TO WORK DOUBLE SHIFTS.
YOU SOMETIMES LEAVE YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE DAY'S WORK.

AND IF THAT WERE NOT ALL, YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN CONSTANTLY ENTERING AND LEAVING THE WORKPLACE CARRYING 2 SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BAGS.

SINCERELY;
THE MANAGEMENT

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Knight




YOU DO NOT WORK 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.

:

I think there would be a work place safty issue with this one.

Friction burns
Possiable fire risk (rubbing=heat)
RSI

[VladTepes]

Windows RG (Really Good Edition)

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/winrg.php

Heaps of fun going through all the options and things. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Pedro_The_Swift]

RG could be XP's brother,,,,

[Knight]

The Lawyer

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer
comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before
speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five
minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any
questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my
beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's with the
panel beater it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams.

"Where's my Rolex?" 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[VladTepes]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. (or so the story goes :wink: )

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

sounds like a Roadrunner Coyote cartoon!!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Expat]

This scares me......



If you cant view the pic....heres the link...... http://ircimages.com/popup/ircimages/0/3/0...6ce5a8b640b.jpg