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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1001
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    1,324
    A duck goes into a bar with a newspaper under his wing. He goes up to the bar and orders a pint of Guinness and a ham sandwich. When he gets his order he takes it to a table sits down, drinks,eats and does the crossword. The barman is astounded to have a talking, Guinness drinking, crossword doing duck in his bar. As the duck gets up to leave and pay for his meal the barman says-You should be in a circus. The duck looks puzzled and asks-What would the circus want with a plasterer?

  2. #1002
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Adelaide SA
    Posts
    2,515
    An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

    So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

    On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


    The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

    The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

    Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

    He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

    She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

    'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

    He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
    In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

    The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

    He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

    The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

    Why is it so cheap here?'

    The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

  3. #1003
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Brisbane, Inner East.
    Posts
    11,178
    An outback grazier was noted for his love of good horses and beautiful younger women. On his death bed he directed that his skin be tanned and made into a lady's riding saddle. This way he could rest in peace between the two things he loved most.
    URSUSMAJOR

  4. #1004
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Ferntree Gully VIC
    Posts
    10,362
    why i fired my secretary




    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
    I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they will remember.
    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
    "Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!"
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
    "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
    I said,
    "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go where we normally would go.
    She chose instead, a quiet bistro with a private table.
    We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office Jane said,
    "You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
    I responded,
    "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
    She said,
    "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
    "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
    "Ok." I nervously replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .....

    Followed by....
    My wife,
    My kids,
    Dozens of my friends and co-workers,
    All singing "Happy Birthday".
    >
    >
    >
    >
    And I just sat there...
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    On the couch...
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    Naked.
    130's rule

  5. #1005
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Melb. Vic.
    Posts
    6,045
    An old bloke is in the pub enjoying a quiet beer when he desperately needs to fart.
    Since the music is very loud he decides to time his farts to coincide with the loudest beats.
    After a good battery of farts he feels much better.
    As he finished his beer he looked around an found everyone was staring at him.
    It was then that he realised that he was listening to his iPod.

  6. #1006
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,388
    A Volvo driver, a Porsche driver and a Range Rover driver were discussing the merits of having a wife or a mistress.

    The ultra conservative Volvo driver said it was definitely better to be settled down with a wife.

    The Porsche driver claimed it was much better to have a mistress.

    The Range Rover driver said ..... "I have both !!! "

    No way, how do you do it ? the others asked in awe.

    Well, I tell the wife I'll be with the mistress, and I tell the mistress I'll be with the wife, and then I go away for the weekend in my Range Rover.

    2011 Range Rover Sport SDV6 Autobiography
    2007 Range Rover Sport TDV6
    2004 Freelander TD4 SE
    1997 Range Rover 4.6 HSE
    1994 Range Rover Vogue
    ----------------------------------------

  7. #1007
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Kippa Ring
    Posts
    1,663
    Collingwood Jokes



    Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
    Centrelink was on the other side.

    What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
    I'll have fries with that thanks

    2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
    The Policeman

    You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
    Shoot the Collingwood fan ...... Twice


    You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
    1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
    2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
    3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
    4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
    5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
    6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
    7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
    8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
    9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
    10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
    11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
    12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
    15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
    16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
    17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.


    What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex?
    The bus shelter


    Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
    The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another."
    The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
    They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
    "What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

    What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
    The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

    What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
    You ain't going to score.


    A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
    The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
    The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
    How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
    Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
    excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
    his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
    gone out

    What's the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
    A cactus has *****s on the outside

    Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
    Because she played for Collingwood.


    Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
    What their fathers did for a living.
    All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
    However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father ..
    Billy responded: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
    off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
    really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let
    them sleep with him."
    The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and
    took little Billy aside to ask him if what he'd said was really true.
    "No" said Billy ,"He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..."


    Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what's a transvestite?', to which Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.


    What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same direction?
    Jailbreak!


    What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
    Pizza can feed a family of four.


    How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
    Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.


    What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
    Gifted.


    A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
    "I'll take the red one."
    The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."



    Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
    The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
    Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
    Sharon : "Ok."
    Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
    Sharon : "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


    A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
    She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
    "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
    "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
    John

    Series 2 LWB - Gone
    Series 3 LWB - Gone
    Series 1 LWB - Gone
    81 RR 2 door - Gone
    95 Disco v8 - The Next Victim

  8. #1008
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    mandurah
    Posts
    1,477
    Subject: What you sell?

    Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.


    As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a

    thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

    One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'


    Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left.


  9. #1009
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Tatura, Vic
    Posts
    5,773
    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

    The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.

    With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified...

    The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs. . .

    "Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"

  10. #1010
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane West
    Posts
    25,655
    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,If you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, cow'
    If you don't like trucks, stop buying stuff.
    http://www.aulro.com/afvb/signaturepics/sigpic20865_1.gif

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