Laughs/Funnies for 2005

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.
"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.

" What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of
lollies,"the driver offered.
"No!" screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh.

The boy replied:
"Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!"

To
The Australian Cricket Board
Cricket Australia
60 Jolimont St
Jolimont 3002

To Whom It May Concern

RE – AUSTRALIAN TEST CAPTAIN VACANCY

Dear Sirs.

I wish to apply for the vacant position of Australian Test Cricket Captain pending the retirement of Shane Waugh.

I have been involved in cricket for all of my life and currently I captain the C Grade cricket team for the Wonthaggi Workman’s Club and have been hitting the ball quite well recently. I also open the bowling for the team and my teammates describe my bowling as “nippy”.

This season we have been enjoying unparalleled success in the local competition and sit atop the ladder. Our nearest rival in the competition (Wonthaggi Miners) is full of Pakistani’s, but that doesn’t matter.

On a personal note, I have been working hard to improve my leadership skills and sledging of the opposition. However there is no truth to the rumour that the sledging caused the all in brawl against Leongatha Town 2 weeks ago. It was infact the conduct of their wicket keeper who was drunk at the time.
My batting record speaks for itself and I also hold the record for the Smiths Beach Beach Cricket Comp, being undefeated on 724 with play being interrupted due to the tide washing away the pitch.

I realise that there may be some areas that I may need to improve on if I were to be appointed to this position and one of my concerns is that I have yet to face a ball being bowled at 150kmh, however I am willing to learn.
My leadership skills are exemplary and I run my team in much the same disciplined way as Shane Waugh’s team. In the first game of the season I sent our first slip from the field because he chose to field in bare feet. I didn’t think his conduct was in the spirit of the game and he sat out the rest of the day in the bar while we fielded with only 13 men.

I also have experience in dealing with the media as I regularly get interviewed by the local paper, The Sentinel Times. I would be more than willing to write a regular column for one or more of the major metropolitan papers and generate our own publicity. I’m sure you guys could tee that up for me?

I am very personable, likeable and am a genuine down to earth good bloke. I don’t drink alcohol on game days, I don’t gamble, except on the races, and I don’t have a mobile phone. I would also be willing to relocate to Kirribilli if I was selected for the position.

I look forward to discussing the position at an interview.

Kind regards
Darran Scott

RMB 5077
Smiths Beach 3922
Victoria Australia


[size=18]
<span style="color:green">Cricket Australia's Answer</span>

http://www.aulro.com/albums/Maggot-s...s/cricket1.jpg

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Darran, Darran, Darran!

Why, oh why didn't you get me to spell (and apostrophe) check your cricket captaincy application?

Oh, dear!

Ron

Oh, talking of apostrophes, I walked past a Wendy's ice cream franchise today and noticed that Wendy's produce printed signs with "Wendy's Smoothy's". That's patently incorrect. The singular is "smoothy" and the plural is "smoothies".

Quote:

---

Originally posted by p38arover
Darran, Darran, Darran!

Why, oh why didn't you get me to spell (and apostrophe) check your cricket captaincy application?

Oh, dear!

Ron

Oh, talking of apostrophes, I walked past a Wendy's ice cream franchise today and noticed that Wendy's produce printed signs with "Wendy's Smoothy's". That's patently incorrect. The singular is "smoothy" and the plural is "smoothies".

---

Or the real estate agent with the sign"WERE No1" instead of "WE'RE No1"

Poor guys. :roll:

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous YES.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.



"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.




Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out dancing.

Play another 18.

"There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It's just to show that no matter how full your life may seem,

There's[size=24]<span style="color:red"> "always"</span>room for a couple of beers!!

Mmm true wisdom.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected....

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain....

I'm in shape. Round is a shape....

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?....

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?....

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific....

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking the locks, they're always locking 3 of them....

TV ads show you how to get bloodstains out of a t-shirt. I think if you have a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it, laundry isn't your biggest problem....

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my leather jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I have to kill you too."....

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse....

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windscreen....

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines....

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds
the universe together....

There are two theories about arguing with women, and neither of them
works....

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live in them?....

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. We all have work stations....

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?....

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?....

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film....

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't....

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe....

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in th! eir bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another! and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over! a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can aparently get through 260 Bensons in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Just a few question.

Why does a shop open 24hrs a day 7 days a week 365 days a year have locks on the door?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why are heameroids not called asteroids?

Matt