Joke thread 2

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,
as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

(one for the boys....i guess?!!)

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!!
USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you?
Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when
I am driving and you sit next to me."

:wink: Knight

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] classic [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Quote:

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Originally posted by medic455
Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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Don't think I missed that now, will you :?: :!: :wink: :twisted:

Quote:

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Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-medic455
Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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Don't think I missed that now, will you :?: :!: :wink: :twisted:[/b][/quote]



Wouldn't dare [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img] :twisted:

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well.......

>

>

>Once upon a time Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and

>finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, whom they called

>"Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

>

>When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her

>about going out and getting half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally

>mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with

>a bunch of Tater Tots.

>

>Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a

>rotten potato out of her! However, on the other hand she wasn't going to

>stay home and become a Couch potato either.

>

>Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (Potato University) so

>that when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

>

>But in spite of all they did for her, Yam came home one day and

>announced she was going to marry Eddie McGuire.

>

>Eddie McGuire!

>

>Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

>

>They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is

>just a.....

>

>

>Common Tater

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the decease blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay? :twisted:

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.
The answers came from a fellow Aussie.
Between brackets shows the country where the question came from.

===============================================

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
---
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
---
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water with you.
---
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
---
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
---
6. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
---
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
---
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
---
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
---
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
---
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink !
---
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
---
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
---
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
---
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
---
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them !
---
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
---
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
---
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
---
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
---
21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.




8O 8O 8O 8O :? [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Hey All,
Hopefully this one doesnt offend anyone 8O .....Sorry if it does :roll: (well, sort of... :twisted: )


Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(__)(__) A "wide load" ass

(!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass

{_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_Lame_) Lame ass

(_jack_) Jackass

(_-$_) Cheap ass

(_0_) A Prison ass

(_) Half ass

(®^®) Registered ass

(__|___) Lop sided ass

(_:_) 2 holed ass

(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

()() Ass print on a window

( * * ) Ass with dimples

(_X X_) A kicked ass

(_%_) An average ass

(_$_) A rich ass

[_!_] A hard ass


Cheers
Knight :wink: