Jokes

Seems like Donald and the Pope have been travelling together a bit lately ..........

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...

And just to show that the Pope is not politically biased ...............

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage at Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans toward Hillary and says -

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!



And for those who study religious history ..................... there really was a Pope Hilarius.

A Modern Love Story...


An elderly couple had just learned how to sent text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsence guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for a coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Cheers Rod

Sent from my GT-I9507 using AULRO mobile app

Wearing Lipstick in a Catholic School.

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic School was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on thier lipstick, they would press thier lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers......And then there are educators!

Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!

Cheers Rod

Sent from my GT-I9507 using AULRO mobile app

While driving to church, an elderly priest has a flat tyre.
A young man passing by offers to change the flat. His offer
is accepted.
"There you go, Father... All set," says the young man as
he finishes mounting the spare.
"Are the lug nuts on tight? I wouldn't want the wheel to
fall off," says the elderly priest.
"Yes, Father. They're as tight as a nun," answers the
non-Catholic young man.
"Well, in that case," says the priest, "you better give 'em
another couple of turns.

Two Greenies were walking down the road when one greenie says , "Adam look at that dog with one eye " , Adam covers one eye and says "Where "

ohn told his wife, "I have got a problem."

She stopped him right there, cold in his tracks.

"No dear, WE have a problem.?

?We are in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."

John sighed in relief. "Well, now it is hardly worth mentioning."

But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John, tell me. What is wrong?"

John answered, "Well, somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

Oh snappers.

Four old retired blokes were walking down a street in maroochydore and see a sign on a Pub that says all drinks 10cents , well they could not believe their eyes and went in and ordered 4 schooners and the barman says 40cents please , pushing their luck they ordered 4 more and paid 40cents .
Settling in they asked the bloke behind the bar why he was selling grog at 10cents , Well i won $25m in the lottery a while back and decided to come up here and open this pub and sell every kind of drink for 10cents each , wow thats generous they said and noticed a bunch of blokes down the bar sitting there with no drinks in front of them so they asked the barman whats the story with those blokes then ? oh there all Victrian grey nomads from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when the drinks are 1/2 price......

My wife doesn't think I can mend our electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock!