Jokes

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Oestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :-

1 ) Argued over nothing.
2 ) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3 ) Gained weight.
4 ) Talked excessively without making sense.
5 ) Became overly emotional.
6 ) Couldn't drive.
7 ) Failed to think rationally, and
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing necessary.

Not a joke, but a saying I heard today...

'True bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress...'

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ?Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.? The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all frucking same!!'

Q. What do you call a group of chess players in a hotel lobby discussing their triumphs at chess tournaments?
A. Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer.....

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

By Englishman Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
GalaP0 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants -

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of
them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing
to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food,
and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture
they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being
left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be
a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own Country"). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't
be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently its a must-have.

They dont think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

They all carry a stick!

A man parks his car in the drive at home and opend a text message before going indoors:

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door.

I'm sorry mate, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck
up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it won't happen again.

The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head and killed her. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbours text and saw he had another message:-



Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as you saw, my predictive text changed WiFi to Wife. Hope you saw the funny side of that.



Regards Alan.

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne
Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana").

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means:

"Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day;

Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week;

Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"

The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe
(aboriginal) who was also on the show. She asked him if there was an
equivalent term in his native language.

"In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.":D:D

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. ?Doctor?, the man said,
?I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!?
?Nonsense,? the doctor said, ?Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool?.
?It isn't possible,? the man insisted.
?This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations?
?Well?, said the doctor, ?Let me ask you this: how often do you have sex??
The man seemed a bit ashamed, ?I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months?.
?Well, there you have it!?, the doctor said confidently.
?It's rust!
Surname TOYOTA:D:D:D

Then there was the couple who had a baby boy. The child was missing an eyelid. The doctor said not to worry as he could graft an eyelid after circumcising the baby. The father asked the doctor if it would make his son cock-eyed. The doctor said no but he might be foresighted.