Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by Knight



i know it's a bit rude ops: .....but how funny is it!

:wink:

I am shocked.

Smiling but shocked.

Do it to me again Knight lady :wink:

[Knight]

not a joke - but quite funny!!

It is called <span style="color:red">Anger Management</span>

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ass hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ass hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"whens a good time to catch you Don?"

"Im home every day after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an ass hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Ass hole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an ass hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Ass hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole."
Then I called Ass hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, ass hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are.."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"> NOW, I feel better </span>

Anger management at it's very best!!

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

How D-Day might be reported today

(Not intended to offend anybody. Unless they are French, of course :wink: )


June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY-

Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded
today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.

Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise
said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high.

"We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction.

A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought, " said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."

Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French
government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's
beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb."

Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years.

Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans.

Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called "concentration camps" has
been rumored but so far, remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said.

"It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up."

[VladTepes]

read the narrative for the item

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?viewI...286139&category

[VladTepes]

Don't like sharks ? You are not alone:

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/shark...grimreaper.html

[VladTepes]

This is also how Incisor runs his IT business.

The Union will be around any time Incy, watch out. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

http://www.best-marketing-tools.com/lego/lego.html

[incisor]

some people have WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to much time on their hands [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img]

[Knight]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.. he knew better.
>
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
>
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Cheers
Knight
(Obviously with too much time on my hands today! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] :wink: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] )

[fernockulated]

makes you think twice about going sailing! 8O

[fernockulated]

and on a similar topic,