Joke thread 2

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!"
8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Love that one!
Cheers
Knight :wink:

Two blondes are in thinking of taking a holiday.

One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other.... "Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other blonde replies:
"HELLOOOOO!!!!!!
Can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

Male vs Female


1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.


If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.


4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



6 . FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


7 . SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


8 . MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


9 . DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.


A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


1 0. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.


Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


1 1 . OFFSPRING

Ah, children.


A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


12 . THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.


#12 Thats my life........ [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Tyrepower

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack
asses,
and
pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws


Mmmmmmmm, please don't tell my lady......Tyrepower [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Knight
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!"
8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Love that one!
Cheers
Knight :wink:

---

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: "OI" whats your game then, you have got the character's in that joke back to front (Its been round for age's and everyone knows it was an Aussie sheep station owner sitting patting his dog [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Homer is the MAN!!!!!


Subject: Homer..
If you love Homer Simpson...
Quotes from the most wise of all television Characters Homer's quotes
we can all use for everyday occurrences.......

1. You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.

2. With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

3. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees
at you?

4. I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there,
please Superman, help me!

5. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

6. Facts are meaningless. You couldn't use facts to prove anything
that's even remotely true.

7. Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and
eskimos.

8. Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another
begins.

9. I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

10. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a
blender.

11. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals. Except the weasel.

12. There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

13. Note to self. Stop doing anything.

14. I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.

15. Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

16. If a women says "Nothing is wrong".... Something is wrong. If a women says "Something is wrong".... You better believe something is wrong. If a women says "That's not funny" you better not laugh your ass off!!!!

:twisted: 4 and 16 are my favorites [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] . I have fallen victim to 16 a few times. Women have a different view of what constitutes funny to what beer fuelled men find funny :twisted: :twisted: Tyrepower.

One for the boys.....

True Story

Bloody scientists

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference
announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist
outside and kicked the sh*t out of him. :twisted:

but wait, there's more......

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account!"

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?" 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

[img]http://www.****edupjokes.com/files/picture/53344285.jpg[/img]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it.....

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.