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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1621
    kenleyfred Guest
    *Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant

    that can store and play music.*

    The *iTit* will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup
    and speaker size.

    This is considered a _major social breakthrough_,
    because women are always complaining about men staring
    at their breasts and not listening to them.

  2. #1622
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    Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iron.
    She wasn't overjoyed, even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.


    I am not a moderator, I am a human being!!!

  3. #1623
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    Real cause of 9/11 attacks

    After 10 years of investigation into 9/11 the Americans have found it was not Muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers, it was two Irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door would not fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane and take a bit off the top.

  4. #1624
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    NEWS FLASH:-

    Yet more info on the Osama Bin Laden shooting.

    Acording to US elite Navy Seals involved in the attack, as they entered
    Osama Bin Ladens bedroom in his Pakistan hideout, they discovered him
    practicisng beastiality on a young sheep!

    He was questioned by the Navy Seals as to what he was doing...

    he replied that it was islamb and he'd do what he wanted with it...

    It was then that they shot him.

    Other rumours indicate that video footage taken of the daring raid has been analysed frame by frame and indicates that BIN LADEN may have converted to HINDUISM shortly before his death.

    This is borne out by the fact that a few frames before he was shot a red dot coud be seen clearly on his forehead...
    investigations are continuing....
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  5. #1625
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    100,000 views for this thread!!

    "YAY!!"
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  6. #1626
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    If anyone remembers Tommy Cooper.....:

    I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

    I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

    A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

    A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

    My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."

    Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."

    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

    The UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make
    it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

    Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

    I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

    On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –
    I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

  7. #1627
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    BIRTHDAY REMINDER

    This week we celebrate a special birthday.

    Monica Lewinsky turns 50!!

    Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, Putting everything in her mouth................



    They grow up so fast, don't they?
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  8. #1628
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    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

    The nun agreed..

    A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

    The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
    'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'

    The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'


    The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either
    130's rule

  9. #1629
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    Funeral For A Homeless Man

    This is a true story, so I'm told...............

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
    director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
    family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
    Kentucky back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
    man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
    and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
    left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
    of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
    didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
    out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
    like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
    wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
    started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
    seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
    twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
    __________________

  10. #1630
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    Lie clocks

    A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
    Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
    He asked, 'What are all those clocks for?'
    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
    earth has a Lie-Clock.
    Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
    'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
    'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
    moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
    'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
    moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
    life.'
    'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
    St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling
    fan.'
    D4 2.7litre

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