Thread: Trivia and other useless but interesting items

Shamelessly appropriated from elsewhere.

Many many years way back in 1980 something or other

I found myself working on a farm at a town called Sharon just north of Bundaberg
The farmer had collected some pigs from Murgon down towards Kingaroy
Anyway he had this idea he would rear them and slowly put them thru the freezer
Well the pigs slowly got processed thru the freezer

We got down to the last sow and the farmer and his wife decided we should breed from her
What to do, they didn't have a bore and all the people that had bores near by wouldnt bring them to the sow
And we had no way of loading said the sow or a crate big enough to carry the said sow in

Well the farmer thought about this for a time and some how decided that the answer laid in A.I. artificial insemination!

So he spoke to the vet in Bundaberg and between the vet and the farmer a plan was formulated, I have no idea what this plan entailed but it was idiot proof

Some how the due date arrived for the joining to take place and the farmer said he had business to take care of and told me the vet would be there in the morning to take care of business

Well sure enough the vet turned up and inspected the sow and declared "not ready" , "not for a few more hours"

Well I looked blankly at the vet and in my most intelligent thoughtful voice made a very wise comment indeed "OH" then after a long attempted thoughtful look I announced "I'll get her back in around lunchtime then"


To which the vet said no as he had a appointment then

He looks at me and says "Nothing to it, just grab her on the rump and push as if you are a bore trying mount her, when she is ready she will back into you to be mounted. He hands me a straw thing in a plastic sleeve and 14 inches long with thread on the end like a paint roller extension.
He the says " it's left hand thread, screw it in until it locks"
For those of you that have never seen a bores penis its cork screwed shaped like there tail and winds in and out during mating
He also gives me a little sauce type bottle filled with liquid
"Dont worry 90% egg white, now keep this in the fridge until needed, on the way down stick it under your arm pit to warm the taddies up, then once the straw is locked stick it in the end of the straw and squeeze. Nothing to it you'll be right" jumps back in his panel van and gone

Well I'm still stuttering and stammering and thinking to my self , oh bugger Pauly boy what have you just got yourself into

So I strole up to the house to place the bottle of 90% egg white in the fridge and the farmers wife asked how it went and I explain the situation

And she is over joyed as she is a new mum and she is hosting a mother's club meeting with some other new mums that morning and she is sure the women will be interested

I am already out of my depth and this isnt going to help me at all

I then decide I'll just play it cool and with any luck the farmer will be back or his wifes meeting will be over or both or a meteorite hits me or something

So I check this sow and push her rump down and sure enough as time ticks by she becomes more and more pushy as she stands and tries to force me into a corner in the yards

Finally my escape plans have failed, women are still cackling away in the house, the farmer isnt home and Im sure god hates me for attempting to be god

So I go thru the back door to the kitchen quietly so as not to be seen to retrieve the bottle of 90% egg white, I have the said bottle and am making my retreat when spotted by the farms wife and she loudly announces for the whole world to hear "quickly everyone Paul's going to join the pig"

Oh bugger, crap crap and more crap. So theres only one thing left to do, act like I know whats going on

"Ok ladies, I just need to pop this bottle of semen under my arm pit, you know to warm it up"
"Did you know its 90% egg white"
Trying to sound as intelligent as I could I stride off to the cow yard were the sow is waiting with 4 women following me, chatter chatter chatter all the way

I enter the yard and slide the straw out of its plastic sheath" now ladies, this is a left hand thread, did yah know a pigs willy is just like its tail ."
"Now I simply slip it in and turn to the left , thats why its called a left hand thread yah know" and to my surprise it locks
"And we screw it until it locks just like that, next we grab the bottle of egg white I have been warming and push it into the straw and a nice gentle squeeze and done"

Theres oo's and ah's from the watching audience at the marvel of new life I had just created, even Im quite impressed with myself

Now right about now it took and sudden and dramatic turn for the worse

When let go of the squeeze on the bottle of semen it promptly sucked it back out of the sow, oh bugger Paul what to do
Try again, nope same result, so after a few more tries with no luck I quickly came up with a plan

The women are asking questions about now

I just say nothing as the plan comes together in my head

Do you have those moments in life when you wish you had a crystal ball, when your well thought out plan is going to let you down when, when you just plan screwed up but cant see it until its to late ?
Im seconds from disaster and had no idea

So my plan was simple, hold slight pressure on the bottle to stop the egg white getting sucked out and quickly remove it , batta bing batta boom, jobs a gooden, a idiot proof plan by a idiot, so dumb he couldnt see what was about to happen !

So with a slight pressure applied I quickly remove the bottle

Now I am bent over with my face right near the action at this stage
My pressure was anything but slight, my movment wasnt gentle and my face was in the way

I ended up with 90% egg white in my right eye my right ear, in my hair
I may well have got away with this but been the sook I am I ran around screaming like half my face had been blown off

The oo'ing and ahh'ing from the women turned into hysterical laughter
The sows running around with the straw hanging out of her Im screaming like I was gut shot on Western

However I did eventually calm down, dont think those women ever stopped laughing at me and my response
The sow had 3 little bundles of joy that got eaten and funny enough I dont recall the farmer ever mentioning this incident

Where is Ron when we need him,now is it Bore or Boar

Depends if you have a hydraulic ram in the same paddock.
Cheers

My biggest problem at this moment is trying decipher whether the Author is Ian or Paul.

**** the Pig.

Originally Posted by 4bee

**** the Pig.

Isn't trying to do that what caused the problem in the first place?

Originally Posted by scarry

Where is Ron when we need him,now is it Bore or Boar

Or even BAOR?


Ok Ok. it's British Army On the Rhine, but could get a tad confusing during Hostilities.

Originally Posted by scarry

Where is Ron when we need him,now is it Bore or Boar

Definitely "BOAR", however, nothing wasted on a farm and Bore water is used for everything. But the following is also a true story:

A new hobby farmer just retired from his big company in the big smoke. No idea about animals,farming or anything else away from the city. But he had about 10 ewes that somebody told him could have "babies", but as he did not have any"boy" sheep he did not know what to do next. So, he asked the local vet in the "Village" what to do. The vet advised him that the best way was to use "AI". Not wishing to appear dumb he thanked the vet and went off home. After a couple of days thinking about it he loaded the 10 ewes into the back of the Land Rover and took them off to a secluded part of the property and proceeded to "service them" himself.


This went on for several days, taking the ewes out to the back paddock every morning, by which time he was starting to feel exhausted from his efforts. On the morning of the 5^thor 6^th day he was awakened by a commotion outside and as he was feeling so tired, he asked his wife to go and see what was going on.


She came back after a few minutes and told him that all the ewes were in the back of the Land Rover, and one of them was blowing the horn!

Originally Posted by Old Farang

Definitely "BOAR", however, nothing wasted on a farm and Bore water is used for everything. But the following is also a true story:

A new hobby farmer just retired from his big company in the big smoke. No idea about animals,farming or anything else away from the city. But he had about 10 ewes that somebody told him could have "babies", but as he did not have any"boy" sheep he did not know what to do next. So, he asked the local vet in the "Village" what to do. The vet advised him that the best way was to use "AI". Not wishing to appear dumb he thanked the vet and went off home. After a couple of days thinking about it he loaded the 10 ewes into the back of the Land Rover and took them off to a secluded part of the property and proceeded to "service them" himself.


This went on for several days, taking the ewes out to the back paddock every morning, by which time he was starting to feel exhausted from his efforts. On the morning of the 5^thor 6^th day he was awakened by a commotion outside and as he was feeling so tired, he asked his wife to go and see what was going on.


She came back after a few minutes and told him that all the ewes were in the back of the Land Rover, and one of them was blowing the horn!

What part of New Zealand was this?