Jokes

I bought a new 'Ford F-250 Super Chief Tri-Flex Fuel Truck' and it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85..
I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated..
"Nelson" the technician said to the radio and the radio replied: "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie" he continued and; 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said: "Ray Charles" and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days.
Every time I'd say: "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Tony Bennett" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some stupid woman ran a red light and nearly rammed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid her.
I yelled: "Stupid Bitch"..........
Immediately the radio responded with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from the Prime Minister of Australia"
Damn I love this truck....:wasntme:

A frog goes into a bank and

approaches the teller. He

can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia
Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get

a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that he will

need to secure the loan with
some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed..

Very confused, Patty explains

that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and

says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink

elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?
The bank manager looks back
at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty

Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."

Have you heard Kerry O Keefe on ABC Grandstand telling that joke during the cricket broadcast. Very funny.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kenleyfred

Have you heard Kerry O Keefe on ABC Grandstand telling that joke during the cricket broadcast. Very funny.

---

I was about to say: "somebody's been listening to the cricket.":)

I was discussing my new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

I admit I strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

I was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, I asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says,

"I'll be Bach."



I needed more so I called Sean Connery.I says "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket?."

I gave up. So I went to the film set canteen, there I saw members of the cast of star wars easting a Chinese meal. There before my eyes was Luke and Obi-Wan having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,

"Use the FORKS, Luke."

some tips to help you in daily life:

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flaming thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimbleful of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in a very amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbor’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply piddling in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? As you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your house.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen off the landrover, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Jeep Grand Cherokee drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bob10

I was discussing my new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

I admit I strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

I was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, I asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says,

"I'll be Bach."



I needed more so I called Sean Connery.I says "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket?."

I gave up. So I went to the film set canteen, there I saw members of the cast of star wars easting a Chinese meal. There before my eyes was Luke and Obi-Wan having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,

"Use the FORKS, Luke."

---

seems strangely familiar bob.. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by digger

seems strangely familiar bob.. :)

---

I see what you mean, it was an e-mail from a friend, must be doing the rounds, OOPS, sorry Digger, Bob

double post, Bob

what did the elephant say to the naked man?
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How do you drink through that? boom tish!