Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

A tough old cowboy was teaching his son how to live a long and prosperous
life.
he said, just add a teaspoon of gun powder to your breakfast cereal each
day, and you'll live to be 100!

So the son did.

He died at age 100, and left behind
15 children,
65 grandchildren,
118 great grandchildren, and
a 33 metre hole where the Crematorium used to be!


Thanks to Incisor for this one :wink:

[VladTepes]

Happiness


To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :


1. a friend


2. a companion


3. a lover


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master


7. a chef


8. an electrician


9. a carpenter


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic


12. a decorator


13. a stylist


14. a sexologist


15. a gynaecologist


16. a psychologist


17. a pest exterminator


18. a psychiatrist


19. a healer


20. a good listener


21. an organizer


22. a good father


23. very clean


24. sympathetic


25. athletic


26. warm


27. attentive


28. gallant


29. intelligent


30. funny


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong


34. understanding


35. tolerant


36. prudent


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous


40. determined


41. true


42. dependable


43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


44. give her compliments regularly


45. love shopping


46. be honest


47. be very rich


48. not stress her out


49. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


53. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :


1. Shag him


2. Leave him in peace

[VladTepes]

What's Male & Female

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For example...

1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while
he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Of course a female is the author of this nonsense.

[Knight]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his
talk he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand
and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"



"I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"


(Yep, an oldie, but still a goodie!!)

Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

A woman bought an area of bush in NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest peices of the property, so she decided to climb to the top of the tree to get a better view of her land.

As she neared the top, a wedge-tailed eagle attacked her. In her panic to get down the tree again, she ended up with a lot of splinters in her privates.

In considerable pain, she rushed to the nearest doctor, who listened to her story and then asked her to wait in the examining room while he prepared to deal with her.

After three hours of waiting she was pretty angry, and when the doctor eventually returned she demanded to know where he'd been.

Unperturbed, the doctor replied "I had to get permits from National Parks and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area".

[VladTepes]

A guy goes to visit a friend who is paralysed from the waist down. After talking for a while his friend says "My feet are cold, would you please pop upstairs and get my slippers?"

Of course he says "yes" and nips upstairs... where he bumps into his friends to gorgeous daughters.

He says "Hi girls. Your father just sent me up to screw you both!"

The first daughter says "That can't be true!"

"Yes it is," he replies, "I'll prove it to you"

So he yells back down the stairs "Both of them?"

To which the reply comes back "Of course both of them!"

[Knight]

A guy goes to the local council Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favour. "Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the council, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that"


Pure gold that one!

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Phoenix]

Originally posted by VladTepes
A guy goes to visit a friend who is paralysed from the waist down. After talking for a while his friend says "My feet are cold, would you please pop upstairs and get my slippers?"

Of course he says "yes" and nips upstairs... where he bumps into his friends to gorgeous daughters.

He says "Hi girls. Your father just sent me up to screw you both!"

The first daughter says "That can't be true!"

"Yes it is," he replies, "I'll prove it to you"

So he yells back down the stairs "Both of them?"

To which the reply comes back "Of course both of them!"

ROTFLMAO, I can't breathe, I can't breathe [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

absoloutely a classic [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Phoenix]

Stolen from another forum, but a real life situation, more than a joke, but hillarious none the same.

DaveW is one of the memebrs of the forum who visited TMum (who is married to Ron).

Originally posted by TMum
OOPS :!: Me and my big mouth ops:

After meeting up with DaveW in Brissie yesterday we walked up to Ron's office to drop off Dave's luggage, a huge suitcase on wheels.

On the way back to the CBD I happened to run into Ron's boss of 10 years who asked

"What are you doing up here"

I pointed to DaveW and said "Oh, I am just spending the day in town with my boyfriend"

He looked at DaveW and looked at me, confusion written all over his face

"What has Ron said about this?" the boss asked.

I replied "Ron just said to Dave to have me back by 4.30pm"

The boss looked at DaveW for comfirmation, and DaveW, with a brilliant poker face said "Yep, that is what Ron said".




Later that afternoon Ron was leaving his office with DaveW's suitcase when he ran into his boss.

"Ron, what is with the suitcase?"

Ron, not knowing about the conversation I'd had with his boss replied,

"I am leaving home" :!: and without another word left the office.


:? :? not doubt the boss spent a confused evening wondering just what the heck is going on.

Ron and I had a huge laugh about it last night

:shock: And never ever try to play poker with DaveW. :!:

[One Ten]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

* Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

* Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

* Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

* Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

* Keyboard - Where you hang the bike keys

* Window - What you shut when it's cold

* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

* Byte - What mosquitoes do

* Bit - What mosquitoes did

* Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

* Chip - A bar snack

* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

* Modem - What you did to the lawns

* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's

* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

* Mainframe - What holds the shed up

* Web - What spiders make

* Web Site - The shed or under the veranda

* Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

* Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

* Upgrade - A steep hill

* Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

* Online - When you get the laundry hung out

* Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up