Joke thread 2

[VladTepes]

Little Johhny was busily making rude sandcastles in the sand pit when his mother came out.
“Come on Johnny”, she said. “Off to the toilet you go, hurry up!”
“Oh, mum”, Johnny pleaded. “I want Grandma! I want Grandma!”
“What’s so special about your grandmother?” his mum asked.
“Her hand shakes”, Johnny grinned.

[VladTepes]

Little Girl: “Mummy, mummy! Dad just shot my kitten!”

Mother: “Never mind, sweetie, Perhaps he had to do it.”

Little Girl: “No, he didn’t. He said I could do it.”

[Knight]

The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to he bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few moments later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in
amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a
few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped
up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its
beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped
down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry
Ma'am, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Knight :!:
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Classic

I love it.

[Saintmud]

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
=========
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said," Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
==========
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Interesting," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's upstairs?"

Third floor
=========
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" exclaimed the women,
"Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And up they went.

Fourth floor
==========
This door had a sign saying
"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me!!! But just think - what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor
=========
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

[Saintmud]

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on
her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quite voice,

"I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck"

[VladTepes]

[VladTepes]

[Knight]

I'll drink to that one Vlads........Nice One!! 8)

That would explain why i am SO good at playing pool when i'm sloshed!

Cheers...(and yep, drink up)
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Go here:

http://www.aulro.com/modules.php'set_album...=view_album.php

and click on the video titled "stupid dog"