Jokes

Van der Merwe's son does'nt quite take after dear old dad, and he sets his sights on higher things. Medicine seems an easy lurk so he opens his own Clinic. The sign out front says:-

Consultations $50, If no cure then $100 refunded.

The local Doctor thinks this is going to be an easy $100, so he visitis.

Doctor: " I seem to have lost my sense of taste"

Van der Merwe: Nurse, Bring the Medicine from Box No 22 and place 3 drops in the Patient's mouth.

Doctor: - spits it out and complains : "This is'nt medicine, - its petrol !"

Van der Merwe: Congratulations. Your taste is back, $50 please.

Doctor gets annoyed, and has another attempt some days later...

Doctor: "My memory is gone, can't remember a thing.."

Van der Merwe: Nurse, Bring the medicine from Box 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Doctor ; - "Hey, thats the same petrol you used for Sense of Taste!"

Van der Merwe: Well done ! Your memory is perfect. $50 please

Doctor leaves, but his pride gets the better of him, so he tries again next day...

Doctor: "My eyesight is gone all blurry and foggy"

Van der Merwe : Well, I don't have any medicine for that, here, Take This $100.

Doctor: "But this is only a $10 note!"

Van der Merwe : Congratulations, Your Eyesight is back to normal. That Will be $50...

Dept. of Useless information...

In 1874, the first 'Gentleman's Protector' found its way into the trousers of batsmen.

In 1974, batsmen started to use the new-fangled helmet.

Just an observation, that Cricketers took 100 years to realize their brains were as valuable as....:angel:

Or maybe not. !:wasntme:

? Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."



"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"





? Finnegin:



​"​My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.​"​



Keenan:



​"​What on earth is she doin' at that time?​"​



Finnegin:



​"Waitin' for me to come home.​"​





? Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.





? The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

? An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.





? Mrs Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time."





? Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.



? Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?



? My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?



? Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

Bert, at 70 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ?Notice anything different about me??
Margaret at age 65, looked him over and replied, ?Nope?
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ?Notice anything different NOW??
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, ?Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow?
Furious, Bert yells out, ?And do you know why it's hanging own, Margaret??
?Nope. Not a clue?, she replied.
?It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!?
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, ?Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat?.

Jim: "Why are you crying?"
Bob: "I just got slapped in the face by a lady."
Jim: "What happened?"
Bob: "I was holding a photograph, but I dropped it and it fell underneath a woman's dress. I asked her, 'Excuse me, can you hold up your dress? I want to take a photo.'"

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.



The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.



The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'



I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'



Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'



The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'



Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.



Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'



Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.



But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.



'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.



'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction between ?Guts? and ?Balls?


We've heard colleagues referring to people with ?Guts?, or with ?Balls?


Do they, however, know the difference between them?


Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; Page 295; Section 7; Sub-paragraph 2.3

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the ?Guts? to ask: ?Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere??



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the ?Balls? to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'



I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome;
-both are fatal.

It's fascinating watching the rash of politicians setting up their own shows?

There's potential here for interesting acronyms.

Clive Palmer could change to ?Palmer's Lost United Members Party? (PLUMP);

Nick Xenophon to ?Wonderful Opportunity Time Nick Xenophon Team? (WOT NXT);

Ricky Muir to ?Ricky Muir's Real Motorists Revs Movement? (RM RM RM);

Glenn Lazarus to ?Lazarus United Mainstream Party? (LUMP); and

Jacqui Lambie to ?Jacqui Lambie Network Australia You Only Get Hurt Using Rusty Trimmers? (JLNA YOGHURT).

A good reminder!!

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job,

she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...

And Monica blew it.