Jokes

Amy Winehouse met up with Lady Diana at the pearly gates. When she arrived she asked Diana why she has a black halo?

Diana replied "Black. You must still be off your face darling. It's a ****ing steering wheel"!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost...

A member of Parliament was seated next to a little girl on a plane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the MP. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a sheep all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a sheep excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The MP, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball.

She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the bush slicing to the right.

The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards!

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

:o

So I was stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then I came upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. Fully drunk I walked into the water and subsequently bumped into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks me, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' I replied still drunk, so the Bishop grabs me and dips me in the river. He pulls me up and asks me, "Brother have you found Jesus?'

Rolling drunk I replied, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, dips me into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls me out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

I answered, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he dips me in the water again, but this time he holds me down for about 30 seconds.

When I begun kicking my arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls me up. The Bishop asks me, as I stand there "completely full drunk" still, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

I wiped my eyes and caught my breath and says to the Bishop

'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'

Not sure wether to post this in the soapbox or jokes...... so here goes....

Deja Moo

After reading the carbon tax thread I did a bit of research and found both Margeret Thatcher and Julia Gillard have the follwing in common:
1: Theyre both rangas
2: Both were born in the UK
3: Theyre both Librans
4: They were both education ministers
5: They both challenged for the leadership of thier political party
6: Both started out in safe labor seats
7: BOTH of them are lawyers
8: Both are supporters of privatisation
9: Both were the first female Prime Minister of thier respective countries

From what I can make of it, the most important difference is that Thatcher destroyed industry and mining in the UK...... Julia is only just starting.

And to think nobody stopped to think if they'd seen this bull**** before....

Hi,
Thatcher was Labor??

cheers

Quote:

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Originally Posted by austastar

Hi,
Thatcher was Labor??

cheers

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started off with Labor

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sprint

started off with Labor

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:Rolling::Rolling:
You may wanna check your facts there Sprint....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FenianEel

:Rolling::Rolling:
You may wanna check your facts there Sprint....

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We can't have people like Alan Jones and Tony Abbot and others who want to get stuck into the government checking their facts. It would significantly reduce the number of things they have to complain about. :D


EDIT: Woops, sorry. For a moment I thought we were in the Soapbox. Better ignore that comment. :)