Thread: Jokes

A blonde went to the market one day to buy penny candy for her kids. She selects an assortment of hard candy and one of taffy's and asks the storekeeper, "How much is it?"

"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces."14 cents!? For what?" asked the blonde. The storekeeper explained, "The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents, while the 14 taffy's, which are on special, are another 7 cents. So together it comes to 14 cents."

"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly. "7 + 7 is 11." "WHAT?" said the storekeeper. "7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically.

"And how do you come to that?" asks the storekeeper "I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died. Then I married a second time, and my second husband also had 4 children, from his first wife. Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together.""So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children. So, obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."

The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek. The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussieguy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The Australian thinks:
The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

TheKiwi thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that bloody Aussieagain.

LOL.
That's gold.

Originally Posted by clean32

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek. The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussieguy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The Australian thinks:
The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

TheKiwi thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that bloody Aussieagain.

If your missus and young tacker werent such nice people I swear we'd have deported you years ago!!




(ps yep, gold!)

Originally Posted by digger

If your missus and young tacker werent such nice people I swear we'd have deported you years ago!!




(ps yep, gold!)

LOL yeppa, but the RAAF keep flying me back in

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"







"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."







Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"







The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"













Tony Blairwalked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"







The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, yourmother and fatherhave a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"










Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."







"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.




Obama went back home to askJoe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"













"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
















Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"










Colin Powellyelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"




Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"


Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."






The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."