Jokes

Steve and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.



The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.


He also wanted custody of the children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, Steve rose from his chair and replied: Your Honor, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?'



Don't laugh, he won!

Two cows stood in a field chatting away......
Maisy says to Daisy;
'You know what Maze, I got artificially inseminated yesterday'
A shocked Daisy replies;
'No way!'

'Straight up, No bull!' Maisy tells her pal.

Possibly an old one, but here it is ...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!" "No matter" said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER".

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus
"Don't you mean Martini" says the barman
The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus
"Don't you mean Martini" says the barman
The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it"

---

A few more along the same lines...

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...014/03/866.jpg

The Vicar picks up his new dentures on Friday' and the Sunday he only preaches for five minutes. The following Sunday he manages eight.
But the next Sunday sermon sees him still at full steam with no end in sight after three hours, at which time his flock revolts and drags him from the pulpit.
Our Vicar is most apologetic, and offers his embarassng explanation. - His new teeth were uncomfortable which explained his recent very short sermons....
Today was his fault, as he accidently took his wife"s teeth. :angel::angel:

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da f*** would you say?'

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

Which rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore

If prisons let prisoners take their own mug shots, they'd be called cellfies.