Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Upon finding a spider in the kitchen, my partner told me to take it out, instead of killing it.
We went to a bar, he's a cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

An aussie and a kiwi were driving thru the NZ countryside when the kiwi spots a sheep struggling with its head stuck in between a wire fence.
The kiwi exclaims "Stop the car bro!" and jump out, unzips his fly and commences the act.
The aussie sings out "Where I come from, we shear those mate!" to which the kiwi replies,
"Puss off bro, I'm not sharing, get your own!"

Devastated.
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...016/12/298.jpg

Saw this in the newspaper. It's probably true, so should be posted in CA rather than in here ..................... ;)

a bit sick but here goes

what do you get if your local Woolworths burns down?
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coles :o:D

A NT woman stops crocodile attack using a small caliber pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What
is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a lagoon just outside my campsite in
Kakadu with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property
settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft.
crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging
us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her
nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little
.22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it
took.... The croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just
walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my
collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really
incredible."

"His insurance was the big bonus. I'm comfortable now."

TEA IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN BEER. Avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night. I had 12 pints of of beer at the pub until about 3am while the wife stayed home and drank tea. You should've seen how violent and angry she was, shouting and swearing when I got home. I was peaceful and quiet and headed to bed as she kept shouting. She was still angry when I woke up this morning. I tell you drinking tea is not good.

I'm not sure whom I should share this with, but I went for my annual health check the other day. My Doctor said I'm in fine fettle and should exceed normal life expectancy...............



As long as the wife doesn't find out what I'm insured for.

Three old timers from AULRO were talking about how badly their hands shake in their older years.

The first old bloke said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old bloke, not being one to be outdone, one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a wee yesterday, I came three times!"