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CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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Mario the Greek is sitting on a hill over looking his village talking to his young nephew.
Saying "how come I make the best wine in the whole of Greece, yet when the people see me in the street no one says Look there is Mario the best wine maker in the whole of Greece........no"
"Also how come I build the best houses in the whole of Greece, and yet when the people see me on the street.........no one says look there is Mario the best builder in the whole of Greece.......no"
"And how come I make the best Olive's in the whole of Greece and yet when people see me on the street...........no one says look there is Mario the best Olive maker in the whole of Greece......no"
Yet they catch you making love with just one Donkey.....................
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
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After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver
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A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples"
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CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Love it!!
Knight :wink:
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Yeah it's a good joke but there's no need to shout about it... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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sorry about that VladTepes - was the way it copied and pasted!! :roll:
(i shall edit before posting next time) :oops:
Back soon (got to edit first) :wink:
Knight
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img]
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"Life is all about ass:
you're either
covering it, :oops:
laughing it off, [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
kicking it, :evil:
kissing it, :roll:
busting it, :x
or trying to get a piece of it." :twisted:
(and don't forget, at some point during every single day, we all have to deal with one or two)
not really that funny - but still had to share it
Cheers
Knight
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Two blondes walking along the beach.
One says to the other " Look !, a dead Seagull "
Blonde looks skyward and say's "Where ?"
Davo [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]
