Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

Ok now thats scary 8O



A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[Knight]

Second, Third AND Forth that one!! - That pic scares me too!! 8O

Anyways, Here's another one to make you laugh [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

The Camel


A new Marine Captain was assigned to a company in
a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel
hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
First Sergeant why the camel is kept there."Well,
sir," he nervously reply, "as you know, there
are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes
the men have ....... urges. That's why we have
the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone
this, but I understand about urges, so the camel
can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a
real problem with his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain
stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild
sex with the camel.When he is done, he asks the
First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh . . . no sir," the First Sergeant
replies. "They usually just ride the camel into
town where the girls are..."
8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
> She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
> She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
> She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
> Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly,
and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe,
well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
> "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
> Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him.
He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly,
the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
> him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
> Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
> The biker answers, "I'm Cess." 8O 8O

Loved that one (oldie, but still a goodie)
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.

I told her to **** off.

God bless you.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson

[VladTepes]

Two men are driving through Ipswich Qld when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".

The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that **** with me!"

[one_iota]

The meaning of life explained:

Now it all makes sense

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give
you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks or
twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take
my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and he
ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;

and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at
everybody.

Life has now been explained

NOW IT MAKES SENSE!!!!!

[bigbugga]

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, 'Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.' So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. 'How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?' the man asks himself. 'I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,' the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. 'The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,' the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, 'Hmm, it looks fine.'

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, 'What's that noise?'

[Knight]

FINALLY -- A DUMB BLONDE JOKE FOR BLONDES .....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A
Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I
hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the
dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers
and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed......

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!


and one more good one!


A Fairy told a married couple:
"For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will
give you each a wish" "I want to travel around the world with my
dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra, two tickets
appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said,
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The
Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......'abracadabra!'...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be b*stards. But Fairies are....................Female

LOL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

[bigbugga]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2004, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $5000,000.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2004 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $5000,000.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 400 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 400 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy."
"How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes.
Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"