Joke thread 2

[Timmo]

All classics....keep them coming guys + girl.

Cheers Vlad, that dilbert is great.

[adm333]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew
turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a
construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied...

"I will if those useless pr#@ks at Bunnings ever bring us the f@#king gyprock"

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[hiline]

Now remember this midget has a lisp!!

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her ****"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; "Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[slaughts]

A man and his wife are going to the supermarket to do the shopping, just as they were pulling into the carpark the car breaks down.

The man says for the missus to go and do the shopping while he gets the car fixed.

After a couple of hours in the shops, the wife returns to the car to find a crowd gathered around the car.

She noticed a pair of legs sticking out from the chassis and upon closer inspection that he wasn't wearing any underwear, driven buy her imbarressment she promptly went and stuck hand up his shorts and tucked away the cause of such interest.

As she stood up, she then noticed her husband standing on the other side of the car.
ops: ops:

Oh well no harm done except for a couple of stitches to the motor mechanics fore head.

[bigbugga]

Signs of Hang-Over
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

[Pedro_The_Swift]

my sister works for a LARGE ( like KPMG size) company of lawyers in Sydney,,

she says this is pretty much on the money,,,



A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?" Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it." Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

[hiline]

A Man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to
the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,"listen this guy's An
escaped convict, look at the clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in
jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If
he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love
you"

The wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you
too!"

[VladTepes]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Classic [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[VladTepes]

Two bone-weary public servants were working their little hearts and
souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able
take flex. But there had to be a way........
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to
get some time off work," the man whispered.
"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling
tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs
over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the director emerged from the branch head's office at
the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the director. "Get out of
here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at
least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir," the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down,
logged off his computer and left.
The blonde was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

[bigbugga]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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