Jokes Thread

[RichardK]

The Pastor's Ass
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day

[Knight]

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Cheers
Knight

[FenianEel]

Got this in an email! Don't know how old they are, so you might have heard them.

Need sound and dont play them around prudes or at work


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mrbergis.html

[edddo]

that is cruel.......but daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn funny

[DeeJay]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting forthe imminent birth of their respective children.One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in thesesituations.All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying"Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had theirbabies within 5minutes each other."The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said thedoctor, "they have all had little boys. "The fathers are ecstatic andcongratulate each other over and over."However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all theconfusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nurseryand we would be grateful if you could join us there to try and helpidentify them."With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to thenursery.Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying,"There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies Iwould have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indiandescent."That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is af#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

[Bushie]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher, and says he is sending a friend over to buy a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him? He replies, "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So the midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he is looking for a male or a female horse. "A female horth" the midget replies. So the rancher shows him one of his prized fillies.

"Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks the midget up and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, now can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting a little irritated at this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, now can I see her ****?"
Well, mad as hell at this point, the rancher grabs the midget under the arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's requested part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, wiping his eyes, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that.....Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?


Bushie

[RichardK]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car
and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge."

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$5,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him;

"Then you try again...!"

[edddo]

did u hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?........................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............................................he sat up all night wondering about the existence of dog

[Knight]

Bird Flu Warning.


The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following symptoms, seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to **** on someone's windshield


Cheers
Knight

[VladTepes]

The following joke is dedicated to our good friend Knight, without whom I would have had to dedicate the joke to someone else.





There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

AMEN!