Joke thread 2

[Goblin]

Hope y'all don't mind a new thread. The last one had some crackers but was getting a bit long.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vetinary surgery. As she lay
her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The
distressed owner wailed,"Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is
dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet
turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
the bill. "$250!" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $35, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan...."

[bigbugga]

Dont mind a new one at all.
so here is my entry into the new funnies.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry
and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of ...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it,"

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.

Photographer - "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my god!!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult ?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement)

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your
um..equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod??

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?... ..Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Knight]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?,calls one of the nuns.
The Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the
door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

Nice tits, says the man, where do you want these blinds?


Cheers
Knight
(TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK !!)

[bigbugga]

London,
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans..You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Phoenix]

I haven't seen that one for ages, my all time favorite [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

And we knew you would be back knight :wink: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Goblin]

Two Irish ladies in a train on the way to Belfast. Both were knitting a jump suit for the yet to be born babies.

First lady says "I hope my baby is a boy as all I have is this blue wool".

Second lady says "Well I hop mine is spastic, because I screwed up the arm-holes"....

[Knight]

Several men are in a locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN : "Hello"
WOMAN : "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN : "Yes"
MAN : "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $4 500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN : "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN : "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw their new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : "How much?"
WOMAN : "$ 460,000"
MAN : "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN : "Great! Oh, and one more thing the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.45m"
MAN : "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1,300,000."
WOMAN : "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN : "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs
to?"

(oldie but still a goodie!)

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.

Love that one!
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

>A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
>After the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest
>Porterhouse steak."
>The waiter replies: "Monsieur...what about ze mad cow ?"
>The man replies:"She'll have a salad."


Knight