Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me ****."

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"







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Lawyers should never ask a witness a question, if they are not prepared for the answer:
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In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me??
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot, when you have not the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than an insignificant paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he also cheated on his wife with three different women. One of themwas your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry rear ends in jail for contempt."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man,
"same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man,
"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Cheers
Knight :wink:

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] nice one Tyrepower!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

A very young girl tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two
months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that
did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Mercedes Benz stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished looking man, dressed in expensive clothes, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
situation.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
All doctor and hospital bills will be paid for, as well as a
full wardrobe of maternity clothes for your daughter.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her a townhouse in Westmoorings, a house Down the Islands and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,



"You try again." [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

quality, as always knight!

Worth the wait dialuppers (and it does take a while....)

DO NOT READ the text before you download and watch the clip.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbo...tv_episode.html