Joke thread 2

[bigbugga]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[adm333]

Johnny and Timmy were two foul mouthed young boys who swore like troopers which went largely unchecked by their parents.

Johnny and Timmy's parents were going away for the weekend and leaving them in the charge of their grandmother who was horrified by their potty mouths and decided some good old fashioned discipline was in order.

On the first morning the 2 boys wandered into the kitchen for breakfast.

Grandma asked Johnny .... "What would you like for breakfast Johnny ??"

"I'll have some of those F#@$%* Cornflakes" was the reply.

With that Grandma gave Johnny a sharp slap across the face and told him to go to his room and think about what he had just said.

"Now Timmy what would you like for breakfast ?"

"Well you can bet your sweet A#$@ it won't be the F*%&$# Cornflakes !!!

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[hiline]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

[disco95]

Well done guys, there's some funny jokes here. I just read a whole heap of these and have been killing myself laughing.

[VladTepes]

More disturbing, than funny.

Why women should not work out....

http://community-2.webtv.net/tuesday77/Why...WomenShouldNot/

[disco95]

Oh my god 8O Imagine waking up next to those after a hard night on the grog 8O

[Redbak]

Strange, while looking at those pictures
I got a vision of being squashed under a Defender ... 8O 8O

Wonder what it means .....

Davo

[Redbak]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to change careers and be-
come a mechanic. He found out from the local technical
college what was involved, signed up for evening class-
es, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and com-
pleted the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I wondered if there had been an error which needed
adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you
took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50%
of the total grade. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the grade."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."


Davo .. :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

"Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on
Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency,
and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,

and

there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't."
he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice
a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
" I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this
pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that
you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
"A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"
__________________________________________________ _____________

[VladTepes]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"