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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1801
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    A WOMENS DICTIONARY

    Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

    Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

    Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

    Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

    Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

    Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

    Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

    Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

    Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

    Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

    Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

    Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

    Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

    Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

    Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

    Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

    Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

    Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  2. #1802
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    Ever wondered why men over sleep?

    BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
    CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
    NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
    CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
    NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
    CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
    CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
    NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
    woman sleeping there.
    CENTRAL: A woman?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
    CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
    CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
    CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
    STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
    CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
    STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
    CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
    STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
    CENTRAL: Good man.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
    CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
    NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
    CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
    NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
    CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
    SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
    CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go
    conscious now, this early?
    NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
    CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.
    SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
    CENTRAL: Hmmm?
    NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
    CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
    NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
    SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
    CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote
    stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
    BLADDER: Yes sir?
    CENTRAL: How are you holding?
    BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three
    hours, easy.
    CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
    NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
    CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
    NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
    CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
    NOSE: Thank you, sir.
    CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
    NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
    CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to
    Consciousness.
    NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
    CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
    STOMACH: Sir?
    CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
    STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
    CENTRAL: Damn!
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
    CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any
    report from our search party?
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
    CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
    NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
    CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
    CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
    NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
    CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
    target!
    CENTRAL: Fire!
    NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
    CENTRAL: Ears!
    NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
    CENTRAL: We've done it!
    SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
    NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
    CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
    NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
    CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
    NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
    CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
    NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
    CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
    NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
    rolling, sir.
    CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
    NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  3. #1803
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    A MENS DICTIONARY

    "I'M GOING FISHING"
    Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


    "IT'S A GUY THING"
    Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical".


    "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
    Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


    "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


    "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
    Translated: "I have no idea how it works."


    "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
    Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


    "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
    Translated: "Are you still talking?"


    "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
    Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


    "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
    Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


    "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
    Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."


    "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
    Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


    "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


    "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
    Translated: "What did you catch me at?"


    "I HEARD YOU."
    Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."


    "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
    Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."


    "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
    Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."


    I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
    Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
    (REMLR 235/MVCA 9) 80" -'49.(RUST), -'50 & '52. (53-parts) 88" -57 s1, -'63 -s2a -GS x 2-"Horrie"-112-769, "Vet"-112-429(-Vietnam-PRE 1ATF '65) ('66, s2a-as UN CIVPOL), Hans '73- s3 109" '56 s1 x2 77- s3 van (gone)& '12- 110

  4. #1804
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    Oil Change Instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:

    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total: $21.00

    ================================================== ==========
    Oil Change Instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open first beer and drink it, to assess the situation.

    4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted crap. Jack up vehicle.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to grocery store to buy 3.2 beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. (Note that the filter companies tell you to do this just to ensure that the GASKET is actually there...)

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    36) More beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, she makes bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $4,165.00

    But you know the job was done right!!!


  5. #1805
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist View Post
    My wife's not dumb
    nope. seems she worked out you Aulro L/P
    Dave

    "In a Landrover the other vehicle is your crumple zone."

    For spelling call Rogets, for mechanicing call me.

    Fozzy, 2.25D SIII Ex DCA Ute
    Tdi autoManual d1 (gave it to the Mupion)
    Archaeoptersix 1990 6x6 dual cab(This things staying)


    If you've benefited from one or more of my posts please remember, your taxes paid for my skill sets, I'm just trying to make sure you get your monies worth.
    If you think you're in front on the deal, pay it forwards.

  6. #1806
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    Do you keep falling asleep during seminars? - Introducing "Bull**** Bingo"

    Works in the medical seminars I go to!!!!!!


    Do you keep falling asleep during seminars?

    What about those long and boring conferences?
    Here's a game to change all of that.

    It is called"Bull**** Bingo"



    1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

    2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

    * synergy

    * strategic fit

    * core competencies

    * best practice

    * bottom line

    * revisit

    * expeditious

    * to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")

    * 24/7

    * out of the loop

    * benchmark

    * value-added

    * proactive

    * win-win

    * think outside the box

    * fast track
    result-driven

    * empower (or empowerment)

    * knowledge base

    * at the end of the day

    * touch base

    * mindset

    * client focus(ed)

    * paradigm

    * game plan

    * leverage




    3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

    4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL****!"




    Testimonials from satisfied "Bull**** Bingo" players:




    ·

    "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam, Atlanta

    ·

    "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David, Florida

    ·

    "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan, New York City

    ·

    "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver
    "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver

    ·

    "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL****!' for the third time in two hours." - Paul, Cleveland
    Reply With Quote

  7. #1807
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    Quote Originally Posted by digger
    "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
    Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
    I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Haha the ammount of times...........
    Hercules: 1986 110 Isuzu 3.9 (4BD1-T)
    Brutus: 1969 109 ExMil 2a FFT (loved and lost)

  8. #1808
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    the difference between the sexes

    WOMEN -

    Two female friends are catching up:
    - So, how was your evening last night?
    - A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare,

    "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

    - Oh, mine was incredible.

    My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner.

    We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.

    Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour.

    We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...







    MEN -

    Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
    - So, how was your evening last night?
    - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.

    You?

    - A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.

    The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
    It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.

    Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down.

    I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.

    In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about **** knows what!
    Dave

    "In a Landrover the other vehicle is your crumple zone."

    For spelling call Rogets, for mechanicing call me.

    Fozzy, 2.25D SIII Ex DCA Ute
    Tdi autoManual d1 (gave it to the Mupion)
    Archaeoptersix 1990 6x6 dual cab(This things staying)


    If you've benefited from one or more of my posts please remember, your taxes paid for my skill sets, I'm just trying to make sure you get your monies worth.
    If you think you're in front on the deal, pay it forwards.

  9. #1809
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    Why men are seldom depressed

    Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can be President.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another Petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress £2500. Morning suit rental-£125.
    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
    No wonder men are happier.

    NICKNAMES
    • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

    EATING OUT
    • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    • A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
    • A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


    MARRIAGE
    • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

  10. #1810
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    obvious really

    Simple science tells us that women should be ironing:

    The difference between 'male' and 'female' is obviously the 'fe'.

    If we look up 'fe' in the periodic table it stands for iron.

    also..

    Iron man; the name of a super hero
    Iron Woman; an instruction.
    Dave

    "In a Landrover the other vehicle is your crumple zone."

    For spelling call Rogets, for mechanicing call me.

    Fozzy, 2.25D SIII Ex DCA Ute
    Tdi autoManual d1 (gave it to the Mupion)
    Archaeoptersix 1990 6x6 dual cab(This things staying)


    If you've benefited from one or more of my posts please remember, your taxes paid for my skill sets, I'm just trying to make sure you get your monies worth.
    If you think you're in front on the deal, pay it forwards.

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