If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.
Printable View
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
http://cdn.startsatsixty.com.au/wp-c...al-720x405.jpg
As the lady dentist prepared a needle for a man with a toothache, he said, ?No, I can't have a needle! I suffer trypanophobia. If you come near me with that, I'll faint!?
She then started to prepare for nitrous oxide but he told her he had an unusual form of asthma and the gas could kill him.
The lady dentist thought for a few moments and then asked, ?Are you able to take a tablet??
?Yes, they're fine,? came the reply. ?I don't react to oral medicines?.
The dentist left the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she offered her patient a Viagra tablet. He said, ?Oh boy, I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller!?
?It's not,? she said, ?but it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull the tooth!?
A woman enters an antique shop and finds what looks like a magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and, surprise, surprise, a genie emerges in a puff of smoke.
The genie says he can fulfil the woman's most profound wishes.
She looks at him and says she desperately loves her husband. Will the genie grant the following wishes:
- that he will have eyes only for me;
? that he looks at me with interest;
? that I will be the only one in his life;
? that when he gets up in the morning he takes me everywhere he goes.
Suddenly,
* * * POOF * * *
The genie turns her into an iPhone 6!
:D:D:D
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for knife wielding murderers: If you find one, what's your plan :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by pop058
Take my 9 mm pistol, and hit them with it. Or shoot them, if they attack me. I guess.. Bob
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
A husband comes home to find his wife rubbing a prescription cream in between her breasts and asks what she is doing.
She says "I wanted bigger breasts without cosmetic surgery so the specialist had prescribed this cream which he claimed would do the job if I rubbed the cream in every day".
The husband went into the bathroom and came back with a handful of toilet paper and said "Here rub this in between them"
She said "That won't work"
He said "It worked on your arse".
Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.
I'm starting to think I've wasted four stamps.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the
puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was
doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to
a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.