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A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".
The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
Throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for 3 days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says
"I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
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"You were homesick..":p:p:p
They were all quietly seated in Church waiting for the priest to begin...when suddenly there was a flash of flame, lots of black smoke and.......
Satan appeared at the altar!
Naturally this panicked the flock and they that had'nt frozen in fear scattered, screaming for the exits.
- Except one relaxed, yea verily, even bored-looking old bushie...
Satan came down the aisle and -
"Don't you know who I am?" he asked, his voice rattling the stained glass...
'Yeah mate" replied Old Mate.
"Are you not aware of my mighty power and dominion over you mere mortals?" demanded the demon
'Not arguing there either, mate'
"Do you not realize that I can obliterate you with a mere word?" said Satan, forked tail twitching..
'Yep I reckon you could" was the reply
"Are you not fearful of me?, - that I could inflict on you a lifetime of Torments and endless misery such that you will beg for the darkness of death!..."
'nah mate, ya can't worry me... 'been married to your sister for the last 48 years...'
As funny as that is - The Best Address in England (Adult Joke)Quote:
Originally Posted by carlschmid2002
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a row, the same, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout,
"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With an attitude he asked '...and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead ?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio.
'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach
for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died ?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to get married?"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."
