Quote:
Originally Posted by mark_coffey
Wow:eek:.
I thought I was being a just a little bit funny by saying it's not a joke because it's just a fact of how it is.
Happy Days
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mark_coffey
Wow:eek:.
I thought I was being a just a little bit funny by saying it's not a joke because it's just a fact of how it is.
Happy Days
MALE LOGIC
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
Another Government Study Provides outstanding Results
CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. (Didn't know there was a difference!)
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.
I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent.
haha, great joke. i like it
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen
Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Luiggi answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luiggi gasps,
'Thanka God ...
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes!'
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), Carlton United (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have A Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"
The General Manager of XXXX proudly says "I'll have a XXXX Gold, the King of Beers!"
The bloke from Carlton says "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet"
The General Manager from Coopers glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
It is funny how this joke gets changed to suit the state from which it originates. This one was floating around Vic a few years ago and it was the bloke from CUB who wanted the diet coke.Quote:
Originally Posted by Eevo
he should have ordered a VB then :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Mr Whippy
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72
to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of
the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its
members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be
treated like this is very unfair."
Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he
currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize
with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is
now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting
wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be
able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Glasgow, Cardiff, Newcastle, Essex, Leicester,
Northampton and Australia stated that they would be unaffected,
as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put
down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going
to paradise.