Thread: Great Jeremy Clarkson quotes

Jeremy Clarkson

From Wikiquote


Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson (born April 11, 1960 in Doncaster) is a controversial British motoring journalist and television presenter.

On places

• There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

• Oxford hates the car.

• God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place. (Detroit)

Motoring in general

• We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

• Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.

• I've seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this. ( Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)

• (Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....

• Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

• Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)

• (At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars)....and welcome to Greenpeace.

• A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

• This is the latest S Class. Now availiable with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre... I dont mean economical do I? Thats the wrong word...

• I do apologize, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaisian cars.

• You know? Thats the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this progamme in 12 months.

• If i had to nitpick, and obviously i do.

• At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed." (Testing the MG SV prototype)

• Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, i mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

• In the olden days i always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Praise for cars

• I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

• The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.

• (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you?

• The Caterham may only have 250 hp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same.....as a j-cloth.

• We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

• If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.

• (On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

• Aston Martin DB9, thats not really a racing car, that's pornography.

• (Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

• The most Hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)

Damnation for cars

• Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

• The old DB-7, that was just...a Jag in Drag...it was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different...

• I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

• You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

• (about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

• Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

• (On cars at a 'Max Power' show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.

• What did the Morris Marina compete against?... walking?... the bus?

• Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

• Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

• (about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that its, French... Its a surrendermonkey.

• It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. KIA could propably make a couple of cars for that.

Gotta love him dont you.

Another question, how did you post so many smileys seqfisho? When ever i put more than 4 in a post it wont let me post. Matt