Laughs/Funnies for 2005

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says...

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six.

The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"


Matt

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and
replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence responce, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman... and your brother!


Matt

A bit long, but oh so true................

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (or John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following ru les are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"Like" and “you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no su ch place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, colle ctor cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
Tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adul t enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had
twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her
class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done
by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that
these are first graders..... 6-year-olds, because the last one is
classic!
1. Strike while the .................... bug is close.
2. It's always darkest before .......... Daylight Saving Time.
3. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
4. You can lead a horse to water but .. how?
5. Don't bite the hand that ............ looks dirty.
6. No news ............................ impossible.
7. A miss is as good as a .............. Mr.
8. You can't teach an old dog new ...... math.
9. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning.
10. Love all, trust .................... me.
11. The pen is mightier than the ....... pigs.
12. An idle mind is .................... the best way to relax.
13. Where there's smoke there's ........ pollution.
14. Happy the bride who ................ gets all the presents.
15. A cent saved is .................... not much.
16. Two's company, three's ............. the Musketeers.
17. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.
18. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to
blow your nose.
19. There are none so blind as ......... Stevie Wonder.
20. Children should be seen and not .... spanked or grounded.
21. If at first you don't succeed ...... get new batteries.
22.You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the
TV.
23. When the blind lead the blind ...... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one -
24. Better late than ....................... pregnant.

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping
service in Mexico.

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy
everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give
a*demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she
comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This
time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken
bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches herthis time and says,
What happened? Was the cord too long?
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps...

No, the Bungee cord was fine...
It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?! 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"


"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.


"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'd start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate anyone anymore."


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."


"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the **** out of him." 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] LOL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

An old man was sitting on a bench in a large shopping centre.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, purple, red,orange,blue and yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked,the oldman was staring.Finally the young man said sarcastically:
"What's the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.He did this that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and IceCream.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one too.... with sprinkles."
And Lo, 10 pounds was gained unto them.
And so God created healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 8 to size 18.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on
the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks - and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of
salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running-shoes that his children might lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created - The Public Health System!

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"